Since you gave me life, I can give it back to you!

I don't want to write about you for a long time, and I don't want to bring my memories back to the summer when I was 20 years old. Maybe I can lie to myself that you are still alive, that you have a good life, that you are married and have children somewhere in this world, and that you live an ordinary and happy life.

Maybe we can meet when we go home during the Spring Festival. At a turning intersection, we held hands and talked about our husbands and children as we were children. It doesn't matter if you don't meet or contact often, just know that you are doing well!

But we will never meet again. The time stopped in the summer when I was twenty. You and this world are forever and ever!

The last thing you said before you died: mom! Since you gave me life, I can give it back to you!

You look at the world with sad eyes and raise your neck to drink paraquat. You look solemn and stirring, just like a strong man who drank hard liquor before he left, so urgent and merciless!

At the age of twenty, you are as bright as a flower, and you have finished your life in that noisy summer!

Menstruation was left crying sadly: Chunhua, how did you leave me like this? If I had known this, I wouldn't have forced you to get married! My daughter, how can you let me live! ……

Ha ha ha, early know, another early know, when I forced my daughter to marry a fool for twenty thousand pieces of bride price, you should have thought of today's ending. Isn't it rare for you to be a mother?

Chunhua is three months older than me. She is my cousin, my playmate since childhood, and the big sister among the children in our village.

Her personality is particularly like a boy, naughty, cheating, careless, and quarreling with her aunt is also a look of proof.

As far as I can remember, she was often chased and beaten all over the village by my aunt because of a little thing. My aunt yelled: You are a girl, you are not a girl at all, and you even stole someone else's melon. She ran and cried in front of her: I didn't do it alone. Many children in the village stole it, so why did you hit me?

At lunch time, she was afraid that her aunt would beat her and didn't dare to go home for dinner. I invited her to my house for dinner, and she always complained, Missu, you said my mother was so cruel that her legs were almost broken. She rolled up her trouser legs and her latosolic red skin was covered with purple blood bubbles. I asked her affectionately if she was in pain. She nodded, shook her head casually and said, nothing. Anyway, my mother is used to playing. She did something wrong and was beaten if she didn't listen to her. Beaten since childhood. Unlike you, she is a good girl, and your mother won't lay a finger on you.

Her childhood was spent in the beating and cursing of her aunt, like a strong wild flower on the roadside.

I will be promoted to junior high school in a blink of an eye. Junior high school is more than ten miles away from home. If I want to go to junior high school, I must learn to ride a bike. But I can't ride a bike yet, and I am laughed at by my friends in the village.

Chunhua stepped forward. What are you laughing at? My sister studies so well and learns to ride a bike quickly, but she is too young to reach the pedal of the bike. Hum, I'll teach her today, learn to ride a bike from you and see who is good.

She wheeled her bicycle from home to the threshing floor. She held the back seat of the car in the back, and I staggered in front. I shouted in fear, don't let go, don't let go! She replied, no, I held the back seat of the car. Don't be afraid. Look ahead and learn to turn!

With her encouragement and help, I finally paid for cycling in two days! Also began our junior high school life.

We are not in the same class in junior high school, but we will go to the toilet together after class and go home together after school. She always sings loudly on her way home. Her favorite song is Sally Yeh's Race with the Bull.

Tiandichang

A hasty traveler

Tidal period and ebb tide

People's gratitude and gratitude

Life and death

How many people can see through it?

Red Dirt Rising

Silly affection

Finally get together.

Stay half awake and half drunk.

At least I have you in my dream.

I will take part in juvenile gambling tomorrow.

You bought this time with your true feelings.

I don't know how much sadness there is in the world.

Why not race with the bull?

She sang while riding a bike and waved to us, feeling that she was Sally Yeh at this moment, so excited, so happy and so wanton!

On the way to school, we passed a large forest, surrounded by various green plants and unknown wild flowers. In spring, we stopped and ran to the forest to weave garlands. She wears colorful garlands on her head, reflecting her black hair, clear and bright eyes, fair skin and tall and thin features. I joked that Chunhua, you are so beautiful, like a bride to be married.

Her face suddenly turned red and she ran to tickle me. Well, miss, you laughed at me and thought I wouldn't punish you. I laughed as I ran. You will get married sooner or later. What are you shy about?

Looking back now, three years of junior high school was our happiest time. Every day on the way to school together, there are girls' crisp songs and laughter.

During the summer vacation, we mowed the grass and herded cattle together. In our spare time, we go swimming in the river behind the Woods. She learned it after a few flutters, but I haven't learned it after drinking the red river.

I really envied her at that time. She is so smart and transparent that you always learn to ride a bike, sing and swim. And I'm always stupid and can't do anything.

I think a smart and beautiful girl like her will be admitted to a good high school, a good university, a good life, a good love and happiness forever!

Then everything came so suddenly. In the summer vacation of junior high school, menstruation announced that she had no money at home and wouldn't let her go to high school.

I still remember that morning, the day when high school started to report for duty, when I was sorting out books, my aunt's bawling came:

Shit, it's good to get you into junior high school. It's a dream to go to high school.

Why can't I go to high school? I finally got into high school. She flushed with anger!

Snapping, a burst of disorderly stick fell on her. I am in charge of this family. Sooner or later, it's someone else's. I have no money to spoil it for you!

What about our money? Didn't you lose all your money playing mahjong?

Bang bang bang bang bang bang.

She stood there, motionless, letting her aunt's stick hit her on her body, shoulders, buttocks and legs!

She bit her lip tightly and bit her bleeding to stop herself from crying.

……

High school is farther away from home, so I live on campus when I start school. Come back once every half month to get a change of clothes and living expenses.

When I came home that day, my mother said that you should stop looking for Chunhua recently. Chunhua will be sad to see you in high school, and her aunt will be unhappy.

But after dinner, I still can't help but go out of the yard, hoping to see the figure of Chunhua.

She waved to me from a distance, and I followed her to the river where we often played.

The river flows like beautiful youth, losing bit by bit, but we are helpless!

She broke the silence and asked me if I was used to high school life. How many classes are there in high school? Are there many students? Is it bigger than our junior high school? Are there many boys playing on the playground on campus? Do you know many excellent classmates?

I nodded like a robot. Actually, I also want to say that I miss you very much. The campus is so boring without you. Every day, I just study. No one sings to me, no one plays with me, no one goes to the bathroom with me. Really lonely!

She looked up at the gray night sky. There is no moon and no clouds. It feels like an unknown secret hidden in the gray empty sky.

She said, miss, do you know? Every day, I dream that I am still on campus, studying in high school and college, and studying my favorite major. In the beautiful campus, we can laugh, sing and run without fear. I imagined meeting the big sunshine boy who can play basketball, and he smiled at me.

I want to stay in the city after graduation and never return to such a poor, backward and ignorant place. But now, my life is like this, locked at home by ignorant parents, washing and cooking, mowing grass and feeding pigs. Misu, do you think I will live like this?

I don't know how to answer her. The future is so far away, youth is so confused and life is so cruel.

She suddenly laughed, and the laughter cut through the sky sharply. I have to get out and get out of this stupid place!

Later I learned that her news was heard from my mother intermittently:

She went to Shenzhen to work with the villagers and never came back during the Spring Festival!

She hasn't written a letter to her family, made a phone call or sent a penny since she left. Your aunt often says that she is heartless.

I heard that she is in love and has a boyfriend outside. But your aunt won't let her come back and get married.

Getting married at such a young age, I exclaimed

Mom said sadly, it is said that that man is a fool. Alas, this girl is really unlucky.

I don't understand: why? Why betrothed Chunhua to a fool!

Why else? For the money. I gave her 20 thousand yuan (20 thousand yuan was a big sum in those days), and you know that your aunt likes playing mahjong and your uncle likes drinking. My son is getting engaged soon and has no money. His only hope is his daughter.

You can't sell Chunhua to a fool!

Chunhua has a boyfriend outside. She eloped with someone else that day, and your aunt can't keep any money. How can a smart person like your aunt suffer this loss?

Perhaps in that backward countryside, it is normal to sell women to build houses for their sons and marry daughters-in-law. But the daughter is also her own child, and the pregnancy in October is also her own flesh and blood. How can she be clearly marked on the street?

Is the happiness of my daughter's life worth the 20 thousand yuan?

Since you care so much about money, why are you lazy to play mahjong every day and let your daughter pay for you!

With Chunhua's stubborn character, how can she agree to marry a fool, and how can she agree to such a marriage?

She would rather die than surrender, but she didn't expect what I would say!

In the summer vacation of sophomore year, my aunt cheated Chunhua back because she was seriously ill.

It was still very hot that day, and cicadas kept barking and saying it was hot. It's very hot. I sat under the big tree outside the yard with a cattail leaf fan to enjoy the cool, and saw a beautiful girl in the distance.

Pink chiffon long waist dress with thin-heeled ivory sandals, a pair of big black and clear eyes, a delicate nose on a delicate and beautiful face, and soft and full red lips dotted with flesh-colored pink lipstick make her whole outline bright and moving. Slender and graceful figure, just like a woman walking slowly in a flower roll!

I was shocked and couldn't find any beautiful words to describe her beautiful face.

She waved to me. Chen Jiao: Hi, Miss, I'm Chunhua. You don't know me. You're not stupid enough to read it!

I came to my senses and smiled and pulled her. Chunhua, it's really you. You are really getting more and more beautiful. I haven't seen you for two years. You have really changed!

She deals with children and adults in the village and gives them candy. Talking and laughing with the neighbors in the village, the sun poured down on her hair, shining black.

In the evening, she came to my house, gave me my first lipstick and looked at the things in the round tube, but I couldn't use it. She smirked at my stupid reading, then unscrewed it and put it on my lips. I looked at myself in the mirror, suddenly blushed and laughed with her.

She told me about Shenzhen, where the buildings are so high, the roads are very wide and the streets are very busy. There are colorful lights everywhere at night, which looks better than during the day.

She said that she works in an electronics factory and works on an assembly line. The factory is full of girls, lots and lots of girls. All over the world, some girls can't understand what they say. It was fun.

She said that she was taking a self-study exam and taking a junior college exam, hoping to leave the assembly line one day and go to the office to type as a clerk. By the way, to be a clerk, you should be able to type. She also studied computer. Computer typing can be very fast, much faster than handwriting.

In addition, she said that she talked about a boyfriend, a technician, very tall and handsome. Be good to her, buy her delicious and fun things, and a lot of clothes and cosmetics. By the way, they kissed, the first kiss, soft, warm and beautiful. She bit his lip for the first time.

She talked and laughed, and there was a flash in her eyes that I hadn't seen for a long time. She is looking forward to her future, where she has her work, dreams and love, and everything is so peaceful and beautiful!

I really hope I have some kind of magic to stop time at that moment, on that beautiful night, on her smiling face full of youth.

I don't have this magic, but what I'm afraid of has come.

The next morning, when menstruation scolded him, the matchmaker came, short and chubby with a fool. He smiled at everyone, and when he smiled, his mouth watered, and the saliva flowed down his chin to his clothes.

When he saw Chunhua, he pulled her skirt. Hey, hey, hey, daughter-in-law, beautiful daughter-in-law, my daughter-in-law, kiss, kiss

Chunhua pushed him far away and rolled away. I will never marry you!

The matchmaker immediately cold face, said to my aunt, your girl how so! Don't think that just because you have seen the outside world, you won't work for others. After all, you are still a working girl! Erwazi's father has a salary and eats the national golden rice bowl. Erwa will take over her father's class in the future. After all, she is also a national! It's your daughter's blessing to have a crush on her. She hasn't had food or clothes for generations.

The matchmaker looked up and continued proudly: it's only three or five thousand yuan for people to marry a daughter-in-law, and we're twenty-two thousand yuan. I have never seen so much money in my life. Enough for your family to eat and drink for a lifetime. Be content!

If it were me now, I would definitely throw 20 thousand dollars in her sensual face, fuck your 20 thousand dollars and fuck your marriage!

But at that time, I could only watch Chunhua being dragged around by fools in the crowd, but I could do nothing!

Chunhua resisted desperately. She was not as strong as a fool, so she took a hard bite on the fool's arm. The fool shouted. The matchmaker quickly ran away with the fool.

When he left, the matchmaker said to his aunt mercilessly: give it away or give it money!

Aunt apologetically: Give it to others.

Chunhua choked: I will never marry a fool again if I give it to someone!

Pa, crisp and loud slap fell on Chunhua's face, and immediately the fingerprints were clearly visible. Aunt pointed to Chunhua's nose: you are a forced girl, you were born by my mother, and my life was given by me. Who are you to say no! Your father loves to drink, and all the money in the family is wasted by your father. Your brother has a crush on his daughter and needs money badly to get engaged. If you don't marry anyone, your family's problems will be solved. Your father has money to buy wine, I have money to play mahjong, and your brother has money to get engaged, so our family can live in peace. Why don't you watch your brother play bachelor and watch our family die! As a daughter, you should think of this family.

Chunhua raised her face, word for word: since childhood, our family is the poorest in the village. Everyone lives on two acres of land. Why do people in our family have food? Why should our family build a new house? Why do people's children drop out of school when they go to school? Why do people want to marry their own daughters and our family can only sell them? Do you know why? When my father was weeding, spraying and fertilizing in the field, my father was drinking and drunk! When somebody else's mother keeps the house diligently and takes the fruits and vegetables in the field to the market to sell money, my mother is playing mahjong, and she will lose every bet! Other people's boys go out to work to earn money to marry their wives, and my brother sleeps in bed every day to be lazy. Ha ha ha, our family is not poor, God forbid! You keep us thinking about you. Do you remember me? When other girls are studying on campus and enjoying the care of their parents, you send me to work in a strange city. Do you know how much I have suffered and seen in the past two years? Now you want to sell me, you want to sell me to a good family, or even sell me as a fool to get more money. Mom, look at yourself. Look at that drooling fool. How can you stand it?

Every word of Chunhua touched many people in the village. Many people cried and regretted that such a good girl was born in the wrong home.

But my aunt said shamelessly: What's wrong with the fool? Fools are human beings. Well, it doesn't matter whether you turn off the lights at night. Many girls want to marry a fool, but they don't want it yet Besides, people are rich, so don't go out to work hard in the future. You can walk around your family anytime.

I really didn't expect my aunt to say such shameless things, and a mother said such cruel things to her daughter. It turns out that in her eyes, her daughter has always been a tool for changing money, and there is no deep affection between mother and daughter.

Didn't you say that all bad people will be struck by lightning? Jesus Christ, where's Ray?

Chunhua never cried from beginning to end. She sat on the ground, and her skirt was covered with dust and weeds. She looked up at the sky and then at her aunt. Her eyes were gloomy and desperate, but her expression was so firm and calm. Maybe at that moment, she had a firm idea to end her destiny!

She went into the house, then gave it back, and said to menstruation, since you gave me my life, can I give it back to you?

As soon as she looked up, she drank the pungent liquid in the brown bottle in her hand, and the white grass withered

She fell down slowly, trembling, trembling and sneering: I give you back my life, I give you back my life!

At the age of twenty, a girl's most brilliant life came to an abrupt end in that boring summer!

At the moment, my typing hand is shaking, and tears have blurred my eyes. How I wish none of this was true!

I can't believe it, my partner, my cousin, my childhood best friend. The girl who taught me to ride a bike, the girl who sang "Race with Bulls" on the way from school, the girl who had a beautiful dream in the Woods, the girl who swam and surfed by the river, the girl who gave me lipstick, the girl who said she would be a clerk for her college entrance examination, the girl who said she fell in love for the first time and kissed her, left me, left this ignorant land and left this prosperous and ugly world!

During that time, I often hated myself. As a good friend, I did nothing. I didn't comfort her or encourage her. I didn't give her any advice. I can either fly away and never come back, or I can elope with her boy in Shenzhen directly, or I can divorce or fly away even if I marry a fool. There are so many roads in this world, why did she choose the one she shouldn't take? Dead end!

Maybe she hates this hypocritical and ugly world, maybe she is really tired, maybe there is no beating, no quarreling, no son preference, no forced marriage and no business in heaven!

Many years have passed, and I have been admitted to the university, gone out of the countryside and come to live in this complicated city. With the construction of new countryside, that small village has also been torn down into uneven soil slopes. People in the village also go out to work, scattered in every corner of the city. Only the river behind the village is still flowing.

Every time I go back, I will go to the river, sit on the stones by the river, look at the slowly clear water and tell her the joys and sorrows of these years. I was admitted to the university, I fell in love, I kissed, I had my first time, I got married, and I had children.

I seem to see her wearing a pink skirt, splashing and smiling, just like the summer when I was twenty years old: Hi, Missu!