A five-minute comedy script

Scene: There is a massage table on the left side of the stage with a plastic stool at the head of the bed. There are two chairs and a coffee table on the right, with a glass of water, a plate of melon seeds and a citrus on it. There is a pen and a box of red and blue inkpad hidden in the pillow, and a map of acupoints is hung in the background.

Personnel: Captain Hu (hereinafter referred to as Hu) and Mrs Pang (hereinafter referred to as Pang)

Blind Massage Female (hereinafter referred to as blind) Massage Female Xiaohong (hereinafter referred to as Red)

Hu: (Fat sitting in a chair eating melon seeds, Hu holding a watermelon on the stage looking crooked and drunk) These days, I'm in charge of cracking down on pornography and illegal publications, and the bosses are scared to death, so this family is called eating, and that family has to take me for a few drinks. After the banquet, there were gifts, which spoiled all the fruits in my family. (burps twice) (looks up) Hey, massage parlor, hehe, I don't press white. (stepping into the door) Hey, boss, have you been groping around here recently?

Fat: (getting up quickly) Oh, it's Captain Hu. This is an authentic massage parlor, so you can't "grope".

Hu: Hey, look, if I say anything casually, you will be so scared. I'm just here for a routine inspection.

Fat: Routine physical examination again. Why do you always come to my house?

Hu: Hum, the situation is grim, so we should check it frequently. My routine check is simple. Let your lady pinch me all over. This routine, routine, that's enough

Fat man: Oh, Captain Hu, it's a pity that I can't afford to pay all the wages here, and all the ladies have left.

H: what? Gone? (Severely) Then you don't want to run this massage parlor. (a meal) No one, you have to give birth to me even if you give birth right away.

Fat: Oh, that's easy for you to say. Can people be born when they are fat? Okay, okay, I'll do something for you.

H: Hurry up. Drunk with cigarettes, he went to the bed and put the watermelon on the bed, but people slipped to the ground and fell asleep by the bed.

Fat: (turning to the stage before stepping down) This captain Hu, relying on his power, robbed and cheated everywhere. Today, I don't care so much. See what I can do with him.

When she got fat, the blind girl with sunglasses came up from the background with a stick in her hand. She knocked a few times from side to side, and then slowly knocked hard on Hu's leg. )

Hu: (exclaiming) Ah ~ Ah ~!

Blind man: (Stand back, Sichuan Mandarin) Oh, what was that called just now?

H: What? What do you say this is?

Blind man: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Are you the captain of the "cleaning" team?

Hu: Why clean up the team? Oh, it's an anti-pornography team. Hey, what do you do?

Blind man: I'm the boss's mother. I'm calling you for a massage.

H: massage? (waving in front of the blind girl) Oh, blind massage. All right, I'll do it once today. (Lying in bed)

Blind man: Then lie down and I'll press it for you right away. (The blind girl puts down her cane and gropes her way to Liu's head and sits down. She immediately put her hand on the watermelon and began to massage. She pressed it a few times and asked in surprise. ) hey, captain, you are so smart to be an official. You don't have a hair!

Hu: (looking up in surprise, a little dumbfounding, imitating the language of a blind girl) Hey, miss, I have not only a little hair on my head, but also eyes and nose.

Blind man: Impossible. (Take back your hand in fear, then boldly touch the watermelon up and down, exclaiming) Oh, you, are you ruined?

Hu: You have just been disfigured. You crushed my watermelon and my skull is here.

Blind man: Oh, it's watermelon sauce. I'll give you half. Captain, lie down a little. With a watermelon in my hand, I stood up, turned around and groped for it on the coffee table behind me, then turned around and groped for a stool to sit down. As a result, I didn't sit up straight, fell to the ground and grabbed Hu's hair with my hands. )

Hu: Oh, you, you, why are you pulling my hair?

Blind man: Sorry, sorry. I didn't sit well just now. I accidentally caught you. (After sitting up straight, secretly dip some blue paint in your palm, gently press your head with your fingertips, and draw a half circle around Hu's eyes. )

Hu: Hey, Miss, this massage needs touching. Why don't you just touch it?

Blind man: Oh, ok, I'll press it right away. (Press hard on Hu's eyes)

Hu: (suddenly screaming in pain) Ouch, my eyes. Why don't you stick your fingers and thumb in my eyes? Ouch. (Get up and show the "panda eye" to the audience) You see, according to this method, it is totally intentional to turn me blind. Forget it, forget it, you go down.

Blind man: OK, I'll go down then.

(This is one)

Xiao Dan: Well, it's been more than ten years since I graduated from college. It's hard for my classmates to meet each other in those years. Some of them have money, others have no money. The poor did not escape from the rich, and both the rich and the poor were speechless. Students' feelings can't be wasted, so today's class reunion is just to exchange feelings, whether drunk or not, hehe. (cleaning the house)

Noodles: Xiao Dan, why are you still busy? Cook quickly. Old classmates are coming soon. Hey, I still have to say something to you: it's not too late today. Remember that Zhao Weifeng is the focus of today's party. He is now the manager of Xin enterprise, and he is 100% rich. If we make him happy today, then we will keep the golden rice bowl, hahahaha!

Xiao Dan: Why are you so greedy? Do classmates also want to talk about money?

Noodles: Xiao Dan, why are you so ignorant? Classmates, classmates are all the same, but their studies are different. If he doesn't study hard, he won't be angry with us if he is poor. If he studies hard, his money proves that he works hard. You're like xin jing Water. This is hard to predict. You took part in many activities, but you didn't study hard. I heard that you lost your job after graduation. Now you farm at home. Why do you think this is?

Xiao Dan: Xin is also a classmate. You can't favour one over the other.

Noodles: Ah, yes, you once had an affair with the new water mirror. No wonder you have been defending him. Don't have sex in front of me, and don't blame me for making him stop eating!

Dan: You! Hum! (Angry) (Noodles sit down and read the newspaper)

Si Tong: (answers the phone) Outside! I am Zhao Weifeng. Oh, manager Xin, don't worry about coming to the chop suey's house for reunion. I'll make it clear. Goodbye!

Open the door!

Noodles: Here we are. Hello. Who are you?

Stone: I'm Zhao Weifeng!

Big miscellaneous noodles: Feng Wei, alas! (Hugging) I miss you so much. We have not seen each other for ten years. I miss you so much! How is your mother?

Si Tong: Not bad!

Noodles: How is your father?

Si Tong: Not bad!

Noodles: Is everything all right at home?

Si Tong: Not bad!

(Xiao Dan comes out)

Xiao Dan: Oh, dear! Small stone!

Si Tong: Huh? Who are you?

Bedding face: small stone? Hey? This is manager Zhao Weifeng. How could you? ...

Xiao Dan: Ah, it's Manager Zhao. Sit down and talk!

(Zhao Weifeng's cell phone rings, answer the phone)

Stone: Outside, Manager Xin! What? Ok, I'll be right there!

Old classmate, my company has something to leave at once, okay? Let's get together again sometime!

(Zhao Weifeng)

Mixed noodles: it's over, it's over, he's gone, what else is there in this reunion? Jiaozi, come and have tea!

(Go ahead, knock at the door)

Xiao Dan: Who is it?

Laoganba: Me!

Xiao Dan: Old Gamba?

Old Gamba: Dan? Be in favor of

Xiao Dan: Yes!

Noodles: Who is Xiao Dan?

Xiao Dan: Come in, old chap! Yan Jun, look who's here.

Noodles: Ah, send the gas tank and put it inside!

Xiao Dan: He looks like an old classmate of ours.

Big noodles: old dry bar? Which old guy?

Old Gamba: Don't you know me? Noodles? You forgot me, I remember you!

Noodles: My name is Zhang Junyan, not noodles. Sit in it (disdainfully).

Xiao Dan: (holding the hand of the old dry bar) What are you doing now, old dry bar? I haven't seen you for a long time.

Laoganba: Ah, mine. ...

Noodles: Cough! Xiao Dan, you go and boil some water!

Laoganba: Big noodles! No, Zhang Junyan, what are you doing now?

Noodles: Ah, nothing! Just a few small projects!

Old Gamba: What event?

Bedding face: Ah, nothing, just heating the Polaris, shallowing the Pacific Ocean, cloning a North Korea, and then filling the black hole.

Laoganba: Eh! Then you are quite busy!

Noodles: Hehe, just so-so! What are you writing, old classmate?

Laoganba: Compared with you, I am far from encouraging crops all day.

Face: (proud) Nothing, I can handle one or two thousand a year!

Laoganba: No, it's only eight or nine hundred-ten thousand a year!

Noodles: Ah, eight or nine hundred? Wan? I'm not saying you're an old man. What are you bragging about with me? Ah, we were all from the countryside. Who doesn't know how much money we earn a year, huh? Do you have any difficulties to come to me? What are you pretending? Not that I can't help you. I have hundreds of thousands of family businesses now, and there are several bicycles alone. The' 89 can be pushed later. It's okay. Don't always get tired of walking. Ride it!

Old Gamba: Well, I'm not leaving!

Noodles: Riding a donkey? That thing is more tired and painful, and it is not as good as a bicycle!

Laoganba: No. ...

(Xiao Dan)

Xiao Dan: What are you talking about? Come and drink water!

Noodles: Xiao Dan, take some of our rags to the old bar. It is too expensive to buy clothes.

Xiao Dan: Hey!

(Xiao Dan takes out a dress)

Noodles: Are you taking my clothes?

Xiao Dan: Then you won't tell the veteran cadres, will you?

Noodles: I'm talking about those you stuffed in the heating hole!

Dan: Can I still wear it?

Noodles: Can he still think of us, old Gamba?

Laoganba: Nothing, old classmates, always old classmates!

Xiao Dan: Fuck, haven't you eaten yet?

Noodles: Yes! Why don't people eat when they are old and shriveled? Besides, the vegetable oil in our house is too big. Can the old dry bus get used to it? What should I do if I have diarrhea in the future? Pack some steamed buns for the old Ganba to take away. Maybe the old Ganba is in a hurry!

Xiao Dan: Zhang Junyan, are you going a little too far?

Go ahead: Well, that's all right, Xiao Dan. Yan Jun, you are busy. I'll go first!

(Zhao Weifeng knocks at the door)

Noodles: Who is this? Stop.

(Open the door)

Noodles: Hey! Feng Wei! Oh, you miss me so much. That's great. Xiao Dan does it quickly. Don't go today. Stay here!

Stone: No, our director is here, isn't he?

Bedding face: director? Don't!

Old Gamba: (Come here) Stone, is everything done?

Stone: Brother Xin, it's done. Foreign direct funding of 20 million!

Laoganba: OK, let's go!

Noodles: Brother Xin! Oh, I miss you so much! Great, Xiao Dan, let's buy seafood. Brother Xin, don't go today. I will book you a hotel! Hey, make Longjing for Brother Xin. What are you doing with this rag? Brother Xin, sit down!

Old Gamba: Military vocabulary …

Noodles: Brother Xin, please call me Noodles Sample!

Old Gamba: Do you remember when you used to order noodles? Do you remember how your name came from?

Big mixed noodles: of course, my family was poor when I was a child. I take cornmeal to school every day. My classmates call me Da Mian, but no one looks down on me. They all came to help me!

Laogan Dad: At that time, I took a sugar steamed bun to school every day, and it was used to make your mixed noodles every time. It's not that I like to eat miscellaneous noodles, but I want you to know that there are feelings besides money in the world! Jun Yan, can you treat President Xin to seafood, stay in a hotel, and not even stay for a while? Old classmates, old classmates, even if we have more money, we can't forget our old classmates!

Bedding face: Go ahead! Whoo-

(2)