30 classic funny quotations: the old saying goes,' Zhang parents, Li family is short'. I'm not wrong about you!

1, getting engaged, my father-in-law looked at my daughter and said to me, "My daughter will be given to you in the future. She has been willful, unruly and even a little ignorant since she was a child ... ""Pa! " Before he finished, I went up and slapped him: "Who allowed you to speak ill of my girlfriend? ! "。 . .

2. I was bored at the funeral and asked the staff of the funeral home, "Do you know what the Wi-Fi password is here?" Staff: "Please respect the deceased." I asked again: "Is it a full fight or a contraction? Uppercase or lowercase? "

3. I have been dating my girlfriend for more than a month! She asked me to meet her parents tonight! As soon as we met, her father asked me to chat on the balcony and said, "Young man, you have only known each other for a month. Do you know each other? " I took a deep breath of my cigarette and said, "I don't know, only that she likes grinding her teeth when she sleeps and has a scar on her thigh." "Son, it's cold outside. Let's talk inside!"

At noon in summer, I was ecstatic to see a beautiful woman waving to me. Go up to her and ask: What can I do for you? She said in surprise, nothing! I don't seem to know you! I felt cheated and said angrily, why are you waving to me? She said with a smile, it's too hot. Can't I slap myself?

My friend's wife asked me to accompany her to the physical examination, and later found out that she was pregnant, mainly because my friend left as a soldier. His wife threatened me: "If you dare to tell him, I will say that the child is yours."

6. Chatting with a colleague in the office today. I asked him what would you do if your boyfriend gave you 3 million break-up fee? The goods eyeball a turn, said: can unwillingly on and off! Me. . .

7. When I was shopping today, I saw a foreigner coming out of the public toilet and fanning his nose as he walked. He said, it's delicious The worst toilets in our country also provide toilet paper, hand sanitizer and space freshener. You China people are pathetic. I was angry at that time and replied to him: Is there a license business for toilets in your country? Can toilets in your country provide loans? The most important thing is that the toilets in your country can have a phone number to call chickens and ducks to find gay. Higher than ours, ha! !

8. My sister went home on holiday and had a computer at home. Dad played with the landlord all day, but he couldn't get it, so he had to go to the kitchen to find his mother. . . Mom, look at my dad. He always chats with his aunt nearby on the Internet and asks for his phone number. . .

9. Today, at the class reunion, several well-mixed students were driving luxury cars and wearing famous brands. After drinking some wine on the wine table, they began to brag about how awesome they were, but when they checked out, they stopped talking and looked down for their wallets: Where's my wallet? Remember to bring it! At this time, I silently turned to the bar to pay the bill, then rode my electric car home and took out their wallets when I got home. Don't tell me, they are really rich. . .

10. I caught a cold and gave it to 10 yuan. I asked my son to buy some cold medicine for me. He loved his father and decided to go at once. . . I wish I had grown up and understood here! Half an hour later ~ my son came back, and I was glad to see him. I sat up in bed at once. . . My son said to me with a bag of spicy strips in his hand, Dad, what did you just ask me to buy? !

1 1. People who can sensitively distinguish their parents' footsteps within 10 seconds, turn off the computer TV or mobile phone, spread out their homework and hold a pen must have experienced nine years of compulsory education.

12, there was a conflict with someone in the bar. I kicked each other angrily and asked, "Do you know who my father is?" The other person was a little scared and said, "I don't know." "I don't know, I'm an orphan, meowed."

13. At the scene of hostage handling, the gangster heard the most desperate words. Policeman: "surrender quickly!" " The hostage has been killed by us! "

14, the teacher said in class that great mathematicians also have misunderstandings, so you should be careful not to take it seriously, which is easy to get into misunderstandings. There is a faint word next to scum. I have never misunderstood mathematics. I look surprised. The idiot added, I have never had a blind spot. . .

15, I remember once going to the blind for a massage, during which the master kept asking questions. I felt bad that day, so I just ignored it At last he muttered in a low voice, "Tell me something. For us blind people, if you ignore me, I feel my ears are broken. "

16, the first day of kindergarten, the baby jumped up early in the morning and shouted, "Mom, take me to school quickly!" "Mom was taken aback and immediately boasted," My baby has really grown up. You don't remember yourself. When you were in a small class last year, you were already sent to the kindergarten gate. You are still rolling on the ground, crying and refusing to go in. "Who knows, I only heard the baby smile and say to his mother," Hey, hey, of course I remember. I guess there must be many new students at the school gate today. They will all lie on the ground and roll around. I won't see them if I go late! "

17, "Look, this is one euro, 100 euro, which took me to 18 countries. Shake it, yes, and it becomes a pound. Shake it again and it's changed. Finally, it became a warm red RMB! Come, little friend, here you are. " "Come on, give me back my earliest 100 Euro!"

18, in the middle of the night, two people who were sleeping were awakened by a quick knock on the door in the room. The woman kicked the man and said, "Go and open the door." The man said, "My door is closed. How can someone knock at the door? " The woman said, "Don't scare me in the middle of the night." The man said, "MD, I should be afraid!" " I've been living alone. Who are you? "

19, hearing this sentence, most students in my class cried: in school, the saddest thing is not a bully, not a scum, but a person who doesn't know classes and can't write homework, so he has to copy homework for a living. Don't skip class, don't disturb discipline. I am anxious about my exam results, but I am helpless about the status quo. Three minutes of heat, hate yourself for disappointing. They are buried in the crowd as the most ordinary people, but they live the most miserable life!

20. I just went to a small shop to buy water. Seeing the boss fall asleep in the rocking chair, the proprietress gave him a leg beating and instantly felt so loving. I couldn't bear to disturb them, so I took two bottles of black tea and left.

2 1, met a shameless colleague in the afternoon. He brought an old man and said it was his grandfather. Let me explain the terms of old-age insurance. I talked for half an hour while he was drinking tea. . . When I finished, he pulled him aside and said, Grandpa, you know all the terms. Let's go and sign the contract now!

22. Today, I went to a job fair to apply for a job. I saw the boss dressed very tall, so I said, young man, I don't know if you are interested in moving bricks in my construction site. . . Me. . . .

23. A woman who just arrived at work gave me a mouth, "Why did you hit me!" "Bah, don't you know what you did in my dream last night?" Me. . .

24. "Master Hu, I'm hurt!" "Bastard! How do I usually teach you! Tell me what happened! " "I'll recruit a white crane with bright wings first, then I'll catch the moon from the sea, then I'll be hungry, and the monkey will pick peaches and split his fists, pointing one finger at the other ..." "Wow! The opponent seems to be a master. What moves did he use to hit you? " "Whoops, he, he fucking pulled my hair."

25. At a colleague's party today, a baby brought by a sister gave us a riddle: "What has a big and white belly with a belly button in the middle?" It didn't seem difficult, so I asked, "Baby, what are you typing?" The baby said seriously, "Make a steamed stuffed bun."

26. A man went to an underwear store to buy a bra for his wife. The clerk asked: What is your lady's cup size? The man said, take a 36D one. The clerk took it with envious eyes. After a while, the clerk came out and said shyly, I'm sorry, sir, but the stock in the store is gone. Not that big. It doesn't matter if it's a man: it doesn't matter. Let's have a smaller one. The clerk said, it's not good to hold the bra too tightly. The man said: it doesn't matter, I'll let off some gas if it's a big deal. Shop assistant .

27. Daughter-in-law ran over happily: "Look, husband, I caught a mosquito with my bare hands ~" Husband was watching TV and perfunctory: "It's amazing, eat it, even the smallest one is high-protein meat!" The wife pretended to eat, and the husband blew a sigh at her and fell in. . .

28. When encountering multiple-choice questions, Xueba's eyes: A: C is the answer, go and choose! The answer must be C. C: I am the answer. It is right to choose me! D: I was wrong. The answer is C. In the eyes of scum: A: Guess. B: Guess again. C: keep guessing. D: You'd better be cheated.

29. Me: Wife! Why did you choose to marry me? Wife: If nothing else, just because your surname is Zhang. Me: Wife: As the old saying goes, I am not wrong about you!

30. Shopping with my wife, I saw a street stall selling washbasins, washing powder, washboards and other daily necessities! My wife picked up a washboard and looked at it. The boss said humorously, "You can try it if you like!" Then my wife said to me, "Honey, get down on your knees. Does it feel right? "