The battle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, an eternal problem

The everlasting problem of the battle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Is there an evil mother-in-law at home or are you an evil daughter-in-law? When problems arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is always difficult to find the right answer.

"Communication" is often the biggest problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law! Children should be filial, so the daughter-in-law is destined to be the one to sacrifice? Let's follow Teacher Huang Yuesui's guidance and think about problems from different angles. The knot between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law for many years may be opened in this way... PART 1. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live together

"If you don't enter the tiger's den, you won't get the tiger cubs." You voluntarily and make choices, enter a new and unfamiliar environment, observe carefully, learn with humility and have good interpersonal relationships. This is the only way to integrate, grow and be accepted. The chance of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law falling in love at first sight may not be great, but it is only human-made that things will continue to grow and get better. Q1: The husband and wife quarreled, and the mother-in-law intervened!

Even if a couple gets to know each other well every day, they will still inevitably quarrel. If the daughter-in-law lives with her parents-in-law, the daughter-in-law will usually swallow her anger, but there are also moments when it becomes unbearable. In this case, What kind of behavior does mother-in-law usually behave? As a daughter-in-law, how would you respond?

Teacher Huang Yuesui pointed out that to my mother-in-law, although you and your wife are quarreling, this matter is related to my son. To my mother-in-law, my son and even my grandson are all The surname is my family's surname, and the daughter-in-law is a family member from outside, so their affairs are my business! If a daughter-in-law forcefully tells her mother-in-law to leave her alone, it will only make her mother-in-law resentful. You might as well try this. When your mother-in-law intervenes in your quarrel, the daughter-in-law can use her strength to say, "Mom, you see he is like this!" and hide away. Behind your mother-in-law, let your mother-in-law be on the same side as you, and skillfully hand over the problems between you and your husband to your mother-in-law. On the one hand, it is not a good way to appease your mother-in-law's anger, but on the other hand, let your mother-in-law blame her son. (It would be much better than letting your mother-in-law hear you scolding her son!), this is the way to go. If the mother-in-law's motivation for intervening is bad, teacher Huang Yuesui reminds the daughter-in-law that the daughter-in-law should be calmer and not angry, so as not to play into the mother-in-law's hands!

Teacher Huang Yuesui’s latest book, "Mother-in-law, is a family member, not an outsider" explains that some people use the phrase "the mantis stalks the cicada, the oriole follows" to describe the triangular relationship between mother and child, husband and wife and mother-in-law. When a couple has a dispute, it is best to develop the habit of not having it in public places or in front of outsiders (including elders and children), because both parties to the quarrel are in an emotional state and it is easy to criticize each other's shortcomings and criticize each other in every possible way. To exaggerate it, in the ears of the mother-in-law, this is like criticizing Huai or insinuating that she has no way to teach her children. Therefore, unscrupulous remarks during quarrels are not only disrespectful and unreasonable to the elders, but also become the worst tutor in front of their children.

When disputes are inevitable...

When disputes between husband and wife are inevitable, you might as well inform your mother-in-law in advance and let her know that poor communication or The quarrel is between you and your husband. Ask him not to mind or get involved, and not to reflect on the emotional words he accidentally heard. When encountering this kind of situation, usually a sensible mother-in-law will come forward and give persuasive words, or retreat when the difficulty arises. Of course, there are also some mother-in-laws who are blind-eyed or scheming, waiting to see a joke or taking advantage of the opportunity and then kicking them, but at least You don't have to add guilt and insecurity to yourself. Q2: My mother-in-law loves to watch TV series, and my children watch them too!

As soon as the TV is turned on, no matter what program it is, the children will stare at it. When the mother-in-law likes to watch TV series, inappropriate language or violent behavior in the plot may cause children to imitate or even develop bad habits. This is what parents are most worried about. Inconsistency in upbringing is a common problem in many three-generation families. Although we often say that the most important thing in raising children is to "lead by example", when such a problem comes up with the parents-in-law, it seems difficult for us as a daughter-in-law to ask our parents-in-law to follow our lead. Go in principle.

Modern parents are too nervous. Teacher Huang Yuesui gave his own example to illustrate. When he was a child, he watched Sister Lin Toou’s TV series and became very afraid of Lin Toou trees. Whenever he saw the shadow of the tree swaying, he would He was afraid that ghosts might appear, but this did not have much impact on Teacher Huang's life when he grew up.

Don’t destroy family ties across generations by insisting on your own opinions. Teacher Huang Yuesui believes that if parents don’t know how to respect their parents-in-law, your children will not respect their grandparents in the future, or they will sympathize with them ( Children tend to sympathize with the weak), which inadvertently alienates the relationship between parents and children. I believe this is not what you would like to see.

If the mother-in-law can communicate, try to use the most kind way to achieve coordination. If the mother-in-law is not good or unwilling to communicate, relax the principle a little without unduly affecting the children. The book "Mother-in-law is a family member, not an outsider" mentions that when you have different views on upbringing from your mother-in-law, you must first learn to "watch the changes quietly" and then "prescribe the right medicine". If the concepts are similar but the methods are different, then you might as well let her do it.

Although there is no doubt about the mother-in-law's motives, if the concept or behavior style is outrageous, it is recommended to discuss with the husband privately how to deal with it, and then decide who will make suggestions to the mother-in-law. If it is decided that the husband will step in, it is best for the daughter-in-law not to intervene; if there is no discord between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, the effect of the couple communicating with the mother-in-law together will be better than the husband communicating with the mother-in-law alone.

The mother-in-law’s parenting motivation is well-intentioned

As a parent, it is your bounden duty to educate your children. When your mother-in-law’s parenting concepts are different from your own, you don’t need to immediately say that “times have changed” or “ You don’t understand this” or “Just take care of your son, I will take care of my own child” and other words to completely deny others.

Please remember that entertaining grandchildren is the exclusive domain of grandpas and grandmas. As long as you think that your mother-in-law's motivations for raising your grandson are good intentions close to true love, you won't be too excited or overdo it. Don't forget that "the nurse taking care of the child is someone else's after all." You must have a sense of affection for yourself and your child. confidence.

Extended reading: How to take care of a baby with your mother-in-law? Q3: When a couple or parents and children go on a trip, my mother-in-law wants to go too!

I live with my mother-in-law almost 365 days a day. I want to have a small family vacation for myself and my children during weekends or holidays. After knowing about it, my mother-in-law wants to go too. If she is not allowed to go, she will make a lot of arrangements. Show your stinky face to your family! As a daughter-in-law, do you want to shout to your mother-in-law, "Please leave me some space for a small family!"

"If your mother-in-law wants to go out with you, it means you are a good son. Talk to my wife!" Teacher Huang Yuesui said that this is actually a matter of joy. As your parents-in-law get older, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for the whole family to travel together. It is your blessing to have the opportunity to travel together. When your children grow up, you will have photos as memories in the future to let your children know that you honor your parents. Your children will also learn to be filial to you.

Having said that, vacations for small families can be arranged. As long as you take your mother-in-law out for walks, shopping, or attend weddings and funerals from time to time, you will have the usual company. Occasionally, the small family will have to go on your own. My mother-in-law should be able to forgive me if I go out to play. If the mother-in-law still insists on following, using white lies is another way. Let your mother-in-law know that your boss has sent you on a business trip, or you have made an appointment with friends, but you are only bringing your children and not your family members, or the special occasion is not suitable for your mother-in-law to attend, etc. If you tell a lie, you must tell it in time. Teacher Huang Yuesui reminded that after returning from vacation, the child is likely to tell the lie (especially when the mother-in-law deliberately asks questions). If the incident accidentally comes to light, the couple must explain it first. Make preparations, such as friends temporarily saying they can't come, etc., to avoid the mother-in-law being angry. Q4: My mother-in-law has a strong taste and the food is not to my taste.

When your mother-in-law cooks for you, you are not only ungrateful, but you also dare to complain about it! The same goes for the opposite. If the daughter-in-law is cooking today, the mother-in-law should also know how to cherish it instead of criticizing it blindly. Regardless of whether the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law is responsible for cooking at home, teacher Huang Yuesui pointed out that "respecting the meaning of his existence, praising the virtues of his contribution, and adding personal opinions" are skills. You should learn to say: "Thank you, mom, for your hard work every day." Cook rice for us so that every meal we eat is nutritious and balanced. Unfortunately, today’s ○○○(dish name) tastes a little bit too strong~” I believe that many people who hear it will be happy to accept such praise. Next I will want to cook more delicious dishes for you next time.

Teacher Huang Yuesui even advocated that from now on, we should all write letters of "Thanksgiving" to teach. Before eating, we should close our eyes, clasp our hands, and say sincerely: "Thank you ○○ for helping us cook today. Let’s have a hearty meal!” Get rid of the perfunctory and coping mentality, and please truly treat your mother-in-law (daughter-in-law) as a family member.

PART 2. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are separated

Whether the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along harmoniously often depends on the thorough communication between "eyebrows and corners". Nowadays, many young parents themselves are not smooth enough in speaking. , even mistaking foul words for confession and white eyes for sincerity. I don’t know how to communicate anymore. How can I teach my children the principles and methods of doing things? Q1: My mother-in-law complained that her husband gave me too little money.

When the mother-in-law complained to her son that the money given to her was too little, the daughter-in-law must have heard it very unpleasantly! When an ordinary couple has a child, even if they have double income, they can only live a life without any shortage. If more money is to be allocated to the mother-in-law, it means that other parts of the funds must be reduced. Teacher Huang Yuesui divides this situation into the following two types to explain.

1. When the income is really not enough for expenses: The couple might as well confess the monthly expenses at home to let the mother-in-law understand that the husband is actually very filial, but the income and expenses are really just tight. Please Mother-in-law can understand a lot, so don’t blame her for being greedy before communicating.

2. When the amount must be reallocated: You can understand the amount of money your mother-in-law wants, and don’t refuse immediately. After the couple communicates, if your mother-in-law’s request is unreasonable, you can explain it to your mother-in-law with a reason, such as having to pay for your child. How much of the education funds can be allocated to meet the needs of my mother-in-law... Wait, is this okay? Leave the issue to your mother-in-law to decide. Teacher Huang Yuesui believes that mothers-in-law are usually willing to compromise if they eat without eating.

The book "Mother-in-law is a family member, not an outsider" also shares the following point of view. It may be untimely to raise children to prepare for old age, but for most mothers-in-law, even if they don't say it on the surface, deep down in their hearts, they still care for their sons. Whether he can care for her and take care of her until the last moment of her coffin is actually a considerable level of expectation. Especially for widowed mothers who have no financial ability and livelihood security. If you, as a daughter-in-law, can understand this, you can be more considerate of your mother-in-law with empathy, so that she can feel at ease, and never forget to remind your husband, as a son, to think more of your mother-in-law.

Extended reading: My mother-in-law and I are always at odds with each other. What should we do to get along well with my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? Q2: During the holidays, I insist on going back to my husband’s house.

Whenever festivals such as the Lunar New Year, Mid-Autumn Festival, Mother's Day or Father's Day come, as a daughter-in-law, you start to worry about whether you should go back to your in-laws' house or your natal family for the holidays? If this continues, wives may suffer from New Year’s Eve depression!

Teacher Huang Yuesui explained that in Europe and the United States, Christmas and Thanksgiving are their major holidays. Nowadays, it is very popular for them to take turns celebrating the holidays at their husband's house one year and at their parents' house one year. Teacher Huang Yuesui strongly agrees with this approach and hopes that this way of celebrating the festival can be extended to every family in Taiwan. "Every day is a reunion day if you really want to." Teacher Huang Yuesui reminded that it doesn't have to be a holiday to get together. As long as you are willing to make time, any time is suitable for the whole family to reunite. Q3: Treat your husband as a child and ask your wife to take care of her "son" like she does!

My husband is several years old, but my mother-in-law always takes care of him like a child! She had to call him in the morning to make sure he was up, and she had to personally help him pack his luggage every time he went on a business trip. He also called from time to time to tell him about the details of his life. My wife could hardly stand it anymore, and she didn't expect her mother-in-law to make further demands. You have to take care of her "son" just like him!

Teacher Huang Yuesui suggested that in this situation, the couple should communicate in advance and cultivate a tacit understanding. The son should have the courage to take responsibility, and ask the husband to let his mother-in-law know that he is an adult and does not need to The mother-in-law takes care of her in every possible way; the daughter-in-law can also naturally say to her mother-in-law, "I want to learn from you and take care of your son, but he said that he is an adult and does not need me to do this."

In the hearts of parents , my concern for my children is endless, and I’m afraid it won’t come to an end until I close my eyes and sleep forever. Teacher Huang Yuesui mentioned in the book "Mother-in-law, I am a family member, not an outsider" that even if the children have grown up and become parents, in the eyes of their parents, they will always be the children who need care and care when they were young. This kind of human nature It cannot be erased. Even if the son is married, the mother-in-law can't help but continue to take care of her son. As a daughter-in-law, you must be able to accept this objectively, because your love for your children is the same as that of your mother-in-law. It's just about time. It hasn’t arrived yet, so I can’t feel it yet.

As my mother-in-law gets older, her scope of social activities shrinks, and her interpersonal interaction rate also decreases. Therefore, it is easier for her to focus her life and focus on her son, whom she is closest to, understands best, and wants to give the most. Wife and other family members. If a grandson or granddaughter is born, she can't help but put more emotion and energy into taking care of her grandchild in every possible way. So no matter whether her behavior has interfered with your privacy or the living space of your small family, you don't have to think that she is inexplicable or too bullying. You just need to understand her and do not hurt her dignity. Next, express your opinion appropriately without arguing with her.

Eliminate your mother-in-law’s concern about you robbing her son

1. Maintain a good interactive relationship with your original family

Don’t let your other partner get married after you get married. Half of them have completely different interactions with their original family, or are completely cut off, especially towards their mother-in-law. If your husband can't do it, or forgets to care more about his family, you'd better remind him, encourage him, and accompany him to complete it, so that because of your participation, the relationship between the whole family will be closer and the relationship will be more harmonious. Make time more enjoyable and make your mother-in-law or members of your husband's family feel how good you are.

2. Develop a tacit understanding of communication with your husband in private

You must develop a tacit understanding of communication with your husband in private, including when your mother-in-law or members of your husband’s family criticize you behind your back. It reminds you that you don’t have to rush to have an emotional reaction. Instead, you can respond rationally after settling your thoughts, or even treat it indifferently. Try to avoid unnecessary head-on conflicts with your parents or siblings because of you. It is not easy to maintain a good relationship, and it can be completely destroyed by just one hurtful word.