Why only praise the child "smart", he will suffer sooner or later?

If you vote for the most commonly used words to praise children,

"Smart" is definitely on the list.

We often hear the saying:

"Your children are so smart!"

"The child is very clever, but he doesn't study hard."

"The child is very clever, but he is not focused on the right path."

In fact,

It's really not good to praise children in such a general way!

It may even become a roadblock for children's growth.

Why do we like to praise children for being "smart"?

The social habits of every adult,

To a large extent, they are imitating their parents.

I have been exposed since I was a child.

When our parents see other people's children,

Always boasting that "your children are so smart",

So we educate our children ourselves,

Or meet other people's children,

You are unconsciously copying the same word.

In essence,

"You are so smart" is a mindless "compliment and politeness".

A braggart need not worry about praising his children.

You don't need to organize your own language,

You're so smart,

You can learn from your child's good behavior.

And the word smart,

Born with a sense of intellectual superiority,

Not only praised the children,

Even praising parents' genes,

Kill two birds with one stone, both children and parents are very useful.

Although this is a good intention,

But praising children's "cleverness" is extremely harmful to children.

Many people think they are praising their children.

Encourage children to make progress and enhance their self-confidence.

But it's this compliment,

Let children have a wrong cognition, let children feel:

"cleverness is more important than hard work."

"I'm smart, so I don't need to work hard."

Why shouldn't children be praised as "smart"?

Xiaomei, a friend who grew up together,

Is a child who has been praised as "smart" since childhood.

Her grandmother and grandmother are both primary school teachers.

So when I was in primary school,

Xiaomei has actually mastered a lot of knowledge in the second and third grades.

Everyone keeps praising Xiaomei for her cleverness.

So she is also addicted to other people's praise:

"Xiaomei is very smart, and she got such a high score without learning much."

After entering the top class of key high schools,

Xiaomei suddenly discovered that she was not the best and smartest person in her class.

Faced with difficulties, some students will choose to redouble their efforts.

Ask teachers and classmates for advice.

But Xiaomei chose to give up completely and began to skip class and read novels.

Hanging out with many students who don't study well,

Seek "intellectual advantage" among them,

On the pretext that "I just don't like studying, and I will get high marks if I learn the same thing",

Actually, I just don't want to admit that I'm "not that smart."

Professor of Behavioral Psychology, Stanford University

Carol Dwek did a famous experiment.

Ten years later,

A long-term study was conducted on 400 students from 20 schools in new york:

The first round of testing was very simple.

After the children finished speaking, a group of children were praised:

"You are so smart and talented."

Another group of children who were praised were:

"You must have worked hard just now, so you did a great job!"

In the second round of tests, children are free to choose the difficulty.

Children who are praised for their hard work,

90% chose the difficult test.

Those children who are praised as smart,

Most of them chose simple tests.

The third round of tests is very difficult.

All the children failed.

Children who are praised for their hard work,

I think the reason for my failure is that I didn't work hard enough.

So I have been actively looking for various methods.

And willing to accept the challenge,

Think "this is my favorite test".

A clever boy who is praised,

I think the reason is that I am not smart enough.

Therefore, they have been trapped in self-denial in the test.

He was very depressed when he couldn't solve the problem.

There is resistance to testing.

The fourth round of testing is as simple as the first round.

But those children who are praised for their hard work,

The score of this exam is about 30% higher than that of the first exam.

Those children who are praised as smart,

Compared with the first time, the score this time has dropped by about 20%.

Professor Dwek's experiment was repeated many times.

She found that regardless of the child's family background,

Can't stand the frustration of being praised for being smart and failing.

Boys and girls are the same,

Especially girls with good grades suffer the most.

Professor Dwek said:

"Praise your child's efforts, and the child will think,

Success is in your own hands;

Praise children for their cleverness, and children will think that talent is the key to success.

Unconsciously underestimated the importance of efforts.

Children will think:

I am smart, so I don't have to study so hard.

Even think that hard work is stupid,

It is equivalent to admitting to everyone that you are not smart enough. "

Praise affects children's way of thinking.

Different ways of praising,

It will lead to different attribution of children's grades.

Simply put,

Attribution refers to how people reason and explain their behavior.

Praise children's intelligence,

Will lead children to attribute their achievements to "talent",

And "talent" is an uncontrollable factor for children.

Once encountering setbacks, children can easily give up on themselves.

I don't think I can change the status quo through my own efforts.

Then I felt that I was a "loser".

In fact,

When a child encounters setbacks, it is not "really impossible".

But fell into the psychological state of "learned helplessness",

This kind of psychology will make us attribute our failure to our unchangeable factors.

Give up the courage and confidence to keep trying.

Commonly known as "broken cans and broken falls", such as:

Poor academic performance is because you are stupid and can't change it.

I am lovelorn because I am bored and no one will like me.

The boss criticized me because I was not suitable for this job and had to resign.

This is also the "fixed thinking mode" defined by Professor Dwek in the experiment.

And praised the children's efforts,

When children encounter problems and challenges,

Will tend to solve problems through their own efforts,

If you fail, you will also think that you haven't worked hard enough.

I think that if you want to solve the problem, you just have to work harder.

This is the "growth thinking mode" defined by Professor Dwek.

Have almost the same talent,

Children with "growth thinking mode",

Obviously easier to succeed.

You don't need to be nervous when someone praises your child for being clever.

No matter how smooth we are,

No adult is willing to accept the "correction" of others.

Give "vaccination" to relatives, friends and school teachers in advance.

Let them know their parents' insistence on this matter,

It can largely avoid the embarrassment of communication afterwards.

If you find someone praising your child for being "smart",

We need not be nervous.

Man is a wonderful creature,

Our thoughts and actions were not formed overnight.

Children's thinking mode can't be established by others boasting a few words of "cleverness" or "hard work".

So we don't need to be anxious,

Always be alert to how others praise children.

If you meet someone casually boasting:

"Your child is really smart."

We can add:

"You flatter me,

My child is as clever as other children.

But I really work hard and do things seriously. "

We can subtly help children realize:

"What is more important than cleverness is the degree of hard work.

Everyone has almost the same talent,

There are many factors that determine success.

But as long as you work hard, the chances of success will be much greater. "

Once the child agrees with this concept,

A casual remark, "You are so smart",

It will not have a particularly big impact on children.

There is a good saying:

With the efforts of most people, it is not the turn to fight for talents.

Praise the child's "talent",

It is better to cultivate children's "growth thinking mode".

This is the key factor that determines whether a child can succeed.

Attached:

How to cultivate children's "growth thinking mode"?

The most important advice given by Professor Carol Dwek is:

"Praise children's efforts, strategies and choices, not their talents."

According to Professor Dwek's principle,

Draw up 15 sentences instead of praising children for being "smart":

1. You worked hard and finished well! -Praise efforts

It's hard, but you never give up. Well done! -praise perseverance

Your attitude in doing this is correct and serious. -Compliment attitude

You have made great progress at this point! -Compliment on details

This method is so original that I didn't expect it! -Praise creativity

6. You solved this problem with your friends, and your cooperation was great! -praise the spirit of cooperation

7. You have handled this matter very well! -praise leadership.

8. You are not afraid of difficulties at all. Rare! -Praise courage

9. It's very kind of you to help others finish the task! -Praise enthusiasm

10. You have arranged your room/books well. -praise responsibility and organization.

1 1. I believe you, because you have always been a trustworthy child. -Praise credit

12. Your participation in the activity today is very active, which is very good! -Praise participation

13. It's good that you can accept other people's opinions with an open mind! -praise the open and modest attitude.

Your choice is good. -Praise your choice

15. It's very kind of you to remember these! -A compliment to carefulness

PS: remember to save it, it will be useful ~

Author: Doudou's little stepmother

(This article comes from: Baidu Baby knows that Uncle Kai tells stories v)

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