Collecting 5,000 funny jokes

1. It doesn't waste electricity if you speak louder!

2. It turns out he can talk. I thought he was blind.

3. A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

4． Anyone who doesn’t know him has never eaten pork.

5. Little girl, give me a smile. If you don’t smile, he will give you a smile.

6. Go your own way and let whoever wants to say it go!

7. I am a second-hand scientist

8. Don't leave when the show is over, I'll treat you all to dinner - whoever goes will pay.

9. "Uncle, how to get to the United States?" "Who knows...ask the village chief!"

10. Tieling is still several stops away from the United States!

11. That white guy in the White House - freshly painted.

12. This plane is also diesel powered.

13． When people do good things, they always want to let the ghosts and gods know. When we do bad things, they always let the ghosts and gods not know. We are too embarrassed for the ghosts

Spend two hundred yuan to buy a little pig, squeaking, drinking water, squeaking, squeaking, squeaking Eat beans, throw them over the wall, and with a squeak, guess what—they’re dead!

14. The eyes of animals (people) are sharp

15. Give Ya some money (New Year's money)

16. His fart can turn his white underpants into chrysanthemums

17. If you don’t leave me here, I will leave you somewhere. If you don’t leave me everywhere, I will go to the railway!

18. Behind every successful man there is a woman, but I failed because there are two women behind me.

19. If you want to be famous, publish a book first. If you want to publish a book, get into trouble first~!

20. The true love story between Ximen Daguan and Jin Lian~~

21. If I can’t serve my country and bring peace to the world, whose husband am I?

22. Too Poor Lyrics Version...Use the nunchucks quickly. Hum hum hayi~~~It's over~You two are dead~~

23. Hey~~This student is so rare. I, I will recognize you as my godfather. Come, foster father, sit down, foster father

24. The American goddess holds a torch in this hand and a book in this hand. This tells us that we must study even when the power is out.

25. My sister-in-law married me. She was my sister-in-law at first

26. Isn't it just cutting some meat? More than 1 kilogram was cut off from the thigh with one knife. Come back after you eat it. The old lady took the meat and looked at it with trembling hands. It was too fat.

27.3. Once upon a time, there was a man named Xiao Ming. When he was a child, his mother asked him to buy steamed buns. Her mother said that steamed buns cost four for one dollar. Don’t make a mistake!

Then his mother gave him one dollar. The bun seller saw that the child was cute, so he gave him five.

On the way back, Xiao Ming thought that he could not explain it when he went home. After a fierce ideological struggle, he threw away a...

28. Bring half a bottle of beer... Let's get drunk and then rest...

29. You haven’t been beaten by scientists, right?

30. When I get rich, I will also buy a dress with a collar.

31.1. When the pony was crossing the river, he felt uncertain, so he went to ask his friends in the forest for advice.

The old cow said: "The water is very shallow, just up to my calf, so I can wade through it."

The squirrel said: "It's very deep! If you can't get across, one of my friends fell in." They drowned in this river!"

Later, the pony had to go back and ask his mother. The mother said to the pony kindly: "My child, you are stupid, we hippos can swim."

32. The old man only had one tooth left, but he ended up stuffing it when he ate!——Eating lotus root caused a hole in his eye

33. If their family members don’t pick up things when they go out, they will throw them away

34. Your shameless look has the charm of my youth.

35. This young man looks like an actor if he hides his face...

36. Animals in the mountains, swallows in the clouds, cattle and sheep on land, fresh food from the sea, monkey heads, bird's nests, shark fins, bear paws, scallops and deer tail tips! Open your cheeks and lift your back molars.

The food is like the water from the Yangtze River, like the wind and the remaining clouds, just like the earth in the box...

37. Pancake rolls and steamed buns are eaten with rice.

38. I drank too much last time, so I used chopsticks as chicken claws and ate one and a half.

39． Lobster, sea crab, haha! I just love eating them in the shell! Waiter, bring him a plate of melon seeds

40. From now on, I will never stop eating lobster.

41. There are four dishes on the table. Open the first one and look at it, ha! It’s so good! Old vinegar peanuts! Open the second one, even better! Old vinegar peanuts! Open the third one, peanuts, no vinegar! The fourth one is Look, a plate of vinegar!

42. You know how much I eat, and I don’t like roast duck, so after eating four, I couldn’t eat any more. I said, “I really can’t eat it. I have to eat when I get home later.”

43. After all, I couldn't outrun that BMW and could only watch it fly away in the sunset. It wasn't that my engine was bad, but that my pedals were broken!

44.901 The flight is from Daxizhimen to Zhongguancun. The fare is 5 yuan. Please board the flight. You said how interesting this is. The flight attendant stood there and shouted, "Come on, get on, get on, there's a big seat, there's a big seat."

45． A couple does not necessarily have a good relationship, and a good relationship does not necessarily mean a couple; a cross talk master may not necessarily be able to speak cross talk, and a singer may not necessarily know music.

46. The lock can be opened with a poke of noodles, and a pack of instant noodles can open a small area.

47. When we are tired from walking, he sits here, and the dog sits here, with one side high, and everyone who comes over wonders: Whose twins are these?

48. I buy 50 good cars - Alto, Alto, Alto...! Use wire darts to rise and drive like a train!

49． After ten years of elementary school and twelve years of middle school, I was rated as the most familiar face in the school. When new teachers came, they always asked me about the inside story of the school...

50. I took a job and could earn 300,000 yuan... I took a look at the blueprint and built a 40-meter chimney. When it was completed, someone came to take a look and beat me up. I looked at the blueprint and asked them to let me go. Dig a well.

51. What did you get? Eggs brought by my mother. Give it to me. No...guess, guess how many. I guess you give me one. You have to guess and I'll give you both. 5?

52. The crosstalk is great! Promote truth, goodness, beauty, and uprightness.

53. Listening to more cross talk shows that you are patriotic. There is a child in our neighborhood who can speak seven or eight foreign languages, including English, Japanese, Korean, South Slavic, North Slavic, West Slavic... Anyway, he is not the same as sitting with the Eight-Power Allied Forces and yelling at each other! Tell him that you listen. Go listen to cross talk. "Don't go! I can't understand!" I would have beaten him to death if he didn't care about the law! He speaks seven or eight foreign languages ??but can't understand cross talk!

54. There was once an opportunity to make money in front of me, but I didn't take it seriously. The opportunity passed and I regretted it. If God gives me another chance, I hope to tell the village chief: I am willing to go. If I had to add a limit in front of the salary, I hope it would be: 400 yuan

55. This matter was not far away from now. If you have elderly people at home, you can go back and ask - it was during the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period.

56. If there are difficulties, we should help. If there are no difficulties, we should help.

If I couldn’t beat you, I would have fallen out with you long ago~

57. The house we lived in was riddled with holes, and one day it rained and it would kill me: it rained moderately in the house where it rained lightly outside, and it rained heavily in the house where it rained heavily outside. Sometimes the rain was so heavy that the whole family went to the street to take shelter.

58． Can you care? Have I ever done this with you? I can't help you with this!

59． Don't tell me what your name is. If you say it, it's just a curse.

60. If you are willing to die, I will be willing to bury you.

61. Thank you all for your encouragement!

62. A lot of people came, and I was very happy.

63. I am a scientist, an ethical scientist.

64. Crosstalk pays attention to four skills: Pit. Mongolian. Turn. cheat!

65. Are you willing to listen, are you willing to listen, are you willing to listen? You make your own choice, I will never force you.

66. I am used to sleeping on the kang at home.

67. Friends on the third floor...Hello!!! (Peng: There is a third floor here)

68. If you have a cold or cough in the past two days, you will not be charged for the fee~

69. Many crosstalks are made up, but this one is true.

70. Come on, let’s go out and I’ll show you my tattoo. Which B-society person have you seen with a Crayon Shin-chan tattoo?

71. If the law didn’t care, I would have beaten him to death long ago

72. Don’t even like fried noodles? You forgot your roots! ! !

73. I have been an artist for more than a week~~~~~

74. One dollar and six grenades, I'll throw you a hundred dollars first!

75． Can you still fire me? This deal is mine

76. Look, your face is green... you only eat spinach. Your father, Popeye...

77. I want to get married, and I don’t have any requirements... I just want to be fairer~" The next day someone really came... That hair, it's called white

78. Nezha's original name... ..It turns out to be Li Goudan!

79. Jin Yong calls, uses PHS to feed? Hey!

80. When the Qingming Festival comes, those people Widows... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I don’t do outside work. I am synonymous with chastity and virtuousness. I will follow you wherever I go.

83. There is no lobster two feet long in any shabby restaurant. Go and give me some stew. Cake.

84. Gorky taught us: “You don’t want to be like this. ”

85. He didn’t even know the neighbors, and he was still thinking about whether there were aliens in the world!

86. Buy a bottle of mineral water, take a sip and curse - fake !" "Why is it fake? It's watered down!

87. Is it true? Just take it seriously

88. It rained twice, the first one lasted three days, the second one lasted four days

89. As soon as the door opened, two little nurses came down, hehe, he was very beautiful, 1.7 meters tall. Big eyes, small cherry mouth, and a wide waist, just like a retired stewardess, look at it!!!

90. A family of women wants to know how to make their own decisions. Don't post the photo online, (referring to Yu Qian) Yu Guanxi!

91. It looks like the scene of a car accident!

92. People today call Taiyi the real person. Real person, Taiyi is vomiting blood!

93. Are you willing to be my next ex-girlfriend?

94. I’m already driving 3 miles, it’s so exciting

95. The snake spirit fell in love with Calabash Baby...tragedy.

96. My watch was originally priced at 350,000 yuan, but it was 420 yuan after discount.

1. My cousin is 10 years old and went shopping for vegetables.

Asked how much a pound of vegetables cost.

Counteroffer: Cheaper, 1 yuan.

The vegetable vendor agreed and weighed exactly one pound.

When they were paying, they took out 2 yuan and said to the vegetable vendor, "No need to change." .

2. The kindergarten has to measure the height and weight of the children, so I moved the scale to the classroom.

The little boy quietly put one foot up. When he found the number, he immediately called his partner and said excitedly: "Come on, you will know how old you are when you stand up..." ”

3. The teacher gave a national defense education class to primary school students and asked what weapons everyone knew.

Many children answered: Pan...

4. During dinner, I asked the baby: "Where do you think dad ranks among the dads of your classmates?"

p>

The baby blinked and said in a tone of voice: "Let's put it this way, as long as you work hard, you can be the first."

I only know so much