It's not your fault to be apart, it's my fault.

October in the south, rather critical is deep, autumn wind and autumn rain are sad. Silent night, quiet loneliness, suddenly looking back, is already an old friend. It's just, it's just, if only life could be like the first time.

The morning sunshine gently kissed the French windows, and the autumn wind gently blew the curtains. A sharp pain like a knife woke me from my sleep. Is it a stomachache or heartache? I curled up in bed like an orphan, with my hands around my feet, staring blankly out of the window. The voice of "I regret it, how are you now" hovers in my mind. At this moment, the heartbreaking pain is tearing a lonely soul, scarred and ruthlessly peeling off. The past is vivid, once the sea, has long been changed.

I first met him ten years ago. Fate is a wonderful thing. We were in the same high school and grade that year, but we never met on campus.

High school is stressful, even though the school is only 15 minutes' drive from home, I still choose to stay. I only go home once every weekend. However, every Sunday evening, at the bus stop near my home, I will see a boy about my age, with fair skin and delicate facial features, wearing the same school uniform as me, carrying a schoolbag, wearing headphones, putting his hands in his pockets at will, standing 3 meters away from me, waiting for the bus quietly. The setting sun shone obliquely on him, and he looked so indifferent in An Ru, like a fairy tale and an undisputed prince. Then I was surprised to find that he and I got on the same bus and got off at the same school.

Later, I learned that he is also a senior one student in our school, and his class is in the building opposite my class. More coincidentally, his home and mine are on the same street, but we have never met each other, just like one left and one right, and we can't find the intersection where we meet. Senior one, we met at the crossroads, but there is still no reason to choose to know each other. We are still strangers who have met n times but haven't said hello. Perhaps, although the fireworks are regrettable, they are still bright.

The wonder of fate once made us miss the chance to get to know each other, and finally let us hug each other tightly until we parted.

I chose liberal arts in my sophomore year, and it was liberal arts that introduced me to him. The ratio of male to female in liberal arts classes is seriously unbalanced, which is about 4: 1. Among 50 people, I recognized him at a glance. He is not very tall, but he is still a quiet and familiar face with a shallow smile. Sitting by the window, absorbed in reading, as if all the good things in the outside world were cut off from him. From that day on, I was in his class, I knew his name, and I saw him smile and nod. But we still didn't speak for each other.

I am a typical person who is cold outside and hot inside. I am an extremely quiet woman in a strange circle and never take the initiative to deal with others. To outsiders, I am a cold, aloof, quiet, beautiful and lovely girl. In the eyes of my roommates and friends, I am a ridiculous savage woman who always says that I am a little tiger in rabbit skin. In the class, except for the rest time, I chatted with my deskmate and roommates for a while, and the rest time was basically reading and studying. Maybe the hormones of youth are doing strange things. Sometimes I get several love letters from science classes, but I throw them into the trash. I will meet boys in the corridor, but I will refuse them coldly and mercilessly. Soon, I became a topic of discussion in the boys' dormitory, and I also had several nicknames, such as partition, iceberg and little dragon girl.

Due to the rotation of seats every month every semester, the distance between him and me gradually narrowed by the third year of high school. He became my front desk. On that day, he looked particularly refreshing and handsome, with a pair of slender and charming peach eyes under his short black hair. His eyes are deep and affectionate, which makes people afraid to look straight, for fear that they will sink in. Bright and clean white face, revealing angular coldness, high nose, thin lips, and sometimes dazzling smile. After a careful look, I found that his deskmate had been chatting with me all the time. And he turned his head slightly, looked at me gently with clear eyes like water, and spoke to me for the first time.

"Hi, we met a long time ago, remember? The bus stop every Sunday night! Every time you look indifferent, I dare not come forward to say hello to you. " Say that finish, he pursed his lips and made a look of injustice.

"Well, the iceberg is cold, not people inside and outside (I know they often say that about me in the dormitory). Do you feel a little cold behind you now? " I grinned and raised my eyebrows slightly to frighten him.

"Cold, cold, little afraid. Before a volcano (he pointed to a lot of review books on the table) and after an iceberg, I am Alexander. " As he spoke, he made a gesture of self-abandonment, sometimes showing the appearance of collapse. "Poof, classmate, don't be too full." I was amused by him. He froze, touched his head and smiled. Look at him silly, as naive as a child.

Time is the catalyst of feelings, and distance gives us a chance to know each other better. In my senior year, he and I became comrades-in-arms in study and good friends in life. We talk about everything, everything. There is a little more tacit understanding between us, and we have become the object of mutual spit. For the final sprint of the college entrance examination, we supervised each other's study. We study together, go to the library and eat together. I give him Chinese lessons and he gives me math lessons. We helped each other and worked for the same university as agreed. At that time, we were young and ignorant. Under the pressure of the college entrance examination, we didn't have too many complicated feelings, only the same dream and the same revolutionary spirit.

It's a pity that God of Wealth won't protect me forever. I failed the college entrance examination. Not admitted to the ideal university. I broke my promise to him. At that time, the weather was particularly sultry in July. I locked myself in a small room and didn't take a step for a whole week, as if I had jumped into the abyss and couldn't escape. My whole life is full of black, there is no hope, only confusion. After all, I'm tired of crying. I figured it out and decided. I only remember that my mobile phone kept ringing until it stopped. Charging the phone, there are more than 100 text messages, dozens of missed calls, showing that it is him. I got up the courage to call back, and the other party connected without hearing the beep. His familiar and eager voice came from his ear. "Thank god, thank god, finally wait for your call. Are you okay? I'm going crazy. In order to make up for my fears these days, you are allowed to come out to see me in half an hour. " He hung up before I could answer.

I haven't seen the sun for a week, and I miss the smell of the sun. I found that the sky that day was particularly blue, without a trace of floating floc, sunny and warmer. I sat in the back seat of his bicycle, bathed in warm sunshine, enjoying the coolness of summer in the wind, being practical and comfortable. He took me to the place I always wanted to go-the sea. In the face of the mighty and turbulent sea, I am ecstatic. He and I, running wildly on the beach, chasing each other, shouting at the sea without scruple, as if all our sorrows were swept away by the waves of the sea. Tired, he and I sat quietly on the beach. Suddenly, he reached out and touched my head. In his voice, he said to me gently, promise me, don't let me lose you again. No matter what happens in the future, I will always be by your side.

My heart was shaking, and I bowed my head and didn't answer. For an instant, I looked up at him and told him in a hoarse voice that I might leave here and choose to study abroad. He didn't speak, and his face became heavy. I saw the sadness in his eyes. For a long time, he forced a smile, lowered his voice and whispered, ok, you go. I'll wait here until you come back. Have a nice trip. As soon as the words were spoken, he hugged me tightly and I didn't have time to react. At that moment, I felt his heartbeat, his reluctance, and my tears fell unconsciously.

I hugged him tightly for a minute and didn't speak, but our hearts quietly approached. I know that our friendship has deteriorated long ago, and ambiguous feelings are spreading rapidly.

Plans can never keep up with changes. Accidents will happen. Shortly after the meeting that day, the storm of parents' divorce rolled up again. Since my mother found out that my father was having an affair a year ago, the family turmoil has been constant, but this time it has become more broken. Because of this, my mother was seriously ill. I gave up the opportunity to study abroad to take care of my mother and stayed in an ordinary university in this city. I didn't tell him that I didn't go abroad, so he always thought I was abroad.

I failed in the college entrance examination, and my parents' divorce storm hit me hard. During my college years, I chose to join the student union and apply for various academic certificates. Besides attending classes and dealing with the tedious working hours of the students' union, I just run around the library and study hard. I paralyze myself with busyness and improve myself with study and work. He will find me on QQ every day and share his interesting things on campus with me. And I always reply to him with "well, well, I'm busy", because my father's infidelity makes me insecure and afraid of love. I choose to play dumb and escape from his feelings. Gradually, my indifferent reply made him mistakenly think that he really bothered me, and even thought that I had a new boyfriend in college. Then he stopped contacting me. As for me, I always ask my friends in high school about his recent situation, just to know whether he has a good day and is in a good mood. I also learned by chance from my good friend why he chose to stay in this city instead of going to Shanghai and Xiamen University as we agreed. Because of me, because this city has my taste, there are memories of me and him, even if I am not here.

In fact, I have been there all the time, but he doesn't know, but I don't have enough courage.

Until the evening of my junior year, I saw a familiar figure downstairs in the girls' dormitory. It's him. It's really him. A man who has not been in touch for a long time but has been rooted in his heart and silently missed. Although I haven't seen him for three years, his appearance and height are still deeply imprinted in my mind. It's still the beautiful face of Zhang Jun, only a little more stubble, a little more melancholy and mature charm. When he saw me, he first had a charming smile on his face, then he slowly came up to me, touched my hair affectionately, and said calmly and freely, if I look again, my eyes will fall out.

Then he and I came to a bench by a sparsely populated lake and sat down. He sighed, looked at me affectionately and said, I'll tell you next. He said that everything that happened to me in the past three years was known from his high school friends. I didn't study abroad and I didn't have a boyfriend. He said that because I have been single for three years, I miss me every day, and every time I miss me, I will silently call my name in my heart. He said that since the few days when he didn't contact me much, his heart was like tears, and his breathing would hurt. He said he liked me so much that he couldn't help himself, so much so that he wanted to drown his sorrows in wine. He said he regretted not having the courage to keep me three years ago, and he didn't want to miss it again this time. He said he would love me well and he would try his best to satisfy everything I wanted. He begged me to trust him and give me a chance to fall in love. Before I could react, he ran to the lake and shouted, I love you, I really love you, I really love you. I listen, I am confused, I am shy, I am moved, and I suddenly realize that this is a campus. I hurried forward and put my hand over his mouth. I looked into his eyes, and his eyes were so direct and strong, so gentle and delicate, like water and tenderness. Yes, this man has surrounded me with deep love. How can I be worthy of his devotion, his devotion and his doting? Besides, don't I love him, too? For the first time, I took the initiative to hug him under his affectionate eyes. I chose to believe in love, chose to believe in him and promised him. He picked me up happily, kept turning like a child, and finally gently put me down, raised my head and kissed my lips gently.

After that day, we fell in love and really got together. He chose to stay in this city as an intern. Like other couples, we do romantic things between couples every day. We went back to his school hand in hand, walking the way he had walked and eating what he liked. We go shopping hand in hand, watch movies, watch the sunrise and sunset, and travel together. We will say good morning and good evening every day, eat the same ice cream, tell love stories to each other, sit together and talk about interesting things that have been missing for three years to make up for the emotional gap for three years.

There are not many quarrels between us, only mutual understanding and concern. When going out on a date, he will hold my hand tightly, help me with my bag, give me all the delicious food, eat my leftovers, surprise me and keep what I said in mind. I am tired, he will carry me; He will take care of me patiently when my stomach is uncomfortable; My shoelaces are loose, so he will bend down to tie them for me. My hair is wet. He will dry it for me. What he does for me is what I want to do for him every day. He doesn't let me do housework, nor does he let me be as busy as a bee for him every day. And I always help him clean the house secretly. I will read all kinds of cooking and dessert books just to make him a delicious meal and cakes with different flavors. I will accompany him to play his favorite billiards, meet his friends and stay with him quietly. Love is like this. Two people happily do simple things for each other every day, then tolerate each other and slowly make themselves better.

Such a sweet day intoxicated me and made me think that I would spend my life with him like this. But fantasy can't escape reality. In the second year we were together, he graduated, and his family asked him to go back to his hometown to take over his grandfather's ancestral business. His father's life was irresistible, and he returned to his hometown where he was born and raised. I stayed in my old city. In this way, he and I started a long and hard long-distance love.

Missing in a different place makes us miserable, and we can't wait to leave everything behind and come to each other. Just as I was quietly preparing to pack my bags and go to his hometown, something happened at home, and my family needed me to go back and help. At that time, my mother also knew the fact that I was with him and strongly opposed it. At that moment, I shed tears. It is unfair to hate God. Why do we encounter so many obstacles on the way to love each other? Although everyone was not optimistic about my long-distance relationship with him, I didn't give up. I firmly believe that our love and his dedication will break the legend of distance.

We started our daily telephone and video contact, calling several times a day and listening for more than a minute or two. There are always endless topics. Every day I will wake him up for work on time, and he will remind me to eat on time. I will make him happy, and he will sing and tell jokes to make me happy. Every night we have to wait for each other's "good night" before going to bed. No matter how busy the days are, we will say good morning and "I love you" to each other, and try to squeeze out one or two days to meet and date every month.

The sea I love beyond the mountain is not flat. Gradually, he became busier and busier. Because I took over such a big ancestral business just after graduation, many things lacked experience and experience. In the factory, many experienced old employees don't listen to his discipline and arrangement, waiting to see his jokes, which leads to more and more work pressure and worse temper. At that time, I listened to him quietly on the phone, gave him support and encouragement, and told him that no matter what happened, you and I would always be by your side.

He said he would work hard to prove his ability to the old employees. He is very busy at work every day, almost until three or four in the morning. His phone is less, so I can't wait for Ann sooner or later. Every time I call him, I am either busy or in a meeting. Give him WeChat, and he will reply the next day or not at all. Just before New Year's Day, I happily cleaned myself up and prepared to go to his hometown to surprise him and tell him that my mother agreed that I was with him. Just as I was about to go out, his text message suddenly came from my mobile phone. When I opened the short message, those simple and heavy words flashed into my eyes, and in retrospect, my heart ached faintly.

"I'm tired, let's break up!"

I panicked. I'm at a loss. I quickly dialed dozens of calls for him, but he didn't listen. At that moment, I felt abandoned by the whole world, squatting helplessly in the dark corner of the room, and I don't know how long I cried. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by the sound of heartbreak. I tried to call him, but for a long time, the phone was connected. I cried and asked him why he broke up and why he gave up our hard-working relationship so easily. He didn't answer, and I heard sobbing on the other end of the phone. He cried, he cried, and my heart hurt more.

After a while, he finally spoke, sobbing. He said he was tired, he was too tired, he loved someone and gave me the happiness I wanted. He said that he is now living without a soul and can drink and smoke. He hates himself now and is even more afraid of letting me see him like this. He said he was tired of long-distance relationships and I wasn't with him. He has always felt insecure, and there is no point in having a girlfriend. He said he had changed. He doesn't know what love feels like. He is tired of love and doesn't understand it. He doesn't love me, and he doesn't want to love me anymore. Love exhausted him. He asked me to let him go and set him free. I said I could wait. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me now I can make him love me again. I said I can give up everything now, regardless of the company or my relatives, and go straight to him right away. I said I would stay with him and give him the sense of security he wanted.

No matter how I tried to persuade him, he chose to break up with me. I still won't give up. I can't believe he doesn't love me anymore. The next day I wrote him a long email and sent it to him, telling him the story of my love with him, telling him what I have always wanted to say to him, and telling him the future I want to create with him. In front of him, I am no longer an iceberg, but a woman who has lost her self-esteem and pride and will only love him. I thought my sincerity would impress him, but the reality is cruel and people are ruthless. He told me not to disturb him. He has made up his mind. Let's get together and part. Finally, I asked him, will you regret giving up my relationship with us for eight years? He didn't answer.

I didn't cry after being lovelorn, but my heart was as painful as a knife, so painful that I couldn't breathe. I felt that the whole person was evacuated, numb and desperate. I started eating tea and rice, couldn't sleep at night, and lived a walking life every day. Finally, one day, my body couldn't stand the mental torture and I was hospitalized with stomach bleeding. Shortly after being hospitalized in the hospital, at the same time, I heard the bad news that my favorite grandmother died of illness. When my body was being treated in the hospital, I felt sad for my grandmother's death. I feel lonely and depressed as never before. I began to miss him and longed for his concern. However, when all my relatives and friends sent me care and greetings, he was the only one.

I lay in my hospital bed sadly, thinking about how I persuaded my mother to say his kindness in front of her when she strongly opposed our being together. Recalling that I quietly submitted my resume and went to a company near his hometown to find a job, I was going to surprise him. Recalling that I have identified him all my life in my mind, I fantasized about marrying him and sketching out his future. The saddest thing about a relationship is that the other person has decided to break up with you, and you haven't thought of a good reason yet, and you are still planning the next step for two people. What is more sad, however, is that before you found out this fact, you were still upset and thought you didn't cherish it better. I began to laugh at myself. I began to hate his ruthlessness, my stupidity and my disappointment. I still miss him.

After leaving the hospital, I gave myself a month's leave and began to play around. Forget all the pain with travel and adjust your mentality. I understand that love will only make you red first, then red eyes. Don't cling to the past, don't let go, you can't leave what you should go, but what belongs to you will always be yours. Slowly, I no longer care, miss him, heartache. I cut off my long hair and start over.

It's been almost two years since we broke up, and I almost forgot his appearance and our past. Just a few days ago, I suddenly received a letter from him. He asked me if I was doing well now. He said he succeeded, he was wrong and he regretted it. He said he still loved me the most. In the past two years, he still misses me and wants to go back to the beginning with me.

No matter how the broken mirror is pasted, there will still be traces, and the broken heart will still be bumped. Movies can be played backwards, but missed love can't be repeated. It's not your fault to be apart, it's my fault. Thank you for coming to my world and giving me tenderness and beauty. Thank you for finally coming out of my world and giving me pain and growth. Now, I just want to have no intersection with you quietly.