Seeking the Full Text of the Universe

Nine words, I thought all my life to make this sentence. "Actually" means it's a secret; "Harmony" means an ambiguous existence; "Brother" is my brother's name and relative, but it smells like gossip when put here. Since I was a child, I have been thinking about how to express this secret in the simplest, most accurate and most serious way if I have the opportunity to talk to others one day. Finally, I think the above sentence is the best. But I didn't get a chance to say it after all.

No, I said it twice. The first time I told my adolescent girlfriend, I took a deep breath, and then I took a deep breath and trembled to say the nine words that made my heart tremble. But because of my nervousness, I put a good sentence in a mess: in fact, I still have, have, a brother. The friend laughed his head off: "What do you mean, is he the illegitimate child of your father or the fruit of your mother's affair?" This vulgar association suddenly made me lose interest in describing all the facts.

The second time, I said I gave it to Kaizhe. I didn't know at that time that he would be my fiance. I have a splitting headache and feel my body floating above the bed. I don't know why there is still a tear in the corner of my eye, and my thoughts have become soft and rippling. I said, "Actually, I have a brother. I can introduce you to him. He will come, he will come when I fall asleep. " Qi Zhe touched my face bit by bit. He said softly and firmly, "Zhen Zhen, you are drunk."

( 1)

The crazy old man named Nietzsche said that when I stared at the bottomless pit, the bottomless pit looked back at me. In fact, between me and my brother, it's probably the same thing. He didn't want me to mention him to anyone, and even let out cruel words. If I take someone I know to see him, he will disappear immediately and never let me find him again. He always makes such childish malicious remarks, so I have to cooperate with him and pretend to be threatened by his malicious remarks. As time goes on, acting skills become more and more realistic. I can't help it Men are all children. This is what my mother told me seriously when I was fourteen years old.

Usually in the evening, my brother will come to my house. My house is located in the middle of our northern city, a small apartment with 2 1 floor. It's simple, but living alone is enough. When Kaizhe spends the night, his brother won't come. I don't need to call him to tell him that today is inconvenient, and I don't need him to send a message asking if I can come over-we have a tacit understanding, we will never make mistakes, and we don't need boring things like communication means. There are always a few bottles of frozen Yanjing Chunsheng in my refrigerator, and there is always a packet of unopened red Marlboro on my coffee table-these are not Kaizhe's hobbies. Sometimes when my younger brother comes, I will go downstairs to those snack bars that open at two in the morning to buy snacks and snacks. I'm not sure if he knows. I'm looking forward to him.

He sat on the floor in the corner of my living room with his back to me. The only light left in the corridor just came from the side and turned his back into a clear shadow. Holding an empty beer can, he said flatly, "Today, another patient died in your place. I saw it when I passed by. "

I replied, "Yes."

"Didn't you put him to death?" He has a bad smile. He always thinks his low-level jokes are humor.

After a moment's hesitation, I finally said to him, "Have you ever thought about going home with me to meet my parents one day?" Just hide and sneak a look. "

He seemed to be choking on beer and smiled and said, "They are your parents. What does it have to do with me? "

"You can't say that." I know my voice is weak. I want to say "actually, they miss you very much", but that's not true. My parents almost forget him, and only occasionally mention him on very special occasions. For example, my mother was chatting with others at the poker table, and the licensee told me that her daughter-in-law had a miscarriage. My mother would say, "Oh, what a sin! It would be a pain-I was pregnant with a son before I conceived Jane, and I miscarried almost four months ago-that almost killed me. " -My brother will be remembered on this occasion.

I once asked my brother what prevented him from coming into this world. He said contemptuously, "I don't want to come because I don't want to."

At that moment, the phone rang. It's Cage. Kaizhe said, "Are you asleep? I rang so many times before answering the phone. " He smiled. "I'm downstairs. I am coming up. "

When I put down the phone, my brother had already left.

(2)

My brother always comes to see me at night. I met him for the first time, probably in kindergarten. At that time, my brother was a child like me. There are also children's short stature and immature voices. I can't see his face clearly because he appears at night. I forgot whether he introduced himself. In short, I have known who he is since I can remember. I knew it. He always sits on the windowsill of my small room, and I can only see his naughty wobbly legs from the crib. So I climbed out of the quilt and warmly invited him to share my snacks and picture books hidden under the bed. He doesn't talk much. Most of the time, he listens to me chat. I discussed with him how many things the Monkey King's seventy-two changes included-I have learned to count from one to one hundred, and the Monkey King will become a flower, a tree, a pig and A Niu Wang Mo-but why do I feel that the countdown seems endless? I looked at the outline of my brother in the dark with a puzzled face: "Is it one hundred or seventy-two?" He raised his cheek and, like me, found the question really nerve-racking.

The light in the adult room next door is on. My brother waved to me gently, then opened the window and disappeared into the thick night-when we were young, the city where we used to live didn't have those neon lights.

Then I cried with a "wow". In fact, I didn't want to cry, but there were too many questions in my heart. For example, why can't I jump from such a high place like my brother and not die? For example, whether my brother lives on the moon, can he take me to the moon? For example, we haven't arranged when my brother will come again next time-when these things are scrambling to invade my brain, I have no other way to express my anxiety except crying.

Mom picked me up and patted me on the back: "Mom knows, it's a dream-"Grandma looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Did you see anything? The little child's eyes are very clean. " Mother smiled silently, expressing helplessness to the superstitious remarks of the old lady from the countryside.

In a blink of an eye, twenty years have passed.

At the age of eleven, some girls in the class began to ask for leave from the PE teacher for no reason. At that time, my brother's voice became unusually thick. Once he asked me to reach out and touch the building blocks protruding from his neck. When I was fifteen, I told my brother endlessly about the movie star I secretly loved and the boy in the next class. He snorted softly from his nose to show his ridicule. In the summer when I was eighteen, I was admitted to medical school, and I also experienced the first unforgettable lovelorn in my life. On a sunny summer night in the north, my brother came in through the window. After all these years together, he hugged me tightly for the first time. My brother's chest is very cold, but it is not the kind of cold without signs of life. I asked him with tears: "Why did the person who loved me so much say goodbye to me when he was still alive?" He may be dead. If such a farewell was caused by natural forces, I wouldn't be so sad when I think of him. "My brother said he didn't understand this. He didn't have our greed and ignorance in his heart, but he and I will never say goodbye. I also firmly believe that.

Brother has no body in the strict sense, no name, no evidence, no life, and of course he will not be disillusioned and invisible. It's comforting to think like this.

22 years old, went to Scotland as an exchange student for half a year. The coast, rocks and endless loneliness of that place let me know that all vitality comes from poverty. At midnight, I was lying in my dormitory listening to a talk show on the radio. One day, I called the program-I was completely bored at first, but I didn't expect to get through-and I ignored that there were very few Scots, I mean, compared with the city where I grew up. I don't know what drove me to tell the host about my brother-yes, I told all the stories completely, from my mother's miscarriage to childhood. Up to now, I said that my mother really gave birth to my brother smoothly, so it is absolutely impossible to give birth to me in June the following year-where will I live in the future? Perhaps it is the loneliness in a foreign land that makes me feel that nothing is private, or it may be because speaking in another language is like talking about other people's business.

The host said, is it because you already know about your brother's existence-he used the past tense-that it left a shadow on your childhood, so you always have the illusion that your brother will come back to see you? If your brother is born smoothly, you can't exist. Do you think you stole other people's lives and tried to make you feel some kind of fear of your own existence? His tone is gentle, but there is no doubt about it. So I hung up the phone and found myself stupid in frustration. I shouldn't talk about my brother at all. I shouldn't try to make people understand it at all, no matter what language the audience speaks, no matter what they think I'm telling an illusion. This is disgusting.

Later, my brother came. He appeared in the fireplace of an old house in Scotland and made a strange gesture. He smiled gently: "You are doing something stupid." As I said, my brother has no life in the strict sense, so neither time nor space can bind him. He can be everywhere and live in several times at the same time. Just like now-he speaks in the voice of a man in his twenties, but he bends down and playfully holds his six-year-old knee, mocking him like a 14-year-old adolescent. The lingering smile is clearly the vicissitudes of his fifties. I happily reached deep into my arm and pulled him out of the fireplace. It doesn't matter what evidence we have. We can always get together when the world can't see us.

(3)

On weekends, Kaizhe and I went shopping and then took my parents out for dinner. We chose a new mobile phone for dad and bought a cashmere sweater for mom. Mom and dad are sitting leisurely in the newly opened Hunan restaurant, and the green tea in the white porcelain cup reflects the scattered lights. They are discussing with Kaizhe whether next year will be National Day or Spring Festival. I will go back to his hometown with Kaizhe to meet his parents-it is a city far away from us. "It's too difficult to get together during the holidays, and I don't know when to be on duty. You tell your parents, sorry, little doctors who just started working are like this, and they will be fine in a few years. " Dad looked at Cage and sounded like he was apologizing for me.

This is called happiness. Everyone is content with the status quo. I know I should cherish and appreciate everything. Another dish came up, and colorful tables were left behind. Why not say "thank you"? Kaizhe scooped a spoonful of chestnuts for me and said, "It's delicious."

Mom is used to feeling the time again. She said, "Suddenly, my daughter is so old." Then he smiled at QiZhe. "In fact, it was only a little bit, and you couldn't reach it."

"Yes, just a little. We may just sit here today and entertain our daughter-in-law. " Dad smiled, too

"Thank God." I said, "It's a good thing you gave birth to me. Otherwise, mom, what a wicked mother-in-law you should be. "

"I would have preferred a daughter." Mom refuses to accept it.

"Of course you say so." Dad leaned back in his chair and looked at Kaizhe. "It was his fault that our boy was gone, so she had to emphasize that she liked her daughter better."

"What do you mean it's all my fault?" Mother's eyes stare like a little girl.

"In fact, it was because we were too young at that time, just like you are now." Dad smiled at Kaizhe and pointed to his mother with chopsticks. "We quarreled, and she ran into the street with me in a rage. It rained, and it was a thunderstorm. At that time, in summer, the weather changed. Then I had a high fever and went to the hospital for an intravenous drip. I don't know how much penicillin I lost, so the doctor said, just to be on the safe side, let's give up the baby ... "

"It's not your fault," snapped Mom. "Isn't it immoral for you to quarrel with pregnant women?"

I didn't hear the conversation behind me, but there was a strange and persistent buzz in my ear, and my mind seemed to be a blank like snow. A heart is sinking, sinking It is strange that my height of 1.68 meters can accommodate an endless abyss. All along, they told me that I had to give up my brother because my mother was ill and took medicine. I never knew there were young men and women behind this. Such a trivial and ridiculous thing, something they can now remember as a good memory of their youth, but it is these things that make my brother lose the opportunity to be himself. You should not forget your brother. How can you forget him? How can you talk about him so lightly? It's like telling jokes.

"Hey, is the soup bad?" Mom finally noticed me.

"No, I didn't." I held my breath and drank it all at once. Spicy. I feel a pair of sad eyes on my back, staring at me slowly, like a handful of white crystal snow melting slowly on my back. So I knew my brother was coming. He heard everything.

When we were leaving the restaurant, I saw my brother in the parking lot. He hid in a dimly lit place, far away from Kaizhe's car. He sat quietly in the shadow of a black Toyota with his head down like a child. While Kaizhe was holding the key, I avoided the sight of my parents and approached him. I don't know what to say to him. I can only reach out my right hand and gently cover his twitching back.

"You go." His voice is gloomy. "I just look at them and see how you are with them." Just look at your eyes. "

"Didn't you say there was no greed and ignorance?" I paused and said, "I'm sorry."

"Between you and me, don't say this." He smiled softly.

"Zhen Zhen-"not far away came the voice of Kaizhe. "What are you doing there alone? Get in the car. We're leaving. "

I was startled by the sudden sound and raised my face in surprise. Kaizhe waved to me from a distance, and his face was slightly impatient. The empty parking lot turned into this dark gray-green color.

(4)

It was another night shift. When I returned to my humble abode in 2 1 building, I stepped on the pale morning light.

Kaizhe is sitting on a small sofa waiting for me. I don't know how long I have been sitting there. When he heard me come in, he didn't look back at me, but kept staring at my mobile phone on the coffee table at home.

"You're here?" Fatigue obviously slowed my brain down.

"Zhen Zhen, are you hiding something from me?" His raindrops sound gentle.

I didn't answer. I am in a daze. I really don't know what he means.

"KaiZhe, if you have anything to say, just say it. I haven't slept for almost 30 hours, and now is not the time to quarrel. " I can't help it

He rushed into the kitchen and came back without saying a word with a huge black plastic bag in his hand. Shake it out in front of me, and a dozen "Yanjing Chunsheng" cans jingled on the ground, just like some kind of percussion instrument.

"Don't tell me these are all your own drinks. I will faint after drinking half a cup. " His face was livid and he was breathing more and more rapidly. Then he grabbed the cigarette case on the table: "When I came the day before yesterday, this box was full, and there are only a few left today …" He took a deep breath. "Zhen Zhen, I don't want to argue with you either. You tell me who that person is. "

"No one." I stared at the metal can on the ground with difficulty. "You are not the only one who knows that I live here. I have so many former classmates and friends, but you are too sensitive. " 、

He stared at me for a few seconds, then gave me a sneer. Picked up my mobile phone and waved it in front of my eyes: "See for yourself. You must call every two or three days. Whose cell phone is that? If I hadn't accidentally seen you leave your mobile phone at home ... "

"What qualifications do you have to peek at my mobile phone!" I like being lit.

"What qualifications do you have to say' qualifications' to me?" He gripped my wrist tightly and became more and more excited. "Say, who is that man? Say, you have long been wrong. Even if you have dinner with your parents, you will find a chance to slip away in the parking lot-will you call him? So eager to cheat? Those are your own parents, will you be too shameless! "

There was a loud bang in my head, so I couldn't hear all the voices. When Kaizhe rudely pushed me to the ground, I knew that my posture was ugly. I know I'm slowly retreating. When I stood at the door, I said, "You're right, I have another man. Do whatever you want. I return the ring to you, and you will be blind ... "

When he was incredibly stunned, it was called running for the door. I ran out of the apartment building, out of the community, out of the street, running with the rising sun all the way, thinking I was chasing the sun. Tears slide wildly in the cold air like a body. The frequently dialed telephone number belongs to the psychologist. That is my most shameful privacy. Why can a Sun Man get it so easily in broad daylight-just because he wants to marry me? Brother, I can't prove your existence to anyone. I can't explain your existence to anyone. I went to see a psychiatrist because-I often suspect that you are an illusion myself. You are my illusion. Forgive me for treating you as my illness, brother, you must forgive me.

(5)

I was exhausted and curled up on the sofa in the living room. My brother smiled cunningly and sat on the floor opposite me as usual.

"Are you happy that I can't get married?" I build a mat every seven times and throw it at him.

"You can find something better. What are you afraid of?" He doesn't care.

In fact, my machine is very depressed, where is a "can't get married" can be summarized. The plot in the middle resembles a soap opera, not to mention, for example, Kaizhe's sadness and resentment, for example, my parents' disbelief, for example, they met me three times, and I kept my mouth shut. I think this is the first time in my life that my parents are ashamed of me. Well, life is too short to experience anything.

After a long silence, my brother suddenly said, "You can't bear to part with that person."

"So what, tell him the truth? I lied, and he thought I was cheating; To be honest, he thinks I'm crazy. Is it miserable? "

"I got you into trouble." My brother said quietly and shook his head.

"You said, between you and me, don't say such things." I am sad from it, "I have a dream since I was a child." If one day, I can meet a man who can believe everything I say, even if he can see that you like me, I will marry him without saying anything. "

"I won't come again." After a moment of silence, he suddenly made a surprise. "I thought such a meeting wouldn't bother anyone, but now it turns out that this is not the case." This is my fault. I shouldn't violate the laws of nature. "

"Fuck the laws of nature, I don't care." I said testily.

"You are a lady, you can't swear." He raised his eyebrows. "I mean, I won't come so often in the future. I will come occasionally, on the treetops, on the telephone poles, living on the clouds, waving to you, and you will see me. "

"Let's go," I stood up, shook my head and made a threatening gesture. "I'm going to see grandma. Would you like to go with me? Mom said that when she miscarried, the saddest person was grandma. "

His eyes were warmer than ever, and he said, "All right."

Grandma lives in the suburbs. Looking out of the window, there is a large rape field. Very bright green, grandma is sitting in the yard of the old house. The chair is old, just like her eyes, old but warm. Now grandma often sits in the yard like this, comfortable as staring at the slow peristalsis of time.

She no longer knows her father, her mother, and occasionally, she will know me.

"Grandma-"I called her happily.

"What time is it now?" Grandma smiled at me, but it was just a courtesy.

"Half past three." I told her.

"That's still early." She seems to say to herself, "Wait another half hour, I'm going to pick up Pearl Krabs from school-"

"Are you in primary school?" I dragged my throat on purpose "Then who am I?"

"You are Pearl Krabs." Grandma said indifferently: "You are big Pearl Krabs, and big Pearl Krabs has grown up and is getting married;" But Pearl Krabs Jr. is only six years old. Of course, there must be an adult to pick her up after school. Otherwise, what should I do if I meet a bad person? "

"Yes, that's right." I looked at her wrinkled and confident face and felt warm in my heart. "Grandma, do you remember that I am getting married soon?" I think my father didn't tell her "bad news" about me, or he did, but she didn't remember.

"Of course I remember. You want to marry him, right? " Grandma stretched out her index finger and pointed to her silent brother standing in the shade. "Well, that young man looks very energetic."

"Grandma, he is not the one who wants to marry me, he is-"My brother shook his head gently at me, putting his forefinger on his lips.

"Did you see it?" I stood up from my grandmother, ran to grab his arm and shook it. "Look, can you believe it? I'm not the only one who can see you, so can grandma! Brother-"I paused. "Will you also cry?"

"I'm leaving." He looked at me deeply and said solemnly, "I shouldn't-I shouldn't appear in front of you as I am, I mean, in a concrete way." Just, I miss you. "

"I don't care what kind of infatuation you have, even if it is dark and opaque around you, you can also be a part of the darkness. Come back to see me often, will you? "

"Hey, remember, I'm everywhere."

"Will you get old?"

"I am old." He smiled sadly.

This time my brother's disappearance is slightly different from the past. I seem to feel a weak but strong wind around me. In the sunshine all over the sky, I close my eyes, and the vortex of the surrounding air is deeply involved in my body, echoing the lonely roar in the endless abyss in my body. So I know I will never see my brother again, even for a long time, but I also know that we are one, and my brother is everywhere.

Open your eyes, the world is still as quiet as ever, or there are crimes in any corner, but the sky is boundless. I went back to grandma's chair and felt extremely calm and safe. When I was six years old, I would wait quietly with my grandmother until four o'clock to pick me up from school.

(6)

I am life and death, and you are reincarnation; I am the world of mortals, and you are vanity; I am an insignificant point used to mark the years, and you are the infinity that contains all the bits and pieces of the vicissitudes of life; I am karma, you are practice; I am a person who longs to be a god, and you are an immortal god; I am a prisoner of this moment, and you are the shepherd of "eternal" vilen; I can't leave the body of this situation. You are a part of heaven and earth; I am the most affectionate smile and cry, you are the silent snow line on the top of the mountain; I am a ray of sunshine shining on the smiling dust, and you are embracing the darkness of everything; I forgive all trivial malice, and you are responsible for criticizing all evil thoughts you don't know; I am a colorful fantasy, and you are a lighthouse that illuminates the sea surface of Wan Li unwilling to be lonely; I think my life is too short and you think your freedom is too long. I am your Conan dream, and you are my inevitable destination.

One life two, two lives three, three lives everything.

You gave birth to me and I gave birth to you. We are one, the universe and eternity.

-"the most novel"