A pessimist's self-report

I am an ordinary person with inferiority complex. I have a little expectation for life, but can people like me really have it?

What I didn't expect was that my life was full of jokes. The first setback was the domestic violence and poverty in my childhood, which made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life. I remember after a domestic violence, I curled up in the cupboard with a pair of scissors bigger than my own slap, crying and carving my grievances on the cupboard. This may be a child's unique childish behavior. When I picked up the scissors and pointed the sharp side at my navel, the scene of Japanese suicide in the anti-Japanese drama flashed in my mind. How painful it would be if they died so painfully! How embarrassing? ,? But compared with the despair at that time, it seems nothing, but leaving like this will leave regret. I still have a lot of things I want to do, so I slowly compromised, and then a terrible idea suddenly appeared in my mind, that is revenge. Ironically, I was only seven years old at that time. In fact, these are nothing, just the past. I believe the world is beautiful and warm, but people who like me can't express my love, I can't love myself, and I don't know what it's like to love someone, so no one has ever loved me. Seriously, I really expect someone to accompany me all the time and live an ordinary and fulfilling life, but I don't deserve it. I don't even know how to love others when I love myself. That's great.