A selection of funny jokes

Duanzi culture has developed rapidly in the information age. In buses and subways, you will find many people watching jokes on their mobile phones. The following is a funny and humorous paragraph I compiled for you for your reference!

A selection of humorous jokes.

prevent

In view of the recent situation, I have spent all my money in advance in order to avoid spending money indiscriminately.

idol

Years later, my daughter asked me: Dad, who was your former idol?

I didn't speak, just pointed at Aragaki Yui's photo.

I saw my daughter unhappy and said, Dad, you're lying. This is obviously mom! ?

? Dead house is disgusting.

mark

I found that when I was a child, I was very smart. I always hand in blank papers in every exam. Anyway, the blank paper teacher can't type? Score 0 directly, and then wait for the curly hair to come down and find a classmate with 90 points to copy the paper, and add a 9 in front of it, and it's done. When I was a child, I got good grades in school, and my mother praised me.

truth

Wipe the LCD screen, adjust the brightness, adjust the sitting position, and put the seat down.

Finally, I have to admit that my eyesight has TM decreased again.

principle

It is said that people need to touch 42 facial muscles when frowning, but only need 17 when smiling.

This tells us that in the face of life, it is more labor-saving to be in a daze.

be picky

I quarreled with my wife over trifles. I yelled: I have put up with you for five years! ?

The wife snapped:? What do you want?

I said in a low voice, I can stand it for decades. ?

order dishes

I went to a restaurant for dinner two days ago, and I ordered more. I said to the waiter: Do you see if Sanxian has done it? Don't do it, don't do it. ?

The waiter said, ok, I'll see if it's ready. ?

Then she took the earphone: did you make the three delicacies at table 23? Ok, got it. ? Put down your headphones and tell us:? Sorry, it's already done. I can't return it. ?

We agreed, then we won't return it.

After a while, the waiter came back: you didn't order three delicacies. ?

seek

? This year's Singles Day will definitely be the last Singles Day in my life! ?

? Do you want to kill yourself?

retribution

I have been addicted to computers and mobile phones all day, and now my karma is coming. I can't see if the short skirt OL I'm sitting on is gone five meters away.

have a meal

I rested on the weekend, slept all day, and got up at night and said, Mom, I haven't eaten all day. ?

Mom:? Did you eat too much yesterday?

I said:? I haven't eaten all day! ?

Mom:? Oh, then remember to eat tomorrow. ?

fruit

? Boss, is this fruit fresh?

? Fresh. ?

? Want to buy it for my wife, without pesticides?

? I didn't call. Call yourself at home! ?

rich joke

threaten

The FBI announced that it would maintain its previous investigation conclusion on Hillary's mail door and did not recommend suing Hillary.

Netizens can't help feeling:? This is the significance of the FBI warning. No wonder I've seen it thousands of times. ?

* * * Sex

Spider-Man wasn't the only one who got sticky after using the net.

If you know what I'm talking about.

news

20 16 US election, Trump won, and Global Times published "Billionaires in the White House, Money Politics Destroys Democracy".

20 16 in the American general election, Hillary won, and the Global Times published "The Clintons took turns to govern American-style fake democracy".

reality

I always thought:? If I am disconnected from the Internet, I will definitely spend all my time studying, and my efficiency will be doubled. ?

As a result, the network was really disconnected today, but I spent all my time desperately repairing the network.

true love

Love is when you lie on the sofa playing with your mobile phone and fall asleep. I not only cover you with a blanket, put a glass of water on the coffee table, but also charge your mobile phone.

give rise to

Q: What does Tetris tell you?

A: If you get used to it, you will disappear.

check

Outside the school gate, he begged the doorman: Ah, I lost my ID card. Please let me into the examination room! I don't want to miss this opportunity! ?

The doorman said coldly: No, rules are rules. You can't enter without an ID card. ? He suddenly collapsed to the ground and burst into tears.

So, all the students in his examination room completed the first exam without the invigilator.

funeral

I went to the funeral of my good friend's father, and got up in the morning to catch appendicitis, and my stomach ached badly.

But thinking of his father's kindness to me on weekdays, he couldn't help leaving and stopped a taxi on the side of the road.

The driver looked at my state and quickly asked: Where are you going?

I said:? Go to the funeral home. ?

Driver:? Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital again?

help

Dad was recently stolen 8,000 yuan. With the help of the police, he finally accepted the reality.

Humorous and interesting paragraph recommendation

assassinate

Trump was assassinated! Abdominal landing!

Chuan' ao powder

situation

The results of the American election were released, Trump finally won, and the real estate tycoon moved into the White House. How will he face world peace and development, and where will Sino-US relations go?

China and the United States have different core interests in the South China Sea. Can conflicts be avoided?

How will he expand the influence of the United States on the DPRK nuclear issue, Taiwan Province Province issue and other situations?

When the United States faces the challenge of hard-line Muslims overseas, what is his consideration?

To find out, I stopped a Beijing taxi.

attach importance to

After the US election, netizens in China attached great importance to it and started the emergency plan as soon as possible. They set up US election steering groups in various WeChat groups to quickly deploy and implement various emergency measures, and some even sent working groups to the scene to direct rescue and relief work, expressing cordial condolences and best wishes to the American people. At present, the American people are in a stable mood and have begun post-disaster reconstruction.

Dress yourself up as

To be honest, many houses have watched cartoons for so many years, and they haven't learned how to dress up the boys in other people's cartoons.

To tell the truth, many houses have watched cartoons for so many years, and only learned the dress of girls in other people's cartoons.

The rebels

In primary school, I fought with my classmates, and the teacher only criticized me.

I refuse to accept it. In a rage, I ran to the parking lot and pulled out the valve core of the teacher's bicycle.

Looking back, I looked into the teacher's eyes.

He said excitedly, boy, you hit my son yesterday and now you pull my valve?

Enthusiastic

My company's female colleague, tall and burly, visually 150 kg, is still single.

I care about her, take care of her, buy snacks and give gifts, and even often buy some ingredients to eat at her house.

Until one day, she suddenly took the initiative to invite me to her house and gently told me that her sister had moved away because it was inconvenient, and she was alone at home.

I secretly sneer, damn it, your beautiful sister has moved away, why should I go to your house?

lazy

My girlfriend hasn't cooked, washed or done housework recently. I said, how did you become so lazy?

She gave me a white look and said, I am a snake. I'm glad I didn't hibernate! ?