There is no shortage of noise in this era, and listening is the most rare!

How hard does it sound?

Even myself, many friends, colleagues and even family members around me are not good listeners. They are eager to express themselves and can't help interrupting others, but they can't hear what others are saying.

I have two friends, just two extremes. A friend is good at listening, and a friend is good at interrupting, especially forcibly interrupting what others are saying. Obviously, I especially like chatting with my first friend, which is very relaxing. Over time, I also learned to listen to others consciously, because I have experienced the wonderful feeling of being listened to.

But my second friend, I hate talking to her. Why?

Let me give you an example. Once I had something important to ask this friend, so I called her on my own initiative. As soon as I got through, I just said a few words and was about to get down to business. This is very puzzling. It seems that she finally caught someone who can listen to her and began to talk about her parents' shortcomings, her unhappy life and her dissatisfied job. I tried to interrupt her several times in the middle and get back to the point.

I am speechless. Usually she will talk for at least ten minutes at the moment, completely ignoring that I have something important to ask on the other end of the phone, and I am not in the mood to listen to her nagging so much nonsense.

Often in the end, she said everything she wanted to say, and then she remembered that I had something to ask her, and then she said, hey, what did you ask me just now?

Whenever this time, I am really angry, spit out an old blood, and have no interest in saying anything. Over time, I don't want to contact this friend, and I feel very tired. It's not that I don't want to be a listener, but that people who just talk and don't listen under any circumstances are always annoying.

02

Kazuo Kawa, a famous Japanese psychologist, has been engaged in professional psychological analysis and treatment for many years and is a very good listener. His friend Haruki Murakami used this as an example to say:

1994 In the spring, the two met for the first time in Princeton. Kazuo's dull, bottomless eyes left a deep impression on Murakami, as if those eyes could see through your heart at a glance. During the whole meeting, Mr. Hehe hardly took the initiative to speak, but quietly listened to a person in the village, and he was thinking deeply about something.

But when we met again the next day, Hehe seemed to be a completely different person. He not only responded positively with a smile, but also talked with Kan Kan. He is also "telling jokes like a barrage, and his expression suddenly becomes clear." Even the eyes have become different from what Murakami saw the day before, "as bright and crystal clear as a child's eyes."

What makes a person change so dramatically overnight? Haruki Murakami later suddenly realized that Mr. Hehe's first look was "gloomy", but it was actually "bottomless" because he was too focused on listening to himself and deliberately kept the listener away. But Mr. Happy has just revealed his most authentic and natural appearance, and he can say whatever he thinks, so even simple chatting is very lively and interesting.

03

Many times, as a listener, he does not interrupt or ask questions, but listens meticulously, allowing the speaker to express himself completely and say "yes" at an appropriate time, which can play a great role in psychotherapy for the listener.

Psychologist Li Songwei talked about such a case in Zhihu:

In the ward.

The patient holds your hand: "I'm dying, and they won't tell me, but I know I can't cure this disease." 」

You can't help but want to say, "forget it, it's not like that." 」

But you can't say this sentence, or he will have to sigh and swallow the rest.

The patient struggled to open his muddy eyes and looked at you: "This disease is incurable. You know that, right? 」

You can't help but want to say, "No! You can rest easy for illness, and we are still waiting to go out with you. 」

But you can't say this sentence, or he will have to sigh and swallow the rest.

You are trying to prove that he still has hope: "Is there such an example?" Even this situation can be saved? Even if there is only a one percent chance ... don't be pessimistic, cheer up. 」

But all the words to comfort him didn't sit there quietly and let him talk, which was helpful to him.

But it is the most difficult thing to sit there quietly, let him talk, and listen to his deep helplessness and despair about life. He can't resist. If you don't resist, you are suffering from the despair of life.

In this era, learning to express yourself has become a compulsory course to enter the society, but learning to listen is not taught. Perhaps what we are better at now is how to express ourselves perfectly in various occasions. We always talk too much, but we can't learn to shut up and listen quietly in appropriate occasions. In fact, expression is as important as listening, even more important. silence is golden.

04

Dr. Paul Sacco, an assistant professor at the School of Social Work of the University of Maryland, recently summed up some qualities that a good listener should possess. See how much you have.

1. Understood. Effective listening needs to understand the difficult situation of the confidante, make him feel sincere and promote the establishment of spiritual connection.

2. Be aware of your limitations. Even the best listener can only partially respond. Try to understand him and don't dwell on things beyond your ability.

3. Open-minded. A good listener will not deliberately avoid criticism, but will actively put forward constructive suggestions.

4. Ask key questions. Active listening does not depend entirely on the ear, but also needs to ask key questions at the right time to deepen understanding.

5. Can control bad emotions. Listening is inevitably influenced by the negative emotions of the other party. A good listener can control his emotions in time and grasp the core issues.

The world is noisy enough, and everyone is expressing freely. It is not unusual to learn to express, but learning to listen is the most rare soothing effect.

Really, don't believe me, you try!