45 classic funny quotes that will make you laugh so hard

1. Life is like a pancake, you have to turn it over enough times to mature.

2. As a monster, my wish is to destroy at least one Ultraman

3. In the morning, I chased a bus to the terminal.

4. You can’t be eaten as food, but I feel full when I see you.

5. Being shameless, if done well, is called a strong psychological quality.

6. I am my son’s passport, and my son is my epitaph.

7. I only have eyes for you. Um...it turns out I'm just an eye peeper.

8. Tea is really pitiful. When someone is making tea, you praise it, but after making it, you are ruthlessly thrown away.

9. When you have no money, you have a group of friends; when you have money, you have a group of bodyguards...

10. What breaks an egg from the outside is food, but what breaks from the inside is life< /p>

11. Others vomit truth after drinking, but I only vomit food after drinking.

12. Go to the supermarket to eat before the end, preferably until you are exhausted.

13. Metal detectors are not only used for security checks, some people use them to pick up garbage.

14. What should we do if the world ends? suicide. Why? Go down and grab a seat first

15. My crush changed his hairstyle yesterday, and I suddenly felt like I had a change of heart.

16. How many people’s reputations have been ruined by so-called good friends.

17. A good girlfriend can save 200G of hard drive on your computer.

18. Sun Wukong is too fickle, so he is destined to be single.

19. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. You have to pay back the money you owe.

20. People want to lose weight, reduce waist and butt, why do you have to start with brain cells.

21. I asked God: How to be happy and forget about sad things at the same time. God replied: drive yourself crazy.

22. When you think the person you like also likes you, it is usually because you are overthinking it.

23. Since buying insurance, I don’t even look at the traffic lights when walking.

24. China Mobile and China Unicom are husband and wife. I gave birth to a baby called China Telecom!

25. All the dinosaurs died in the last apocalypse; so I am very worried about you this time

26. They say that if you have a crew cut, you will be proud for a lifetime, so is it smart to have a pig head cut? A generation?

27. One smile will make you less than ten years old, and another smile will make wrinkles appear.

28. How many people in the world owe you money, making you look like you are dead and buried every day?

29. Three laws of the workplace: Either endure it! Either be cruel! Or get out!

30. Friendship is like a vase, it will break when someone messes with it.

31. I connected all the memories into a movie, and a tragedy was produced

32. The Smurf sang to Avatar: "When I grow up, I will become you".

33. Either you don’t work seriously, or you don’t work seriously.

34. Dreams cannot be measured in money, otherwise your dreams will depreciate.

35. This book is very, very beautiful, so I have been reluctant to read it.

36. The ideal man in a woman’s mind is actually: a man who cares about everything, but a man who cares about nothing.

37. Disease enters through the mouth and disaster comes out of the mouth, so it is safest to shut up!

38. Although I will not die if I admit defeat, I will not admit defeat even if I die.

39. Life, old age, illness and death must be: live well, age slowly, get sick late, and die quickly.

40. You, a thick-skinned person, actually treat others badly.

41. Family affairs, national affairs, and world affairs. Having no money to eat is a big deal!

42. I am a human being and you are not me, so you are not a human being.

43. There are four human states: busy, very busy, very busy, and calm.

44. Why do I feel sleepy when I read a book? Because books are where dreams begin

45. When money stands up and speaks, all truth goes to sleep. 45 Classic Funny Quotations - Funny Quotations

When I was a child, people selling popsicles and ice cream would usually push bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt in the house shouting: The new ice cream is hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks

One day I went to a classmate’s house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. She originally wanted to call her uncle, but it turned out that she was wrong.

Said: "Dad, come sit down!"~~Han! A lot of classmates were laughing so hard. Space Diary

Once at a ktv, I asked for a song, and a girl shouted: Order a song for me. "Double Jaylen"

In the past, when the exam teacher handed out papers, the girl behind him took an extra sheet and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." As a result, the boy sitting next to him said, "Yes. Mine, it's mine." The whole class was shocked~~~ I can't help it, who told me that I like to be lazy at work?

My friend's child is half a year old. I called to care about it. After a few words of greeting, Here comes a sentence: Should your child take human milk or your milk?

One evening, I met an acquaintance and said: "Morning"

In the evening, one day The roommate came into the room and announced loudly: "Today I'm watching the midnight version of The Ring!"

Due to a business trip opportunity, I had to go to the Bank of China somewhere to repair equipment. After getting out of the hotel and getting into a taxi, I said The female driver said: "Go to the Bank of China and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Sigh! I meant to buy a screwdriver at that time. I didn't notice that I said it wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me very aggrieved. He said, "Brother, I have to get off work. You can take a taxi again." I was very angry at that time and said viciously: "Why are you parking your car at the hotel when you get off work?" The female driver looked at me and was about to collapse. He said, "Brother, I don't want to pay for the car anymore. You can find another one." Then I realized that I was wrong, and I quickly explained for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver. < /p>

A politics teacher once said during a lecture: "Let me give you an example." Then he felt something was wrong and said again: "Let me give you an example."

When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked the translator Who is this man? A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed, and the teacher was speechless.

During the politics class, the topic of Sino-Japanese political issues came up, and the teacher introduced it. Said: "Japanese samurai all had caesarean sections before they died~~~"

When I was in college, a classmate of mine just bought a mobile phone and applied for a mobile card. He called the 1860 service station to ask, and he was so excited: May I know your address? The receptionist said politely on the speakerphone: "My husband was very thin." When he got anxious, he said, "Honey, you're as skinny as a pig!"

The original text of the broadcast: Two gangsters injured me and a 110 police officer fled. The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded me a hundred. Ten police officers fled later.

(The reincarnation of Huang Feihong!)

When one of our colleagues went to take the driving license test, he said a classic saying to the examiner: Report the instrument, the examiner is normal

I remember one time, with a My sisters went to KFC, and while we were waiting in line, I heard her mumbling something like, "A chicken drumstick burger, a pair of chicken wings..." Finally it was her turn, and she made everyone laugh as soon as she opened her mouth. She wanted to say " "Miss, let's have a chicken drumstick burger", but when the words came out of my mouth, it turned out to be "shank, let's have a hamburger". Uncle, you are so trendy!

She told me about KFC’s new “bone and bone” (meat skewers with crispy bones) and asked me to take her to eat it. It was extremely hot in Beijing in those days, and I was groggy when I arrived at the restaurant.

I said to the smiling KFC lady: Please give me two "bloody" pieces, thank you! ........ Shameless_!

A boy saw his uncle and said, "Buy uncle, two dishes!" The uncle said, "This kid is such a big talker, he can't even talk to others!"

One was very shy. A shy male classmate went to the cafeteria to have breakfast. The chef at the window asked him: "What do you want?" He lowered his head and said: "I want...I want...a bun and a bun." The chef stared at him for a long time. , asked: "What do you want? Say it again!" "I want a bun and a bun... Oh. No! A bun and a bread!"

English class, teacher: "Good morning, Teacher!” Student: “Good morning student!” The whole class burst into laughter.

A classmate called his friend’s house, and the other party’s grandfather answered the phone. The classmate didn’t know what he was thinking, so he opened his mouth and said: “Grandpa, this is grandma...” Suddenly he felt something was wrong, and he suddenly Hang up the phone...

A buddy once made an appointment with the girl he had loved for a long time and was going to confess to her. The two of them sat in silence for a long time before he plucked up the courage to ask the girl: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

The girl shyly replied: "Not yet", and he was ecstatic: "Then can you be a boyfriend?" My boyfriend? ”

The wife asked reproachfully: You don’t even know your grandma’s name? The husband replied aggrievedly: How did I know? Grandma was only seven years old when I died.

Wife was surprised: What? The husband quickly changed his mind: No, no, I died when grandma was seven years old!

Before my mother went out to play mahjong, she told me: "Put all your clothes in the refrigerator and pick up all the vegetables in the washing machine."

Once I came out of my mother's place and went to my wife's place When I went there, after seeing my wife, I habitually called out: “Mom! "

The two people were arguing, and suddenly a person next to them said: "You are really full and have nothing to do! "

In the unit's congratulatory speech, a leader said: "I wish everyone good health..." He held it in and ran out of words.

The fourth boy in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time, but there were none. Ask everyone: Why are my slippers gone?

I once went to buy mutton skewers. I stretched out four fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers." The boss was confused, "How many?" "I stretched out 3 fingers and said "4"...

My surname is Zhu, and I manage the computer room of my unit. Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig room? "I scolded that guy!

My parents were arguing, and my dad said angrily: "I'm going to get out of here!" "

I just entered college and was in military training. The company commander didn't know his accent and shouted the command - "Drill to the left! "Drill right!" ”

When I was in college, I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour shredded potatoes, without the potatoes!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me which year I graduated. . I originally wanted to say the year 2000, but I got excited and said: "Two thousand years ago. . . What was even more shocking was that the examiner actually said, "A student of Confucius." ”

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage to announce: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang singing and dancing, lift your skull! It’s so creepy!!!

If a tiger doesn’t respond to a cat, you should think of me. He is critically ill!

Me: “That’s our physics teacher. . . "Classmate: "What do you teach? ” Me: “Chemistry.” . .

"

One day when I was in school, I received a phone call. After receiving the call, my classmate handed it to me and said, "Your mother is looking for you." "I picked up the phone and said casually: "Boy or girl." Everyone laughed wildly and I was laughed at. Even a beautiful woman who has been laughing for 4 years is worried about getting married. Man, let's see if I win or not.

Once, there was a classmate in the dormitory. When my mother called me, I was used to saying "He's not here", but this time what I wanted to say was "He's gone out". The result was: "He's... gone"

Deliver Give me a piece of ice cream, I take a bite and yell, "It burns me to death!" "

My sister and I went to Li Ning to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound? "

I went home on the weekend when I was in school. I got addicted to cigarettes after dinner, so I planned to use it as an excuse to go for a walk. When I was changing my shoes at the door, my dad asked me why I was going? I casually said: "Go and smoke!" "As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from my body and beat me severely.

The teacher left me homework. I didn't know how to do it, so I copied other people's work. Then I went to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher Said: "I've finished copying! ”

Our company has a car to pick up and drop off work in the morning. Because the car is not big, once, after I got on the car, there was no seat. A male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her enthusiastically. : "So-and-so, sit on my ass! "I kept laughing until I got off the bus~!

When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue. I was at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, I slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid! Classic 30 Funny Quotations_My Mouth Cramped from Laughing

1. I was required to submit a ten-page paper in my college composition class, discussing the meaning of being a human being. I tried my best to complete the assignment, and the professor not only rated it as a masterpiece. , and also encouraged me to make a living from writing. In the second year, my boyfriend also took this course and had to hand in a paper assignment of the same topic and length. I gave him my old work for reference, and he did not change a word. Copy and submit the paper. When the paper was sent back, the professor wrote on it: How is your girlfriend?

2. Jack’s screams came from the bedroom, and my mother quickly ran in to take a look. The 2-year-old sister was pulling his hair. The mother gently pushed the little girl's hand away and comforted little Jack: She is still young and she doesn't know that it will hurt you. As soon as the mother walked out of the bedroom, there was another sound. The little daughter screamed. What's wrong? The mother turned and rushed in. Now she knows.

3. We had a quarrel with our classmates in class. Then my phone vibrated, and when I opened it, it turned out to be a message from my deskmate saying sorry. I was moved to reply to his message, but 2B immediately raised his hand and said: Teacher, he was playing with his phone in class.

4. A woman had just given birth to a baby. During her confinement period, a group of girlfriends came over to visit her and said, "Wow, he looks like your husband!" Another girlfriend said, "Yes, he looks very much like her, especially when he is breastfeeding." , the eyes were so similar! Everyone was silent immediately

5. The doctor comforted the patient and said: Please believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. You need fresh air. I suggest you take a walk and move around. What's your job? Postman, doctor.

6. During the mobilization before the exam, the math teacher drank some wine and said on the podium: Teaching is a grand secret love, you have to work hard to love. A group of people, but in the end, I only moved myself. I was really abused by students a thousand times. I treat students like my first love. I used to be afraid that I would not be able to do well in the exam alone, but now I am afraid that a group of people will not do well in the exam. Dear classmates, if you are. Never give up, I will depend on you for life and death. If you give up on yourself, I will be powerless. Suddenly the whole class burst into applause. Teacher, you have just lost your love!

7. A seriously ill patient went to see a famous doctor. The nurse said to him: The doctor's schedule is full. It will be your turn in at least three weeks. What? Three weeks? The patient shouted, maybe I won't survive until then! , the nurse said, you can ask your family to cancel the appointment on your behalf.

8. My cousin’s daughter is a graduate student working in Shanghai. She is already 31 and is still single. A matchmaker from her hometown introduced her. The guy said he was very handsome and he was a musician. Then my cousin came back for a blind date after taking leave and saw that he was an old bachelor from the countryside who played suona for weddings and weddings. His face turned blue with anger

9. The conductor paid for the ticket. Question: Where to make up for it? Zhengzhou! Have any children? There is one. How old is it? Four and a half years old.

Are you over one meter tall? It seems not. Come over there and see if it's overdue. ah? My child is at home! In my old... hometown? The conductor was stunned for several seconds. This girl is naturally dumbfounded!

10. After the teacher sends the test papers to the students, he asks the parents to sign. Student Xiaomeng asked: Teacher, do you want your parents to sign, or your grandparents to sign? The teacher said: Whoever keeps his word in your family will sign it. After hearing this, Xiaomeng murmured to himself: So, I can only sign it.

11. The matchmaker said to the girl: That young man is really good, he is strong, he likes wild survival and camping activities, and he also has chest hair. The girl said to the matchmaker: Can he walk upright?

12. Xiao Ming has always been proud that his father is a great engineer. One day, he met Xiao Hua and chatted with Xiao Hua. Xiao Ming said to Xiao Hua: Do you know the Himalayas? ? Xiaohua said: I know. Xiaoming said: My father built it. Hehe. Xiaohua was speechless at that time. He thought for a while and said: Do you know the Dead Sea? That was killed by my father.

13. Someone teased a child: Are you your father or am I your father? The child said: You are your father! The man hurriedly said: Wrong! Think about it. The child tilted his head and thought for a long time, then asked doubtfully: Am I your father?

14. Patient: I have been very forgetful recently. I forget what I just said as soon as I turn my head! Doctor: How long have you been like this? Patient: How long has it been?

15. On Sunday, my brother-in-law took his nephew, who had just entered elementary school, to visit the Ape Man Cave in Zhoukoudian. He felt that it was time to provide his son with basic historical education, so he pointed to the ape-man model and asked: Do you know who your ancestors are? The nephew looked at him in surprise and replied: My grandfather? !

16. A buddy struck up a conversation with a beautiful woman on the road: Sister Mei, you are so beautiful. What do you do for a living? The beauty said: I work in service. This guy said happily: Ah, how I want to be your customer! Where do you work? The beauty said that I put makeup on the corpse at the crematorium. When will you come?

17. One day in class, a student deserted. The teacher saw it and wanted to make things difficult for the student. Teacher: What shape do you think the earth is? Student: Round. The teacher was unwilling and asked again: Why is the earth flat? Student: Teacher, I listen to you! You have the final say! Whatever you say is convenient, it's convenient.

18. The subway was so crowded when I went to work in the morning that the bread I bought was squashed. What the heck, I was in a much worse situation than you once. What, how is your bread squeezed? It's not bread. I wanted to fart, but it forced me to burp!

19. In a mental hospital, there were two mental patients. A said to B: I recently wrote a book, have you read it? B: I read it and it was well written, but there were too many names in the book and I couldn’t remember them. At this moment, the dean came in and said: What are you two doing with my phone book?

20. Yesterday afternoon, while I was shopping with my wife, she suddenly asked me: Who has a better figure, me or your ex-girlfriend? When I was thinking about it, suddenly a guy behind me answered decisively: Hello! We turned around in horror, only to find a stranger. He was probably frightened by our expressions, and said in a trembling voice: Hello, could you please tell me how to get to Bayi Road?

21. My roommate has a 12-year-old sister who is fat and sweats all the time in the hot summer. , when she was sweating profusely, she went out to catch the chicken, because as soon as she caught the chicken, the chicken flapped its wings crazily. Her sister said that the wind was strong and it was cool

22. Xiao Liang was very naughty and ran to a neighbor's orchard to eat strawberries, but was discovered. The neighbor's aunt asked: What is your name? I need to tell your parents! Xiaoliang said calmly: No need, my parents all know my name.

23. One day, when Xiaofang came home from work, her son Xiaoqiang ran to her and said proudly: Mom, I have learned how to bargain! Xiaofang was puzzled and asked: What should you do? Xiaoqiang said: I took some scraps to the recycling station to sell them. The uncle who collected the scraps said it was one *** six yuan. I said it was too expensive, so he bought it for me for four yuan

24. A female man, we had dinner together a few days ago, and she was unhappy. When asked why, she said: I think it’s time for me to find a boyfriend. Me: Stop making trouble, eldest sister, didn’t you say you want to be single forever? She said: I had a fight with some hooligans last week and my phone broke.

Me: So you think if you find a boyfriend, you won’t have to fight with your own hands or break your phone? She glared: I mean if I have a boyfriend, he can hold my bag for me, and I can beat those little gangsters with ease!

25. Mom: This girl is so pitiful! She lost her father and her best friend, the dog. Betty, would you like to help her get your dog to her? Betty: Oh! Mom, why don't we give dad to her?

26. My son is in senior class, and I have arranged for the children to come to my house to play on weekends. My wife got up early, cleaned up the house, and made some delicious food. I said no, a bunch of brats are here, and you are so arrogant. My wife said, you don’t understand, maybe these are your future daughters-in-law! I'll go ahead and start early enough!

27. A female colleague is seven months pregnant. She doesn’t know why she can’t eat meat. Even scrambled eggs feel fishy. When she went to the hospital for a re-examination, she was reminded by the doctor that she should eat more meat, otherwise the child would be in trouble after being born malnourished. Then the doctor paused for a few seconds and whispered to her: "My mother-in-law doesn't like you very much." . . My best friend said truthfully: No, I just can’t eat meat, and I feel nauseous when I eat it. . The doctor was stunned for a moment, and then said to her: Could it be that Tang Sanzang is what you are pregnant with?

28. Teacher: Starting from the next semester, our school will switch to teaching in English. Student A: Wow! We won't understand. Teacher: Don’t worry about not understanding. To learn a language is to listen more. If you listen to me speaking English every day, you will naturally understand it over time. Student B: But I hear the puppy barking at home every day, and I don’t know what it is saying.

29. In the chemistry class, the teacher told the students: When there is thunder, the oxygen in the air will combine to form ozone, a gas with an unpleasant smell. A classmate who believed in Jesus suddenly realized it and said: No wonder people say that thunder is God farting. It turns out it is true!

30. The school organized a spring outing. The teacher said: This spring outing, everyone has to do group activities. It can’t be like last time, two by two together. I’m embarrassed to tell you. This time we have to be at least ten. Individuals act together! On the day of the spring outing, everyone performed well. Suddenly, I saw Zhang San holding his stomach and shouting: Who needs to go to the toilet? We have already organized nine people! ! Classic funny quotes that make you laugh to the point of internal injury

1. In this world, it is more difficult to torture a Q pet to death than to torture a person to death.

2. You are my super happy insole, let me step on you.

3. After staying among the nervous people for a long time, I found that I am normal.

4. When you go out on the street, you will rub off on others and say to them: Don’t worry, there is a secret and it is fully automatic!

5. If you can't tolerate me, it means either your mind is too narrow, or my personality is too great.

6. You name it, if you don’t have a diploma, you’ll learn to be ugly, and if you’re not smart, you’ll learn to be bald!

7. When two male turtles fight, the most cruel trick is to turn the other over.

8. No matter how much water you drink, you can’t stop urinating and feel lonely.

9. What is happiness? It is when you eat fish, I eat meat, and watch others chew bones!

10. Don’t make me sweat, or I’ll pick your nose in return.

11. Big head, thick neck, and moves like a pig!

12. To celebrate my success in quitting smoking today, I decided to smoke another one.

13. When I see your face, I feel that your parents were not serious when making you.

14. I read time-travel novels every day, and the toilet I read looks like a hole in time-travel.

15. Is it itchy? The itching is correct. When the wound grows flesh, nerve endings also grow.

16. A day is so short. As soon as the computer is turned on or off, the day passes.

17. If you regard me as a game, I will cheat and torture you to death.

18. If you want to conquer all the soy sauce in the world, go ahead and make others jealous.

19. How can you get married without experiencing scum? No one can be a mother casually.

20. It’s not that I look down on you, but that I don’t care about you at all.

21. What I call dreams is to dream at night and daydream.

22. Superman always flies in briefs because the triangle has stability.

23. Close your eyes and see the bank. That is where my money is hidden.

24. Donor, if you bully the poor man, you are not giving Jesus face.

25. Use wine to relieve sorrow and make it worse. Monk Tang used Rejoice to wash his hair.

26. Diapers that can withstand floods are diapers that can truly absorb.

27. It’s over, you won’t pay attention to me anymore, I will become a dog and ignore you.

28. What to do if your balls hurt? Just rub them and get on with your life.

29. When I have money, I will go back to Afghanistan, because there is no place where I can have four wives.

30. It is said that we are the flowers of the motherland. Why is it that I am the only one who is injured?

31. Youth is running wildly and then falling gorgeously.

32. Listening to you speak, a sense of intellectual superiority arises spontaneously!

33. I always fantasize that I am a human being, but the facts tell me that I am just a concave and convex man.

34. When you have one bar of blood left in the game, call Brother Zeng three times to revive him on the spot.

35. Women who live well will wear less clothes. When a man mixes well, his hair falls back.

36. There must be a driveway in front of the mountain, and I can’t stop it even if it’s there.

37. Men are beasts without clothes, and they are beasts with clothes on.

38. In fact, if you like a girl, buy her more food. Once you get fat, no one will chase you, and it will be yours.

39. When I love you, I don’t need to explain, because explanation is just a cover-up.