Who said the divorce rate is higher in big cities? In fact, marriages in small cities are more unstable.

My best friend Kun got divorced a few days ago. Although I have never been very optimistic about her husband, I was still surprised when I heard that her husband decided to divorce without even having children. Later, another best friend reconstructed the divorce scene to me, and I finally understood the reason for his decision.

Kun is a standard second-generation rich man. His father runs a steel company in our local area. Kun is the second eldest son in the family. He has an older sister, a younger brother and a younger sister. Kun’s husband, Mr. Hu, comes from a dual-income family. Both his parents are teachers in a vocational and technical school. The two fell in love for a long time and eventually got married. The child is now three years old and is about to enter kindergarten.

On the day of the divorce, the two of them were working normally at an educational institution run by ***. They had a dispute over work matters, and the quarrel was so loud that everyone in the office building came out to watch. At this time, Mr. Hu shouted, "I've had enough of you and your whole family", so he went home, picked up his household registration book, and rushed to the Civil Affairs Bureau to complete the divorce.

Although official data over the years has always shown that the divorce rate in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen remains high, ranking first in the country. But according to my observation, marriages in small cities are more unstable. In big cities, most divorces are voluntary divorces, and whether the marriage is worth continuing is determined entirely based on the emotional status of the couple. In small cities, the status of the marriage is more often kidnapped by the two families behind the couple. Although the divorce rate in small cities is barely passable in terms of statistics, the state of marriage is really worrying.

Parents’ excessive interference led to many conflicts in the marital relationship

Just like Kun’s story mentioned above, what ultimately led to the breakdown of their marital relationship was not differences of opinion at work, but It is the man's long-term backlog of dissatisfaction with the woman's family. Although Kun's family is wealthy, Kun, who is the second eldest child in the family, does not take much advantage from his parents, so that Mr. Hu often complains that his father-in-law and mother-in-law are partial. In addition, the couple has been living with their mother-in-law since the birth of the child, and there have been constant conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. My mother-in-law is a relatively self-centered woman and seldom considers other people's feelings when doing things. He often enters the couple's bedroom without knocking, regardless of whether the couple is resting or not.

In small cities, most couples and both parents live in the same city. In our place, it only takes half an hour to drive from the east end to the west end. This means that even if most couples have their own home, they are still used to going back to their parents' house every three days to eat and drink. As a result, the couple has their parents involved in everything from small problems to big decisions, and there is no chance to form a communication method and error correction mechanism that belongs to the two of them.

Last summer, another best friend of mine, Xiaoli, was subjected to cold violence by her husband. Her husband, who had always been gentle, suddenly began to be picky and picky about her. She tried to communicate with her several times but to no avail. When she was confused and at a loss, she heard her mother-in-law scolding her husband in the bedroom after work one day, "You are the only child in our family, so you are done with just having this daughter? If she doesn't give birth, divorce her." I have to say that Chinese parents really walk at the two extremes of selfishness and selflessness without knowing it.

Starting from the Chinese New Year, my mother-in-law also started to have various kinds of pregnancy, saying that she was so stressed that she couldn’t sleep because we were both thirty years old and had no children, and our family members were criticizing us. I was thinking, is their world really too small, so small that there is nothing else they can do except give birth and take care of their children? Although my husband and I have our own plans, our parents’ repeated nagging still makes us feel a lot of pressure. In big cities, many young people stay alone in big cities. Although they lack the company of their parents and relatives, they also avoid excessive interference from both families, which is not a bad thing.

Ineffective social interaction takes away a lot of time at home

It is said that life in big cities is fast-paced, young people are under great pressure and have no time to get married or take care of their families. It stands to reason that couples who work nine to five jobs in small cities should have time for love and time to take care of the family. In fact, this is not the case. I graduated with a master's degree in 2013 and started working. I have been working in a local state-owned bank for five years. At first, I had three days off a week, and later on weekends. Even during the busiest peak marketing season, I rarely worked overtime beyond 9 pm. But among the male colleagues around me who work the same hours, very few of them go home before ten o'clock in the evening.

Where have they all gone? Those who are a little pursuing may go to the gym or library, but most of them go to barbecue stalls and taverns, drinking wine and bragging, day after day. Like my brother, a civil servant. I only eat dinner at home one day a week at most, and most of the time I don’t go home until after 11pm. And his family also has twin daughters who need to be taken care of. Of course, half of my brother's time is due to work needs.

Even in a small city without huge life pressure and fast-paced lifestyle, it still fails to keep men at home. Even men who stay at home devote most of their time to games, live broadcasts and sofas. Therefore, when it comes to the quality of marriage, I think there should be little difference between small cities and big cities.

Marriage in small cities that has been suffering from internal friction but refuses to let go

Since the quality of marriage in small cities is not as good as that in big cities, why does the divorce rate in small cities not exceed that in big cities? In fact, from what I know about the people around me, more than 80% of them are dissatisfied with their marital status. When talking about the other half, all kinds of negative emotions such as complaints, dissatisfaction, and accusations about the other person, and disappointment in the other person's family come to mind. However, the possibility of actually getting to the point of divorce is only 10%. Why?

First, because in this small city, everyone's activities are roughly the same, and it is very likely that even if they get divorced, they will still have to see each other. To avoid embarrassment, just go along with it. Second, after two people get married, it can no longer be decided by the two parties whether to divorce or not. Often the two parents sit together, criticize each other's children, and then teach their own children a lesson, and the two adults really continue to live like children playing house. Third, the conservative thinking makes many parents still regard divorce as a shameful thing. Even if they know that their children are not happy, they are not willing to let others see the "joke." Therefore, friends often say, "My mother said that if I If I get a divorce, she will jump off the building." "My dad will break my legs if I get a divorce." Therefore, even if you are always internally consumed, you cannot let go.

As a newcomer who has just entered the besieged city, although I have seen so much unhappiness, I am particularly confident in my marriage. In the above cases, whether it is the parents' strong intervention or their own unwillingness to pay, these problems are not insurmountable. We do not deny that, whether in a big city or a small city, marriage is not just a matter of two people, but anything involving interpersonal relationships requires careful management and maintenance.

Only through rational communication and clear boundaries can we close the distance between each other

In marriage, we are often embarrassed to point out the problems of the other parent's parents, and we are unreasonably partial to our own parents. When conflicts arise, we might as well try to communicate with our respective parents. However, we should avoid paraphrasing the other half's words during communication. Instead, we should rationally and objectively make suggestions to our parents and clarify each other's boundaries and bottom lines. I believe that as long as parents are sensible, things will change. Furthermore, the reason our parents continue to interfere in our lives is simply because they think we can’t solve our problems on our own. Therefore, if we want our parents to let go, we must first learn to solve problems and form a way of communication, correction, encouragement, and even punishment that belongs to two people.

Match men and women, work is not tiring, and cultivate the habit of husbands sharing housework

Many female colleagues around me complain that their husbands are too lazy and do nothing at home. In fact, think about it from another angle, is your husband's laziness and unwillingness to go home because you are too diligent and take away your husband's performance opportunities, so that he has no sense of presence at home? In our family, my husband has always cooked, I washed the dishes, I swept the floor, and he mopped the floor. No matter which housework it was, I would ask him to help me share half of it, so that even if he had a social event one day, he would do it first. Finish cooking for me before leaving. If I do a lot of housework one day, I will definitely tell him what I did and how hard it was. I think women must not suffer in silence unless you really enjoy it.

Love is a romantic story, and marriage is a trivial matter in life. No matter where you are, only those who know how to manage their lives will be happy.