Please come in. Thank you. My boyfriend bit my hand while sleeping. I don't know whether he has controlled his weight. In short, he bit me and cried. He bit it and blew it everywhere.

1. A man ventured alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he shouted to the sky, "I'm dead, God help me!" " "I saw a voice falling from the sky at the first light:" Not necessarily, you can pick up a big stone on the ground and smash the leader to death. " So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, just killing him. All the people stayed for a while, then glared at each other. At this moment, another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead. 2. Three ghosts came to God and said with one voice, "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" God: "I only let the most unjust people go to heaven." Let's talk about how you died. " A: "I am a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor on the top of an old building without an anti-theft net and accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but the sewer pipe was knocked down by some bastard. Because the building is short, I didn't fall to death. As a result, a refrigerator fell on it and crushed me. " B: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair. As a result, her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, it seems that the refrigerator fell from the window without a security net. I didn't die because of the protection of the refrigerator. As soon as I came out, someone fell from above and killed me. " C: "When I came home, I saw my wife with another man from my window. When I got home, I was very angry. I knocked down the sewer pipe, threw away the refrigerator and made a scene with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell from the window and hit my head on someone else's head and died. " God: "You all died unjustly. Go to heaven! " ! 3. This is the smell. Once upon a time, an old man liked to drink soup cooked by his wife. As long as he doesn't drink for a day, he will feel sick all over. Later, his wife died and he couldn't drink the soup, so he was very sad and began to let his wife cook it. But no matter how well his daughter-in-law does, he always throws it aside and says, "It's not the smell. You can cook such a terrible soup! " At first, the daughter-in-law always swallowed her words, but as the days passed, she still couldn't do it. Finally, she had a murder plan to kill her father-in-law. But she doesn't know how to do it. She thought and thought, and suddenly found a rusty pesticide in the corner. She sprayed insecticide into the soup, and then got up the courage to give it to her father-in-law, who shouted, "That's the smell! This is the taste! " 4. School Booking Office: Tickets are particularly tight now. If the train ticket you want is gone, will you obey the adjustment? Me: Obey. After getting the ticket the next day, I was very angry: I booked a ticket to Shandong, why did I get a ticket to Shanxi! ! ! School booking office: Didn't you say that you obey the adjustment? X, an employee of the personnel department of an enterprise, was recently transferred to the public relations department downstairs. On this day, his friend called the original department: "Is X there?" X's colleague replied, "He is no longer in the personnel." Friend: "Ah? When did he ... "Colleague:" Last week. " Friend: "I don't know anything about it … I didn't give him a lift …" Colleague: "Never mind, just go down and find him?" Friend: Ah, you are really joking. Colleague: I'm not kidding. When he left, he said that if anyone missed him, he was always welcome to visit below. Friend:. . . . This is inconvenient. . . . Colleague: Well, it's really inconvenient during the day. I'll ask him to come to you at night! ! 6. When I got up in the morning, I saw a Netease comment on the first floor: Everybody calm down and come and listen to what the fifth floor says. Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable. The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people. Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice! Fifth floor: upstairs are idiots! ! 7. Anonymous quarreled with her husband and felt very uncomfortable. While my husband was asleep, I squatted on his head and farted to let him smell Japanese. I didn't expect that I pulled too hard and shit on his face. It's funny, but it's also disgusting. Once the bell rings, everyone must go home. When going down the stairs, a boy stepped on his right foot with his left foot and fell into a big font in the middle of the road ... He thought at that time: No, it's too embarrassing, you have to pretend to be dizzy. As a result, the students next to him saw the boy motionless, quickly helped him up, and then slapped him wildly. 9. Once upon a time, Americans went to Russia for sightseeing. One day, I saw two Russian workers on my way to Russia. One is to dig a hole by the roadside with a shovel. He digs a hole every three meters. Another worker immediately backfilled the hole just dug by the previous worker, and so on. Curious, the American asked the first Russian worker, "Why did the guy behind you fill in the hole just after you dug it?" Russian workers replied: "We are greening the road. I dig a hole, the second person plants trees, and the third person fills the soil. But the second man didn't come today. 10, I had a drink with some friends one night, and several people drank too much. One of them fell asleep on the side of the road, so we couldn't lift him, so we discussed finding something to cover him so as not to catch cold. When I saw him a few days later, he said that he woke up the next day and found three bicycles on him. Office workers are the best slang. Look at the subtext of the workplace. Office slang dictionary exposure 1, ordinary employees (not very smart) 2, excellent (not making mistakes yet) 3, sociable (able to drink) 4, observant (often reporting) 5, enthusiastic (opinionated) 6, quick thinking (able to find excuses quickly) 7. Clear logic in complex work (work can be delegated to others) 9. Good judgment (good luck) 10, ambitious (secretly harming others) 1 1, easy-going (can be fired at any time) 12, model employee (on time for work) 13. Work first (ugly people are not invited) 15, independent working ability (no one knows what he is doing) 16, long-term vision (always putting off work again) 17, excellent eloquence (talking nonsense) 18, strong communication skills (often making phone calls) Have a sense of humor (can tell a lot of dirty jokes), and the meaning of working dialogue at work is to say some insincere words without conscience. Here are some suitable ways to interpret public conversation. You may wish to refer to them so as not to understand what the other party is saying! Maybe I can work overtime to get things done. (Note: How long do you want me to work? Do you want to live? I'm not sure if this will happen. (Note: This is nonsense. ) 3. Original: Really? (Note: Nonsense! Maybe you can ask someone else's opinion. (Note: You wait and see who will talk to you! Of course, I care too. (Note: Who has time to take care of this! Sorry, I'm not involved in this project. (Note: Leave me alone. What does this have to do with me? ) Well, this is very interesting. (Note: What is this! ) 8. I will try to put this matter on the work schedule. (Note: Why didn't your boy explain earlier? He may not be familiar with this matter. (Note: His head is full of paste! ) 10, original: So you are not satisfied with this work? (Note: Shit, what's wrong with you? ) 1 1, original: My workload may be a bit too heavy. Note: I get this small salary. Do you want to kill me? ) 12, original: I like to accept challenges. (Note: What a lousy job this is! ) 13, original: You may not understand it yet. (Note: Are you out of your mind? ) 14, original: I understand, I understand. (Note: What the hell is this guy talking about? ) 15, original: Yes, it should be discussed. (Note: Alas! There's going to be another meeting! ) The most frightening 20 sentences in the operating room are 1. Wow, he has been a man for a long time! 2. Where is the cigarette butt in my mouth? 3. Get an axe! Recently, I heard that kidneys are very valuable! 5. Is this a beating heart or lungs! 6. Where is the original position of the root intestine! 7. Let's have a rest and then continue the operation. 8. What blood type is this patient? 9. How can there be a power outage! 10, let's get off work! 1 1, shit, another operation, and the scissors are gone! 12, what is cut well? 13, hey, what did you take from his stomach? 14, get the book, I forgot the name of this institution! 15, forget it, forget it, let's get together and sew! 16, this guy only gave a red envelope of 100 yuan! 17, why is this knife so dull? I have to row again! 18, please, how can there be an organ? Where can I put this organ? 19, go and get a piece of pigskin. 20. It's only 2 o'clock, and it will be off work in a few hours! Storm Recovery Series 1: Landlord: I fell in love with a girl who is 6 years younger than me and still in junior high school. It's sinful. Violent reply: it is really sinful to remove the word like. 2. Landlord: I hit my dog! He did not tell me about the earthquake. During the earthquake just now, he usually slept in his nest screaming happily as if nothing had happened! Alas, after all, it is not my own ... 4. Landlord: Give me a woman and I will create a country! Well, if I give you a sow, the price of meat will drop by 6 next year. Answer: wise after the event, like a pig beforehand! 7. Landlord: Tell a story that starts with KB, is funny in the middle and has a tragic ending. For example, once upon a time there was a ghost who farted and died. I met Sister Furong, fell in love with Sister Furong, and married Sister Furong ... 8. Landlord: Talking to those idiots at work every day makes me feel that the future is very slim ... Reply: Be happy ~ Because it is not terrible to play the piano for cows, what is terrible is that a group of cows play the piano for you every day! 10: Landlord: Actually, Newton was just lucky enough to discover the law of gravity. If I had been born 300 years earlier, I could have done it! Answer: He is indeed a lucky dog, because it was an apple that hit his head, and it was either durian or coconut that hit the poor landlord's head ... 12: Landlord: Urban management added a weapon to catch stray dogs! Violent reply: the same root is born, so I want to fry too fast. 13: Landlord: Why do more and more people don't want children? Violent reply: Senior officials sent by Beijing said they should start with dolls. 14: Landlord: I met a male netizen today, and the other party kept hinting that he wanted to have sex. I want to ask: is it because netizens go to bed when they meet now? Violent reply: don't netizens go to bed when they meet? Are you kidding? Everyone is busy. 15: Landlord: A student, with the lowest grade every year, often fights with others. According to the leader's request, the teacher wants to give the students a nice final comment. How to write? Violent reply: The student has stable grades and strong hands-on ability. 16: Landlord: Through the incident of drinking mineral water in Hainan, we can see that China's food safety is worrying, and mineral water can also kill people? Is there no sign of QS? Violent reply: weak, is QS going to die? 17: Landlord: Do you want Chris Lee or Zhang Ziyi? Violent reply: A rooster and a pheasant are not selected 18: Landlord: Which is more cost-effective to keep a dog or a man? Violent reply: Auntie, even if you can treat men as dogs, do you dare to treat dogs as men? 19: Landlord: Chris Lee and Sister Furong fell into the water at the same time. You have a brick in your hand. Who did you hit? Violent reply: who saves who. 20. Forum Landlord: I have1100,000 and want to buy a car. Please give me some advice. Forum reply: You can sell 30 QQ cars and drive in teams, with S-type cars and B-type cars for a while. 2 1: forum owner: Wang married Chen, please comment in four words. Forum reply: You are getting better! 22. Forum Landlord: Do you think I look like Wu Bai? Forum reply: Only half like it! (250! ! ) 23: Landlord of the Forum: Last night, when walking the dog, our big Tibetan mastiff and a bald wild dog on the edge of the grove bit each other. Fuck! Unexpectedly, the Tibetan mastiff was defeated by a grass dog! ! ! Forum sofa: * * *, before I went bald, they all called me a lion! 24. Forum landlord: Guess which country I am a mixed-race _ Forum reply: China people+deformed diamonds! 25: Forum Landlord: My girlfriend always says that her breasts are small, which I think is ok. Please ask BBS GGs to help identify it ~ forum sofa: she has two pimples on her back! Landlord: If I have 100 million RMB, I can get a loan to buy a house in Tomson Yipin! Forum reply: Yes, but you have to borrow money to pay the property fee first ~ 27: Forum landlord: He vowed today that I am a part of his life and I am a part of his body. Without me, he can't live ~ Forum Sofa: My ex-boyfriend said the same thing, but later I learned that I am his appendix, ears and six fingers. Landlord: I am so rich, what kind of car should I buy for the nanny? Forum reply: That depends on the relationship between her and your husband ~ 29: Forum landlord: The damn barber shop cut my head! Let's do some bad actions, and ask that the bigger the injury, the better, and the smaller the action, the better, because I am going alone. Forum basement: midnight, dark and windy, quietly and gently, hanging alone in front of the barber shop ... 30: Forum landlord: Why did I get amnesia? Forum reply: Isn't this cool? I wake up every morning to find different women sleeping beside me ~3 1: Forum Landlord: When you were a child, did you imagine what kind of scene would make you show off in front of everyone when you grew up? Forum bench: Pick a cart of dung and go to the street to see who is not pleasing to the eye and throw it at him head-on! 32: Forum Landlord: Why does pol.ice sound a siren when it catches bad guys? Aren't you afraid that horrible bosses will hear you and run away? Forum sofa: the superior unit will generally inform the subordinate unit in advance before coming to check ~ 33: Forum landlord: Why should the child born have the same surname as his father? Forum sofa: Because the money spit out by ATM belongs to the cardholder. 34: Forum Landlord: Handsome is useless-it hasn't been eaten by a chess piece in the end! Forum reply: Handsome guys have companies, guns, horses, cars and unrequited love ... What's wrong with handsome men? ! ! 35: forum landlord: collect the most malicious and dirty words. Forum reply 3 1: Did your mother throw people away and raise the placenta when she gave birth to you? 36: Owner of the Forum: Why did President Hu's visit to Japan leave the Japanese side cold and didn't even hang the welcome slogan at the airport? Forum sofa: How to hang it? Warmly welcome old Japanese friends to China? 37: Forum Landlord: Isn't it hot for you women to wear bras in summer? Forum reply: it's hot without you ... 38: Forum landlord: I just bought a new manor. How big is it? I scared you to death-I drove for two and a half hours! ! ! Forum sofa: well, I used to have such a broken car ~