A person chats with you, and you don't answer the questions you ask about other things.

Today's story comes from the Cold Love Club-Shanghai Station. After reading it, do you have any different feelings or experiences? Please leave a message for discussion.

By cold love

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Keywords: What's there to talk about if you like her?

Q: We have known each other for two months. We can talk at first, but now we can't talk anymore. What should I do? It's very cold.

She is 28, 175. This is 33 169. I think I like her, so there is no topic.

Live answer

With this vivid story today, let's analyze it in all directions:

How to chat?

Talk about what? Good talk?

How to make the topic between you endless?

Generally speaking, there are two main points:

First, before chatting, we must first understand each other's needs.

Usually, a person's needs are mainly divided into "emotional needs" and "objective fact (or cognitive level) needs".

A good chat must start with emotions.

When we look up this chat record, we will find that this chat started with a fact:

It's a beautiful day today.

This sentence itself is actually a feeling brought by the weather. What he said is a "thing"

As for "things", there are two kinds:

Subjective understanding of things;

Objective facts.

In this chat record, we are talking about an objective fact.

Here I especially want to share with you how to chat. In fact, the best way to chat is to talk about emotions. For example, you can open the topic by joking and telling a joke.

But what if you say: I don't have the ability to joke and talk about emotions directly?

There is another way of speaking-starting with cognition.

Everything, we can be divided into two parts:

Some are called "objective facts" and some are called "subjective cognition".

Take our present scene as an example. Judging from the objective facts, today we are standing in a building at the junction of the Yangtze River and the Yellow Sea, where a group of us are having a meeting. This is an objective fact.

But among the people present, different people may have different definitions and understandings of this activity in their subjective world:

Maybe some people just come here to make some new friends.

Some people regard this activity as an opportunity to learn;

Others want to try new experiences;

Of course, some people just come to see me.

Then we will find that everyone has different views on the same thing, which is the difference in our subjective world.

The essence of chatting is that although we are all in the same objective world, everyone has a different subjective world, and we can connect our subjective world through chatting.

Just like the classmate who wants to meet new friends in this activity, and the classmate who came to see me, they probably became new friends by chatting, that is, one person's opinion became the same view of both of them, because they are interlinked.

Second, multi-context dialogue.

If you have listened to my early classes or read my early articles, you will find that I particularly emphasize storytelling skills.

Why? Because the whole human race is a story.

For example, for example, we are all from Shanghai. This is a story. The story is that we lived on the edge of Eurasia as homo sapiens, and then we invented a system of mutual trust, just as all of us gathered here today to create a sense of identity. This is also a story.

Chatting is actually telling a story, which belongs to the story between two chatters.

Let's give an easy-to-understand example. For example, I wore a blue dress today, and I saw a girl wearing a blue dress at the scene. I can say to this girl:

"I think it is a special fate to meet you today. Everyone else is wearing other colors, only the two of us are wearing blue clothes. "

This is a story. From here, we can talk about blue:

"Do you know why I am wearing this blue dress today? I have a good friend who once told me that I look particularly energetic when I wear blue ... Well, my friend also lives in Shanghai, and his family lives in the direction of Hongqiao. I just met him this afternoon ... "

The above is a demonstration for everyone. Through this matter, countless new topics can be opened.

How endless is the chat? Let the chat never lack words, and conduct it in a way we call "multiple contexts".

By analyzing this chat record in the story, we can see that this is a single-threaded chat.

What is "single thread chat"?

For example, in the chat record, one person said "It's a nice day", another person said "It's a nice day", and this person went on to say "It's fine, neither too hot nor too cold, haven't you eaten yet …".

This kind of chat is called single-threaded chat, which means I ask you to answer.

Many people in life use this "audit" single-threaded chat:

Where are you from?

What do you do?

What's your name?

What do you like to do?

This kind of dialogue, within three sentences, the person who is asked certainly doesn't want to answer, which is called single-context dialogue. Single-threaded dialogue is to advance on a clue, and then the topic of this clue will definitely be exhausted.

Next, I will make a correct demonstration, hoping to help this man and other students.

Let's start with "checking accounts" and say where you are from. Although it is a dead end, I will change it from the second sentence.

For example, I asked this classmate, "Where are you from?"

She: "I am from Fujian."

Then I can say:

"Oh, are you from Fujian? I have been to Fujian many times. I have been to Wuyishan, Fuzhou and Xiamen. What impressed me most was my first visit to Wuyishan. At that time, I was still working in Beijing and accidentally went to Wuyishan.

When I just got off the plane in Wuyishan, I felt that the air in Wuyishan was particularly good. I am alone. I like the particularly good weather when I go out, the blue sky and sunshine. I don't know if you have this feeling. Every time I go out, if the weather is that kind of twilight and darkness, my mood will be very bad ... "

Please pay attention! We talked about being in a bad mood from Wuyishan, which brought us to a bad mood.

And in this clip, how many topics appeared? Countless topics ...

In fact, anyone can say a topic now, and we can skip the topic in the story just now. Because any topic can be connected together, our experience is that no more than three topics can be connected, and they can be connected to point B through point A.

Let's go back to the last clip. I said Wuyi Mountain just now on the premise that she said she was from Fujian at the beginning.

I said that the first time I went to Wuyishan, I felt that the air was very good and I entered the topic of air again.

Then I said I would go to Wuyishan from Beijing;

Before I finished this, I began to say why I like Wuyi Mountain and so on. There is a lot of information in it.

Through what I said in the last three minutes, we heard a story that can open many topics.

Many people may say: I want to say the same thing, but I have never been to Wuyi Mountain. !

I wrote a book called Answers to All Emotional Questions. You can go back and have a look. There is probably a chapter in this book devoted to the topic of "multi-context dialogue" and introduced a method that I think is very good. This method is:

You draw a picture, a picture that can help you sort out all the related topics from the past to the present.

You may not have been to Wuyishan in your life, but I guess you will always pass by Shaxian snacks?

You must pass by the Shaxian snack in the street. It is better to say "I am from Fujian" and ask "Where are you from?"

You can say: The only contact I have with Fujian is that I often pass by Shaxian snacks.

Don't worry, when you finish this sentence, as a Fujian native, he will definitely start to discuss food. Does that change the topic from Fujian people to eating? This topic can always be discussed easily.

Why do you say eat? Because eating represents a way of life.

Therefore, we should see that the focus of chatting between two people who are not together is to establish a background of mutual understanding and mutual understanding.

When two people are not together, all they talk about is what you are talking about and what you want to know about each other.

In this process, you are telling each other in detail what kind of person you are. This introduction definitely does not mean:

Hello, my name is xx, where I come from, how tall and how heavy I am, and now I work in a company.

No one wants to hear this introduction, and it doesn't matter, because people can observe it, or he can understand it in other ways.

What a woman wants to know is what she wants to ask but can't ask.

For example, it may be how much money you have. On this basis, you are a kind person, a brave person, a single-minded person, or what kind of person you are.

This woman will always have some requirements for you, right? Therefore, your story must be to present your characteristics.

For example, my three-minute story, I left Beijing to start a business, shows that I am a person who likes change. There may be some girls who like the same life. When she heard this, she knew that this guy stayed in one place for several years and then ran away. This man is not suitable for me.

It is very important for both sides to get to know each other as soon as possible.

Therefore, the words "it's a nice day today" and "it's sunny" have not been known to both sides, which is also the reason why the multi-context dialogue failed to start in this chat.

Once you start a multi-context dialogue, you can definitely get to know each other.

Moreover, we have an interesting discovery that most of the boys' dialogues are single-context dialogues; But the natural dialogue between most girls is a multi-context dialogue.

If you listen to two girls talking for ten minutes, you basically don't know what they are talking about, because their topic has changed more than ten times.

Brother, we should learn the most important point of chatting with girls from today-multi-context dialogue.

In fact, I didn't invent multi-context dialogue, but we found different dialogue structures by observing and summarizing the chats between women.

We recorded the conversations of two girls and found that their conversations with boys were just different. Of course, this is the story of ten years ago, not today.

We can still say a lot from this part, but due to time factors, let's talk about these two points first:

First, it is best to chat around each other's needs and emotions;

Second, if you can't concentrate on your emotions, you can talk about your opinion, your opinion on one thing.

How do you talk about opinions? It is to tell stories and share them with multiple dialogues.

Illustration | Shen Zhen, Hua Zhen visual designer

The illustrations in this article are not allowed to be used in part or in whole by any organization or individual without the permission of Huacheng.