Any new jokes?

If I were allowed to live again

Cat: If I were allowed to live again, I would be a mouse. If I steal a fish from my master, I will be beaten half to death by him. As for rats, they can rummage around in the kitchen and eat and drink, but people think this is justifiable.

Rat: If I were allowed to live again, I would be a cat. He eats royal food, gets an official salary, and has his master to support him from birth to death. From time to time, people like us will give him fish and shrimps, and he feels very comfortable.

Pig: If I were allowed to live again, I would be a cow. Although the work is tiring, the reputation is good, and we are just symbols of fools and lazy people. Even when we curse people, we have to say "stupid pig".

Ox: If I were allowed to live again, I would be a pig. What I eat is grass, what I squeeze is milk, and what I do is hard work, but who has evaluated my merits or given me a reward? It's so happy to be a pig, you can sleep after eating, eat after sleeping, have a fat head and big ears, and live better than the gods.

Eagle: If I were allowed to live again, I would be a chicken. There is water when thirsty, rice when hungry, a house to live in, and protection from others. As for us, we are wandering around all year round, exposed to wind and rain, and we have to always be on guard against cold shots and hidden arrows. It is such a tiring life.

Chicken: If I were allowed to live again, I would be an eagle. You can fly in the sky and catch rabbits and chickens at will. In addition to laying eggs in the morning, we are also terrified every day, fearing that we will be caught and slaughtered, and we are in constant panic all day long.

Leaders who pronounce typos

After graduating from college, I was assigned to write materials for the municipal party committee and served three leaders in ten years. As a secretary, the most embarrassing thing for me is when the leader reads the wrong words in the speech he wrote.

The first leader was an old comrade with low education and a loud voice. He liked to give reports at conferences. Once, an on-site meeting was held in the city. The old leader took my speech and read loudly to thousands of people, "Thank you all leaders for your presence and guidance." At that time, I felt more embarrassed than if I had mispronounced the word. After the meeting, I went to the old leader to remind him that he had spelled a typo in the meeting. Unexpectedly, the old leader was very unhappy. He slapped the table and said, "Young people must know how to be humble. Don't raise your tail after just knowing a few words." Go to heaven!" For a long time after that, the old leader was unwilling to talk to me.

The second leader has a background in science and engineering. He likes to use new terms in his speeches, such as "system theory", "industrial chain" and "relevance", which makes people confused after half a listen. But I often pronounce typos. The most intolerable thing is that he always pronounces "crying" as "calling device". No, are you making such a low-level mistake? Once I couldn't help it anymore, so I looked for an opportunity to tell him the correct pronunciation tactfully. After hearing this, the leader blushed, looked at me strangely, and said, "I had known that this word was pronounced 'yelling'! But back then, my primary school teacher always pronounced 'yangqi', and as a result, I have also used it since then. It has become a habit, and I have been saying it like this for decades. "For a long time after that, this leader was unwilling to talk to me.

The third leader is relatively young, highly educated, and likes to use idioms in his speech. Prepare a speech for him. As long as you use more idioms, it will be easier to pass. However, he always pronounces "thousands of miles away" as "thousands of miles to call", and "excellent achievements" as "achievements are gentle"... His favorite idiom is "drinking poison to quench thirst", and he once spoke loudly at N meetings : "Comrades, we can't drink 'dove' to quench our thirst!" It makes people want to laugh but dare not. However, I did not make the same mistake as the previous two times, and the leader continued to drink "dove" to quench his thirst until he left office.

After serving so many leaders, I finally have a part-time official position myself, holding meetings and giving speeches from time to time. The person who wrote the materials for me was Xiao Li, a newly transferred college student. The young man is smart and good at writing, which is very admirable. However, my attitude toward him has changed a bit recently. I hosted a meeting last month. After the meeting, Xiao Li came to me and said rudely: "Director, you mispronounced a word in your speech at the meeting. It was 'restriction' instead of 'restriction'!" Huh? This kid doesn't know how high the sky is! I was so angry that I slammed the table and shouted: "Young people must know how to be humble and don't have their tails raised to the sky after just knowing a few words!" For a long time after that, I was unwilling to talk to him after meeting him.

The first period in the afternoon was a history class, and the teacher taught it with great interest.

>> > A classmate nicknamed "San Mao" was lying on the desk and fast asleep. The teacher was very angry and woke San Mao up.

>> > The teacher asked: "What do you think Wang Anshi and Ouyang Xiu have in common?" Sanmao blurted out: "They are both from the Song Dynasty."

>> > The teacher then asked: "Tell me, what do they have in common with Emperor Taizong and Zhuge Liang of the Tang Dynasty?"

>> > Sanmao was stunned and replied: "They are all ancient people. . "

>> > There was a burst of laughter in the class, and the teacher made mistakes and simply played it as a game to liven up the classroom atmosphere.

>> > So he asked: "Do they have anything in common with Sun Yat-sen and Lu Xun?"

>> > Sanmao thought for a while and said: "They They are all men." The teacher then asked: "What if Li Qingzhao and Cixi are added?"

>> > Sanmao said anxiously: "He, they are all Chinese."

< p>>> > The teacher smiled and asked: "Tell me, what do Napoleon and Caesar have in common?"

>> > "They both served as emperors."

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>> > "What do they have in common with Darwin and Hitler?"

>> > By this time, Sanmao had figured out the trick, and he replied proudly: " They are all foreigners. "

>> > The teacher pressed again: "Then what do they have in common with the people I mentioned earlier?"

>> > Sanmao and a pole poked it to the end: "They are all human beings."

>> > The teacher asked again: "As far as I know, among these people, Zhuge Liang raised chickens, Cixi, and Caesar I have also raised dogs. Counting these animals, do they have anything in common with them? "

>> > When the teacher asked, Sanmao started to sweat: "This ... This... they (it) are all dead. "

>> "Yes, they are all dead." The teacher nodded.

>> > My three-haired legs went weak, and I sat down, thinking, this is the end of the problem, right?

>> > Unexpectedly, the teacher said again: "You stand up and have one last question - if they are still alive now, can you find out what they have in common?"

>> > Sanmao was dumbfounded. He thought for five minutes before he said with a sad face: "If you don't count the jet lag, they should all have had lunch