What's the funny joke?

Once I happened to be driving, a girl of 12 years old was on the phone, calling the radio station to call her mother to order songs: Auntie, I want to order songs for my mother _ _ _ What songs do you want to order for your mother _ _ _ I want to order songs for my mother called Aunt XXX: Why do women bother women?

7. I have a friend who has 42 TVs at home ... He repairs TV sets.

8. This is too much, too much is wrong, and this is called wrong.

9. Eldest brother and second child fly, and second child gets airsick and keeps vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second child said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half of it and throw up."

10. A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, I heard a thunder chop the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

1 1. Three people compete in marksmanship, and a black man holds something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm m007.

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, then raised his hand at a distance of 100 meters and shot the black man in the head. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry.

12. One day, when two people wanted to commit suicide, they came to God and asked God to grant them death so that they could go to heaven. God gave them a bottle of poison and said, "This is only enough for one person to drink. It's no use separating them." Finally, both of them died. Why? Because one of them opened the poison and saw "another bottle" written on the back of the bottle cap. . . .

13. A confessor came to the church and said to the priest, Father, I was wrong. The priest said: As long as you admit your mistake, God will certainly forgive you. The confessor said, I stole a man's bike, and now I want to give it to you. The priest said, don't give it to me. Return it to the donor. The confessor said, I asked him, but he didn't want it. The priest said: then you can accept it! After work, the priest found that his bike parked in the backyard was gone!

14. The enemy came to cover the earth with water.

15. Andy Lau takes May to Stephen Chow to drink water. Suddenly, Nicholas Tse blew and a Nicky Wu appeared on the water. Nicky Wu and Ekin Cheng rode Ka Kui Wong together and took May. Holding Emil Wakin Chau, Andy Lau stepped on Deric Wan, crossed Zhao Benshan, Rosamund Kwan, Pan Changjiang, grabbed May, returned to Aaron Kwok, and hung a flag in this city called Richie Jen.

1, an old man tripped over a pile of cow dung when he went out in winter. He thought there was someone behind him, afraid of being seen and losing face, and quickly said, I can't catch up with my youth.

Then I got up immediately, looked back, and there was no one, and then I said that this was the smell when I was young.

2.a: Why did you get fired in a few days when you were a driver in this unit?

B: I went to a desert town on business the other day, and I had an accident and ran into a tree.

A: Oh, what bad luck.

To make matters worse, there is only one tree in this town. The name of this town used to be "a tree"

3. Answer: "The salespeople here talk strangely and are not enthusiastic at all."

B: "Because. . . This is an underground shopping mall. "

4. A: "What has an extra circle every year?"

B: "Tree rings."

Answer: "No, it's glasses for middle school students."

5. Woman: I used to like you.

M: I know.

W: When did you know?

M: I just found out.

6. A: "Where are you going?"

B: "Why do you ask this question?"

A: "Are you too curious? Why do you ask so many questions? "

1. A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird.

2. A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient: What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

There are two mental patients who escaped from the hospital.

They run and run. They climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree.

Go away, go away.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey-why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: no-good-ah-

I'm not familiar with it.

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Reply.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard about it, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. After a few months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed to be able to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.

6. Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time. Their doctor in charge said to them, "If one of you is ill, the other one will take him to the hospital immediately."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning." "Come on, send him here quickly!" A gentleman was silent for a moment: "So … I don't have a toilet?"

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "

8. There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the dean was there, and in order to see the patient's recovery, he thought of a way. He said to these patients, you

Everyone came and drew a door on the wall and said, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

Hearing this, the psychopaths swarmed around the door of the painting. The dean was very disappointed, and then he found one.

A patient was still sitting in his original position, feeling ok, so he went forward and asked, "Why didn't you open the door?"

He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.

The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."

9. Mental patients in hospitals often have a good impression on doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

10. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! ! !

1 1. In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "What about my novel?" "Yes, there are just too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

12. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

13. When the leaders visited the countryside, the village head asked the farmers to shout slogans and repeat the last two words. When the leader came, the township head shouted "Stop whoring" and the farmers responded "whoring! Hey! "

14. A kebab was transferred to the fire chemical industry, and was fired in a few days because he kept asking the family of the deceased:

How do you want it done?

15. A fat girl asked the racecourse manager: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Librarian: To tell the truth, this is not a camel, but the horse you rode last time.

16. I'm too short. Oh? How short is it? A: Originally, I starred in Wu Dalang in Water Margin. B: Then.

So short? A: But the director said, "You are not tall enough."

17. It is said that there is a polar bear. Because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things.

But he couldn't find sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, looking, crawling, crawling.

Before I found sunglasses, my hands and feet were dirty.

Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

18, Xiaobai, Xiao Huang and Xiaolan take a long-distance bus. Who gets carsick?

Answer: Xiao Bai, because Xiao Bai will vomit (white rabbit).

19. What animal falls most easily?

Fox, because he is the most cunning.

20. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

2 1. A businessman and his friends were invited to a professor's house for dinner. During the dinner, a guest asked him

Do you like Shakespeare? He replied, "Yes, but I prefer whisky." Everyone was speechless.

On the way home, his friend said, "You are so stupid. Why did you mention whisky? " ? Everyone knows that, Shakespeare.

Asia is not wine. This is a piece of cheese. "

23. A man went to the drugstore, took out his gun, announced the robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head.

Then, he found that he forgot to punch a hole in the bag.

24. Mr. Keith caught a thief and said, "Why did you steal a woman's money and take it with you?"

"Don't be wrong, I will not only steal women, but also steal men." The thief said with grievance.

25. Mother: "Son, go and kiss the new teacher."

Son: "I'm not going." Dad kissed her just now and she slapped her in the face. "

26. In Germany, schools are getting bigger and bigger. So many principals insist that it is an honor to remember the names of children who have studied in their school.

At another party, a headmaster recognized one of his former students: "Oh, you are Lerwill Miller. Are you in the sixth grade of 1964? "

"Exactly, Mr. President." The young man said.

"You see, I have never forgotten my students." The headmaster proudly said, "So, where do you work now?"

The young man blushed: "I am a teacher in your school now, Mr. President."

27. Top ten screen names that confuse administrators.

1. Name it "I don't know"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, I report"

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "I don't know"

Administrator: ". . . Get out. . . . "

Named "Please Wait"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, I report"

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "Please wait"

Administrator: "OK, hurry up!" " "

In a minute. . .

Administrator: "Who is it?"

Whistleblower: "Please wait! ! ! "

Administrator: "Wait for you, get out." . . . . "

3. Say its name: "It's me"

Whistleblower: "I report! ! ! "

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "It's me"

Administrator: "Good, that's all. . Seal! "

Whistleblower: ". . . Help! . . . . "

4. Say it: "I lied to you"

Whistleblower: "the administrator I reported"

Administrator: "Report again? Who? "

Whistleblower: "I lied to you"

Administrator: "Go home and drink milk when you are full. Go away! " "

5. Name it "Hehehehehehe"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, someone uses the plug-in, and I want to report it."

Administrator: "OK, who is it?"

Reporter: "Hey hey hey"

Administrator: ". . . Who is it, please? "

Reporter: "Hey hey hey"

Administrator: "Somebody, call the mental hospital. . . . "

6. Name it "I am your father"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, someone uses plug-ins."

Administrator: "Who?"

Whistleblower: "I am your father"

Administrator: "I am your grandfather!" " "

7. Name it "Not Me"

Whistleblower: "I reported that someone used a plug-in."

Administrator: "* * *, who is it?"

Whistleblower: "Not me"

Administrator: "? Who's that? "

Whistleblower: "Not me."

Administrator: "You're fucking talking nonsense, not who are you?"

Reporter: Reporter: "Really, not me."

Administrator: "Go to * * *. . . . "

8. Name it "Administrator"

Whistleblower: "Brother Administrator, if someone uses a plug-in, I will report it."

Administrator: "OK, who is it?" Whistleblower: it's the "administrator"

Administrator: "Who? Who are you talking about? "

Whistleblower: "Administrator."

Administrator: "* * *, is it necessary for me to use a plug-in? Kill you! ***。 "

9. Name: "I am dead"

Whistleblower: "Administrator, if someone has a plug-in, I will report it."

Administrator: "Boy, I've been played all day. If you dare to report a false case, I will kill you. Tell me who it is. "

Whistleblower: "I am dead"

Administrator: "You * * *, why bother when you are dead? Come to me when you are alive. "

10. Name: I won't say anything until I die.

Whistleblower: "the administrator I reported"

Administrator: "Report again? Who? "

Whistleblower: "I will not say anything until I die."

Administrator: "*! If you are full and have nothing to do, roll! "

28. Which Chinese character is the coolest?

A: thong (cool).

29. Q: What do African cannibals eat? A: people! Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat? A: Eat vegetables!

30. There is a question in the final exam of a law school: Please explain the difference between "law" and "law" in the word law.

A girl replied: ~ Of course not ~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a lawyer ~ My mother will be very happy ~ If I tell my mother that my boyfriend is a mage ~ My mother will definitely kill me ~

3 1 .. A person has never been on an airplane. His face turned white with fear when he was sitting on the plane. When he heard the noise of the engine, he grasped the armrest of the chair tightly and closed his eyes. Five minutes seems like a century. After hearing nothing, he slowly opened his eyes and looked boldly out of the window.

"It's amazing," he said to his neighbor, "flying so high! You see, these people are like ants. "

"I can only tell you," the neighbor said coldly, "these are real ants. The plane has not taken off yet! "

32. One day. ..

There is a male deer running faster and faster. .........

Run to the finish line ...

He became a "high-speed stag" .....

33. A mung bean fell from the upstairs! Turned into red beans! Why?

Because he's bleeding!

One day, a blind man and a mute were walking in the street. Suddenly, the blind man looked at the dumb.

Blind man: You don't look stupid. ...

Dumb: How do you know? ....

35. The earthworm family had a boring day.

The little earthworm cut himself in two and played badminton.

Mother earthworm cut herself into four pieces and went to play mahjong.

Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into pieces.

Mother earthworm cried and said, "You will die if you cut so hard!" " "

Father earthworm said weakly, "I suddenly want to play football." . . . . . "

36. A ghost ... was walking ... because he was too light ... blown away by the wind ... and died!

Are you depressed? Do you want to go on holiday? Please call 1 10 as soon as possible to win a seven-day stay in the detention center and a trip beyond! Now call to send exquisite handcuffs, fashionable prison clothes, free police car transfer and so on! You can also enjoy a free haircut before 10! Hurry up and act!

38. Psychologist: "You used to think you were Diana, but now you're well enough to leave the hospital!" " "

Patient: "Thank you very much. Please send the list of treatment fees to Prince Charles! " "

Half-drunk director

I was invited, and the director gladly went. Half drunk, the director left early and asked the driver to wait for him downstairs.

An hour later, the driver Xiao Li broke into the box and said, "After waiting for such a long time, why hasn't the director come down?"

Everyone shook their heads and asked, "Impossible, where can they go?"

Finally found the bathroom and saw the director sitting on the toilet. I saw the driver and shouted, "Xiao Li, where have you been?" I have been waiting in the car for more than an hour. "

Wife buys clothes

Wife: Does this dress look good?

Husband: It looks good.

Wife: You just perfunctory me and want me to buy it and go home quickly!

Wife: Look again. Does it look nice?

Husband: It doesn't look good.

Wife: I knew you were reluctant to buy it for me.

The interests are damaged.

The usurer lost a lot of money.

After a month, the police returned the money he lost intact, thinking that he would be happy now, but the usurer counted the money and frowned again.

The policeman asked anxiously, "What, are you short of money?"

The usurer replied with a sad face, "The money is intact, but the interest was lost in vain."

radix isatidis

When I was a child, my mother would make me a cup of coffee whenever I caught a cold. She said softly, "Foreigners are always like this."

But I am always afraid of the taste of coffee, so is life.

Now I have traveled all over the Taiwan Strait, Shanghai Island and Starbucks, but I can't see the brand I drank when I was a child. I still vaguely remember that it has a very foreign name: Banlangen!

The retribution for bigamy

Judge: "Do you know the retribution of bigamy?"

Prisoner: "Yes. There are two mother-in-law. "

You played it.

Two people quarreled all day, one said 3824 and the other said 382 1.

Debate, to the county magistrate.

The county magistrate listened: "Go ahead, drag 3824 out and hit 20 boards."

Dissatisfaction with 3824: "It is obvious that he is stupid, how can he hit me!"

The county magistrate replied, "If you can argue with March 21st for a day, you still say people are stupid. Who are you hitting if you don't hit? " ?

A teacher gave an example when explaining the word "miracle": a man jumped from the eighth floor and escaped unscathed. He wants students to say "miracle".

But a classmate replied: lucky.

The teacher was disappointed and said that the man climbed to the eighth floor and jumped down, but he was still not injured.

Another student replied: by chance.

The teacher was very angry and had to say, that man climbed the eighth floor again and jumped down again.

Before the teacher finished speaking, a classmate replied: He is used to it.

A man bought a parrot and wanted to teach it to learn civilized language, so he would say "good morning" when he passed it every morning.

Said he was in a bad mood this morning and didn't say anything when he passed by. The bird stared at him coldly and said:

"Hey, what's wrong with you today?"

Xiao X especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird walking market and found a parrot with a price of 30,000 yuan.

Curious, he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive?

Buyer: My parrot is very clever! I'll say anything.

Little X bought it as soon as he heard that he was so clever.

He was very happy when he came home at night. Just play with this parrot.

X: I can walk.

Parrot: I can walk.

X: I can run.

Parrot: I can run.

X: I can fly.

Parrot: You are bragging!

The American mountaineer said to his companion, "It took almost a lifetime to plant the national flag on Mount Everest, but it was worth it. Give me the national flag by courier. "

The companion was dumbfounded and said, "Well, I thought you had it ..."

An energetic old woman went to take a bus. On the bus, a polite boy scout got up to make way for the old woman. The old woman said, "Sit tight, I'm still young, and I don't need your seat!" " "

After a while, the boy scout stood up again. The old lady patted him on the shoulder and said, "Never mind. You don't have to give me your seat. I am not that old. I am still young! " "

In this way, twice, three times, four times, the boy scout cried! "Old woman, my home has passed several stops, why don't you let me go home! ! ! "

A girl who thought she was gorgeous had a car accident, lying in the hospital and sighing in front of the mirror, "Beauty is unlucky since ancient times."

Clinical response: "Don't worry, you will live a long life."