Little joke! ! ! Urgent! !

Daughter: "Mom, do you like apples?"

Mom: "I like it."

Daughter: "Do you like it very much?"

Mom: "I like it very much."

Daughter: "Then don't buy me an apple."

Mom: "Why?"

Daughter: "You will eat it all on the way."

Careless professor

Professor Foldin is always careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of rubbish into the dustbin outside the building.

In the room, he got on the subway, went to the laboratory, and finally took it home.

The wife was surprised: "What do you have?" Faldyn said, "Oh, I forgot to throw out the garbage."

Yes "

The wife took it and looked even more surprised: "Where did you get a pack of ham?"

get a ride

A naval officer is on the bus, standing next to the driver, not sitting down, so as not to be broken and burned.

Wear a straight uniform. A drunk got on the bus, walked up to the police officer and pulled his sleeve.

Say buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunk insisted, so the official turned and said, "Peng!" "

Friend, I'm not a commander, I'm a naval officer. "

"Then," replied the drunk, "stop the boat. I want to take a bus. "

answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain the flies in my soup?"

The waiter bent down to look at it carefully and replied, "it's swimming, sir." It's swimming. "

burp

The patrolling police found that every 10 meter, a car was going to bump up and down. So, he

Start the motorcycle to catch up and stop the car: "What happened to your car?" The driver is full of fear:

"No, it's nothing, officer. I, I always burp. "

sound of snoring

Little John's father went to bed as soon as it got dark, and the rough and annoying snoring fired little John.

I can't do my homework at all. "Ah! Wake up, wake up! " Little John shook his father hard.

Wake up.

"Bah, I just lie down, what are you yelling about? ! "Old John lost his temper. "I see you played.

Snoring for two hours is really tiring. I hope you sit up and have a good rest. "

Play water polo

An athlete went to eat and saw a big plate of soup on the table with only one bean in it.

Nothing else. He immediately stood up and undressed. When his companion asked him what had happened, he replied:

"I'm going to take off my clothes, jump into the plate and play water polo with that bean."

A ashamed face

An English youth invited his girlfriend to a French restaurant for dinner, but he didn't know French.

I wonder what's on the menu. But he didn't want to appear ignorant in front of his girlfriend, so he pointed to the menu.

A few lines on the table read: "eat these dishes!" " "The waiter looked at the menu and said.

"Sorry, sir, this is a band performance!"

Elephant sandwich

The customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"What about the elephant with a piece of bread in your ear behind you?"

"Sir, what I put in the sandwich is entirely my own business!"

Gangster 1

A condemned man asked Interpol, "What time is it?" % Interpol snapped, "I'm going to die,

Why ask the time? "The prisoner said," this is the event of my life. Remember that this time is very important to me.

It means a lot to me. "

Gangster 2

A gangster listened to the priest's sermon.

The priest said, "It is better to make more friends than to offend one enemy ..."

"I have no enemies." The gangster said.

"Great, why are there no enemies?" "I killed them all!"

Gangster 3

The thief went to church for mass. The priest asked, "What brings you here? You didn't steal the fire this week.

Chicken steak? ""No, not one. "

"Did other chickens steal it?" "No."

"Great, you are one step closer to God."

Whispered, "If he asks me if I stole the duck, I will stay away from God."

Gangster 4

The policeman asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Yes, I remember,

I like peaches best. "said the criminal.

"You know, it's winter and there are no peaches!" The police said.

"Never mind, I can wait."

Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you know singular and plural?"

Nick: "I see."

Teacher: "Tell me, is' pants' singular or plural?"

Nick: "It's singular above and plural below."

worry

The wife said to her husband, "Every time you go out, I am worried." "Dear, don't bear.

Heart, "the husband comforted her," I will come back at any time. " "This is what I'm worried about. "withered

I hope it's blood.

There was a Scotsman walking in the street with a bottle of whisky in his back pocket. Unfortunately, he was killed.

The car knocked down. He stood up and felt in his pocket. He felt a little damp. "ouch!"

He snorted. "I hope it's blood! ! "

Don't eat eggs

The lioness gave birth to a little lion, and the little lion wanted to eat. The bitch gave birth to a puppy, and the puppy came to eat.

"……

"In other words, all mothers have to eat."

Little Tom thought and thought, always looking for a guy who was born not to eat, but he found it three times in a row.

I haven't thought of it for days.

On the fourth day, he finally figured it out. He saw it with his own eyes. This is a fact. He ran to tell the old man.

Teacher: "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but don't eat them!" " "

out of luck

Miss Jenny was on the night shift when she saw a man coming towards her with open hands. "Rogue!" Zhan (Han)

Miss Connie scolded and kicked the man in the stomach. With a bang, the man shouted, "Oh, my God!

That! The third piece of glass still can't be taken home! "

Things succeed or fail.

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the trunk, "I'm here to smoke a cigarette to get in your way."

Really? The lady said kindly to him, "No, you are as good as at home." "The gentleman will accept it immediately.

Back in the cigarette case, he sighed and said, "Still can't smoke!"

A new chapter in morality

"Dad, what is morality?"

"What is morality? Wait, how do you explain this? For example, someone put a thousand pictures in it.

Gehrig left his wallet in the shop, and I found it. Should I keep the money alone or sell it with him?

Share the goods equally? It's called morality. "

It's hard to get

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability, I can only go to prison for half a year."

Prison, then you will get an extra 1000 yuan reward. "The defendant finally understood.

While collecting money, the lawyer said, "This is really a hard job. Originally, the judge wanted to be acquitted. "

Put it on. "

Become very conceited

The father of the triplets called the newspaper to report the good news. The reporter who answered the phone didn't hear you clearly.

"Would you please repeat that?" He asked. The proud father replied, "Yes, yes,no."

But I don't want any more!

hard-earned

Someone invited a friend to his house for dinner. The friend asked, "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going?"

Dinner? "

"Of course I know. I argued with her about it all afternoon! "

Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse.

Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat when I was walking." I'll get you one.

Come on, okay? "

Woman: "Then you have to hurry, there is a mouse in the kitchen at the moment."

Wait a minute.

A man asked God, "Great God, in your eyes, a thousand years is time."

What are you wearing? "

God replied, "It only means one minute."

"Almighty God, what does ten thousand gold coins mean in your eyes?"

"It just means a penny."

"Merciful God, please give me a penny!"

"Well, poor man, please wait!"

hell

After Bill Gates died, he came to the gate of heaven.

Well, you can choose whether to go to heaven or hell. Check it first, and then

The third possibility

The nurse said to the parturient, "Your husband called to ask if he was having a son or a daughter?" "Please.

Ask him if there is a third possibility. "……

Tv bug

Ferguson likes watching TV very much. His classmates looked for him in their spare time and nine times out of ten saw him sitting on the phone.

In front of the TV, so everyone called him "TV nerd".

No, the literature teacher announced in class that day: "I suggest you watch the eclipse tonight."

Gerson immediately asked, "What channel?"

TV fan

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot is ill. Don't eat or drink. Take it to the vet for consultation.

After the break, I said nothing was wrong. The vet asked Uncle Martin if there was any serious accident at home, which made him feel like a parrot.

Uneasy. Martin said that the only thing that happened was that the TV set was repaired.

"Get it back quickly," said the vet.

Sure enough, as soon as the TV set was brought back, the parrot's appetite recovered.

The rules in the shop

Manager: Remember, the rule of this store is that the customer is always right. Now tell me, just.

What did the gentleman say?

Shop assistant: He only said one thing-your manager is a big idiot.

fish

Patrol: Fishing is prohibited here, and it will be fined 20. Fisherman: I'm not fishing, I'm teaching earthworms.

Swimming.

Policeman: Really? Let me see.

Fisherman: Look.

Patrol: swimming naked, fined 50.

Change it.

The future father-in-law said to Pierre, "I agree to marry my daughter to you, the marriage of 60 thousand marks."

I'll deposit the cosmetics in the bank for you. "

Pierre said sadly, "You'd better give me 60 thousand marks and deposit your daughter in the bank."

Inches "

Overlapping quilt

Instructor: Kameda, why is your quilt always worse than Yamamoto's?

Kameda: Sir, Yamamoto made tofu before joining the army, and I made steamed bread with flower rolls before joining the army.

Yes

bullfighter

A matador is drinking in the country. His friends advised him not to drink too much, but he drank until he was brave.

Stumbling uncontrollably, and then taking a shortcut to the arena, there is already a bull lying on the field. bullfighter

At once, he put down his horn and fought fiercely with them. Finally, the bull ran away. Later, the matador followed his friend.

He said, "I really drank a little too much just now, otherwise I would have to drag the child off the bike."

But! ! "

Reading and curing diseases

A: "Where have you been all these years?"

B: "to the medical university."

A: "Then your illness must be cured."

take a risk

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before gambling, they said to John, "Go and see if there is one outside the door."

No police. "

John walked for ten minutes and came in panting and said, "There is no police outside the door, so there is no police station."

So I went to the station and called one! "

target

I came to you to propose to your daughter. Said the young suitor.

Have you talked to my wife? Father asked.

Yes, but I prefer to marry your daughter.

Make unnecessary moves

A swimmer swam across the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him.

Male ... A Jew came up and asked inexplicably, "You didn't know there were ships sailing here."

Really? "

The more the better.

A speeding car was stopped by a police patrol car. The policeman took notes and said to the driver.

"You will get a speeding ticket because your speed has just exceeded 60 miles."

The machine immediately said:

"Sir, would you please write down one hundred miles? You know, I'm going to sell this car.

So what! "

Years later

She (gently): "Dear, when did you first find yourself in love with me?"

He (angrily): "When people say you are stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy!" " "

Crocodile's big mouth

The keeper of the zoo stood in front of the crocodile with his mouth wide open and kept pushing it into his mouth.

Look at that.

Passers-by tourists asked, "What happened to the crocodile?" The administrator said, "I don't know yet. The doctor noticed him.

I went to my mouth and didn't come out for half an hour. "

crocodile skin shoes

Customer: "I want to buy a pair of crocodile shoes."

Shop assistant: "OK, madam, what size shoes do you want to wear for that crocodile?"

A loving couple

Once upon a time, there was a king who lived in an ideal city. Before entering the city, he issued an order: Enter the city.

All women can avoid death and leave the city with their most valuable things before dawn tomorrow.

Chi, the king guarantees their safety. At dawn the next day, I saw all the women in the city carrying them on their backs.

Carrying heavy burdens one by one, they were so tired that they sweated and walked out of the city gate out of breath. origin

Come on, it's all behind my husband's back.

Common sense of children

The wife of the drama director of Radio Delhi took the children to the zoo. All of a sudden, kid

Seeing a fat and big cat, I asked, "Mom, is this a husband or a wife?"

The director's wife was embarrassed and didn't know how to answer the children's questions. At this time, the child since

I have made a judgment: "Mom, I know. This cat is a husband! "

"Why?" Mother asked in surprise.

"I just gave it a hard twist, but it didn't bark or jump. It just lowered its head and said,

Say nothing. "

voucher of purchase

Morocco had a delicious lunch in a restaurant, and had to pay a ruble, but he couldn't even get a Gaby.

No, so he asked the shopkeeper, "Please tell me if someone hit someone here."

How much will he be fined if he slaps his face and the lawsuit goes to court? "

"I think it's five rubles!"

"Well," Morocco said, "please give me a slap in the face and give me the remaining four rubles.

Boss! "

invent

The Italian said to the Jew, "We found the cable underground in ancient Rome, which made me understand."

Our ancestors invented telephone communication. "

Jew: "Do you know what you found in Jerusalem?"

Italian: "What?" Jew: "Nothing was found."

Italian: "Huh?" Jew: "That shows that our ancestors invented nothingness."

Line electricity. "

legal ground

Other families are remembered for calling others pigs. The court sentenced him to 70 rubles.

"This is so unfair!" Don't cry "Last time I swore, my family was a pig."

A fine of thirty rubles! "

The judge plausibly shouted, "Don't you know that the price of pork has already gone up?"

refute

Klaus hobbled out of the hotel drunk. "Oh, my God", a friend standing at the door.

Usalz shouted, "You're wearing your hat backwards!" "How to wear it backwards?"

Klaus retorted, "You have no idea which direction I want to go!"

Oppose marriage

An old man and a beautiful young girl fell in love, but the old man didn't anyway.

Willing to marry her.

Honey, I can't marry you, he told her gently. Mom and dad will object.

What! Are your parents still alive at your age?

No, it isn't, he corrected. I mean father's timing and mother's nature.

Think about it.

"If you earn as much as God of Wealth, what will you do?"

"What will happen to the God of Wealth if he earns as much as I do?"

reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom, and his hair stood straight. When the teacher asked what had happened, Joe said:

"This is the reaction of hair gel." The next day, Joe came into the classroom cheerfully, and the teacher asked

Joe said,' this is my father's reaction to hair gel.'

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, sales were extremely low, and the manager reprimanded our sales staff.

Tao: "I have seen and heard enough about your work level and reasons." If you can't do it,

In this job, someone will replace you and sell these valuable things that each of you should be proud of.

Products. Then, he said to his new employee, a retired football player, "If a football.

What happens if the team can't win? Players must be replaced, shouldn't they? ! "A few seconds of silence.

Later, the former football player replied, "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble."

We usually get a new coach.

The slogan on the roof

A film studio built next to the airport, in order to avoid the interference of plane sound, is on the roof.

Wrote a big slogan: "Please be quiet!" Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, the slogan brought more noise, because all pilots wanted to see the room clearly.

What does it say? Competition makes the plane fly lower.

Angry robber

The shopkeeper was picked up from bed by robbers in the middle of the night. The robber was carrying a sharp knife. Ah!

Severely threatened: "Give me all the money."

The little boss said with grievance: "There is really no way. Last night, your colleague came to put all the money. "

Took it. "

The robber roared angrily, "Why didn't you lock the door?"

Rheumatoid patients

Patient: "Do you remember? Last year, you showed me rheumatism, and you told me to avoid it.

Wet. "

Doctor: "Yes. What do you want to see now? "

Patient: "I wonder if I can take a bath now?"

Division of labor between husband and wife

Tomu said to his friend, "Pierre, there is a division of labor in our family. I am in charge of several things. I "

Ma 'am, she also manages some things. ""Tom, what are you in charge of? " "I am in charge of children and servants.

People. ""What about your wife? " "She cares about money and me! "

Get his son.

Beautiful Egyptian female spy, returning from Israel, reported to Cairo headquarters. "I see.

General Dai Yang's latest attack plan was stolen from his desk, not only like

At this point, I also caught his son ... ""Great! " The Egyptian general shouted, "Where is it? I

The children asked him questions at once. ""no! " The female spy said, "We have to wait another ten months. "

Father and daughter share happiness.

Father asked Natasha, "You didn't attend class yesterday. Where have you been? "

"I went to the opera with a classmate." Natasha answered without hesitation.

"How can I go to the opera during school hours?" Father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me in the theater."

Father's parting

"What's the difference between Baron Calder, Emperor Qian Wei II and Tsar Nicholas II?

Really? "

"Yes, Calder has a rich father; Qian Wei II had an evil father.

Pro Tsar Nicholas II has a cruel father. "

Father-son letter

Harry wrote a letter to his father in boarding school. The whole letter has only six words:

"No money, boring. Son. " A week later, he received a reply, the content is:

"How bad, how sad. Father. "

Then go to see a doctor

Bill knows that it costs three yuan to see a doctor for the first time and one yuan for the second time.

So he went into the clinic and said to the doctor, "I'm here again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time."

dry-clean

The professor was sitting in the bathtub, and his wife asked strangely, "Why did you take a bath with your clothes on?" teach

Only then did he realize that he had not taken off his clothes. He was just about to jump out when he suddenly calmed down: "Nothing,

Fortunately, I forgot to put water in the bathtub beforehand. "

Willing to fail and accept punishment

"Blau, I pour a can of water on you, and your clothes won't get wet. Can you believe it? "

"Nonsense, how is that possible!"

"How about we bet a crown?"

Glen called a can of water and poured it on Blau's head. Blau shouted, "Stop, stop,

Stop. My clothes are all wet! "

"Then even if I lose!"

sigh with emotion

After watching the TV movie describing the story of the inventor Edison, the wife said to her husband, "Dear.

Yes, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light, we would still have to watch TV by candlelight.

Yes "

God bless (you)

The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse only knows the language of the church: barking."

"Thank God," he ran and shouted "Praise God" before stopping. "Farmers who buy horses will be skeptical.

He tried to say "Thank God" and the horse ran faster and faster at once. Just to escape.

On the edge of the cliff, the frightened farmer remembered the password of "Praise God" to stop it. Sure enough,

The horse stopped, and the farmer who survived the accident gave a long sigh: "Thank God ..."

golf

An old but still energetic golfer asked what was in the wizard's paradise.

Is there a golf course? The guide said he would check it out and give him an answer the next day.

The next day, the old man came again. The wizard said, "I got good news and bad news."

The old man said, "Tell me the good news first." "There is a wide golf course in heaven" wizard

Go ahead. "This stadium is covered with green lawn and equipped with the best equipment." The old man then asked, "Now?

Tell me the bad news. "The wizard said," It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning! "

expert

"My husband is good at gambling." "So is my husband!"

"He won the first time he bought a horse racing ticket, and/kloc-0 won 300,000 yuan."

"My husband is even worse. He just paid a life insurance premium and won back 30 million immediately.

Yuan. "

It's too early to be happy

A young man wanted to enlist in the army, and the ophthalmologist in the military hospital checked his eyesight, so the young man met him.

Admit that you are nearsighted when you are examined. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right.

It's myopia. "The young man was very happy to hear this sentence.

"Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No. ...

I wrote that I could take part in hand-to-hand combat.

Wise move

A beggar said to a woman in the street, "madam, give me the money quickly." Think about it, if this

What happens if the water in the water gun washes away the makeup on your face? "

Inform on (sb)

Woman A: "She told me that you told her the secret that I told you you wouldn't tell her."

Secret "Female B:" Oh, I specifically told her not to let her tell you that I told her. "

Woman A: "God, don't tell her what she told me. I told you."

next door

Two vagrants were accused of being a public nuisance in the city. The judge asked one of them, "Where do you live?"

The tramp said, "Streets, squares, underpasses, stations …" The judge was not satisfied with his answer.

So he asked another person, "Where do you live?" The man said, "Me? I live here.

It's next to his house. "

Overnight meal

The beggar asked a wife for food, and the wife asked, do you eat overnight dishes?

Eat, of course! Come tomorrow, then.

Everyone sticks to his point of view.

A car knocked down a pedestrian, and the driver said, "It's not my fault. I always drive. "

Be careful, I have been driving for five years. ""what? Does this mean that I am wrong? You have been driving for five years.

What's so rare? You know, I've been walking for fifty years! "

replace

The messenger who was very dissatisfied with the customer said, "Why doesn't your crab have claws?" Messenger de

Meaning: "This shows that the crab is alive, which is the result of its struggle in the kitchen just now."

Customer: "well, please replace me with a winner who just fought."

supply electricity

Malaysia Electric Power Company sent people to investigate after supplying power in a village with inconvenient transportation.

The clerk went to visit the residents and asked them if it was convenient after the power supply.

An old lady said, "I thank you very much." I will find a match to light an oil lamp in the future, never again. "

It will get dark. "

* * * Similarities

Two friends are chatting together. They talk about novels and poems.

One of them said that he found that Russian novelists and poets have one thing in common, which is found in every category.

Reflected in the works.

"What's that?" Asked the other.

"Their works are all arranged in 33 letters according to different rules."

bark

Late at night, Ito's family suddenly called. A woman's angry voice came from the phone.

Voice: "Your dog keeps me awake!" " "."Who are you? "Asked ITO. correct

Fang said his name. At the same time the next night, her phone rang.

Ito's voice came from the receiver: "I'm sorry, dear wife, I'm glad to inform you that I"

I have never had a dog in my family. "

Dog eyes

A man with a dog said angrily to the owner of the pet shop:

"You sell this dog to me as a doorman. Last night, a thief came into my house and stole my 300 yuan money, but

The dog didn't even say a word. "

The boss immediately replied, "The dog's previous owner was a millionaire, so I bought it for 300 yuan."

Don't care at all. "

Lonely and helpless

Peter stood at the corner of the road, crying sadly.

"Why are you crying?" A kind old woman asked.

"I'm lost."

"Where do you live?"

I don't know. We moved today. "

"What's your name?"

I don't know. Mom got married today. "

Cuba

Husband came home unexpectedly and saw the ashtray by the bed? There are still cigars, full of them.

Staring at cigars suspiciously and growling at his wife shivering at the bedside, where did this come from?

After a silence, a trembling man's voice came from the closet, Cuba. ...

encourage

The head nurse stopped a wife who ran out of the operating room in a panic and asked strangely, "It happened."

What's the matter? Why did you run out? "

"As soon as I entered, I heard the nurse say,' Be brave, don't be afraid! Appendiceal surgery is very simple

Yes ""that's not bad! "

"But she said it to the doctor who is going to operate on me!"

customer

A customer angrily ran into the tailor's shop, pointed to the fashion designed by the owner and said, "I'm standing here."

Yawning on the street corner, two people stuffed the letter into my mouth! "

View paintings

A painter held a solo exhibition. A lady came to the exhibition room and stood in front of a painting to study it.

After a long time, she said, "If only I could know the author of this painting!" " "Stand aside.

The painter came up and said, "Madam, I am the author." The lady said, "This painting is great! you

Can you tell me who is the tailor who made the skirt for the lady in the photo? "

advertisement

Advertisement of a cosmetics company in France: All women who buy our perfume can get it for free.

Take a copy of Women's Self-Defense.

I don't know who you are.

Kennedy gambled with others and lost miserably. After a little thought, he said to himself, "All right, I'll let it go."

The most precious thing is that life hangs by a thread. "

The gambler asked quickly, "What good things? Take it out and see! "

Kennedy took out his heart and shouted, "I bet my life!" " "

The gambler burst into laughter: "What is the value of life? We have been dead for a long time! "

valuables

The father held his five-year-old son in his lap and watched the basketball game with rapt attention. Children watch sports.

The players returned to the state of revolutionary grabbing the ball and asked, "Dad, basketball must be very expensive, right?" Dad was surprised.

Whispered, "Honey, what makes you think that?" The child said, "If it's not expensive, why do you want them?"

Doesn't everyone buy one? "