Do you have any good jokes? Tell me a few and listen.

Couples

The "Four Nos" Obstacles

A friend was widowed in middle age, and someone asked him why he had not renewed his marriage. He said:

"I have 'four things' that make it difficult for me to get married again. These 'four things' are: my income is not big, my expenses are not small, I don't have much property, and I don't have children." Quite a few."

Hair care tips

A: "Why, your hair has fallen out? You haven't thought about how to protect it

”

B: “Yes, I am filing for divorce.”

A quarrel agreement

A woman said to her friend: “My husband and I have an affair. The agreement is that after the quarrel, you must make peace before going to bed. "Can you really abide by this agreement?" asked the friend.

"Yes. Once, we didn't sleep for two weeks

!"

"Go to work"

A: "What's the same language between you and your wife?"

B: "'Go to work!'"

Disadvantages of breast milk

Husband: "Medical books say that breastfeeding has many advantages."

Wife: "You also grew up with breast milk?"

Husband: "Yes!"

Wife: "Look, the shortcomings have come out. You are just like your mother.

You are so arrogant!"

You don't understand fashion

On a whim, my wife went to a beauty salon to dye the hair on her forehead red to keep up with the fashion. On the way home, her hair really attracted attention, and she couldn't help but feel proud.

When she got home, her husband's attitude disappointed her greatly. He walked up to her and asked seriously: "Is your hair stained with paint?"

There is nothing to say

Person A: "In order to make my wife happy, I quit smoking, drinking, and gambling."

Person B: "Then she must be very happy."

Person A: " Now every time she wants to talk to me, she feels like she has nothing to say

”

No need to ask again

The wife said to her husband with tears streaming down her face. : "You don't love me anymore. When you see

I cry, you don't ask why!"

"I'm sorry, I have learned that it is not worthwhile to ask this question."

End

Two women chatted together.

Person A: "Well, I have been engaged to him for three years. Three wonderful years are now over

."

Person B: "Why, Did he dump you?"

A: "No, we are married."

Time concept

My husband has become less and less time conscious recently. He went out of town on Monday morning and promised his wife to come home on Tuesday night. I didn't go home on Tuesday, and there was no news on Wednesday. Thursday passed by in a hurry, and Friday was still like a stone. On Saturday, the anxious wife had no choice but to send him a telegram: "If

he is dead, please inform him immediately so that he can remarry as soon as possible."

That makes sense

A : "My wife is very picky and I just can't stand it."

Person B: "Is she always like this?"

Person A: "Of course."

B: "I can't see, otherwise how could she pick you?"

Worried

A: "I'm very worried about my wife's memory.

”

B: “Why?” Has she lost her memory? ”

A: “On the contrary, she remembers everything too clearly. "

The Milk Seller

When John came back from a business trip, he suspected that his wife Hongxing was cheating on her and was behaving inappropriately, so he immediately asked the apartment manager for information.

"Has anyone come to see my wife, such as a man you don't know,

or any other man? "

"No, only a man selling milk came yesterday. "

"That's it, then I'll be relieved. "John breathed a sigh of relief.

"But he hasn't come down yet! "

The wife's complaint

An old couple who have been married for forty years are talking.

The wife complained: "You are not as good to me as before. You used to

sit right next to me. ”

The husband replied: “This is easy to handle.” "Then he moved to sit next to her.

"But you always hugged me tightly in the past. "

"Is this good? " He hugged his wife's neck.

"Do you still remember how you kissed my neck and bit my ears before?

"

He jumped up and walked out of the room.

His wife asked: "Where are you going? "

The husband replied: "I have to get my dentures. "

Unexpected discovery

A woman planned to divorce her husband, and she entrusted a lawyer to handle the matter. The lawyer asked her: "Madam, what are you doing? Did you find out that your husband no longer loves you? "

The lady said sadly: "Last summer. At that time, I accidentally fell

into the cellar, but my husband not only didn’t ask me if it hurt, but also yelled at me to fetch some wine for him from the cellar. "

A wife is like a fisherman

A: "I heard that my ex-wife now regrets divorcing me. ”

B: “There’s nothing strange about this.” Wives are like fishermen. They don't appreciate the fish they caught, but brag about the ones that slipped away. ”

Regret the original time

To celebrate the twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, Bauman specially invited relatives and friends to celebrate at

home.

Guests Everyone was here, but the man was nowhere to be found.

Later, someone found him in the study, drinking by himself.

“Brother! "My friend Hans asked, "What's going on? "Why don't you, brother, be happy with everyone in the front hall, but hide here alone and drink?"

"Oh! Forget it." He said in frustration, "Of course When I had only been married for five years

I wanted to leave my wife and asked a lawyer for advice, but he warned

that if I wanted to divorce, I would have to bear the burden for at least twenty years. alimony! 'Think about it for me, if I had been braver back then, wouldn't I be free today

"

Courage?

At night, a couple sleeping in bed suddenly heard a noise in the corner of the house.

Wife: "Get up and take a look, maybe it's a thief?"

Husband: "I don't dare to go."

Wife: "Hmph ! A man with no courage at all.”

Husband: “I don’t have the courage! Otherwise, I would already have a lover.”

"

Who do you suspect?

The husband angrily said to his wife: "Which kid stole the money in my wallet

. "

The wife said disapprovingly: "How can you doubt your son?

Maybe it was not them who stole the money, but me? ”

“It can’t be you, because not all the money in the wallet was stolen

. ”

Who are you cursing?

There was a beautiful woman who married an ugly man. When this woman was pregnant, she looked at her The husband complained: "If my child looks like you, you should be cursed! Her husband replied: "If my child is not like me, you are the one who deserves the curse!" ”

***Same

Someone asked a woman what she had in her twenty-year-old life with her husband

What do we have in common? She thought about it for a long time and finally answered: "The only thing we have in common is that we got married on the same day in the same year and month. "

Things are different now

A woman filed for divorce with the court on the grounds that: "He doesn't love me as much as

before." The evidence is that they Ten letters from acquaintance, love, marriage to marriage

"When we first met, he called me 'dear'; when we were in love, he called me

p>

As 'dearest'; when we were passionately in love, he called me 'only dear'; but after getting married

he started calling me by my first name. ”

Emotional changes

A: “That boy Asan claimed to us that he would change his mind after we got married

But now he is still a drunkard. Jealous drunkard! ”

B: “But have you paid attention?” He has changed a lot. ”

A: “What’s the change?” ”

Person B: “Before getting married, he drank leisurely wine, but now he drinks boring wine!” "

Every day is like a year

A: "Why are you so well-dressed today? ”

B: “Today is my golden wedding anniversary. ”

A: “Are you kidding? You have only been married for five years. ”

B: “But these five years are like fifty years to me. "

Three Years of Discord

The husband went to court to request a divorce from his wife. He said: "We have been at odds for three years.

"

The judge asked: "How long have you been married? "

The husband replied: "Two years. ”

“Three Obediences and Four Virtues”

A: “How is Mrs. Chen’s conduct?” "

B: It can be said that it is the 'three obediences and four virtues'!"

A: "Seriously?"

B: "If you have money, obey, if you are handsome, obey, if you are young, obey Then from: unable to eat and do anything

not able to move well"

Falling into a misunderstanding

A man ran to the detective agency to protest, and he scolded him. Said: "The detective you

sent to investigate my wife's actions is no longer following her."

"There is such a thing!" an older detective was angry. Said, "Where is that boy now?"

"He is walking with my wife!"

Name

A: "What did people call Mrs. Wang before she got married?"

B: "Mrs. Zhou, Mrs. Lu, Mrs. Lin..."

Two-legged cat

A fisherman's wife was very beautiful, and a young man from the neighbor secretly had an affair with her.

The woman told him to come for trysts at night and use the cat's meow as a secret signal. At night, the young man did come and took the cat's meow as a signal. However, the fisherman did not go out to fish, so the woman deliberately loudly said: "Cat" Son, cat, stop making noise. No one is fishing tonight. Come back tomorrow night."

The young man replied loudly: "Okay!" The fisherman heard it. , told his wife: "This is really a two-legged cat."

Pregnant

The hostess called the maid in front of her and asked her: "You Are you pregnant?"

"Yes!" the maid replied.

Thank you for being able to say it, you are not married yet, don’t you feel ashamed

? "The hostess scolded again.

"Why should I be shy? Madam, aren’t you pregnant too

? ”

“But I am pregnant with my husband’s child!” "The hostess retorted angrily.

"Me too! "The maid agreed happily.

Confused Couple

Person A: "What's wrong with you? What are you unhappy about?" ”

B: “When I went home last night, someone came out and opened the door in the dark. I thought

it was the maid, so I hugged her and kissed her. ”

A: “Haha! Just then, your wife came, right?

Yes? "

B: "It's even worse than this. It turns out that the woman I hugged was

my wife, and she also said: 'Not now! I don't know when my damn ghost will come back. '..."

Confusion

A widow married a young man, and her daughter married the young man's father. In this way Now, their relationship is in trouble

Because her husband has to call her daughter "mom", so she

She became her husband's "grandmother"; but in turn, the widow's daughter became her "mother-in-law". How can a daughter call her daughter-in-law "mother"?

Because in that case, wouldn’t the young man’s father have to call his son “Dad”?

All in all, the relationship between the two families is a mess.

The Secret of Having a Child

Lina had been married for many years and had not been able to conceive a child, so she went to the church to pray.

A year later, she did get a son. Her friend Shasha was very happy for her after learning about it and asked her: "How is it?" I also want to give it a try

I just don’t know if I can do it? "

"Ah! Of course, no problem, as long as the young janitor is still there. ”

Talking the truth after drinking

At a banquet, two half-drunk men were talking in low and vague voices

.

"Hey, there is a woman with dark eyes, black hair, and a slender figure over there.

Did you see it? She is my wife. The blonde sitting next to her is my mistress! "

Wow! That's a coincidence. I'm just the opposite of you."

Everything must be reversed

A beautiful wife told the lawyer that she decided to divorce her husband. The lawyer

asked her: "Do you have any valid reasons?"

"Of course, the reason is that I love him too much.

"

"Strange, since you love him, why do you want to divorce him? ”

“Can you imagine living with a man who cannot ‘betray’?

"

Disagreement

Judge: "Why do you want a divorce? ”

Husband: “We have a disagreement. ”

Judge: “Why is it inconsistent?” ”

Husband: “I want a divorce, but she refuses.” ”

Different paths lead to the same destination

A couple went to a law firm to agree on a divorce.

Wife: “I asked for a divorce because I have said so since we got married

p>

He has never heard the words. "

Husband: "Nonsense! This time you asked me to go to the law firm, didn't I follow you? ! "

Vision

Jason and An Qi are newlyweds.

An Qi: "Dear, where is our marriage certificate? "

Jason: "Don't worry, I have collected it. "

An Qi: "My dear, you are so farsighted. I heard that you must use it

for divorce. ”

Marriage photos

A: “From the wedding photos, you and your wife keep a certain distance.

Why don’t you get closer together? ”

B: “Of course you have to keep a certain distance, so that if you get divorced, you can

cut it easily! ”

Can’t smile

Photographer: “Don’t cry all the time, but smile.” ”

Customer: “I can’t laugh!” ”

Photographer: “Think about your relatives or beautiful things, and you will

laugh. For example, think about your lover! ”

Customer: “I just divorced her. ”

Photographer: “Then you want to get married again!” "

Too expensive

"I want to divorce my husband. "An actress walked into a law firm

and said.

"Okay," the lawyer replied readily, "You give me 20,000 yuan, and I

>

I will complete the divorce procedures for you immediately. "

"What, twenty thousand yuan? "The actress shouted loudly, "It's too expensive

! I'll find someone to shoot him, and they only need 10,000 yuan! "

Shoddy businessman

A: "It's true that these young people were inseparable when they got married. How come

the relationship broke down and they got divorced in less than a year? ”

B: “What a pity!” Their glue is "recycled glue" and their paint

is "external paint". They are all fake and inferior products.

Admit a crime

"Defendant, do you admit a crime?"

"Yes, Mr. Judge, my wife said that as long as I go to jail once,

p>

She agreed to the divorce. ”

Love is not exclusive

A newlywed couple came to the court to apply for divorce. The staff asked the woman why she wanted a divorce, and the woman replied: "He is not devoted to love." When we first fell in love, he repeatedly said that he only loved me in the world

Personally.”

“Who else does he fall in love with?”

“He also falls in love with his father and mother!”

Inscription

The husband said to his wife: "Dear, I am thinking about what is the most appropriate thing to engrave on the stone in front of your grave

.

"

The wife said: "Please engrave the following words: 'Poor widow X

After spending many years of painful widowhood, she finally died in this tomb. Joined her

late husband. '"

Can't remarry

The newly married husband was praising the beauty of the girl next door again. Tai

Tai said sourly: "Then why are you Why not propose to her? "

"She has already introduced you to me, how can I marry her again? "

Better than will

Husband: "After many years of marriage, I found that you are a weak-willed person.

What do you think of me? ”

Wife: “I don’t think you have any will at all. ”

Carefully selected

The wife wants to buy a dress, and the husband goes with her on the street. Every time the wife

asks her husband for his opinion, the husband always says it looks good. , but from eight o'clock in the morning to twelve o'clock, I still didn't buy the clothes I liked. Finally, my wife said impatiently: "You are such a casual person." Convenience! "

The husband replied: "That's how I chose you casually

in the beginning, but you chose me carefully. ”

The Ugliest Portrait

A couple is viewing art works in a museum. The short-sighted wife stands in front of a work and looks at her husband Said: "Look, this is the ugliest portrait I've ever seen in my life. "The husband quickly pulled his wife over and whispered: "Come here, my dear, this is not a portrait, this is a mirror. ”

Explained like this

A certain gentleman had a quarrel with his wife.

A certain gentleman said to his friend: “She is really difficult to get along with. "My friend advised:

"Is there something wrong with you? "A certain gentleman said firmly: "No, I'm the best at getting along with women. You see, I have four girlfriends, and I get along very well with them all. ”

Can’t buy any more

My wife likes the newly bought pair of blackbirds very much. I was cleaning the bird cage that day. By accident, the female bird It flew away. The husband comforted her: "I'll buy another one tomorrow." She immediately objected and said: "My wife just left, how can my husband remarry immediately?" ”

Hide private money

On their way home, a couple was suddenly robbed on the road. A

gangster forced them to hand over their belongings at gunpoint. Money. At this time, the wife was frightened

at a loss, but when she saw her husband calmly taking out his wallet from his underwear bag, she suddenly said angrily: "Okay. Oh, damn you! You actually hid your private money from me. "

Strong-willed

A: "Please smoke. ”

B: “No, I quit.” ”

A: “You are really a strong-willed person. ”

Person B: “No, it’s my wife who is strong-willed.”

She said to me, you either smoke

or want me! Choose one of the two! "

Love to do stupid things

A young couple was walking by the river. The wife suddenly asked her husband: "What if I accidentally fall in?" In the river, are you willing to jump in immediately to save me?

"

The husband said: "Of course! Don't you often complain and say that I like to do stupid things? "

High opinion

The husband said to his wife: "Why did God make women so beautiful

but also so stupid? "

The wife replied: "The truth is very simple. Make us beautiful

and you will love us; make us stupid and we will love you

p>

We. "

Flattery

A couple was watching others dancing in the ballroom. The husband said with emotion:

"This world is really weird, that ugly and stupid person Han happens to have a beautiful wife. The wife smiled and said, "My dear, you are really good at flattering me." ”

Broken in love

Wife: “Because he was lost in love, he later worked hard and achieved what he has achieved today

. "

Husband: "If you hated me at that time, I would still be outstanding today.

"

Worry

A: "I thought you must be worried about your husband going out? ”

B: “Ah! Ever since my family hired that beautiful maid,

I feel uneasy when she is at home! ”

Waiting

The couple went to visit a trendy art exhibition. When they came to

a painting of a naked woman with only a few leaves covering her modesty. In front of the portrait, the husband immediately stood there dumbfounded and didn't want to leave for a long time. The wife couldn't bear it and shouted: "Hey! Do you want to stand until autumn and wait for the leaves to fall? ”