Here comes someone who knows how to tell jokes to make a girl happy.

The elephant was defecating in the middle of the road. An ant happened to be passing by. It looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help singing: Yalasuo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. When you check in at the railway station but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the train will remind you: Wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you are playing tuba by the river but don’t have any paper, don’t worry, the frog will tell you: stick scrape, stick scrape, stick scrape!

27. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit bills with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they took a 15 yuan bill, they bought 1 yuan candied haws. , they cried, and the farmer gave them two pieces worth 7 yuan.

28. Someone’s newly installed phone happened to be returned from a movie theater, so people often called to ask about the movies being shown. At first, he always explained nicely that the phone no longer belonged to the movie theater. It's his now, please don't call again in the future. As time goes by, he feels very annoyed, so when he receives such calls, he simply says: "You dialed the wrong number!" This also saves some saliva. One day, a familiar voice came from the other party: "Excuse me, what movie is showing now?" He said as usual: "You made the wrong number!" After a while of silence, the other party replied: "Is it a domestic film or a foreign film?

29. A man climbed the wall and left the school. He was caught by the principal. The principal asked: Why don't you go through the school gate? The principal replied: Metersbonwe, don't take the ordinary way. The principal asked again: How can you climb over such a high wall? Yes? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, everything is possible.

The principal asked again: What does it feel like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, "Xtep, it feels like flying." On the third day he entered the school from the main entrance, the principal asked: Why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore mixed clothes, and the principal said: You can't wear mixed clothes! , Semir clothing. On the 4th day, he wore a vest to school. The principal said, "Man, just keep it simple. I will give you a serious offense." The principal said: "Why?" Say, M-Zone, I have the final say on my territory.

Life at 30 is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4,000 yuan from me and said he wanted to have plastic surgery. The result is now complete. I don’t know what he has become, Oh 4,000 yuan.

31. Note to robbers: Our staff only understand Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. It is best to bring a translator. Thank you. !

32. Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight! , when I donated blood last time, one hundred milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

34. Tourist: Master, is the thatched house over there a toilet? Monk: Except for that thatched house, the rest are. The place is full of toilets.

35. The hair is gone and the dandruff is even worse!

36. We should keep quiet when listening to sermons in church. It is very harmful to disturb others’ sleep. It's impolite.

37. Yesterday I signed up for a weight loss training class and they asked me to wear loose clothes during the training. Why did I sign up if there were still loose clothes?

38. My wife and I have not spoken for 18 months, and I have no chance to interrupt her.

39. Thief A: Count how much money you robbed today? Thief B: No, you will know after reading the newspaper tomorrow.

40. Stand higher and pee further

41. Go your own way and let others take a taxi. .

42. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own way, let them find it.

43. Late one night, a young woman was passing by a mental hospital when someone came from behind. There was a "Wow" sound. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman was so scared that she ran away, and the man behind her was chasing her. No, there was a dead end in front of her. The woman was desperate and knelt down. He was crying and begging on the ground: "You can do whatever you want, I just ask you not to kill me.

The man smiled slyly and said, "Really?" Then now you start chasing me. "

44. At a literary evening, the host came on stage to announce: Please enjoy: Xinjiang singing and dancing, lift your skull! The whole place was silent and creepy!!! Cold~~~

45. If a tiger doesn’t send a cat, you think I’m critically ill!

46. When a person in our dormitory drinks too much, he goes to pee and then makes a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much alcohol! ．

47. When I went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister, my sister asked: "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?" "

48. Someone once came to my aunt's house as a guest. I just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said: "You guys sit down, sit down, I will go to the toilet to pour some for you. Have tea! "

49. When I was in college, a classmate was arguing with me. I was at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, he slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid! I spit on your face

50. When I was young, people who sold popsicles and ice cream usually pushed bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt in the house shouting: New ice cream, hot. (I guess the aunt used to sell fried cakes and dough sticks)

51. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, “Do you think I grew up eating? "I've always wondered what he ate growing up."

52. Once when I asked for a song at a KTV, a girl shouted loudly: Please order me a song called "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun.

53. One day in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit ran from a distance. Seeing all this, he came over and said: Fox, fox, how can you smoke marijuana? It’s harmful to the body. No, look, the air is so fresh, come and run with me. The fox thought it was right, so he ran with the little rabbit. As they ran, they saw the elephant taking heroin. The little rabbit ran over and said to the elephant: Elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look. The air is so fresh, come run with me. The elephant was right, just the two of them were running together. As I was running, I saw the lion rolling up his sleeves and about to inject heroin. The little rabbit shouted to the lion from a distance: Lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look at how fresh the air is. Come run with me... . The lion put down the syringe and rushed over, giving the little rabbit a slap in the face. The elephant said to the lion tremblingly: "Why are you hitting the little rabbit? He doesn't want us to hurt him!" The lion said: Ever since the rabbit took ecstasy, he asked me to run with him every day!

54. In summer, a giraffe met a rabbit. She proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: Ah, little rabbit, do you know how nice it is to have a long neck? Do you know how fresh and sweet those top leaves are? Do you know what it feels like to drink water in the summer? The refreshing water slowly passed through her neck. Rabbit glanced at her and only said: "Have you tried vomiting?"

55. One time my brother hit me and made my head bulge. A bag. Later, my brother wanted to pack stuff and couldn't find the bag, so he took the bag on my head to hold the stuff.

56. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who played ball for a long time. He said: I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened.

57. Once upon a time, there were two snowmen. One snowman said: I am so cold. The other said: I am also very cold. The other said: Let us hug each other, so they hugged each other. together. Guess what happened next? Then they were freezing to death.

58. When I was young, I was dishonest about eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: Sixty years of hard work, no food, and I never threw away the boogers I picked out

59. There was a rich man looking for a servant. The interview topic was to use the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands after using the toilet. The rich man sent them away. Only one of them washed his hands, so the rich man kept him. .But one day, the rich man found that he came out without washing his hands. The rich man asked him why? The servant replied: "I brought toilet paper today..."

60. A man saw a store There was a big sale, so I walked in. "What are you buying?" "I want to buy dog ??food." "We have a rule that you have to prove you have a dog.

"Where is such a provision?" “That’s what it’s like with sale items. "The man spent a long time with the salesperson, but the salesperson still refused to sell it to him. There was nothing he could do. The man had to go home and bring the dog with him, and then he bought the dog food. A few days later, the man went to the store again to buy cat food. "Give it to me. Two boxes of cat food. “We have a rule that you have to prove you have a cat. "It was the same salesperson, and the man spent another long time with her, but in the end he had to go home and bring the cat with him before buying cat food. A few days later, the man came to the store carrying a large cardboard box with a hole dug out. Go to the salesperson and ask, "What do you want to buy?" “You’ll know it when you put your hand in it. The salesperson put his hand in and said, "What is it? It's sticky." "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper." ”

61. A man took a friend to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friend started eating peanuts on the coffee table and finished them all by the time they left. At that time, his friend said to grandma: "Thank you for the peanuts" and grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Since I lost all my teeth, I can only suck off the outer chocolate layer of them. Old, cough." . .

62. Someone liked the dish "Spicy Vermicelli Pot". Once, he ordered this dish again, but the waiter told him that it was sold out. Is it really sold out?" he asked disappointedly. "Sir, it is really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. "The waiter replied. The man followed the waiter's instructions and saw a very respectable gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman had almost eaten his meal, but the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" was still full. The man He felt that the gentleman was wasting delicious food, so he walked up to the gentleman, pointed to the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" and asked politely: "Sir, do you want more of this?" "The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he was halfway through the meal, and suddenly he found a very small but full-furred one lying at the bottom of the casserole. The little mouse felt disgusted and vomited all the vermicelli he had eaten back into the casserole. When he was turning his stomach, the gentleman looked at him with sympathy and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" It's the same..."

63. On this day, the hotel owner was patrolling the lobby. A beggar came up and said, "Can I give you a toothpick, boss?" "The boss sent him away. After a while, another beggar came and asked for toothpicks. The boss thought to himself, why did the beggar ask for toothpicks instead of rice? He also sent him away, not too old, and again A beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to ask for toothpicks too?" The beggar said: "Someone vomited, but I was a step too late. The two beggars in front had already eaten everything I could eat. Now only the soup is left." Can you give me a straw?

64. The eldest and second child were on a plane, and the second child got airsick and kept vomiting. One bag was full of vomit, so the boss had to go get it. When he came back, he found that everyone on the plane was vomiting. The eldest brother asked the reason and the second son said, "I saw that this bag was also full of vomiting, so I had to drink half of the bag, and they all vomited."

65. A priest is playing golf. , a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, missed the shot!" Hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD, missed the shot again!" The nun said: "As a priest, you God will punish you for swearing." As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, the voice of God was heard from the sky: "TMD, I missed the shot too!"

66. The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God about their respective football teams. Only when will it take time to win the World Cup, God said: South Korea will need 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. God said again: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. The Chinese coach quickly asked: Where are we? God cried loudly: I can’t see him anymore.

67. Three little white rabbits picked a mushroom

The two older ones asked the younger one to get some wild vegetables to eat together

The younger one said I If you don’t go, you will eat my mushrooms when I leave

The two older ones said they can’t do it and don’t worry, so the little white rabbit went~~~

Half a year passed. The little white rabbit hasn't come back yet, and the big one says it won't come back, let's eat it. The other big one said, "Wait a little longer~~~" A year has passed and the little white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The two big ones discussed, "No need to wait, let's eat." At this moment, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the jungle nearby and said angrily! I knew you were going to eat my mushrooms

68. We say that a bear without a tail is called a koala. So what do we call a bear without a penis? The answer is a female bear, because a female bear does not have a penis in the first place

69. In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven

Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: "Do you know music?"

Xiao Hua: "Yes"

Xiao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?" ”

Xiaohua: “Piano.”

70. Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.

The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.

Squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test!

Then the man grilled the squid

71. Xiao Ming lost a leg in a car accident,

Xiao Ming lost another leg in a car accident One leg

Xiao Ming lost his other leg in another car accident

Xiao Ming lost his other leg in another car accident

It screamed in pain Shouting and shouting~~~~~It’s so pitiful

In fact, Xiao Ming is a dog

72. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl: "Why does the plane fly?" How can you not hit the stars even if you are so high?"

The little girl replied: "I know, because the stars will 'flicker'!"

73. There was a hot day While playing mahjong, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue fighting. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable. One person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan, it's too hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on. Turning it on will blow out the candle. Dizzy=="

74. When I was in college, a classmate of mine had just bought a mobile phone and applied for a mobile card. He called the 1860 manned desk to ask, and he was excited: "Can I ask about your local transmission service..." From the hands-free, we unexpectedly The whole dormitory burst into laughter when I heard the receptionist say politely: "Our local transportation business..."

75. On the factory bus at work, MM asked me: "My computer is not working anymore. It keeps dying." I said: "Then you go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the anti-virus software."

Early the next morning, I saw MM again in the car. I asked casually: "Have you checked? How about it?" Then MM said loudly: "I'm so angry. Check." After waiting for a long time, he said he didn’t have syphilis. What do you think should be done?

76. A mentally ill patient screamed: I am the president, you all must listen to me!

The attending doctor asked him: Who said that?

Patient: God said so.

Hearing this, a patient next to him suddenly jumped up: I never said that!

77. There is a family, and the whole family is very lazy. The father asked the mother to do housework. If the mother didn’t want to do it, she would ask the eldest sister to do it. If the eldest sister didn’t want to do it, she would ask the younger sister to do it. But the younger sister didn’t want to do it either, so she would ask the puppy to do it. One day a guest came to the house and found the puppy doing housework. It was very strange. surprise. Asked the puppy: "Puppy, can you do housework?" The puppy said: "No way, they don't do it, they ask me to do it."

The guests are even more surprised, you can talk!!! Puppy: Shhh! Keep your voice down, otherwise they will know that I can talk and ask me to answer the phone again...!!

78. Lele Youtian He went to the zoo to feed the monkeys...throwing peanuts to the monkeys...but there was a monkey who would stuff peanuts into his butt every time...and then take them out to eat...Lele felt disgusted and ran to ask the director...why that monkey had This kind of strange behavior... The director explained: Because last year, a person threw a big peach for him to eat. As a result, the big peach's seeds could not be smoothly discharged from the buttocks... He suffered miserably... so he must first do it now. Put the food into your butt and measure it. Make sure it can be pulled out before you dare to eat...

79. Demon King: "Princess, if you scream, no one will come to save you!"

Princess: "Broken throat!"

No one: "Princess! I'm here to save you!"

Devil: "What the hell..."

Ghost: "Who discovered me?"

Who: "What does it have to do with me?"

The devil is dead! !

80. Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat. One day, the white cat fell into the water. The black cat rescued it. The white cat said something to the black cat

Excuse me...what is this sentence? Answer: Meow...

81. The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many"

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there are still none."

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: "Yes. Yes, we have a hundred buns today!”

Little White Rabbit took out the money: “Great, I’ll buy two!”

82. Team: Where is the fire?

Caller: My house.

Fire brigade: Where is it?

Caller: In the kitchen.

Fire brigade: I mean how do we get there?

Caller: Don’t you have a fire truck? !

83. The coffee cup and the water cup were crossing the road together. At this time, an old man shouted, "Be careful, it's a red light now." But after a while, the coffee cup passed smoothly. I walked onto the road, but my water glass was hit by a truck and water poured into it. Why? Because the coffee cup has "ears", the water cup does not.

84. Two tomatoes went shopping. The first tomato suddenly walked very fast, and the second tomato asked: "Where are we going?" The first tomato did not answer, and the second tomato Asked again. The first tomato didn't answer yet, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned around slowly and said: Aren't we tomatoes? Can we talk?

85. Xiao Ming and his classmates guessed "Andy Lau"

Xiao Ming shouted loudly: "He is one of the Four Heavenly Kings!"

The classmate said confidently without hesitation: I know it is "Sun Wukong!"

86. The little penguin asked his grandma one day, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes." "Of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?" ”

87. Three college students were kidnapped.

The bad guys tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Where are you from?" If you don’t tell me, I’ll electrocute you! College student A: I am from Jiaotong University, College student B: I am from Peking University, College student C: I am from Radio and Television University (Electric Power University)! As a result, he was electrocuted to death....Han~~~

88. Once upon a time, a horse entered a bar, sat at the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of wine. The waiter said: You His face is so long...

89. The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried, hugged the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, please strangle me to death! It's so damn scary...

90. Three people were competing in marksmanship, with a black man holding something as a target.

The first man placed an apple on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the apple to pieces 10 meters away. He blew the gun and said: I 'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then, 50 meters away, he raised his hand and shot the cherry to pieces. He blew on the muzzle of the gun and said: I' m007

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man’s head, then raised his hand and shot the black man’s head from a distance of 100 meters, and he also blew The muzzle said: I'm sorry

91. Xiao Wang works in the personnel department on the 10th floor. A month ago, he was transferred to the administrative department on the 9th floor... Today, classmate Xiao Wang Called the HR department to find him: "Is Xiao Wang here?"

The colleague who answered the phone said: "Xiao Wang is no longer in the HR department."

Classmate Xiao Wang: "Ah! ?, when did it happen? Why didn’t I know? I haven’t had time to send him off yet?”

“It doesn’t matter, you can go find him below.”

92. Wife Flower She spent a lot of money on plastic surgery and returned home a beautiful woman in a few days! When he entered the door, he said to his confused husband: "What? You don't recognize me?" The husband was stunned for a moment, and then said in surprise: "Come in quickly, my wife is not at home."

93.1 A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man walking towards her with open arms, making a hug, and then stepped forward and kicked her. The man fell to the ground and cried loudly, saying: He is already a third piece, I have offended someone, bring a piece of glass. Is it so difficult to go home?

94. I was chatting with a group of female colleagues this afternoon. Suddenly someone said that I was not a man. The girls all laughed, but one of them was the best and said, "Just take it out and I'll take out my ID card"

95. A little boy went to the countryside to spend the holidays with his relatives. His relatives lived on a farm, and the children played happily and saw many things they had never seen before. When he got home, he told his mother everything. He said the one that impressed him most was a sow with her piglets.

What does a sow do? The child said: "The piglets chased the sow and then they turned the sow over and started tearing off the buttons on her belly."

96. Mom: "Son, son! Come on! 'It is too Easy! 'What is it?'

Son: "'It's too easy.'"

Mom: "Why don't you tell me it's easy?"

Son: "Ah, it's just 'too simple'!"

Mom: "You think I won't hit you, right?"

After saying that, she taught her son a lesson.

Then, the mother asked:

"What do you mean by the word 'what'?"

Son: "'What'."

Mom: "What do you mean when I say 'what'?"

Son: "'What'!"

After saying that, the mother taught her son a lesson again...

After the punishment, mother asked again:

"Okay, I'll ask you again, just tell mom and it'll be fine."

Son: "Yeah U_U~.

”

Mom: “I often hear people say ‘fuck’. What does it mean?” "

Son: "(Woo)..."

97. The rogue said: "People call me rogue, which sounds nice! "

The warrior said: "People call me warrior, which sounds nice! "

The master said: "People call me Gaoren, and it sounds nice! ”

The swordsman said: “You guys chat, I’m leaving first

98. The students from the Normal College said: I am from the “Normal College”

Railway College Students from the Vocational College said: I am from the "Iron College"

Students from the Vocational College said: I am from the "Vocational College"

Students from the Technical College said: You guys chat, I'll leave first Yes!

99. White Jade said: My name is Bai Yu.

The green jade said: My name is Biyu.

Red Jade said: My name is Hongyu.

Apricot-colored jade said: You guys chat, I’ll leave first

100. Zhang Liangying said: “The fans who admire me say: My idol is named Ying”

He Jie said: "The fans who admire me say: My idol is called Jie"

Zhou Bichang said: "The fans who admire me say: My idol is called Chang"

Li Yuchun said: "You guys chat, I'm leaving first