Who can tell me a joke?

One day, three turtles, turtle father, turtle mother and turtle son, decided to go for an outing. I took a Shandong pie and two cans of sea chicken to Yangmingshan.

After ten years of hard work, I finally succeeded.

Sit on the floor, unload your equipment and prepare dinner.

* * * * ~ ~ Shit! ! No can opener!

Father turtle said, "turtle son ... go back and get it!" ! "

Mother turtle said, "good son ... hurry up!" Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back and have dinner together ... hurry back. "

The turtle son said, "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! .."

Turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, 20 years have passed, and the turtle son has not yet appeared. ...

Mother turtle can't stand it: "wife ... do you want to eat first?"

I'm so hungry that I say ... "

Father Tortoise said, "No ... Can you promise?" Promise your son ... wait for him for another five years, or let him go! "

Father Tortoise said that it had been five years ... and there was still no sign of his son.

Whatever! !

Parents decided to start!

Take out the pie and be affectionate.

Father Tortoise said, "Wife ... you eat first!" " "

Mother turtle said, "I'm sorry, son!" Mom is really hungry! "

Take a big bite and the pie will hurt! It's too late, too early ...

Turtle son jumped out from behind the tree:

"dry! !

I knew you would steal! !

Trick me into getting a can opener? ! !

I waited for 25 years and finally got it! !

I hate being cheated! ! "

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2- The Life of Sister Chang 'e

The rabbit asked Chang 'e, "Why did you run to the moon?"

Chang 'e replied, "Hou Yi was too busy during the day, only taking pictures of the sun by himself. He only sleeps at night. He has taken nine pictures. If he shoots the last sun, won't he ignore me in the future? "

The rabbit said, "Then what's the use of your coming to the moon?"

Chang 'e said, "You haven't noticed that there is only night on the moon, and WU GANG never rests. He is strong, so I came to see him. "

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3- Funny jokes during physical examination.

1.

As soon as one of my colleagues got on the X-ray machine, the doctor shouted to other doctors, "Come on, come on, I've been doing it for 20 years, and today I finally met one-look, the heart is growing on the right!" "

Doctor: "Really ~"

At this time, my colleague turned his head from behind the X-ray machine and asked weakly, "No way, why didn't anyone tell me about Nie?"

"Mama of, who let you turn your back on me? Turn around! " Dizzy! ! !

2.

Test your hearing. Use headphones to make sounds with different volumes and frequencies, and test whether you can hear them. One of my colleagues can't hear anything. The doctor kept raising the volume, but he still couldn't hear. So the female doctor asked, "Have you ever had sex?" Suddenly, the room was silent ... my colleague blushed and had a thick neck and whispered, "Yes, but what does it matter?" ""Oh, I mean, are you a veteran? "I fainted again ~ ~ ~

3.

Every year, some nurses in military uniforms come to take the driver's license test. Once a military guard touched my stomach-my liver was full for 3 minutes, and my face turned white with fear, especially fatty liver! The woman chuckled, took off her mask and looked at me with big eyes-it turned out to be one of many MM when I was young. Then we had a meal. She got married, and I drank too much. ...

4.

Primary school physical examination, another class of students checked their vital capacity, and the doctor asked to wipe their mouths with alcohol cotton, referring to the mouth of the machine. As a result, this classmate wiped his mouth. In addition, I heard that the last short classmate stood late, and the first few were all big classmates. When the chest is X-rayed, the doctor works mechanically, one comes up, the light is turned on, and the next one is changed ... When it is his turn, the height of the machine has not changed, and the doctor thinks it is still high. As a result, when turning off the lights, he saw a big skull! Scare herself! !

5.

Once in primary school, I was dizzy by penicillin and fell on the street. After being sent to the emergency room, I was unconscious. At that time, the female doctor pinched my ear with her finger, which was very painful. I thought it was a rescue method such as pinching people, so I silently endured it. As a result, the doctor said, "The child is dying, so he didn't respond when he squeezed it ..." My mother was so scared that she sat on the ground and cried!

6.

Before graduating from high school, the teacher informed each student in advance to put their edges in a matchbox and take them to the hospital the next day. A male classmate went to the hospital the next day because he was not in when the teacher informed him. When I got to the gastroenterology department, the doctor gave my classmate a cotton swab and told him to go to the toilet ... It took nearly ten minutes for the classmate to come out of the toilet. The doctor went to the toilet door and asked, "Are you ready?" I only heard the boy inside answer in a very painful voice: "I can't pull it out!" " "At this time, I only saw the female doctor roll their eyes and shouted," Who let you really pull? Just stick a cotton swab in it! "Shit!"

7.

A long time ago, one of my classmates stood in line for X-rays. Suddenly, this guy exclaimed, "Come and see, why are there two steel wires on this guy's chest?" I almost fainted when I saw them. Everyone should know that they are two "steel wires". Then, the X-ray room came out a millimeter, and the guy was still insisting. Go forward and greet him. "Are you okay when you see two steel wires on your chest?" MM seconds later, it was another slap in the face!

8.

In junior high school, one of the physical examinations was color blindness. Take a notebook for example, each page is a pattern made up of small pieces of different colors. I don't know if everyone is the same. Some are numbers, some are stick figures.

. We went up one by one and reported what we saw to the doctor. It's usually nothing serious. After all, we have started physical examination since primary school. As a result, a classmate usually studies super hard. He went up and got a notebook, adjusted his glasses and said something that made us all fall.

"A pile of broken glass."

9.

There was a urine test in our high school, and everyone was given a plastic cup and told to go to the toilet to get some out. We all went, and a brother ran away after urinating, cursing halfway: "grass, I forgot to pick it up."

10.

I also took a listening test in junior high school. . . The man in our class went up.

The female doctor said that if you hear me, repeat what I said. . He was given two earplugs (for hearing test).

Then tell the guy to stand a few meters away. . The doctor said, "Bring earplugs."

That guy just said. . "Put on earplugs."

The doctor was in a hurry and cried, "Did you hear me when I said to bring earplugs?"

The guy kept shouting, "Did you hear me say put on earplugs?"

Everyone in our queue laughed for a few minutes.

1 1.

When you take the college entrance examination.

Test listening comprehension

The doctor said, "Soviet Union."

The boy replied, "First love."

12.

There was a physical examination of chest circumference in high school. I was late that day and was arranged to take the test with the girls. Two doctors, one took a test and reported it to the other doctor for the record. After measuring, I was caught by a group of girls and asked how much my chest was. I said, 100, how much are you?

She said 90, but I said I didn't believe it. She stretched out her arm and said, "I don't believe you!" "

Banhua oh ......

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4- definitely the latest joke ~ ~ ~

case-dough

The dog said sadly, "Archaeologists have found many bones in my master's garden!" " "

The cat said, "This is a new discovery! Why are you so sad? "

The dog barked loudly, "That's my private money."

The troubles of fat women

A fat woman said to her husband, "What worries me is not my weight, but my height."

According to the ratio of weight to height, I should be 2.3 meters. "

Touch something and move it slightly.

My son stays in bed and doesn't do his homework.

Father: "If you don't do your homework, you won't find a job in the future."

Son: "I don't want to work!" "

Father: "Then you'd better not get married and start a family!" " "

Son: "Don't get married!" "

Father: "Then you'd better not fall in love or kiss girls."

Son: "I have no time to talk nonsense with you-it's time to do my homework!" " "

drunkard boxing

A teacher with a strong accent asked his students, "50+9=?"

The student thought for a long time before answering: "Wushu+wine = drunken boxing."

Tie a tie

Shortly after arriving at 10 1 airborne division, we were ordered to assemble in military uniforms.

I can't wear a tie, so I asked my teammates in the next bed for help.

He said, "No problem, lie down."

I don't know what he meant, but I still lay in bed and asked him to tie my tie.

He said, "Sorry, I can only play like this. I learned it when I was tying ties for my father's customers. "

"What does your father do?"

"He is a mortician."