Who has a dialect joke?

Catch a cold, play football with your nose,

But basketball has to go to the hospital, because it takes half a day to register volleyball.

Thermostats are also like hockey,

Doctors are also good at water polo,

If you don't believe in medicine, you won't get sick. Let's go to the tennis hospital.

Might as well handball at home,

More drugs are prescribed, but softball won't fail.

If you are hospitalized, you will not be free, and you will be cut back by table tennis.

In case of an operation, it would be even more troublesome. Fat people can't move a billiards!

Flights full of local characteristics!

[ticket sales]

The airport automatic broadcast keeps broadcasting: "Chongqing Airlines 1000 1 flight, beijing beijing, fare 10 yuan, no change, please show me your monthly ticket."

[Security check]

People are buzzing, some people are carrying snakeskin bags, some people are carrying live chickens and ducks, and the security inspector is sweating: "You have to carry a backpack to make up the ticket. You are overweight and old."

"Why? Last time, two sacks of potatoes made me too old. "

Another passenger leaned in and said, "Come on, brothers, have a cigarette. Look at my live chicken bag. If there is no room in the cabin to tie them to the wings of the plane, these balls will be old. Anyway, they can fly by themselves, without consuming the oil of the plane ... "

[boarding]

The stewardesses are all wearing red embroidered badges, holding small flags and big horns: "What are you squeezing?"? People lined up. You made fun of me, old man. You squeezed Hazare with your head ... Take out the ticket, and if you don't buy a ticket to tease me, you will be fined ten yuan! Wave, is captain wang's uncle, that's old, into the hole ... "

[take off]

The plane climbed to the height of 80 stories and circled over the city. The captain opened the hatch and shouted, "Hey, the one on the top of the eightieth floor, Beijing can't leave, it's ten yuan each!" " There is room! Come on, stop. Haha, someone jumped over! "

[flying]

A child had to pee, and the stewardess said, "The toilet is full of potatoes. I'll open the door for you and make do with it first." For the elderly, it's windy outside, so fasten your seat belt! "

Co-pilot: "yes, which cub is in front?" There is a plane! "

Captain: "Yes 100002! The dog made fun of me to rob Lao Tzu's business and called to the back to sit still, so Lao Tzu was superior ... "

During the flight, the stewardess said, "Yes, there are UFOs outside!" "

Captain: "Look how many heads there are! 20 yuan, an alien. Ask them if they will go? "

Passengers complained: "If you want to pack a lot of people, you must pack them into meat ..."

The plane shook violently. Stewardess: "Ladies and gentlemen, there is always something wrong with the plane. Two engines are broken. We may be late. "

Passenger: "when carrying your mother, it is a wave." If all four engines are old, we won't spend the night in the sky! " "

Flight attendant: "Captain, that baby was left to pee just now."

Captain: "No parachute bag?" Stewardess: "My back is old, but my schoolbag is still there."

Captain: "Oh dear! Look what you're doing. Tie the schoolbag to the parachute and cut it off. The baby will not study with a schoolbag! "

Co-pilot: "Boss, there is an old traffic jam on the ground in Beijing. Please stop in Tianjin first."

Captain: "Call passengers to prepare for early airborne."

[Landing]

Stewardess: "Ladies and gentlemen, this flight is about to arrive at its destination. Please fasten your seat belt when landing, and fasten your seat belt when you arrive ... That ... "

[Landing]

Flight attendant: "Captain, what do you eat tonight?"

Captain: "you guys always want to eat. If you can't finish the task this month, you won't get the bonus." I think you want to drink the northwest wind! " "Why don't you go to the ticket office and tell Xiao Zhang to pick us up when he arrives, and then we will take the plane. It's still early!"

Great card!

During the rush hour, we wait for the bus at the station. As soon as the bus arrived, everyone got on. As soon as I stood up, I heard a woman shout, "Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze your mother's twist, and squeeze all my twists!" " Looking for fame, I saw a woman with a food bag in her hand, and a burst of laughter broke out in the car. . . . . .

One day, a stick went to the bus. As soon as he got on the ladder, he saw a boy touching an iron box on the bus with his hand (holding an IC card in his hand), and the iron box called out,' student card.' The little boy went in. An old lady in front of him also touched the iron box with her hand, and the iron box gave a cry,' I am also surprised by the free card (old card). He also touched the tin box with his hand, but the tin box didn't scream. He felt very strange, so he touched it again, but it didn't bark. At this moment, he had a brainwave and said,' Great card. '

Ha ha ha ha ha! This made everyone laugh.

Farmers and Li Bai are in pairs.

It is said that the poet Li Bai was traveling in Shu one day.

There was a farmer in Lu Yu. When the farmer heard that he was brilliant, he thought that he was also a famous firewood in Fiona Fang for dozens of miles, and he could not let this Li Taibai steal the limelight.

So the farmer went up to Li Bai and said, "I heard that you have learned a lot. How about I give you a pair? "

Li Bai thinks I am also a master of poetry. A farmer made a couple and agreed with the bird.

I just heard the first couplet spit out by the farmer: "You are white, you are too white, your wife is white, your wife is too white."

Li Bai's sweat, I thought for a long time, but I didn't come up with it. This couplet is amazing. No choice but to ask the farmers to make a second contact.

The farmer simply smiled and said, "I am black, I am black, I am black, I am black."

Poor Li Taibai, I only have my own cold bird. ...

Swear in the local dialect

Mandarin: "I stand here today. You have the ability to move me. Although you are big, I am anxious to kill you with a brick! "

Beijing dialect: "I stand here today, please try to touch me." Don't look at you, you are not young, I am in a hurry to get the brick (1)! "

Tianjin dialect: "I recently hit my son and praised him. You touch me one by four, don't look at the mud, you will be in a hurry. I will pat the mud on my head with a drill! "

Shandong dialect: "Today, I stood and covered with mud. When the mud rushes to meet the nest, don't look at the mud hand pickaxe, it will make you angry and bring a piece and a half on your head! "

Northeastern dialect: "I praised your uncle today, and your mother moved me aside four or four times." Don't let your mother see that you are not young. If you are in a hurry, I will kill you with a brick! "

Shaanxi dialect: "If you are hungry today, you are hungry." . I promise your baby melon seeds will look good. If I am hungry, I will pay you a brick in my pocket! "

Chengdu, Sichuan dialect: "Today, I am standing in this ditch. If you touch it, I will tell you. " . Don't think you are so headstrong, I will just pick up a brick and weld your baby's skull! "

Chongqing dialect: "Today, Laozi Douzhan is old, so you can bring Laozi here to see it. Don't watch the baby drill big, let the cat and the old man sweat bricks directly on the baby's skull! "

Shanghai dialect: "Wu made a list today, and the farmer next to him looked at it and agreed." Cutting down depends on the hunger of the fields, and now only Gu Si Nong Gang's books are left. I am angry at home, I am making beans quickly and cutting down Zenong! "

Zhenjiang dialect, Jiangsu province: "The lights are burning fast today. I looked around at the mud table tennis. It means that mud is grown with sticks. Play with me. Be careful! "

Hangzhou dialect in Zhejiang: "Long time no see. If you touch me, you will see that you have lost everything. Even if you mend your coat, it will still make you feel like a brick! "

Hebei Luancheng dialect: "I will stand here and pull a few. Try poking me. You look big. I'm worried about your father. I hit you on the head with a brick! "

Sichuan dialect with authentic taste

Rob money! Men stand on the left, women stand on the right, and perverts stand in the middle. Hey, you turtle, pick up your cell phone and stand in the middle!

Sister Yao, you are a cat in the sky, and I am an underground shit pusher. You want to turn around in the sky, and I want to look around on the ground.

The sun came out, and I climbed the pole, climbed the pole. I stepped on the wire and accidentally stepped on the high voltage. Since then, I have left this world.

Son of a bitch, I have toilet paper if I want to shit. Don't pull my rotten mat.

You should say love easily. The promise you make is the debt you owe. Don't say you don't love easily. Maybe happiness will be rejected by you!

Man: I said, do you love me or not? Why don't you talk? I was so worried. Woman: What are you panicking about? Wait till I see it clearly.

You son of a bitch, you will be brilliant without a little sunshine! I'm so proud that I have to hit a telephone pole when I walk! Don't cry when the goose green bag is hung up!

There was once a cousin in front of me, and I didn't cherish her until I got rid of her, so that if God gave me a chance to light two fires, I would say to her: Leave me alone!