How should I answer other people's accusations?

It is said that once born, twice cooked. "Twice" is not difficult, but it is difficult to say "once" from the beginning. Where is the difficulty? It's hard to face a stranger, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say, I don't know if it will make people feel unhappy ... I recruited a group of new employees when I was engaged in human resources management in a company. What puzzles me is that when they applied for this job, they all talked about Kan Kan and answered all my questions like a stream. But after going in, many people's weakness of not being good at talking was "exposed". Even if they were asked to say something welcome, they were all flushed and extremely shy. Later, I chatted with them and asked them if they felt uncomfortable in the new environment. Most of them bowed their heads and whispered, "I'm not used to talking to strangers." But one of them asked me, "I don't know what to do to integrate myself into the group?" I smiled. Then I asked another tight-lipped new employee, "Do you always talk to people like you are rushing for an exam?" He nodded and said "Yes". I said, "You have language phobia and depression." Language phobia and depression syndrome are mostly manifested in front of strangers. Dale Carnegie mentioned the repression of interpersonal relationships in his The Weakness of Human Nature. What causes depression? It is timid. Because I am afraid of life, my tongue will roll and be incoherent. The more you want to make your words perfect, the less you can express your meaning. Just like the more fully prepared a singer is for the first time, the less effective her singing is-stage fright. Fear of life is a state of mind. Inferiority is the source of this state. Many people feel uncomfortable in a strange environment, mainly because they are afraid of being laughed at for saying something wrong when communicating with strangers. This inferiority complex will naturally make them often accuse themselves of rudeness at a certain moment, thus destroying the atmosphere of communication with others. Some people think that they have said a word or two in front of strangers, but in fact they still haven't managed their mouths. They wish they could bite off their tongues. However, this kind of "self-pity" can only make you more nervous, and it is not helpful to improve your interpersonal skills. The more I remind myself not to say the wrong thing next time, the more I say the wrong thing. How to avoid the embarrassment of language communication caused by fear of life? I offer several methods here. Let's try: ask questions and explore the road. Suppose the other person is an ordinary passer-by, and then ask the other person to answer some questions that you know well but pretend not to know, just like asking for directions, so that you can take the initiative on the phone. Whether the other person's answer is right or wrong, you need to listen carefully. Even if the other person says something wrong, you should thank him. Because, the purpose of this kind of question is not to find any answers, but to open the floodgate of language communication between you and the other party. Once the floodgate of dialogue between the two sides is opened and flows downstream, the original strangeness will naturally disappear. Usually no one will maliciously refuse an enlightened consultant. As long as the other person is willing to give you a ride, your expected social plan has been half successful. Of course, this way sounds hypocritical, but for those who are afraid of life, it is an effective way to build their self-confidence in speaking. Questioning is only suitable for talking to a stranger, not for contacting a team. When you meet a stranger easily, sometimes you just need to grasp a certain detail of the other person's work or life, and you will successfully knock on the door of communication between the two sides. Observe the strangers around you carefully to see if there is anything special about them, such as whether the other person is wearing exotic ornaments, such as the style you like, such as the brand of cigarettes the other person smokes ... Talking about these details is likely to arouse the other person's interest immediately. It's best to choose a topic with a brisk pace and no need to think, so that people won't be disgusted with your conversation. Sometimes, even if we are speechless, just giving each other a knowing smile will bring us closer. The first conversation passed smoothly, paving the way for further communication in the second meeting; The second time, you might as well call him by his first name and tell some harmless jokes. But no matter what you say, you should talk less. Talking too much will not win the respect of the other party. When the other person intends to communicate with you, no matter what the other person says is right or wrong, don't deny the other person, because after all, you are not familiar with it. Once denied, the next communication will be difficult to continue, and all your efforts to explore the details will be in vain. Cut to the chase If you are introduced to a new person (or you just joined a team), you will face many strange faces. You don't know them and they don't know you. Will your heart beat faster than when you attend the interview? Although these new faces are kindly gathered around and take the initiative to strike up a conversation with you, you are still so nervous that you can't find a suitable sentence. what can I do? In this case, don't worry, let alone avoid everyone's questions. As the saying goes, "once born, twice cooked." I was afraid to speak the first time, but how did I get acquainted the second time? If you want to get familiar with someone as soon as possible, it is impossible not to talk, but it depends on what you say. In the face of your questions, don't be busy answering any questions, so it's easy to lose your mobile phone, because you haven't finished answering one question, and the second and third questions are still waiting. So how can we grasp the machine of talking to strangers? There are several kinds of direct "opening remarks" that you can try to use. For example, "I am new here, please take care of me"; For example, "Let's do one thing together in the future. If I have anything wrong, please forgive me "; For example, "as a newcomer, I was really touched by everyone's enthusiasm"; For example, "Nice to meet you all" ... For a stranger, deliberately avoiding or not answering questions is regarded as rejection of this person; Talking too much is hard to be accepted by strangers, which makes people feel scared. First impressions are very important. If you don't keep your mouth shut, make a "slip of the tongue" or over-express your so-called eloquence on a stranger, then it will be difficult for you to survive on this stranger.

Observe yourself and others around you. Is there such a person who is relaxed and natural when talking to people he is familiar with? Although he can't talk eloquently, he can talk eloquently with Kan Kan. But once they talk to strangers in public, they immediately become speechless, often blush and incoherent. This kind of situation will be considered as a slight social phobia in psychology, but we often use words such as "honesty" and "unsociable" to cover it up. However, in modern society, interpersonal relationships have changed greatly, and the communication between people has become more frequent and extensive. On various occasions, if a person is not good at talking with strangers, the loss will be irreparable. The reasons why it is difficult to talk with strangers are often psychological fear and clumsy language. Psychological problems can be overcome through psychological or self-adjustment, and language ability may help you. An old joke has advanced: an old gentleman has a long beard, and he doesn't feel any inconvenience at ordinary times, but one day a naughty little guy asked him, "Grandpa, do you put your beard under the quilt or outside the quilt when you sleep?" Now I can't even sleep when I sleep at night. This joke tells us a very simple truth. There are many things we don't have to pay attention to, just do as usual. There is nothing too particular about talking to strangers, just say it naturally as usual. Each of us has our own characteristics, so there is no uniform standard on how to speak naturally and easily, and we can't define and explain it from the front, but it is the most important principle not to pretend or imitate when talking to strangers. If you find it difficult to speak casually in front of strangers even if you want to act normal, then you can try the following skills. First, adjust your breathing. Always use the airflow exhaled by your lungs when you speak. Once the breathing disorder occurs due to nervousness, it will make the speech tremble or uneven, giving people a sense of fragmentation. So if you feel nervous, you can take a few regular deep breaths before speaking, adjust your mood, and wait until your breathing is stable before speaking, so that your voice will not tremble. At the same time, deep breathing can also help us get enough oxygen, so that we can keep a clear head and think quickly. Second, concentrate and don't be distracted. Don't be distracted when you speak, let your brain run at a high speed, and beautiful words and phrases will come out automatically. Pay more attention when you are obedient, try to capture each other's eyes and expressions, and respond positively, such as knowing smile, nodding your head in agreement and so on. This not only makes the other person feel valued, so his mood is high, but also makes his tension disappear and devote himself to interesting conversations. Third, don't engrave. When talking to strangers, you don't need to pretend to be elegant. You can use any word you commonly use now. This doesn't mean that you should call a spade a spade and say what you think. We need to consider the content of our speech; However, in the way of speaking, we can let nature take its course and not pursue gorgeous words or wonderful sentences. Some elegant words may add a lot of color to your words, but if you spend so much psychological energy that you can't concentrate on the content of your speech, it will not pay off. What's more, unfamiliar ways of speaking and vocabulary are also easy to make a fool of yourself. Once you mispronounce a sound or say a sick sentence, it will bring great psychological pressure. If we create a vicious circle of tension again, we will make a fool of ourselves. Fourth, don't be too polite and use too many honorifics. Some honorifics can be used in the self-introduction of the first meeting, but once the conversation goes deep, the words "thank you", "please" and "you" don't have to be mentioned all the time, otherwise it will be strange and it will be difficult for the relationship between the two sides to develop further. Politeness is necessary, but being too polite is more uncomfortable than being impolite. Fifth, don't pretend to be humorous. Many "The Art of Eloquence" say that "humor" is a lubricant in interpersonal communication, which can ease the tense atmosphere. This is true, but "humor" is a very advanced communication skill, which requires flexible thinking, interesting content, and close coordination of tone, intonation, gesture and posture to achieve good results. For people who are afraid to communicate with strangers, they are far from having these communicative skills, so don't pretend to be humorous, lest they be self-defeating. It's embarrassing to start with "I'll tell a joke" and tell it in an increasingly tense tone, and end with a few quick laughs that the audience has been waiting for for a long time. It's better to speak honestly and say one or two funny words, which is more impressive. Overcome the fear, and then use the above speaking skills, you will certainly be able to speak kindly, naturally and easygoing, make people feel like spring breeze, and make more and more strangers become your real friends.