I want to collect the best jokes that make me laugh?

1 Child and Cat

The child is sitting at home eating. The cat walked up to him and meowed "Mimi". The child threw a piece of meat to the cat. It ate it and meowed "Mimi" again.

The child threw another piece to it, and it ate it, but it still screamed "Mimi".

The child got angry and stood up and said loudly: "Sit on my seat and let me

scream, and give me meat to eat!"

2 What is "but"?

Primary school students are telling stories: "The cat turned into a tiger when it saw a mouse, but when it saw a tiger, it turned into a mouse again..."

Someone asked him, what does this "but" mean?

He thought for a while and replied:

"This is an animal larger than a cat and smaller than a tiger."

3 Bet

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Two friends are betting.

"I dare say you don't have the guts to enter that dark room alone!"

"You say I don't have the guts? Then come with me and I'll let you have a look. !”

4 Tie Shoes

On the street, a little girl walked up to an uncle in police uniform. She looked up and down.

Carefully asked:

"Are you a policeman?"

"Yes."

"Mom said, no matter what difficulties you encounter, you can always ask for help. The police will get help, right?"

"Yes!"

"Okay," the little girl raised one foot. "Please help me tie my shoelaces."

5 babies in the belly

A pregnant woman was walking on the road, and a little girl came up to her and asked: "Auntie, yours

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Why is the belly so big?”

“Because there is a child in the belly!”

“Are you afraid of trouble?”

"Ah? Why?"

"You thought it was inconvenient to hold the child, so you put him in your belly."

1 Notice

"What's wrong with you today? Why have you been fiddling with it for so long?" The father said, taking the notice from his son's hand and reading it. There are comments written by the teacher: "In class

Shooting slingshots, putting bugs in classmates' pockets... Parents are invited to talk about it."

"You are in school If you do this, who will you be when you grow up?" the father yelled at his son.

"Dad, this is not my notice. I found it in your old box."

2 ways

A mother educated him 7 year old son. She said to her son: "The car you are sitting in has no seats

and an old woman wants to get on the bus. What should you do?"

"I will rush at her." Shouted: "Go on, wait for the next one! There is no seat, little man."

3 Not Afraid of Ghosts

One day, Xiao Yang took his children to play in Wuzhishan. The children started running around all over the mountains and fields. Xiao

Yang was afraid that the child would be in danger, so he scared him and said: "Don't run around, be careful there are ghosts here who want to eat people."

The child immediately replied: "I'm not afraid of ghosts. . You forgot, the uncles and aunts next door all called you a gambler

My mother called me a kid; my grandmother called my grandpa a smoker; my mother called you a slacker; you called my mother

Mom is a dead ghost. I deal with ghosts every day, so why should I be afraid of ghosts?”

I’ll buy it next time

Dad: “I want to get a 95 in this exam!” If you get more than 10 points, I will buy you a violin..."Dad, the test paper has been sent out, and I got 96 points. ”

Dad: “Very good.” Well, not bad..."

Son: "Then give me the violin! …

Dad: “Money is tight this month, let’s buy next month.”

Son: “This is the second exam, take a look.

"

Dad: "Ah! ? Only scored 59 points? You..."

Son: "The score is tight this time, let's talk about it next time. ”

5Why

Child: “Dad, what is this smoke?” "

Dad: "Remember, the smoke is from the chimney. ”

Child: “Hey, I know!” Dad, why isn't your nose called a chimney? "

Dad: "..."

Research on Slaughter Chemistry

In a certain restaurant.

A customer, holding a plate of dumplings, turned and left the sales window and said with a smile: "I

like eating wontons very much!"

Another customer held a bowl of wontons and declared: "I like to drink noodles!"

The customers were in a daze after hearing this, and one of the astute customers solemnly explained Said: "They

are all very knowledgeable about food chemistry."

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"Hygienic" kitchen

After the meal, a customer called the restaurant owner over. "Sir, congratulations. Your kitchen here is very hygienic!" "Thank you, sir... I'll do my best. But I want to ask you, if you haven't visited my kitchen, how can you praise it as very hygienic?" " Oh, that's easy, everything I just ate here smells like soap."

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"Household Shop"

A: "What is your occupation?" B: "I open a foreign goods store." ” A: “Why not sell domestic products?” " B: "What I sell is not foreign goods, but all domestic goods. Because the business is not good and I can't make money, I have to support a few workers, so I call it a 'household shop'. ”

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"Zhuang Wang" design Banquet

“I heard that your restaurant had a great business yesterday. How many tables were open? "Just open a table." "You can earn fifty-sixty from one table, right?" "Earn?" I lost more than 100 yuan! "This is unreasonable. How can you pay for it?" "You don't know, I am hosting a banquet for the King of Chuzhuang, and I am inviting the Five Hegemons!" ”

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10 minutes and 30 years

At the checkout window, the payer couldn't help but said: "I have been standing at your window for 10 minutes. The payee replied slowly: "I have been sitting behind the window for 30 years." ”

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Cold shrinkage of steamed buns

Customer: “Why are your 1-tael buns so small? "Salesperson: "It was quite big when it came out of the pot.

"Customer: "Why is it so small now? "Salesperson: "Don't you understand how heat expands and contracts? ”

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The man in the bun

A man was eating steamed buns in a restaurant. As he was eating, he suddenly shouted: "Oh, there is someone in this steamed bun!" When the customers heard this, they all gathered around to see what was going on. The waiter was very angry and said, "I'm afraid you're crazy!" Where did the person in Baozi come from? The man said, "You said there was no one in the bun, so why is there someone's hair in the stuffing?" ”

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The buns have thick skin

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Customer: “Boss, do you have a drilling team nearby? "Boss:" Why do you ask? Customer: "I want to dig in and see where the stuffing is." ”

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Taste-changing mouth

A chili vendor saw a man with a Hunan accent approaching and shouted: "If you want to buy chili, come quickly. If it's not spicy, it's free!" "The Hunan customer bought a pound and left. At this time, a Shanghainese came to buy, and the hawker shouted again: "My pepper is not spicy at all, but has a sweet taste. "The Shanghai customer was about to buy it when he suddenly saw a Hunanese guy coming back and saying, "Your chili is sweet, I don't want it." The vendor argued, "This chili is a modified chili. Those who like spicy food will eat it spicy, and those who like sweet food will eat it sweet." A passing Cantonese heard this and said with a smile: "I don't want the chili pepper, can I buy your tasteless mouth?!" There was a burst of laughter in the street.

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No need to disinfect

Customer: "Don't you ever sterilize your tableware?" Clerk: "It's never been filled with drugs, how can it be sterilized!"

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Collocation

"Uncle, I want to buy a copy of "Childhood"." "Buy it I want to match it with another book. ""What book is it with?" "A copy of "The World of the Elderly"

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Hairstyle

Barber: "What kind of hair style do you want?" Young man: "The most attractive hair style." An eye-catching hairstyle." Barber: "Okay! I'll shave your head."

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Anti-epidemic shots

Customer: "Why haven't you brought the food I ordered?" Waiter: "Sir, please wait a moment." Wait, the food is already ready." Customer: "Since it's already done, why do you have to ask me to wait?" Waiter: "Because there are a few flies in the dish, waiting for you to get vaccinated.

”

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Snacks

Customer: “If you sell food on the street, you should add a dust cover. "Salesperson: "No need, I sell local snacks. ”

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Giving a small meal

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The diner smiled slightly: "When I ordered, I didn't seem to order a fly! The waiter was very calm: "But there is no need to pay extra." ”

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Hang up the signboard

Bao Xiao did very funny things and got the nickname Mr. Funny. He was working as a waiter in a hotel. One morning, he went to hang up a sign and accidentally broke it in half. The owner was very angry. Said: "Why are you so careless, damn it! Mr. Funny said calmly: "Master: You are about to open a branch. This is a good sign!" congratulations! "The master laughed.

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Haili News

A man went to the market to buy fish. He picked up a fish from the fish stall and sniffed it with his nose. The fish seller was afraid that he would smell that his fish was not fresh, so he He said angrily: "Sir, it doesn't matter if you don't buy fish, what are you smelling?" He replied: "I didn't smell it. I was talking to the fish." "What did you talk to the fish about?" "I asked the fish if there was any news in the sea recently." "How did the fish answer you?" "The fish answered me that it didn't know the news in the sea because it had been out at sea for a long time!" ”

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Good radio

You once told me I could get all the stations with this radio," complained a man in an electronics store. "What? You can't hear it?" "Yes, but always at the same time."

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Pay additional electricity bill

Customer: "Why, this room costs 20 yuan? The room condition is so bad that I can't sleep at night. In order to kill time Time, I have to get up and read a book." Hotel owner: "Ah, you have to pay 5 cents for electricity!"

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The wonderful use of lifebuoys

A swimmer: "The lifebuoy produced by your factory helped me learn to swim quickly." Factory Director: "Thank you for the compliment." Swimmer: "No need to be modest. The lifebuoy produced by your factory deflated when it saw water, so I had to swim as hard as I could, and I quickly learned to swim."

”

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Just kidding

Some boys, thinking that they were adults, went to the barber shop to shave their faces. Once, a boy went into the barber shop and asked the barber to shave him. The barber asked him to sit down and shave his face. After applying soap and ignoring it, the boy got impatient and shouted: "Hey, why do you keep letting me stay here? The barber replied: "I'm waiting for your beard to grow." ”

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Can be returned or exchanged

A salesman from a plastics factory introduced to guests from all over the country at a nationwide ordering meeting: "The printed film ponchos produced by our factory are durable and novel in style. "As he spoke, he took out one and put it on his body. Suddenly he found that the rain poncho was torn on the shoulders. He smiled slightly and continued calmly: "Did everyone see it? We can return or replace something as bad as this. ”

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Big mouth

Female guest: "Your bread is very small. You can even swallow it in one bite. Shopkeeper: “Can you swallow this bread in one bite?” I'm afraid it's not that the bread is too small. ”

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Wide and tight straps

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A: “This area is probably very wide! "Staff: "No, it's tight when you put it on." B: "This belt is very tight, right?" "Shop clerk: "It will be wider if you wear it. ”

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Stir-fried pork slices

A customer pointed at the dish he just bought and sighed: "Hey, why do you only have so many pieces of meat in this pork? Another customer continued: "If the meat doesn't slip away, can it be called braised pork slices?" ”

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Buy the tape

In the audio and video sales department, "Are you sure this tape is performed by Pavarotti? But, you know, he doesn’t know German at all! "Yes, I know that, but it's a translation." ”

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Buy butter

A little boy walked into a grocery store and said to the grocer, "Buy a pound of butter. Mom said, it must be exactly the same as what I bought yesterday. "Ah," said the grocer happily, "it's great that your mother really appreciates the butter I sell!" "Yes," the little boy said, "Mom said, this butter can stop those who love to come to my house to eat."

”

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Buying meat

Customer: “I bought 9 taels of meat. Vendor: "It's hard to settle accounts for nine ounces of meat. You might as well cut off one pound." Customer: "Actually, it's the same. Every time I ask for a pound, you only give me 9 taels." ”

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Pharmaceutical sellers and medicine A lame man shouted loudly in the market: "Come and buy medicine! I have a panacea here that can cure all diseases! A man came up and asked, "Does your medicine really cure all diseases?" The medicine seller quickly replied: "It goes without saying that the medicine can cure the disease. Please give it a try." "Men: "Can lameness be cured?" "It can be cured." "Then why don't you use your medicine to cure your lameness?" ”

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Wonderful association

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Customer: “Eating the Yuanxiao from your store reminded me of the name of a great poet from the Tang Dynasty. "Waiter: "I didn't expect that the Lantern Festival in my store would make you have such a wonderful association. Who is this poet? "Customer: "Li (Li) Bai. ”

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Easy to learn

Customer: "Excuse me, is Pipa easy to learn? I want to buy one. "Salesperson: "Easy to learn, it's the simplest, you can make it sound as soon as you play it. Go buy one! ”

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The missing golden rooster

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A customer went to a large restaurant and bought a plate of "Golden Chicken Fried Bamboo Shoots" priced at 4 yuan and 50 cents, but there was not even a small piece of chicken skin on the plate. The customer took the dish away in disappointment. Go to the manager and say: "Comrade, please lend me a magnifying glass. "What's it for?" "The manager asked puzzledly. The customer replied: "I want to look for the missing golden rooster in the bamboo forest. ”

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Discuss the secret

A man came to the fried dough sticks stall and said to the owner: "Yeah! How much oil do you need to fry fried dough sticks in a day? ? The host said: "How can you fry fried dough sticks without oil?" "What a waste. What a pity." "It's a pity that it has to be fried. How can you fry fried dough sticks without oil?" "My ancestors have been selling fried dough sticks for generations, and they have never been fried." "The master wanted to know his secret, so he invited him to dinner and entertained him hospitably. After the meal, he whispered to the master: "My family has been selling fried dough sticks for generations, so there is no need to fry them. . "The master was dumbfounded when he heard this.

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Layman

Customer: “After this TV was repaired, why does the picture keep shaking? "Repairman:" Then you are an amateur. That was a film taken during the earthquake.

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万里香

Customer: "What! This perfume doesn't smell good at all? "Staff: "You don't know its name is 'Wanlixiang,' don't you? You have to be separated by 10,000 miles to be fragrant?"

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Smile service

A: “Why does the salesperson wear a photo on his chest? ” B: “Carry out smile service! "A:" What does this have to do with wearing a photo? "B: "Didn't you see that everyone in the photo is smiling? ”

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Why is my face swollen

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A saw a vendor with a bruised nose and swollen face walking by quickly carrying a load, so he asked B what was going on, "He was a peach seller." He once swore to his customers: "The varieties of peaches I sell are expensive and extremely sweet. If they are not sweet, you will throw them in my face."

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Atheist

Customer: "Miss, you have this sticker on the wall: The customer is God, but your service attitude is not like this, isn't it true that your words and deeds are inconsistent?" Waiter: "That was posted by the manager. I am an atheist and do not believe in God at all."

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Thorough porridge

"Why is this porridge so thin! It has no taste at all." No, it costs 2 cents for a bowl. It's too deceiving. "You don't know that scarcity is more valuable! A large bowl costs 2 cents."

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Acting on camera

Son: "Dad, there is A customer asked if the shirt we sell shrinks. "Father: "Does the shirt he picked fit?" Son: "No, it's too big." Father: "Then tell him, the shirt shrinks."

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Xinbin Hotel

"Why is this hotel called Xinbin Hotel?" "Because everyone who eats here is the first time." "Can you be sure?" "Yes, because people who have eaten here will never come back again. ! ”

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Fix TV

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In the TV repair department. “Sir, please excuse me, but it’s too late to repair your TV today.

"Then what should I do tonight?" "I'll give you two sleeping pills!" ”

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Modify

Shop owner: "This is the most popular style recently. If it doesn't feel right, you can modify it voluntarily. "Guest: "I'm sorry! Please revise the price list! ”

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A little difference

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There is a non-staple food store that always puts up a sign at the end of the week that reads: "We will be closed for one day due to inventory at the end of the week." "The surrounding residents were extremely dissatisfied with this. One day, the salesperson hung this sign outside the door, and several people chatted together. At this moment, there was a knock on the door. The salespersons were furious and opened the door. He opened the door and shouted to the people outside: "Why, didn't you see the sign? Today is off!" " "rest? Not to be outdone, the person who knocked on the door said, "Look at the sign you put up." "The salesperson looked at the sign and was stunned. It turned out that someone had changed a punctuation mark on the sign, and the notice became like this: "We will stop counting on weekends, and we will be open for one day. ”

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Achieve two birds with one stone

Customer: "You have repaired this radio twice, why is it still playing the same radio? Listen. " Repairman: "What's wrong with this? It's both music and recitation. It kills two birds with one stone. Just use it as a soundtrack for prose! ”

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Has been identified

Customer: “Why has your food gone bad? ” Shopkeeper: “How come?” The epidemic prevention station has been identified. If you don’t believe it, call the epidemic prevention station and ask. "Customer: "Hey, is it an epidemic prevention station? The meat at Li Lai Hotel has become flavorful and they are still selling it. "Epidemic Prevention Station: "We just appraised it yesterday and tasted it personally. The color, aroma and taste are all good. You probably have a cold! ”

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Admission on merit

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A store is recruiting salespersons, and the manager personally takes the exam. Manager: “If a customer wants to buy 1 kilogram of snacks, how many grams should he give? ” Applicant: “945 grams. ” Manager: “Good answer, you are admitted.” ”

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Looking for a haircut

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Customer: "You charged me 5 yuan for a haircut. I have almost no hair on my head! The money collected is too much.

"Barber: "Not much, not much. I charge you not for cutting hair, but because it takes me a lot of time to find hair to cut! ”

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Just enough for the fire

Salesperson: "Why did you move the cooking utensils to the counter? ” Chef: “I think your cooking style is just right!” ”

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Evidence

Woman: “Are these shrimps fresh? "Old fish seller: "Fresh! Look, isn’t it alive? ” Woman: “But you are alive too!” ”

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Meat

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“The prices of 8 kinds of non-staple food have been increased. Why is the price also increased when I go to take a shower? "You belong to meat." ”

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The freshest

Dinner: “Why is there mud in this bowl of food? Waiter: "This is the freshest dish, just pulled out of the mud." ” ------------------- YOUTH Compilation

1: Zhang Sanfeng took medicine

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng had a severe cold the day before yesterday. The doctor handed him a prescription for good medicine:

"Please keep this prescription. Take it once every morning for three days.

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng returned home and carefully cut the prescription into three pieces.

He took one piece on time every morning.

It is said that he felt much better today Yes, I just feel a little sick to my stomach.

2: Zhang Sanfeng chat room with MM clips

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as beautiful as flowers

MM: Thank you. .

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as gentle as the moon.

MM: Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as pure as holy water.

MM: Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, can you marry me?

MM: You are as verbose as my husband! >Zhang Sanfeng: #$^$amp;^*^amp;(amp;*)*(_#^^

3: The reason why Sanfeng was late

Sanfeng had one day He was late for work. When the manager asked him why he was late, he said: "When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was so anxious that I squeezed out a section of more than 40 centimeters of toothpaste and waited for me to slowly put it in again." It took more than an hour to retract it!”

4: Staying in Sanfeng Hotel

Mr. Sanfeng had long wanted to experience the experience of staying in a big hotel, and he had saved up enough. After paying the money, he went into the hotel to go through the formalities and walked in happily according to the route indicated by the waiter.

But after a while, he turned back and got angry: "I." I can’t live in it anymore. What kind of house is that? You want me to pay a high price to live in a room with a big cupboard and a folding chair.”

The waiter laughed! He said: "You are mistaken, sir. That is the elevator.

”

5: Sanfeng started surfing the Internet for the first time

Mr. Sanfeng bought a computer. After taking it home, he followed the instructions for setting up the network one by one. Then he excitedly clicked the mouse and went online! Eh! ?

The password is wrong! Reset it, but the password is still wrong. I had no choice but to drive to the computer shop and ask for help.

Did you put P before entering the user name? ”

Only then did Mr. Sanfeng realize that there is such a rule.

If you want to go online, you must first fart in front of your name (P).

6 : Zhang Sanfeng buys shoes

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng bought a new pair of shoes but didn’t wear them. A week later, I asked him: “Why don’t you

wear those shoes? "You can wear it tomorrow." When I was buying the shoes, the salesperson told me that the shoes would pinch my feet in the first week. ”

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng plans to wear new shoes to chat with girls tomorrow, hoping that his shoes will fit.

7: Sanfeng’s dating encounter

Three weekends Mr. Feng asked MM to go out for dinner...

Sanfeng: What do you want to eat...

MM: Whatever...

Sanfeng: Then Let's go eat steak...

MM: No...it's too fishy to eat...

Sanfeng: Then go eat vegetarian food...

MM: No...it's too boring to eat that...

Sanfeng: How about eating pork rice...

MM : No...it's too unsentimental to eat that...

Mitoyo: Let's go eat Japanese food...

MM: No...it's delicious That one is too expensive...

Sanfeng: Then go to McDonald's...

MM: No...it's too nutritious to eat that one...

Later... Sanfeng couldn't stand it anymore... so he asked loudly:

What else are you going to eat...

I just saw MM was a little embarrassed...

A little shy and said: "Whatever!!!"

8: Sanfeng cut the hard drive

First Tian:

Sanfeng: Wu MM! My computer has just been formatted, please help me deal with it!

Wu MM: Your hard disk space is very large, um... divided into Two or three yuan would be better. Do you have the tools?

Sanfeng: Of Course!

Wu MM: I don’t have time now, just do it yourself

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The next day:

The Sanfeng computer table was filled with kitchen knives, fruit knives, watermelon knives...

The hard drive was shattered, and poor Sanfeng took matters into his own hands.

9: Zhang Sanfeng borrowed a donkey

Sanfeng's relatives in the countryside wanted to borrow a donkey from Sanfeng for grinding, so they sent a letter to Sanfeng asking for a donkey. Mr. Feng was accompanying the guest. He was afraid that the guest would know that he was illiterate, so he pretended to read the letter. He nodded while reading, then raised his head and said to the visitor: "I know, I'll go by myself in a while." "

10: Zhang Sanfeng teaches his son

Zhang Sanfeng and his five-year-old son just took the bus home..."Mom" the son said to mommy: "I just sat there On the bus, my father asked me to get up and give up my seat to a very beautiful aunt. Mommy said, "Dad, this is right. This is to teach you etiquette. Men should give up their seats to women." The son said: "But I'm sitting on daddy's lap!"