Where the fuck is my life?

At this moment, I'm sitting in McDonald's, ordering a large coke and a big bag of French fries, which are nutritionally standard junk food, sitting on a high stool against the wall. The air is a sea of joy. And I am in distress, good news on the occasion of the second anniversary, I want to write something elegant, encourage readers, and give myself a souvenir. But I can't write a sentence with feelings.

Then, this sentence popped up in my head: Where the fuck is my life? So, the desire to express was there, I turned on the computer and began to bang. At such a moment of positive energy, I have produced such a dose of negative energy.

two years ago, because I was tired of being lazy, I wanted to try. If I find something I like better, I can work longer. Because I had a media dream when I was in college, I worked as a media for more than ten years. Since WeChat is booming, how about opening a WeChat account and running a self-media in your own way? Start this public number like this.

then, the development of this little self-media exceeded my expectation. Of course, there is a lot of luck. But I think, clinging to the questioning of the meaning of life and exploring the possibilities of life is also a big reason why this public number can attract the attention of 3 thousand readers.

Yes, discussing the meaning of life has an obsessive-compulsive attraction for me. Even now, the tail of youth is slipping from my hands, but I still hold on to this problem.

Why am I so persistent about the proposition of the meaning of life? Because in essence, I am an unhappy young man. If you are so happy that you forget everything, you can't remember these profound questions.

Second

From my recent home observation of my parents' behavior, I realized some reasons why I am unhappy.

My father is 71 years old, with a wrinkled face and gray hair and beard. During the few days I was at home, he and his mother got up in the middle of the night and dragged a cart of vegetables to the morning market in the city to sell vegetables. This is hard work disproportionate to his age. I tried to stop it. But there is nothing to stop it. In his mind, when he can move, he should share a share of his children's worries.

apart from this sense of sharing worries, it is inconceivable that he will give up this hard work. Why? Because he has worked all his life. As long as I can remember, my father has been working hard all day from dawn to dark, except for weather and physical reasons. He is shouldering the burden of life. He wants to survive and support his family. At the same time, the burden of life also shaped his life. Causing him to put all his time and energy into work. Apart from working, he doesn't know what pleasure and rest are-he has no other experience in life except sleeping, sitting in a daze occasionally, housework and spending some time in front of the TV without working.

Maybe you will say that your father is proud of his children's promise and is the source of happiness. However, if all one's spiritual pleasure comes only from one's children's "promise", and one's heart is nourished by the children's promise every day, what a hollow meaning of life it is. Of course, you may say that he is a farmer, and he works hard and enriches his life every day, so that he won't be as sentimental as you are. I hope so. I don't know if he has a moment when he feels lost, depressed or even afraid of death. Even if he does, he faces it alone. He never shows it to me.

objectively speaking, my father, like a crop on the land, is alive, just alive. He may be simple-minded, enjoy the sunrise and live at sunset. Although the hardships are regular and rhythmic, and his children are married and have a promising life, he has not experienced too many possibilities in this world. I also tried to take him out several times, but he showed more discomfort and sorrow than joy and excitement. His life has been imprisoned by the land and he has lost his rich functions. Although I have built a big house for him to live in, his lifestyle is no different from that in the old shabby mud house.

by him, I saw myself. Although it seems that the life opportunity I am facing is much better than that of him, I have received more education, read many books, traveled a lot, broadened my horizons, and made some achievements in my own field of struggle, but in the end, I am just a land crop in another sense, running for survival, living monotonous and repeating, and my heart gradually becomes a rock. Although I always tell myself to remember my dream, I still keep my distance from it in my behavior. While being far away from dreams and embracing reality, daily life has become as regular as the sun and the moon, and gradually lost the possibility of rich experience.

further, I think that most people in our society, regardless of his scenery, have a lot of wealth, travel around the world, embrace the left and the right, and call the shots (I have seen too many such people in my career for many years), but it is as difficult to get rid of a monotonous life as it is to get rid of the gravity of the earth.

I'm just another repetition of my father's life. His life case is relatively simple and clear. Our case is a bit complicated, so we can't see it clearly. But in fact, there is not much difference in essence.

Third

Every time I go back to my hometown for a while, I feel a strong sense of resurrection. Why? Because in the city life, in the house we bought through the bank mortgage loan, in the working environment where we play a social role and fantasize that we are constantly growing up, we actually say a lot of insincere words and do things that are not out of our hearts every day. Over time, wearing armor and petrified mind, you seem to be in the world, but in fact you are just doing Brownian motion in the narrow space of a glass room. You think you are guaranteed and your career development is promising, but in fact your life experience has become narrow and monotonous. You are separated from the world around you by an invisible wall. You imagine the sweet air, but in fact, your breathing is extremely limited. You know a lot of truth, in fact, your cells are rarely saturated with the juice of happiness.

I'm glad I still have a hometown to go back to. Every time I return to the land where I was born, I stand where I looked at the moon as a child and look up at it. It seems that I can immediately touch myself as a child, talk to myself as a child through time and space, relive my initial enthusiasm and longing for the world as a teenager, and see the trajectory of my life over the years.

but this kind of happiness is actually unfortunate. What happens after being resurrected with blood? Remember what happened at first. As long as you return to the city and your daily life, there will be 1 kinds of original pressures that will continue to oppress you and erode you. After a period of time, you are looking forward to the journey home with blood resurrection. This cycle goes back and forth.

how is the glass house confined to ourselves formed? There is an innocent child in each of us, but at the same time, we are all slaves of traditional wisdom and traditional system.

The existence of traditional wisdom has its own reasons. It is the password for the survival and continuation of life. The traditional system woven by the rope of traditional wisdom is like a big net, which allows the whole society to run within its logical framework, so as to ensure that there will be no big chaos and that every life can reach the end safely. Yes, safely, to the finish line.

traditional wisdom includes: when a man is older, when a woman is older, and people need a job, and so on. Because a job not only creates an economic foundation for individual life to survive and continue, but also is an important way for individual life to gain a sense of existence.

it's been a year since I resigned from my last job. During this year, I didn't try to find a job. In the past, I had several experiences away from work, but after not persisting for too long, I returned to work for various reasons. This time, I am almost determined to test my psychological bottom line: can't you really live a peaceful and happy life without a job?

I don't have a clear business plan either. If you don't have a job, people usually ask if you are starting a business. In a word, people think that you must do something to maintain "personal development".

"personal development" is a word synchronized with "economic development" in this era. This word is enough to create a panic for people. If they don't develop, they will fall behind. It drives people to jump on a working lifeboat and throw themselves into the torrent of "development".

Therefore, a large number of people are doing promising things that they don't like. Those things that are not made out of enthusiasm and craftsman spirit, but only for the pursuit of development, are boring but abound in the world.

Now, it is still the strongest voice of the times, an exciting modern myth and a traditional wisdom that has been repeatedly strengthened to seize the opportunity to develop and start a business to get rich quickly. Few people care or have the courage to ask: why am I unhappy? What should I do if I am unhappy?

I think starting a business that is closer to the traditional mode will still consume your life energy like a job that I don't really like from the heart, and even one day you will ask yourself at a loss: What am I working so hard to earn so little money for, just to let the SB know? (The definition of success by rogue writer Wang Shuo is quoted here). Unless you find an entrepreneurial project whose mission is generally necessary.

IV

I can't firmly embrace my inner dream myself. In the face of powerful traditional wisdom, let alone external resistance, even in your heart, you will unconsciously have a kind of self-distrust, not knowing your inner thoughts, whether it is a passport that will take you to a beautiful new world, or just an SB-style absurd and naive idea that will bring disaster.

The inner drama I often perform is: Well, this idea is too NB, but I can't say it. It makes me look like an SB.

Last year, I sold my house in the suburbs for a large sum of money. I said to my wife, "Wife, let's not buy a house in a hurry, the house price will fall. Let's take this money, quit our job and take our baby around the world for a year."

wife asked: travel around the world? Quit. What about the job? What about children going to school? What if the rest of the money can't buy a suite after you come back?

although I am confident that these problems will be solved for those who really want to enter the world, the great possibility of implementing this idea is to give life a brand-new experience, but in the end, I succumbed to my wife's traditional wisdom. In order to avoid the risk of devaluation of cash and avoid the unstable life of renting and moving, the cash from selling a house will soon be exchanged for a smaller house in the city. And accept the fact that one year after buying a house, the current price of the house fell out of the price of an Audi car. And my dream, it is just a joke that is a bit ridiculous when I think about it, floating in the air like a fart.

Being unemployed is actually forcing yourself to experience: Can you gain a sense of existence without working? Can you not blindly follow the concept of "development", find your true passion and live by it? At present, in such an era of wireless interconnection, the personal living space is infinitely enlarged. Is it possible for you to create living conditions and get your own happiness with new survival wisdom?

Looking back on the years I have lived, the question that comes to my mind is: Where the fuck is your life?

I have a strong impulse to the world, which can be reflected in many things: a huge and domineering wall of books dug out from various places year by year, a skateboard stuffed under the bed, a ukulele in the corner, and n books about cooking and aesthetics ...

Yes, I want to play, I want to make my life colorful, I have too much curiosity about the world and want to learn from various places. To get in touch with different life states, I want to cultivate a higher aesthetic interest in life, and I even want to be a man who can master the essentials of cooking ... But in the anxiety about personal development and natural inertia, these impulses and curiosity are buried, and their interest and curiosity are lost to the more real things involved in development in life. When I was nervous about these impulses, I even told myself in my heart, damn it, you are really immature at this age.

In fact, "development" is often like a carrot in front of a donkey. You always want to stretch your head to reach it, and it will always be one step away from you ...

But real life is not in that carrot. It is in the extreme pleasure you experience because of reading a book, cooking a good meal, playing a tune and flying on a skateboard.

I hope that one year later, when you ask me about this article, I won't still tell you with a sad face that the goals that make me impulsive are still in the dust ...

Yes, saying them will change.

I can say it here in the hope of changing myself.

if you want to make some changes, please join us.

caption: an American writer sitting naked in a suitcase with a pipe; Above: A corner of my bookcase, taking a selfie.