Humorous stories suitable for speeches.

I took the bus yesterday, and an uncle next to me was holding a mobile phone. Suddenly, the phone rang, and the uncle immediately picked it up: "Hello? Hello? " The sound is getting louder and louder. Just when everyone was inquiring about it, he put down the phone and said to himself, "Oh, it's a text message!" " The unit will hold a sports meeting, and the 400-meter race will begin soon. On the court, colleagues are optimistic about Xiao Zhang. To everyone's surprise, Xiao Wang, who is thin, actually won the championship. Colleagues surrounded him and asked, "What makes you play so magic?" He said shyly, "I'm in a hurry to go to the toilet." What I saw on TV said that nutritionists said to eat fruits and vegetables first, then staple food, and finally meat, because fruits and vegetables digest fastest, followed by starch, and protein is the slowest. I think it makes sense. After I ate a melon and a bowl of noodles, I found that my beloved roast duck could not eat any more. . . What nutritionist? You are a liar! ! ! ! Ladies and gentlemen, in your place: What's the weather like today? Today is a good day for a speech. The guests are very prosperous, and I really caught a cold. There are quite a few people here today, it seems to be about 8/5. Don't say anything if you come, raise your hand if you don't! Good, everyone is here! Today, my brother called everyone to a training camp. If my brother says something wrong, we should forgive each other. You are cultural people, all college students, middle school students and international students. You rabble are scientific, and you know English in seven or eight countries. Dude, I'm a lout. I don't even know English in China. You all climbed out of the fence, and I climbed out of the gun. Speaking here today really makes me feel proud and grateful. Actually, I'm not qualified to talk to you. It's like casting pearls before swine, which can be said to stand out from the crowd. Not much to say today, let's start with three outlines. I support the Grand Marshal's new life movement, brother. Just one, pedestrians walk on the right, which is really inappropriate. Think about it. Pedestrians walk on the right. Who will leave the left wing? One more thing, man, I can't figure it out. Foreigners set up embassies in Dongjiaominxiang, and we are short of China. Why don't we build an embassy in China? After all, China people are too weak. The third program, the student basketball match, must be the corruption of the general affairs director. Why is that school so bad? What does it feel like for a dozen people to grab a ball in their underwear? How ugly. Come to my mansion tomorrow to collect some money, buy more balls, and give one to everyone, so as not to argue again. There are no outsiders and no bad guys here today, so I want to tell you three secrets: the first secret can't be told to you for the time being, the second secret is the same as the first one, and the first two points of the third secret have already been mentioned. Today's speech is here. Thank you ladies: "Why? Going to Toastmasters? That's bullshit！ Where can I give a lecture until midnight? " Husband: "Because the speaker stutters." Summarize the latest 22 hilarious jokes, and wish you happiness after reading them! ! ! 1. In high school, after class was over, all the students went outside to buy lunch boxes. A girl took a shortcut before others, and the manhole cover in front of her fell off! After a while, she climbed up with the edge of the well. She was embarrassed. A group of junior high school students walked by in horror. She was in a hurry and said as she climbed, hey! It's really hard to repair ... 2. When I was in middle school, I was bitten by mosquitoes in summer, and it really itched in class, but I couldn't reach in and scratch, I could bear it! It's killing me After class, I stole a box of cool oil from my deskmate (girl) and ran to the toilet. I regret it after wearing it-that * * *, dd stood up and said nothing! I can't stop without clothes in summer, so I have to bend down and move back to the classroom, sit down and lean on the desk and dare not move. Cool oil smells so bad that my deskmate snapped, You stole my cool oil? Where did you wipe it? ! I wish I was dead! I just opened the coke and drank it twice, then shook it and blew it out. Hold it in your mouth, stick it, and finally spray it out of your nose. One day, I got on the bus with a good friend. The front was full, so I ran to the back and there were just two seats. There are two middle school students sitting in the front row. After one stop, a woman in her twenties led a 7-or 8-year-old boy on the bus. (I later learned that this is her child. () There were no seats, so I stood next to those two middle school students. Before long, the child began to make trouble and said that his leg hurt. The middle school student stood up and offered his seat to the child. That * * * said: Let the child do it on your knee. Middle school students agreed. The child sat on the knee of the middle school student. After a few more stops, a girl came over. It's the kind that is extremely beautiful and extremely sexy. A low-cut skirt. When the bus was running, the child suddenly shouted at his mother, "Mom, my brother's little boy is moving!" " Just like dad's. "Wandering around! Hehe, there was a commotion in the car. That middle school student is very ashamed. Pull the classmate, and then shout to the driver: "ring the doorbell!" ！” (He wants to open the door, hehe) Then, he got off. In high school, I woke up at home at noon and ate two oranges. After eating the yellow on my finger, I went straight to school without washing my hands. When I was with my classmates in the afternoon, one of them said, "Why are you so disgusting? You wipe your fingers with shit! " "I said, it's not shit, it's oranges at noon." Then I shook my finger. Two days later, it will be miserable. The whole school knows that a classmate in our school rubbed his fingers after defecating, and repeatedly said that his fingers smelled of oranges when he was dry. One day, he was walking in the street with a beautiful friend. Suddenly, a peddler who bought * * * came to my good friend and said, hey, sister, come and have a look. There's a new movie. My friend is very angry ... What happened? 6. I'm in a hurry to eat in a hotel, the waiter said enthusiastically; There is no bathroom in our hotel. You can go to the toilet opposite. We have an agreement with them. When you get there, you can say that you are eating! 7. One day, a female friend of mine came to me and said, "I am depressed, my blood is bleeding." "Blood collapse?" I asked. "The amount of menstruation is so large!" Answer. Oh, as a man, of course I don't know what a bloody collapse is. There are two flowers, one for each table. A few days later, my boss who hadn't given me a raise for several years suddenly gave me a raise. I sat in my office, smiling with a paycheck, and said, "I feel that I haven't had my period for several months, and today I suddenly have a bloody collapse." When I looked up, the whole office was staring at me. . . 8. In the third year of high school, in chemistry class, the teacher talked about organic chemistry polymers or something. Suddenly the teacher gave an example and drew a "phthalein bond" on the blackboard, telling everyone that this is a "eunuch". Let's give him a "methyl" and laugh. 9. In college, I studied computer. During the internship on the computer, when the teacher dozed off, all beings were crazy about cs. Our captain couldn't hold back his excitement and quickly established a local area network. Classic dust2, the captain shouted: I am cheap (made), I am cheap (made), don't rob me. ——! Don't worry, my captain, we won't fight you. 10. The university handed in a bf, and I haven't been to his dormitory for a long time. One day, I went to his dormitory to find him, and I was very anxious. I opened the door and found him in the whole dormitory. Because they didn't know each other very well, I was a little nervous and asked him where he was going. I don't know why, but I blurted out, "Where's my man? ! "The whole dormitory was silent 10 seconds, and I rushed out of the door. 1 1. What a pity! During the May Day holiday this year, my mother and I went to the shopping mall for a long time. Later I went to a counter selling sports shoes, and my mother asked me to try on a pair of shoes. I was exhausted at that time, and even I felt that my mind was not very clear. ~ ~ ~ Maybe I tried on too many pants before. I began to untie my belt without saying a word, and then naturally I had to pull the pants door. Oh, my God, my mother called. Hey, what are you doing? ! I just recovered! The shoe seller looked at me, stupefied. I really ... hey! Face as hot as a roast pig! What a pity! When I 12. 13 years old, it's my first time to come to my office (menstruation), so I want my mother to buy me sanitary napkins, but ... I think it's also an embarrassing thing to tell my mother. Finally, I called my mother for a long time and finally got up the courage to say to my mother: Mom, I am pregnant (in fact, I was going to say "Mom, I am coming." Huh? My face turned red as soon as I brushed it. Uh ... I'm depressed. 13. When I was in high school, I had lunch with my friends near the school. He ordered a bowl of lasagna and another friend was drinking coke. Then I wonder who told a joke. The coke drinker laughed so hard that coke dripped from his nose. Friends laugh at others' embarrassment, but Zhang Kuan's face comes out of his nostrils! After graduating from college, every time I see him, I can't help laughing. Once I was shopping outside the store outside the station and suddenly rushed over. A man was so anxious that he asked his comrades to pack sanitary napkins for me. I was shocked by the salesman, and later I felt nothing. Maybe I bought it for his wife. The salesman immediately handed him a pack of sanitary napkins for daily use. He said in a hurry that it was not like this. I don't want this kind of sanitary napkin for men. The salesman and I both collapsed at that time ... the man used it 15 and went to the classmate's school for the holiday. It was a woman. She accompanied me around the school and passed a toilet. She said I had to go to the bathroom. Then I said I'd go, too. So I turned and walked to the men's room. Suddenly. After that, I put the paper in my hand ... and then we looked at each other, looking at ... She seemed to suddenly react, blushed and said, just wipe your hands ... I kept whispering in my heart: Don't you know that a boy just needs to shake it twice ... 16. There was a fool near the unit, as if he had undergone some surgery, and his brain suddenly broke, so there were problems with his nerves and brain. Is it? Is it? I was in a hurry to do something when he came over. I think he seems to have something to say to me. I quickly said: Yes, yes, yes, ... As a result, that fool only said two words ... stupid x ... I almost fainted 17. What happened in junior high school ... another person was anxious and scolded: "Your deskmate is a nb!" " The group of people who stayed with us burst into laughter ... 18. In the Chinese class, the text was about the harm of the environment, what was leaked, what was seriously polluted, and what was emotional. The 40-year-old Chinese aunt angrily fell off the platform and said loudly, "You humans! I don't know how to protect the environment ! "The whole class petrochemical 19. When I was in college, I had to queue up at the gym to buy train tickets before the winter vacation next year. One year when I was waiting in line, I suddenly felt someone poking me in the back. Looking back, my classmate handed me a piece of paper and opened it. It said, "I am a girl in a red sweater, about 20 meters later ..." I looked back carefully and found her, blushing and cute, just my type. So I quickly read the contents behind the note, "I have an extra sleeper to Hangzhou." If anyone wants to buy it, please pass the note on ... "20. A man passed by the cemetery at night, saw the fire, thought it was a ghost fire, threw a brick, and the fire moved to another grave. The man had another brick, so he heard it? ***? You can't even shit. You get two bricks when you smoke? 2 1. A new shop assistant remembers everything. An old lady bought a bottle of soy sauce. The clerk said, "I charged you xx yuan, and this is your change. Do you need a straw? The old lady suddenly fainted ... 22. Once after school, my deskmate asked me to have dinner with her. When she left, she kindly reminded me to "go to the toilet". I may just want to eat and blurt out "I'm not hungry" ... Looking back, my deskmate squatted on the ground laughing ~→ The authoritative professional original answer found that plagiarism was all a complaint.