Humor experts tell some jokes.

1. Lv Xiucai: The breeze and the bright moon tickle my heart, dig my heart! (asking the proprietress) What other words are there?

Boss: Steal my heart!

Lv Xiucai: Yes! The breeze and the bright moon stole my heart!

Thief: Are you such a thief? Stealing, cleaning people's houses.

Stealing Saint (White): Can it be done without cleaning? I have to follow the footprints.

Thief: You have something. You will return them to others in a few days.

Theft of Saint: Can I not send it back? You are not in a hurry to lose things!

3. Li Dazui's mother: I eat more salt than you eat!

Li Dazui: That's your mouth!

Li Dazui's mother: I have crossed more bridges than you have!

Li Dazui: That's because I'm too lazy to move!

4. Guo Furong Kuixing Catcher: It's really a bully in the Seven Chivalries!

Li Dazui: Who is that mother?

5. proprietress: a woman's happiness is to marry a man and serve him all her life.

Guo Furong: Why didn't he wait on me all his life?

Boss: You know why you can't get married.

6. Teacher: Is this Li Kui jy?

Mo Xiaobei: No, this is Zhang Fei.

Teacher: Oh, how about this?

Mo Xiaobei: Yue Fei.

Teacher: How about this?

Mo Xiaobei: Faye Wong.

Everybody: What does Faye Wong do?

One more actor: sing!

7. Laobai: Read the whole Norwegian forest.

Scholar: Come on, what age is this? There is no such petty book to read.

Laobai: No, you can't write?

8. Scholar: Zi once said, "It is impolite to come and not go."

Oh, so you molested her?

9. Scholar: Why not let me write Spring Festival couplets?

Wife of shop-owner: Your handwriting is too thin to celebrate. Save it for Qingming.

10. Boss: What's your goal?

Guo Furong: Be an incomparable woman.

Mother-in-law: Why do you carry it so far? Say it closer.

Guo Furong: A raise.

Boss: This one is farther than the previous one.

1. The riddle of tortoise's ass: regulation;

2. The answer to the tortoise's handstand: There are regulations on it;

3. Turtle somersault mystery: one regulation after another;

There is a little turtle on the turtle's back: there are new rules on it!

5. Three turtles, the one in the middle suddenly peed. Answer: Alas, the central regulations have changed again!

6. The tortoise built a house and climbed in. The answer is: the middle cover;

7. The tortoise climbed out, demolished the house and built another one. The answer is: there is a new cover in the middle;

8. The tortoise climbed out to tear down the house and build it, and climbed in again. Answer: giants can build!

There was a man who ventured alone in the forest.

Suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals.

So he shouted to the sky:

"I'm dead, God help me!"

I see a light in the sky.

There is a voice:

"Not necessarily,

Then you pick up a big stone on the ground,

Kill the leader. "

So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground,

Hit the chief hard,

Shoot the director directly.

All the people stayed for a while,

And glared at each other,

Then there was a voice in the sky:

"Now you are really dead."

A farmer went to catch a train. After getting on the bus, he suddenly wanted to relieve himself, but the toilet was full, so he simply stuffed his ass out of the window and pulled it. At this time, the flight attendant with poor eyes shouted, "The train is leaving. Hey! Don't stick your head out to eat fritters! "

I'll tell you a joke in life. One day, when Xiao Wang and Xiao Zhang were playing, Xiao Wang said to Xiao Zhang, "Let's do push-ups." Xiao Zhang said, "OK, you go first." So Wang Yilian made 20, and his head was covered with sweat. Then Xiao Zhang said, "OK, you win."

Today is my birthday. My girlfriend called early to say that she would come home at night to celebrate my birthday and give me a surprise! Hear the good news! I worked hard today and ran a dozen customers! Back to the company. It is three o'clock in the afternoon. When I went to the canteen, I found only one miserable dish and one soup, three beans fried with meat (fried soybeans, green beans and peas) and radish soup. No way, after running all morning, the customer's stomach was growling, so he had to order a big plate of fried three beans with meat and a big pot of radish soup to eat! Unexpectedly, after work, my stomach is like the engine of a cross-country jeep! -The intense piston movement started! In a flash, puffs of gas rushed out of my body! I rushed to a place where no one was there, and my stomach began to sing softly in embarrassment, but immediately it became a rapid-fire puff! My stomach is so swollen! Just then, my girlfriend called and said that she had arrived home, and asked me to go home quickly. Alas! I have no choice but to go home. I hope she won't see my embarrassment! …

On the way home, I deliberately tried to fart a lot. Almost home, my stomach feels much better. I think there should be no more problems. I saw my girlfriend waiting at the door from a distance. She looks a little excited. She shouted, "honey, I have prepared a wonderful gift for you tonight, which will definitely surprise you."

Before entering the door, my girlfriend covered my eyes tightly with a piece of cloth and said that she would give me a surprise! He took me to a chair in front of the dining table and made me swear not to peek. Suddenly, I want to fart again. Just then, my girlfriend's cell phone rang. This saved my life! I made an excuse that it was too messy and asked her to answer the phone in the other room! She insisted that I couldn't open the blindfold and made me swear! Then I ran to the other room to answer the phone.

As soon as she left, I seized the opportunity, put all my weight on one leg and let my fart out. This fart not only rings, but also smells like rotten eggs. I could hardly breathe, so I touched the chair cushion and fanned it hard to get rid of the bad smell.

Just when my mood improved, another fart came again. I raised my leg again and started to release it! It sounds like the rapid rotation of a diesel engine, and the smell is even worse this time. In order not to suffocate myself, I fanned the chair cushion with my arm, hoping that the smell would dissipate as soon as possible.

When everything is about to return to normal, another fart can't wait to come. So I stood up, bent down, pursed my ass and leaned back! Let it out. This fart is really first-class, and even the newspapers behind it are blown to the ground. ..........

I listened to my girlfriend's voice in the other room, and I was afraid to open the blindfold because I had to keep my promise not to peek. I just kept farting in the dark, in order to quickly expel all the gas in my stomach without making the room worse! I unbuttoned my trousers, took off my underwear and pants below my stomach, exposed my ass, groped for the door of the balcony behind me, almost extended my whole ass to the balcony, and began to fart wildly ..., ah! Much better! After that, I danced and fanned the chair cushions all over the room, praying that the stench would dissipate quickly ... In this way, I kept farting and fanning the chair cushions for the next ten minutes. Finally, when I heard her say goodbye on the phone, the air in the room and my stomach were much better! I quickly tied my pants and arranged my hair, and began to wait for my dear girl to give me an elegant smile.

When she approached, I had a satisfied smile and warm eyes on my face. My girlfriend first apologized for taking so long to call me, and then asked me if I had secretly opened the cloth. After I assured her that I didn't peek, my girlfriend took off the cloth that covered my eyes and said to me, "What a surprise! My girlfriend insisted that I bring them to see you today. They say you are very graceful and handsome in the photo! Here! You see, the five people sitting at the table are my good sisters, and the six people standing on the balcony are my best friends at school! "

At this time, I was extremely shocked and horrified to find that there were a lot of girls sitting on the table opposite me, while there was another pile standing on the balcony behind me. They all came to this birthday party that surprised me very much. Now, each of them looks at me with an indescribable expression on his face, as if he had found a Martian.

Although Sima Qian was imprisoned many times, he endured the pain again and again and wrote a great historical record with tenacious perseverance.

(over and over again? )

2. Some people say that there are three major hates in life: firstly, crucian carp is prickly, and secondly, begonia is tasteless. I forgot the third hate, but I think the third hate should be: the third hate of ruined vision.

(Although it rhymes, I tell you that this is what Zhang Ailing said, and finally I hate that A Dream of Red Mansions is a big pit ...)

3, no vision, just like a barren wild ghost. /Without a vision, you have no home like a ghost.

A life without vision is like a dish without monosodium glutamate, which can be eaten but not fresh.

A person who has no vision, just like having no spine, can't stand straight and can't stand back. He can only crawl on the road of life, the sun can't shine on him, and the goddess of fortune won't care for such a person.

Vision, you are more important than air! I haven't found it yet ...)

My father loves me like a relative.

What's more, you are always picked out of the trash by your father? )

The sun is getting closer and closer to us, just like a golden cake.

(this classmate ... did you come to the exam without breakfast? )

6. I hope to have healthy legs and a smart brain. ...

8. There is a kind of inferiority called self-confidence, and there is a kind of falling called getting up.

This classmate is a philosopher of the new era.

9. A neck without self-esteem cannot support a confident head.

I want to know what kind of neck is called a "neck with self-esteem"! )

10, no background, go directly to the front desk.

At first glance, I don't know what I'm talking about. When I think about it, it seems a little picky ... but when I think about it, I don't know what he is going to say ... just to rhyme? ! )

1 1, why do eyes grow on both sides? Because they are used to looking forward.

Classmate, your logic is beyond my rational scope ...

12, life is like a cup of boiled water, plain and unremarkable; But it is like a cup of boiled water with sugar, sweet; Also like a cup of boiled water with salt, salty.

(This ... or boiled water? ! )

13, the horse has fine hair and fat hooves, and the son steals the father but not the thief; Blind uncles and aunts have lived for half their lives, and no one has seen anyone.

Classmate, are you Mr Degang Guo's son? )

14, Montesquieu was born into a noble family. Although he lived a comfortable life since childhood, he looked at the changing clouds in the sky and suddenly made a decision that shocked history, that is, he devoted himself to the revolutionary torrent of the bourgeoisie.

It turned out that Meng's night view of the sky suddenly had an epiphany ...)

15, life is precious, love is more expensive; If it is a matter of life and death, both can be thrown away.

(Just because petofi has passed the 50-year copyright protection period can't be so bad ...)

17, entered senior three, and lived a life of "getting up earlier than chickens, sleeping later than dogs, eating worse than pigs and doing more than cows". Although eating is much better than pigs, cooking is more than cattle. At this moment, my vision is ...

(The poor child ... touched it sympathetically and said to Gao Yubao: You saw the wound! Zhou skinned is actually very human to you! )

18, my biggest vision is to have the habit of swearing. Although I have to abide by the five stresses and four beauties, I am afraid that only sitting on the roof for three hours without repeating the same thing can I solve my grievances. Writing here, my palms are sweating, because I complain about this paper, because it determines my future and prospects. I 12 years' study career is decided by this paper less than half a meter and some ink marks. I'm not satisfied. But I don't have to divide it.

(son ... are you ready to go abroad before coming to the exam? )

19, God gave us worldly desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

(deep! )

20. My vision is to get into a good university and find a good job, so that my son can get into a good university and find a good job in the future.

Why do I think of the passage that a reporter interviewed a shepherd boy in a political book? ! )

2 1, many of my classmates had their eyes done in order to be admitted to military schools or police schools.

(do? ! Shake ... why are you doing this? ! )

22. Haizi said: I want to find a house, facing the sea and blooming in spring.

(You old save it! Now the seaside garden villa is expensive, and you can't afford it if you find it! )

24. Tagore said: The night gave me black eyes, but I used them to look for light.

Do you believe Gu Cheng will come to you with an axe in the middle of the night? )

25, miluo river, xiang yu holding a sword on his neck, he shouted. ...

He shouted: Qu Yuan's little kiss, why did you leave me so early? ! ! )

26, drunkards know: there should be no hate, when it grows round. ...

(Su Shi to Ouyang Xiu: Everyone is familiar with it, so I will sue you for plagiarism! )

27. Tao Yuanming, who lived an idyllic life in Taohuayuan, wrote a famous sentence: "The shadow is shallow, and the fragrance floats on the moon." ...

(Well ... I admit ... actually, I can't guarantee that Lin Bu won't be Tao Yuanming's neighbor. )

28. When Yu Pingbo practiced the piano for Zhong Ziqi, he was looking for mountains and rivers, and the sound of the piano was his vision.

29. Han Yu went to war with Liu Bang. One day, ...

Madame Curie invented fish radium, and her idea came true. ...

Madame Curie, you died unjustly ... who knew this torpedo had radiation! )

At 3 1, Sima Qian was brutally castrated and endured humiliation, because he knew that "there are three unfilial, and none is great", so ...

(So ...? ! )

After suffering from castration, Sima Qian had to endure the pain of breaking his leg. ...

I beg you! It's bad enough that grandpa Sima was castrated again and again! Stop abusing him! )

33. After Sima Qian's corruption was put to death, he wrote Historical Records, the eternal swan song, regardless of the decay of his body. ...

(outrageous! I am completely speechless ...)

34. When I saw Sima Qian's great achievements and overall situation after being imprisoned, I couldn't help but sigh: 360 lines, each line is the champion.

(fuck, right! And eunuchs can also be the number one scholar in this line! )

35. Sima Qian, a generation of men, voluntarily accepted castration because he was far-sighted-that is, Datang did not have a history book of his own, so he endured humiliation and completed historical records for Datang.

(lift the table! Who did Sima Qian recruit and provoke? I can't believe you won't let him out of this mess! He was abused from the Han Dynasty to the Tang Dynasty-please, classmates, have pity on the old man, he has had enough ...)

36, because pigs = eat+sleep,

I = eat+sleep+study;

So, I = pig+study.

(Really ... I am very touched, this is the simple and profound dialectics of the working people)

Time is like a cup of concentrated sulfuric acid, which can corrode everything. ...

Classmate, are you the representative of the school chemistry class? )

My friend, face your vision with the feeling of death, and it will be closer to you.

(Who dares ...)

39. My name is Zhang San. I do my homework at home at three o'clock, but I'm thinking about three apples in the cupboard. My aunt knew about it and told my father. My father slapped me three times.

(Don't be "three"! I know you are a candidate in Hubei! )

(Hubei volume composition topic:

Idiom: think twice before you act. There must be a teacher in a threesome. What can you learn from the above idioms with the word "three"?

40. It takes a few days for a hen to give birth to a chick.

I see, poor hen-I finally understand how cheap 2.8 kilograms of eggs are compared with your pain! )

4 1, the three of us, father, mother and sister.

(Dare to ask-who are you? )

In the distance, a girl came.

I want to know boys and girls ...

43. What is analogy? Just give one example and compare three examples.

Your Chinese teacher will commit suicide ...

44, three people into a tiger means that the strength of three people adds up to be as strong as a tiger, so we must unite.

(Chinese teacher above, do you mind coming back to life and committing suicide again?

If you want to jump off a building,

If you want to turn into meat sauce, please go to the tenth floor.

If you want to hurry, please go to the ninth floor.

If you want to catch your breath, please go to the eighth floor.

If you want to struggle, please go to the seventh floor.

If you have any last words, please go to the sixth floor.

If you just want to be disabled, please go to the fifth floor.

If you only want to be hospitalized, please go to the fourth floor.

If you just want to scare people, please go to the third floor.

If you are just interested, please go to the second floor.

If you want to be called crazy, please go to the first floor.

Those who are good at jumping please go to the basement! ~~~~

One day, Detective Holmes and his old partner Watson went out for a picnic and set up their tent under a starry sky. In the evening, Holmes woke Watson and asked him, "Watson, look at the stars in the sky and tell me what you can infer." Watson said, "I see thousands of stars. If some stars have satellites, then some of them must be like the earth; If there is a satellite like the earth, then there must be life on the satellite. " Holmes replied, "Watson, you idiot, our tent was stolen."

This can satisfy ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~