Ask for some cold jokes, the more the better.

I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I chased and shouted, "master, wait for me, master, wait for me!" " ...... "This is a passenger sticking his head out of the window and saying to me," Wukong, stop chasing, Bajie will camel you! "

2. Witnesses to traffic accidents

An overseas student from China witnessed a traffic accident in California, USA, and never left because of curiosity. When the police arrived, they asked him if he knew what had happened. He said, "One car comes, one car goes, two cars Pumbaa, one car dies."

3. It's hard to follow one's inclinations

A girl was sitting in a seat, chewing gum desperately, but her foot reached into the passage next to the desk and was found by the teacher. "Mary!" The teacher shouted at her sternly. "What is it, teacher?" The girl replied. "Take the gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

4. Death penalty

In prison, a condemned man was fidgeting. A kind guard said to him, "Don't be afraid, the current is very strong, and it won't hurt in a blink of an eye." At this time, there was a scream from the execution ground. "What's that noise?" Asked the condemned man trembling. "I don't know." The guard said, go to the execution ground and see what happened. "Nothing, catch up with the power failure, so we have to use candles." The guard said casually.

5. Water-splashing Festival

During the Songkran Festival, everyone splashed water on each other to bless them. Suddenly a man scolded: Shit, who spilled water on me? Others advised that throwing you is a blessing. Don't do that, the curse said. Who threw boiling water at me?

work overtime

It is common for advertising companies to work overtime. Every six o'clock in the afternoon, many colleagues will call home and inform them that they have to burn the midnight oil and can't go home for dinner. I always feel sour when I listen to it, but once, a colleague who is a father called home, but it made people feel warm and interesting: "Hey, are you a whirlwind?" You tell Superwoman that six million dollar man won't go back to Huaguoshan to eat vegetarian peaches today. Goodbye! "

7. centipede outing

A lonely man bought a centipede as a gift and took it home in a box. Later, he wanted to go for a walk with his new friends, so he knocked on the box and said, "Hey, buddy, shall we go for a walk?" There is no sound in the box. After a while, the man knocked on the box again and said, "Do you want to go out for a walk?" The centipede still didn't answer. He decided to ask for the last time, so he put his face on the box and shouted, "Hey, are you interested in going for a walk?" A faint voice finally came from the box: "I heard it the first time you called me." I am busy putting on my shoes! " "

8. The consulting fee is too high

Psychologist: "I've been too impatient and nervous recently, and I need to see a psychiatrist." Friend: "But aren't you the best doctor in your field?" Psychologist: "I know, but my consultation fee is too expensive."

9. What a shame

Outside the delivery room of the hospital, a group of men are waiting to become new fathers. A nurse hurried out of the delivery room and said to one of them, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth!" " "Another man threw cigarette butts on the ground, jumped up and shouted," how dare you! I got there before him. Why isn't it my turn yet? "

10. West Point Military Academy

My father, brother and I went to West Point Military Academy to watch a football match between the Army and Boston University. Before we started, we walked around and met many students in neat uniforms. Several tourists asked the recruits if they would pretend to be soldiers and let them shoot. "So our son can know what he will get if he comes to West Point to study." A middle-aged couple walked up to a very beautiful female student and asked her if she would like to pose for a photo. They explained, "We want our son to know what he missed when he didn't come to West Point Military Academy."

Two jokes

Tractors overtake BMW cars.

Once upon a time, a farmer went to town on business and drove a tractor. He suddenly ran out of gas on the road, so he thought of finding a car to tow him for a while, and just behind him came a BMW. As soon as he waved, fortunately, the buddy stopped. The buddy estimated that he was a little drunk and agreed to give him a ride. So they discussed: the farmer's left hand is ok, but his right hand is too fast to stand. So they hit the road. At first, the farmer hit straight with his left hand, indicating that the speed was ok. Suddenly, with a whoosh, a Ferrari overtook BMW. This guy doesn't want to overtake my car-I'll go after him! A throttle arrow caught up, which was terrible. Farmers can't stand it in the back, so they just hit their right hands. Just passing a traffic intersection, I brushed it and saw a traffic policeman standing there dumbfounded. Then he reported to the headquarters: report to the headquarters that there are illegal racing cars between Ferrari and BMW, and even more, there are tractors to overtake! Hahaha! Because in the traffic rules: playing the right hand is overtaking!

Turn to death

There is a family named Pan, and the elders in the family passed away.

At the family festival, an old gentleman with a strong accent was invited to be the master of ceremonies.

The obituary says this:

Filial piety: Pangenko

Filial piety: Chi family

Filial piety granddaughter: Pan Liangci

Filial piety: Pan Daoshi

But this old gentleman is blind and his pronunciation is not standard.

When he called the roll according to the obituary, anyone who literally had three points of water or left the capital missed it.

So I read it to him like this: "Be filial, turn over ... and fight with ..."

Hearing this, the filial piety man felt very strange, but he was afraid to ask, so he turned a somersault.

Then he said, "Filial piety, too ... is ..."

Hearing this, the filial daughter-in-law said, "I want to turn it over, too?" So the filial daughter-in-law also turned a somersault.

Again: "Filial piety granddaughter, turn it over twice. 」

Hearing this, the filial granddaughter thought that her parents had turned over, so I turned over! So I turned two somersaults.

At this time, Sun Xiao thought to herself, "Mom and Dad turned it over once, and my sister turned it over twice. How many times should I turn it over?" I started to get nervous when I thought about it: "What should I do? 」

I saw the old man slit his throat and read aloud:

"Filial piety sun ... turn to ... go to hell ..."