It's okay. I'm in no hurry. I'll talk to you when you wake up. How should I reply to her?

Do you feel tired when you get along with lovers who escape from reality?

I want to hear a few sweet words, but the other person's eyes are free and I can't say a promise. I said a lot from the heart, looking forward to sincere and profound communication, but my lover gave a faint "well" sound, as if I didn't hear it; After the quarrel, the other party disappeared for several days, and the phone didn't answer the message, and he was so angry that he was about to explode. He said he was just quiet.

Why is he always used to avoiding and unable to face problems?

Lovers are used to escaping because the intensity of the conflict exceeds his psychological endurance. For the purpose of self-protection, he will choose to leave before his emotional breakdown to reduce his inner shock.

Everyone's tolerance is limited, just like a container, which can only carry a certain limit of negative emotions. When the expected pressure from the outside is too great and exceeds our inner "red warning line", then we may want to escape immediately and avoid the "pressure source" that brings strong stimulation.

For the other half of avoidant attachment, the bottle carrying his emotions is too small, and a little contradiction can trigger the "alarm mechanism" in his heart. Strong anxiety aroused his impulse to avoid or even run away.

Maybe some people rationally know that they can't run away, which will cause serious harm to their feelings. But the excessive pain makes them subconsciously isolate themselves from their lovers and keep the negative emotions brought about by the quarrel out of the door. So what is presented to us is his apparent indifference, as if he didn't hear us at all. His indifference is disappointment and anger.

If you can peel his heart like an onion, you may see a helpless little boy. Unable to cope with the pain of conflict, he covered his ears and curled up in the corner, completely isolated from the outside world and unable to respond in time. When you have a cold war with the other half who is used to avoiding, maybe both sides suffer greatly.

The other half showed an avoidant attachment pattern because they had pessimistic expectations of intimacy. They are afraid that this relationship will break down one day, but they are abandoned and hurt by their lover when they open their hearts. Therefore, when love heats up and the two sides get closer, they will push you away and deliberately keep a certain distance.

Maybe you have this idea in your heart: "Since the relationship has developed, you should also say more sweet words to coax me, so that I can rely on you more." But making a commitment and establishing a deeper emotional connection will cause the other person's insecurity: "I have paid so much, what if I can't get to the end?"

They may amplify the friction between two people and constantly remind themselves that this relationship is risky and needs to avoid commitment and expose the fragile side. Deep-rooted insecurity and low risk tolerance make it difficult for lovers to respond to our love and expectation for him.

Accustomed to pretending to be an ostrich and playing missing, it is also the lover's lack of self-awareness and expression ability, which makes it difficult to capture emotions well and communicate with us in words.

Many people are not good at expressing themselves, especially intense and negative emotions. Perhaps when being asked and quarreling, lovers will have a lot of emotions flowing: for example, anxiety and self-doubt when making promises, anxiety and fear about the future, or anger and injustice when quarreling.

If the other person can't understand and master his emotional state and communicate with you smoothly, then his inexplicable irritability will dominate. Become very emotional, treat you with indifference and evasion, and let you experience his unspeakable insecurity in suffering. Therefore, habitual avoidance is actually that he uses his own behavior to say "subtext" and let you "listen" to understand his inner negative emotions.

So how do you get along with an avoidant attachment boyfriend?

(1) Set a "truce" signal in case of conflict, and give the other party time and patience to adjust themselves. We can make an agreement with the other half: when he feels stressed and wants to escape, he can take the initiative to signal the end of the quarrel and estimate the time needed to calm down. For example, "I want to rest for two hours." After hearing this, no matter how dissatisfied you are with him, bear it for a while and come back to communicate when you calm down a little.

When such a solution mode is formed, lovers will feel: "I am safe and can stop and adjust at any time." With the establishment of a sense of security and trust, the lover's ability to accommodate negative emotions is enhanced, and the "alarm device" will not be triggered at all, and he is ready to start the escape mode at any time.

(2) Help your lover find a suitable adjustment method and encourage him to solve negative emotions in time. Sometimes, the avoidance of the other half is mainly caused by external factors, such as recent work pressure or unhappiness with the boss and colleagues. With full of negative emotions, perhaps some contradictions between two people activated his impulse to escape.

In order to avoid external factors, you can encourage the object to exercise actively, go out to play ball with friends from time to time, or have a big meal at the party. When lovers find ways to vent negative emotions and form a good habit of timely adjustment, it is not easy to accumulate emotions to a critical point and choose to escape.

(3) Provide stable emotional support to your lover, let him feel the feeling of being understood and accepted, and gradually establish the confidence of intimate relationship. The object has avoidant attachment mode, and the important reason is strong anxiety and distrust. He was always worried that his relationship would break up, so we left him.

To solve this problem, we need to tell each other with firm words, expressions and body movements: "Dear, I will stay here with you and never give up." When he wants to dodge, silently give him room to adjust; When he needed warmth and comfort, he also appeared in time to meet his psychological needs.

After several temptations, lovers will gradually believe: "Someone is willing to tolerate me and give me understanding and support." After accumulating enough safety experience, the other half will also change their pessimistic expectations of feelings and be less worried and ashamed of commitment.

(4) Understand the emotions of him and his lover, and guide him to express himself in words. If emotions cannot be expressed in words, they are likely to be conveyed through behavior. And your feelings are like a mirror, which can show the "subtext" that the other person wants you to know.

For example, when we want the other half to say more sweet words, so that we can get emotional comfort but don't respond, we can use this emotion to understand him: "Dear, when you didn't respond to me, I really felt disappointed, miserable and insecure. Do you feel that you have no bottom in your heart and are worried that you will not meet my expectations? "

When he says "Yes, I'm anxious, I'm always worried …", we can guide him to speak slowly and release all his worries. In this way, he will not blindly use escape to present negative emotions.