What jokes make you laugh?

1. I want to take Baba's mother out for a trip. Baba's mom wants to take the high-speed train, and I want to fly. Me: Plane 500, high-speed rail 600. Let's fly! Baba is not happy to come: the plane takes more than an hour in 500 yuan, and the high-speed train takes five hours in 600 yuan. Which do you think is cheaper? How did I give birth to a stupid son like you?

2. My friend's company issued new work clothes, which were big when it was reported, XXL. A female colleague said to him, come, I'll make it smaller for you. To be honest, I didn't expect that there are still girls who can do this now. The next day, my colleague changed clothes and brought them to the company. The dress is still the same dress, but the label on the collar has been erased by correction fluid and turned into an L.

Be a man and stop nagging you. I'm not sticking to you, and I'm not looking for you I had a good talk with you, and people were indifferent, so congratulations, you have successfully lost him. Or he doesn't love you anymore. Hold on, don't think a boy is naive because he likes you. If he doesn't like you, he is more mature than your father!

4. People's potential can be stimulated. For example, if you give me 50 kg of bricks, I may not be able to carry them, but if you give me 100 kg of RMB, I will definitely pick them up and run.

5. My little nephew saw me during the Chinese New Year and said, Uncle, it's the Chinese New Year. Give me the lucky money quickly. I knew this little bastard didn't hold back his fart, so I immediately took out fifty dollars from my wallet and prepared to send him away. The boy saw that I took a fifty-dollar bill and immediately said, Uncle, if that's the case, I'll take this fifty-dollar bill to shave my head. "Come on, 200, get out of here."

6. A young man bought a mobile phone for MM with 2000 yuan, of which 1500 yuan stayed with 500 yuan for dinner and a room, and rode a battery car to find MM. MM said: You are a good man, but we are really not suitable. Improvement scheme: A young man, 700 yuan, rented a BMW5, and then 300 yuan went to the wholesale market to buy 99 roses, telling MM that he likes to go to those romantic snack bars hand in hand, and the maximum consumption is 100 yuan. MM watched the sunrise with him the next day, also because of love. ...

7. The young man asked the master, "I helped an old man yesterday and was wronged by 2000 yuan. I lost 1500 while driving this morning. What's wrong with the world? " The master took a cup for the young man to hold in his hand, and then began to pour it into boiling water. When the water overflowed, the cup crashed to the ground and broke into pieces. The young man suddenly realized, "Does the master mean that you will understand only after suffering?" The master shook his head and said, "No, this cup belongs to the Qianlong period. Just pay 30 thousand yuan. "

Twenty years ago, I was an apprentice in a small restaurant and slept in the lobby of the hotel at night. One night, both the boss and the proprietress went out and there were no guests. Only me and the waiter were there. /kloc-at the end of 0/2, she came to tell me that I couldn't sleep and asked me to watch TV with her, so she opened a room to watch TV ... I watched TV in bed and she rolled on the bed. Finally,

Now that I think about it, I regret missing an important experience in my life. ...

There was no money to farm, so Lao Wang and his wife decided to work in the city.

Lao Wang went to the construction site as a coolie, helping bricklayers and shoveling ash. The teacher complained that Lao Wang couldn't keep up with the rhythm of shoveling ash, and said to Lao Wang, you have a good eye for your work, and wherever I reach, you can get the ash.

Lao Wang is so angry!

At this time, the master wiped the sweat on his neck with his hand. Lao Wang buckled a spoonful of ash on the master's son. Didn't you tell me where I put my hand?

Lao Wang was fired and took a taxi home. The driver is a woman in her forties. Lao Wang said people because they are beautiful. Sister, how old are you?

45 years old.

Sister is really young, and I think you are only in your twenties.

Dude, you really have an eye. I was only twenty years old when I died!

Lao Wang was so scared that he opened the car door, jumped out of the car and ran.

When he got home, Lao Wang saw his wife cooking behind her back. He walked behind her and put out two fingers to dig a ditch for her.

What are you doing, brother-in-law!

Lao Wang mistook one for another at a glance, so he extended his finger to his sister-in-law: two more dishes!

At this time, my wife came out of the back room and just saw this scene. She shouted at Lao Wang, old thing, what are you doing!

It's nothing. Your sister is my sister. What can I do with her? Don't you believe me?

Wife scolds: Didn't you tell my sister at the beginning? You old beast!

Lao Wang asked his wife, why did you come back?

The wife said: Don't mention it. I work as a waiter in a restaurant. A group of clients came yesterday, and I went to receive them. One of the customers said, tea!

I will light up the guests one by one: 1...2...3 ... 4 ... 5...6 ...7.

The customer said, I let you pour the tea!

Check! 7……6……5……4……3……2…… 1。

The customer is angry: What are you?

I said, I am a pig.

The customers complained to the boss that I abused them. I was fired by my boss. Do you think I am unfair?

Sister-in-law replied, what have you wronged? I am very wronged! My husband didn't know who told me last night that someone saw me coming out of the hotel with a man in his forties. I am so wronged, there is no such thing! That man is over sixty years old.

My husband also asked me how many men I had and said that if I named one, he would give me 100 yuan. Joke, I just sent him that 32 thousand yuan!

I remember one thing. In the 1990s, I was about five years old when I was a child. Mother went to work in the field, and my sister and I played at home. My sister wants to drink water. There were no drinking fountains at that time. When I was a child, I drank water from an underground well. I can't get water from the well. Fortunately, there is a self-priming motor at home. At that time, the switch was pulled with a rope. I don't know if you've seen it, but here's the thing.

As soon as I arrived at Ramada, I started pumping water, but the rope broke and I held it in my hand. I can't turn off the pump in a hurry There was water all over the floor, so I hurried to the ground to find my mother. Fortunately, I know the way underground and met my aunt on the way. I asked my aunt when my mother would come back. My aunt said that your mother was taken away by the old monk, and she was miserable. Every time I asked her, she told me so, but I ignored her and left with my sister. When I arrived in the field, my mother was pulling weeds, so I told her that the rope of the water pump motor at home was broken and the yard was full of water. My mother asked me to keep an eye on my sister. She went home and turned off the water. My mother went back and thought she was in trouble. Help me pull up the grass so that my mother won't criticize me. I started pulling weeds with my sister. Later, my mother came back and watched me pull the grass. Xiaoyu, how did you pull out the wheat seedlings? .......

Haha, when I saw this question, I couldn't help but click in and answer it.

Tell me about my real experience.

Because it's very hot these days, maybe something is broken, with loose bowels and a lot of fart.

When eating in the canteen at noon, I couldn't help it. The toilet is far from the place where I eat.

Take a gamble and turn a bicycle into a motorcycle. With the experience of winning before, it is better to take a gamble. What if the bet is right? That solved the urgent need at that time. I bet that would be a fart. At that time, I relaxed and lowered my voice. I didn't expect the chrysanthemum to be loose. I didn't expect that.

Our colleague didn't hear the sound, or said, are there any dead mice in the canteen? I wanted to die then.

1. It's just a little dark at night. A couple are walking on the playground. Boys 190 wore black down jackets, while girls 155 wore red down jackets. Suddenly, the voice of the dean came from the radio and said, "The boy in the black down jacket didn't go to study for himself at night. What are you doing wandering around the playground with a red thermos? "

2. I remember drinking too much once, dripping and not seeing clearly. It was raining that day, and the man came to see me for a long time and looked around me for a long time.

I said, "Where's your car?"

He said, "Where's your car?"

Seeing a CET-4 candidate say "kowtow", I didn't know how to translate it, so I translated it in a hurry on the test paper.

kowtow

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

This candidate wants to laugh me to death and then inherit my CET-4 score.

hahaha

4. I remember once taking a bus, next to a couple, the woman was sitting and the man was standing talking. Suddenly, the driver slammed on the brakes and threw me into the woman's arms. I was so embarrassed that when I looked up, this big brother was already murderous.

I, a five-foot man, of course, am responsible for all the important things in my family. Please note that when I say all the important things in the family, the important word "heavy" is not grand and heavy, but very heavy. It's just that the financial power is completely shared by my wife, so I don't have to bother. No, two days ago, my wife and I applied for 10 yuan to get a haircut during the afternoon break. I'm afraid my wife will give you ten yuan for a haircut some time ago. Why do you need money for a haircut so soon? I said that the last time you cut my hair was three months ago, and I haven't cut my hair for three months. My wife is happy to say, yes. You know you only get a haircut every three months. How many hairs do you have without touching your head? For three months, I pulled out 357 pieces every day, and all of them were pulled out. Why do you have to spend ten dollars to get a haircut at home? It's good to have a housewife. In the past two days, three or five or seven hairs have been pulled out every day.

One,

In public, Lao Wang leaned over to tie his sister's shoelaces and covered his mouth tightly. His moved words were instantly suppressed in his eyes, and he was about to cry ... Lao Wang looked up and said lightly, "Tie it tightly so as not to lose its flavor ~"

Second,

A male ticket from other places bought me a new mobile phone. I'm so happy to video chat with him tonight. At the end of the chat, he said to me with concern: go to bed early, don't stay up late to play with your mobile phone, it's not good for your new mobile phone.

Third,

When I was four or five years old, I was taken by my aunt to watch horror movies, which scared me to go to the toilet. "Aunt, I dare not go to the toilet. There will be a hand sticking out of the toilet. " Aunt replied: "Don't be afraid, baby, he is wiping your ass ..."

Fourth,

Brother, what's your name? My surname is Dongfang. When I was born, my father had high hopes for me and hoped that I would be invincible all my life ... so what's your name? Yes, you guessed it! I'll call Dongfang Laoying!

Five,

Isn't smoking allowed on the high-speed rail? When I arrive at the station, there are always old smokers who stop for three or two minutes and come down to take a few sips. Just now, they came down to smoke with a big brother. The stewardess sister said inexplicably: What's there to smoke? Why do you smoke? Eldest brother flicked off cigarette butts at random, looked at his sister and said meaningfully, In order to wait for a woman who advised me to quit smoking. ...

This forced me to be a little caught off guard. ...

Six,

I just bought two bottles of drinks and one bottle of 6 yuan. I took out my wallet and gave it to the cashier 10 yuan. She looked up at her purse and said, "Give me a dollar on the mezzanine. Here is your change."

I took it out and handed it to her. Then she handed me five steel hops. So I looked at her for five minutes ...

Seven,

At that time, there were no household appliances, and things like watches were only seen in books. At that time, 5 cents was relatively large, almost as big as a dollar coin now. A person suddenly had an inspiration. He punched holes in both sides of a nickel, and then put a rope on his hand. One day, walking along the road, several people met by chance. They saw him holding a watch in the distance and asked what time it was. He said awkwardly, "It's still five minutes away ~"

Eight,

"A noble lady is about to get married, and her mother told her," When you are on your honeymoon, you should not take off all your clothes at once, but keep a little reserved. "

After returning from the honeymoon, the groom asked his mother-in-law, "Is there anything unusual about your daughter at home?"

My mother-in-law replied: "No! What's wrong? "

The groom complained, "When we were on our honeymoon, she wore a hat to sleep every day." "

In the feudal sixties and seventies, there was basically no free love in rural areas.

The matchmaker needs to say that the matchmaker is a steelyard and the conditions of men and women are generally equal.

A young man in the village passed by the matchmaker in the neighboring village, introduced the girl mother in the neighboring village, and saw the young man's appearance and wisdom that day.

The woman's mother is very fond of and satisfied with the handsome boy. Smile and say, son, can you take me home by bike? At that time, traffic depended on bicycles.

The young man replied happily: Yes!

The girl's mother sat on the bike and asked, Son, how many brothers are there in your family?

The young man replied without thinking: "Aunt, did you ask me?" ("Da" is the same surname of father and father in rural areas)

The woman's mother quickly said: well, the children don't have to send me, relatives are still good relatives, that is, this marriage is gone!