Have a good idea? There must be good deeds? Sincere and kind? There must be auspicious clouds

With good thoughts, there will be good deeds. Sincere and kind, there will be auspicious clouds.

-Lillluntz "How to make the person you love fall in love with you? 》

Last September, Lao He saw an interview on "How to Have a Happy Life" on the pilot program of Phoenix Satellite TV, which introduced the research results of Harvard University for 80 years. The clearest conclusion we get from this study of Harvard University is that the closeness of a person to his family, friends and people around him is the key factor to determine his health and happiness. "We find that people who are satisfied with their interpersonal relationships and those who know that they can get physical and mental support when they need it, so they feel safe. These people are physically and mentally healthier in their later years. "

Indeed, good interpersonal relationship is an important part of a happy life. Most external things like fame and fortune can't keep us happy, but good interpersonal relationships (especially intimate relationships, such as spouses, family members, close friends, colleagues, etc. ) is one of the few external things worth pursuing in our life, which will make you feel happier, and happy people will have better interpersonal relationships. According to relevant statistics, good interpersonal relationships can make you a popular person, and the success rate of work and personal happiness can reach more than 85%; Among the factors that make a person successful, 85% depends on interpersonal relationship, while knowledge, technology and experience only account for 15%. It can be seen that cultivating and establishing good interpersonal relationships, especially intimate relationships, is an important part of a happy life.

However, how can we establish a healthy and good intimate relationship with our spouse, family and people around us, so as to have a happy life?

Today, when CSI got the app, she learned Lill Langz's How to Make the People You Love Fall in Love with You in the column of listening to a book every day. ",very inspiring, I think it is an important manual for everyone's happy life. It is worth studying and thinking by friends who are interested in thinking about the meaning of life!

How to make the person you love fall in love with you? 》

Interpretation: Chen Squidward Tentacles

Today is February 14 Valentine's Day, so I also recommend a suitable listening book for you, called How to Make the person you love fall in love with you. This book is actually delayed by the title. The title is not very serious, but the content is actually serious.

The readers of this book are also very good. He is a famous big V in the reading circle and a full-time author who listens to this book every day, Mr. Chen Octopus. So what is this book really about? What inspiration can it bring to our love life?

Next, let's listen to Squidward Tentacles Chen's interpretation.

Hello, welcome to listen to a book every day. I'm Squidward Tentacles Chen. The book I read to you today is called How to Make the person you love fall in love with you.

This book can be called a magic book in "acquisition", because it has occupied the first place in the "hot e-books" list in the history of acquiring APP for the longest time. Colleagues in the e-book department told me that this book has been ranked first in the e-book list since 2065438+September 2009. Only a few times later, other books won the first prize temporarily. Most of the time, the first prize of this book is unshakable.

Even Luo Pang said that in fact, we tried several times to play this book with some operational means, and all failed. Interestingly, both Luo Pang and many of our colleagues looked down on this book at first, but later they couldn't help reading it. After reading it, they found it very enlightening. After reading it, they feel that this book is really a good book and worth recommending to more people.

Because this book not only gives many practical love skills, but also conveys a positive and healthy view of love, no matter whether you are single or have a partner, you can get more inspiration about love in this book.

Next, I will interpret this book for you in three parts. I will choose three key words in the book. In the author's opinion, these are the three most important keywords in the whole love, from recognizing love, from falling in love to being together, and finally going on.

first part

The first key word is "similarity", which is the most important key word in the process of two people's first love.

Yes, this may surprise you a little, but all the scientific studies on initial attraction have come to the same conclusion. That is, whether we will have a good impression after seeing a stranger depends mainly on how much that person can make us feel similar to ourselves.

There is an old saying in China that couples have a good relationship, which is called "playing the piano and singing in unison". I don't know if it's a coincidence, but this book also uses a similar metaphor. The human mind is an exquisite musical instrument, and it is always keen to find its own kind.

So when two people meet for the first time, they feel that they have a lot in common and will say "hit it off at first sight". Even in A Dream of Red Mansions, when Jia Baoyu first met Lin Daiyu, he blurted out, "I have seen this sister. 」

In all kinds of literary works about love, there is such a bridge of hitting it off at first sight, which also proves that similarity really plays a very important role in a love.

You may ask, should I just wait every day until the person who looks deja vu is my true love?

This book tells us that there is no need to be so passive. We can actively look for similarities between ourselves and others. At the critical moment, we can also remind each other of your similarities in some aspects. When you and the other person feel more similar, you are more likely to come together.

If you want to find similarities, you must first understand what are the similarities. In this book, the author divides the similarity into three levels. With the understanding between people, layers of depth.

The first level of similarity is your hobby. What music do you like to listen to, what movies do you like to watch, what books do you like to read, and where do you like to play on weekends.

The second level of similarity is the three views we usually talk about, your life beliefs, behavior patterns, and the way you look at the world.

The third level of similarity is your two people's views on love, that is, what do you think love and marriage should look like in your hearts.

After understanding these three similarities, this book gives corresponding suggestions to help you find out how similar you are to others.

To discover the similarities between your interests and those of others, you need to ask yourself a question: Do I like working with that person?

The more things you do together, the more similar your interests are.

Some people may have misunderstandings about love. They think that since they are in love, they always want each other to see themselves. Come on, look at me. I am excellent, thinking that I can attract each other. In fact, you see, if two people have the same interests and hobbies and often play together, it is easier to get together.

On the other hand, if you send a signal that you don't want to share the same interests with each other, then you close the next possibility.

The author gives an example in the book. Her friend Phil met a girl at a party recently, and they had a good chat. Phil wants to ask that girl out. He said first, I like jazz very much. I know a good jazz club. Do you want to come along? As a result, the girl said, I liked to go to jazz clubs when I was in college, but I lost interest after graduation.

Then Phil said that there is an art theater showing the classic film Casablanca. Would you like to go with us? The girl's next sentence is, I have seen that movie.

This time, the conversation between the two people is completely impossible to continue.

So you see, if two people want to enhance their feelings, they need to cultivate more hobbies.

Next, if you want to explore the similarity between two people on the second level, that is, the similarity between the three views, you need to ask yourself: Do we have the same values?

There was once a university that did such a study. The researchers held a blind date. They randomly selected several pairs of men and women and asked them to tell each other that they have a very similar outlook on life no matter how they feel after the blind date. Other men and women should tell each other that their outlook on life is different after blind date.

The results show that no matter how you really feel in the blind date, as long as you tell him that you have similar values, it will enhance their feelings. This experiment shows that people generally prefer people with the same values.

The author also cited an example in the book. She has a friend named Lucia, a girl who likes animals very much. She works in an animal shelter and takes an active part in the animal rights protection movement.

Lucia broke up with her last boyfriend because they talked about animals. As a result, the buddy said, "I also like animals, especially pork pieces and big ribs." 」

Later, lucia met another man. On the third date, the boy drove her home and found a puppy lying on the side of the road with blood on its head, which was obviously hit by a car. Lucia later learned that the boy had to go back to the company to attend an important meeting after driving by himself, but in this way, he stopped to check the dog's injury and sent the dog to a nearby pet hospital.

At this moment, lucia felt completely in love with that person.

Studies have proved that it is not the number of people who share the same values, but the quality that can make men and women feel strong intimacy. As long as two people have one or two values, they can have a strong voice. Just like Lucia, because of her date's attitude towards animals, she thinks they are very close.

Finally, in love, we need to examine the third similarity. You need to ask yourself and ask each other. What is love to you?

In fact, many people don't want to talk about this issue, and even many couples and couples don't talk about it very much. Only when their feelings have problems, do they find that their attitudes towards love are actually different. Therefore, the author suggests that it is very important to pay attention to this issue, get to know each other's love view as soon as possible, and see if it is similar to yourself.

What is the concept of love? This is our expectation of what love should or should not be. How close should two people be? How far is it? How much independent space do you need? How much should both parties pay in a love? Only by figuring out these problems can we figure out our love view.

Studies have proved that whether you feel happy in marriage depends largely on the gap between the status quo and your expectations. If for you, love is intimacy and constant companionship, then an indifferent partner will drive you crazy. If you think the ideal love is that two people who love each other still maintain a sense of independence, then a partner who is too clingy will also make you feel uncomfortable.

The key is how much intimacy and independence are needed in love. There is no fixed standard, only difference, no right or wrong. Therefore, the sooner two people understand each other's love view, the sooner they find someone similar to themselves, and the easier it is to enjoy love.

the second part

The second keyword is "peer-to-peer". This is the most important keyword in the process of two people from mutual love to decision to be together.

Love is not blind. No matter how kind a person is, he will make some vulgar considerations when choosing a lifelong partner. Everyone will ask themselves: what good is it for me to be with this person?

Speaking of which, you may feel uncomfortable. What kind of love is this? Isn't this feudal thought? Pay attention to family background and family background, and it is suitable for the right family. Don't worry, the dimension of evaluation is not that narrow. In this book, six main factors are listed, namely appearance, property, status and fame, knowledge, character and character.

Next, I want to tell you two good news.

In order to interpret this book, I specially sent a message in the knowledge city-state and made a small survey to see how everyone ranked these six points. Hundreds of users shared their own standards. The first good news I want to tell you is that from the results, looks, property and status have not become decisive factors, and people generally value knowledge, character and personality more.

Teacher Liu Qing, the host of 40 lectures on modern western thought, also shared his own standards. His answer is particularly interesting, because he puts appearance first, but his reason is that he thinks that other points can be improved by learning the day after tomorrow, so this person should be good-looking and love to learn.

The second good news I want to tell you is the actual situation, which may be more optimistic than what Mr. Liu Qing imagined. Even the attractiveness of appearance can actually be improved by learning the day after tomorrow.

An American TV company once made a program in which a beautiful actress stood on the side of the road, worried about the broken down car. Passing cars braked and stopped one after another, and the man braved the wheels to cross four lanes and trotted all the way to help the girl in trouble. In another program, the program group found an actress who didn't look so beautiful standing on the side of the road, wearing the same clothes, next to the same broken down car. But cars sped by one after another, and occasionally one or two cars slowed down, but the driver simply pointed to the gas station for her to refuel.

You will say, doesn't this just prove that this is a world of looking at faces? Good-looking is just different.

However, the reality is that if you compare the photos of the two actresses, you will find that their looks are not much different, and they are both beautiful. But if you watch the video, you will obviously feel that the first actress is much more beautiful.

Why is this? It turned out that the first actress, from beginning to end, looked at the passing cars with a smile on her face, her head held high and her chest was full of confidence. The second actress just leaned against the broken car with an unhappy face and didn't make eye contact with the passing driver.

So you see, we look at a person's appearance, not just his five senses. Beauty is presented in a dynamic way. If you can build self-confidence, use positive body language and behave gracefully and enthusiastically, you can really look more beautiful. And these can indeed be improved through learning the day after tomorrow.

Not only do we choose whether we want to be with someone, but we also look at whether we are equal. After two people are together, the principle of reciprocity still works.

Of course, this does not mean that people want each other to pay more for themselves in love to feel happier. In fact, in a love, it is certainly not very happy to pay blindly, but it is not necessarily really happy to get it. People who give and receive more evenly will feel happier.

It doesn't seem to be what we expected. Shouldn't it be enjoyable to get something for nothing? In our idea, we should pursue a person and pay for this person every day.

Actually, it's not. Psychological research shows that if you want a person to like you, you don't have to do this or that for him. Asking him to do you a favor can enhance his affection for you.

Why? Because people's psychology has a characteristic, that is, they hope that their actions and ideas are consistent. So when we do something, we will subconsciously find a reason for it and convince ourselves that we are willing to do it.

This is called "consistency of commitment" in psychology.

So when we do a favor for others and do something for others, we will subconsciously convince ourselves that I am willing to help others. Why? Because he is a good man, I deserve to be kind to him. Therefore, whenever we do someone a favor, we actually have a deeper affection for that person.

On the other hand, when you plead with others and they accept it, they will have a deeper affection for you.

Therefore, the most ideal state in a relationship is that both people pay for each other and gain something at the same time, so that the good feelings in each other's hearts will become deeper and deeper.

the third part

The third keyword is "respect", which is the most important keyword for two people's love to last for a long time. And I found one of the most powerful insights in the text of this book about respect.

To tell the truth, when I first read this book, I saw all kinds of skills in love for the first time. In fact, I have a question in my heart: Is this a book about PUA?

The so-called PUA, the full name of which is Pick-up Artist, should be literally translated as "strike up a conversation artist", but in fact, the so-called PUA training classes are all teaching people to attract the opposite sex with false means and routines and fascinate the opposite sex. Even many PUA training courses will publicly claim that they are teaching you the technology of "hunting" the opposite sex. The essence of PUA is an emotional fraud. Nowadays, on the Internet, PUA has become a completely derogatory term. So when I read the tricks in this book about how to make others fall in love with you, I can't help but be worried.

I didn't feel completely relieved until I saw the author emphasize how important it is for both sides to respect each other in a love.

Because in those so-called PUA technologies, there is a very critical step called "self-esteem destruction". People who "hunt" the opposite sex. After the previous sweet talk and obedience, he will find an opportunity to suddenly change his face, make unreasonable accusations against the target, accuse the other party of deceiving himself and disrespecting himself, and use this process to occupy the commanding heights of the relationship. If the other person is willing to lower his self-esteem in order to save the relationship, he will step into a designed trap and be controlled emotionally.

You will find that there is a key premise here. PUA will take advantage of people's false psychology: only by lowering their self-esteem can they please each other.

Now on the internet, you can see many views about love, and some extreme views. Although they are different in appearance, and some of them are completely opposite, there is actually a common premise behind these ideas. They all think that love is a zero-sum game of self-esteem.

For example, "Female Virtue" is similar to "PUA", which caters to traditional male chauvinism and constantly suppresses women's self-esteem. On the other hand, there is an extreme female view that men are big pig's hooves, and their sisters stand up and step on these smelly men.

The two views seem to be tit for tat, but in fact they both made the same mistake. They all think that if men and women want to gain more self-esteem in love, they must exchange their dignity. In their view, one of the two parties in love must be inferior.

But is this really the case? Is it possible for two people in a relationship to maintain high self-esteem at the same time?

This is the most powerful part of how to make the person you love fall in love with you. Behind all the skills in this book is the fact that two people can maintain a high degree of self-esteem and enjoy love and intimacy together.

So what exactly should we do? The book says that the most important thing is that you should learn to give each other a "self-esteem massage".

How to do this self-esteem massage? Self-esteem massage has four steps:

The first step is to let the other person know that you have been quickly attracted by his magic;

Step two, in the process of your conversation, you must let the other side feel your true understanding and recognition;

The third step is to constantly modify your identity in your daily life. The right people are revealing themselves to you more and more, and you should throw implicit praise in return from time to time. In this process, you can joke in private and use other techniques to make him feel unique.

Step four, when the right person feels that you have fully understood how unique he is, you can throw out the most sincere compliment.

You might say, oh, you've been talking for a long time. It turns out that self-esteem massage is flattery. No, skilled self-esteem massage is not blind praise, not those common cliches. Self-esteem massage is a bit like a real massage. You have to find the right acupoints. When massaging the other person's self-esteem, the most important point is the ideal self-image in the other person's eyes.

You need to investigate and understand the self-positioning of the right person, explore how he sees himself, and then support this self-image.

Good love must be protecting the ideal self-image of the right person.

The author gives an example in the book. Her brother Larry married Regina, a wife many years older than himself. The author didn't understand it at first, but once she invited her brother and sister-in-law to her home, she understood why Larry loved her so much.

Larry is an excellent cook, so the author invited Larry to cook, and Regina and I helped him. When Larry was cutting mushrooms, the author heard Regina praise him: "honey, you are great. You can cut mushrooms so perfectly." You see, every shredded mushroom is so uniform and refreshing. 」

At first, the author thought Regina was joking, but when she looked back at Regina, she found that she was sincerely praising Larry. At this moment, the author understands that Larry, as a chef, must attach great importance to his knife work. So Regina's compliment really supports Larry's ideal self-image. No wonder Larry loves Regina so much.

In addition to correct compliments, this book also has a particularly useful suggestion, that is, you should learn how to respond to compliments.

This is especially important for China people. Because in our concept, it should be modesty, so after being praised, our China people's reaction is basically embarrassed. "No, no", "Where, where" and "I'm flattered" are all like this.

Americans are a little more open, but Americans basically say "thank you" and it's over.

In fact, this is not the best response. The author gave an example. She said that China people have a habit of expressing themselves, and when they hear compliments from others, they will not say anything or thank you. He would say, I'm glad you found out. You're great.

You see, this is a positive response to praise. The praise of the other party supports your ideal self and makes you believe that you are a unique person. And your positive response also supports the other person's ideal self, because you convince him that he is a person who is good at discovering the advantages of others.

Self-esteem massage and positive response are combined, and every compliment and communication becomes mutual nourishment of both sides. I praised you and convinced you that you are a different person. You responded to me and convinced me that I was a good discoverer.

A poet wrote this poem: "There is no love worth losing in this world. Similarly, there is no love in this world worth losing our self-esteem. Love is not a zero-sum game of self-esteem. A good love must be that two people are defending each other's self-esteem.

At this point, I have finished reading the essence of this book "How to make the person you love fall in love with you". Let's summarize.

In the author's opinion, the three most important keywords of a beautiful love are "similarity", "equivalence" and "respect".

Similarity is the most important key word in the process of two people's first love. There are three levels of similarity between people, namely, similar hobbies, similar views and similar views on love. The more similarities, the easier it is for two people to get together.

From the initiation of love to the decision to be together, the most important keyword is "equivalence". The more equal the characteristics of two people, the easier it is to be together. The characteristics here include appearance, property, status and fame, knowledge, character and personality. Fortunately, these characteristics can be improved through acquired learning, even if the appearance is the same.

When two people are together, the principle of reciprocity is still valid. People who give and receive more evenly will feel happier.

Two people's love can last for a long time, and the most important keyword is "respect". Love is not a zero-sum game of self-esteem. Learning self-esteem massage and responding positively to others' compliments can help you nourish each other and enjoy the beauty of love on the premise that both sides maintain high self-esteem.

One of my colleagues especially likes this book because she read it many years ago. It can be said that this book shaped her view of love. So I asked her, what do you think is the biggest inspiration from this book? Her answer is that love should be sincere.

This answer looks a bit like chicken soup at first glance, but when you think about it, it is. In a short time, we can really disguise ourselves and make ourselves look similar to each other, equal and respect each other more, but love is a long-term coexistence and companionship, and camouflage cannot last long.

Therefore, if you want to get love, the old saying is still valid: "Sincerity has no road, because sincerity itself is the road. 」

Welcome back, I'm Luo Pang.

You see, love is such a mysterious thing that we can also learn from books. This is that value of our column "listen to a book every day".