Funny humorous jokes

Humor can reveal a person’s wit and open-mindedness, and shorten the distance between him and other people. Below I have collected some funny and humorous jokes for you. Come and have a look with me.

A long selection of funny and humorous jokes

Cao Dalong is the boss of a company. One day, a young man came to his office carrying a bag of things and said that he had something strange to ask for. Cao Dalong was promoting, and as he spoke, the young man opened the package. Inside was a dummy, which was about the same size as a real person.

The young man said: This dummy is designed for people to vent their anger. You can hit it when you are in a bad mood, which can greatly relieve stress. ?

Cao Dalong curled his lips: "What's so strange about this? Isn't this the same as the sandbag used for boxing?

The young man said: "It's different, this is a high-tech product. , whoever you hate, just imagine the dummy to be that person, and if you hit the dummy, the person you hate will feel pain as if he was really beaten, no matter where he is. For example, if I imagine that the dummy is you, and I hit it time, you will feel pain. ?

Cao Dalong didn’t believe it, and the young man said: “We can try it, I will treat it as you now.” ?As he said that, the young man punched the dummy. Cao Dalong said "ouch", and the fist seemed to really hit him. He circled around the dummy twice and said to the young man: "I can try it." ?

?Of course. ?

Cao Dalong punched the dummy in the stomach, slapped the dummy in the mouth, and then quickly ran to the next door. He saw Assistant Liu next door covering his stomach with one hand and covering his mouth with the other. Cao Dalong asked: "What's wrong with you?"

Assistant Liu said: "I don't know, I suddenly felt a pain in my stomach, as if someone had hit me, and my mouth also hurt, as if someone had slapped me." ?Cao Dalong laughed loudly: ?Excellent, so accurate. ?It turned out that he mistook the dummy for Assistant Liu. He returned to the office and said to the young man: "This thing is good, I bought it." ?

After the transaction, the young man told Cao Dalong: "When you hit this dummy, you imagine that the person being hit will only feel pain, but not really hurt, so you can rest assured." Go fight. ?

After the young man left, Cao Dalong was so happy that he could vent his anger freely this time. He raised his fists and started to fight: Boss Ma had blackmailed him 100,000 yuan and he has not been seen yet. Beat; Lao Zhang of the tax bureau fined himself 50,000 yuan, and beat him; his wife was nagging all day long and was annoying, so she had to be beaten?

Cao Dalong was beaten for a whole afternoon, and he was beaten Those who were celebrating the festival were beaten all over. The next day, Cao Dalong felt that boxing and kicking were not enough, so he found a piece of wood and beat him for a whole day. On the third day, Cao Dalong came up with an even more incredible trick?

On the afternoon of the fourth day, Cao Dalong suddenly felt pain everywhere in his body, as if someone was hitting him, and the force was getting heavier and heavier. I thought someone must have bought the dummy too, so I quickly called the young man. The young man told Cao Dalong that only one dummy has been sold so far.

Cao Dalong didn’t believe it: No, it must have been sold. Now I feel like someone is beating me. ?

The young man asked: Let me ask you, how did you hit that dummy?

Cao Dalong briefly told what happened, and the young man said as soon as he heard it: It’s over, it’s over. , the dummy's ability to withstand pain is limited. If it exceeds the limit, all the pain will rebound to the attacker intact after three days. The harder you hit at the beginning, the more pain you will feel now. How long do you hit? Time, how long the pain will last. ?

Cao Dalong was very angry: Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?

The young man said: The dummy has a strong ability to withstand pain and generally does not rebound. You must still be able to bear pain. What was done to it.

?

Cao Dalong shouted with a cry: ?I, I heard that giving birth is the most painful thing in the world, so I used a scalpel to perform a caesarean section on the dummy

　Funny and humorous joke long classic

The waiter unexpectedly got a bonus. He felt the thick money in his pocket and felt very uncomfortable when he thought about having to hand it over when he got home.

Suddenly, the waiter had an idea, why not find a hiding place outside and secretly hide the money as private money? But on this street, it is not easy to find a good place to hide money. After looking around, the waiter locked his target under the big banyan tree on the roadside.

Just as the waiter leaned against the banyan tree and put his hand into his pocket, a voice came from behind: "Young man, what are you doing?"

The waiter was startled and turned around. Look, it’s an old man staring at me. He can’t help but get angry: What am I doing? I was about to ask you what you are doing! What are you looking at me for?

The old man tilted his head and stared at the waiter. , sneered and said: Huh, young man, how dare you relieve yourself here in front of everyone?

The waiter took out his hand from his pocket and said angrily: Go, go, go, Go ahead, who has urinated?

? People have three urgent needs, and there is nothing shameful about them. Walk past this intersection, turn a corner, and there is a toilet. After saying that, the old man pointed forward with his hand. He was afraid that the waiter wouldn't understand, so he pulled the waiter and said, "Did you see it? It's just at the intersection, very close." ?

Although the waiter hated the old man for being nosy, when he heard the old man mention the toilet, he came up with an idea: Yes, I can hide the money in the toilet and then go home! So, The waiter became interested in the location of the toilet and asked: Thank you, is it at that intersection?

The old man seemed particularly enthusiastic and said: When you get to that intersection, you have to turn. Look at your memory. , let’s do this, I’ll take you there!? After saying that, he had to take the waiter away.

The waiter was too lazy to talk to the old man and walked straight towards the toilet.

At the corner of the street, the waiter actually saw a toilet. Just as the waiter was about to walk in, the aunt guarding the toilet stopped him and asked: "Major defecation or urinary defecation?"

The waiter was full of confusion: I go to the toilet when I go to the toilet, you still care about my defecation? , Small solution?

? Large solution is fifty cents, small solution is two cents. ?The aunt was obviously extremely impatient with the waiter’s procrastination.

The waiter handed over two cents and walked into the men's room.

As soon as the waiter entered the toilet, he found that there was no one in the toilet. He was happy for a while. When he was about to take the money out of his pocket, he found someone coming in from behind. When he turned around, he only saw the person's face. A little back view. Oh my god, someone was peeping! The waiter secretly rejoiced: Fortunately, I haven't taken out the money yet! Otherwise, I would have been robbed and still kept in the dark! The waiter chased him out and saw that no one was there, so he turned back. The waiter was careful and decided to go into the big cave to take out the money. Because the big cave was surrounded by a two-meter-high wall, he hid the money inside and then came out.

Just when the waiter was about to enter the place where he was being relieved, a man suddenly rushed over and grabbed the waiter tightly, and shouted loudly: "Good guy, didn't you mean urinal? Now" Why are you so confused again? From the first time I saw you, I thought you were sneaky. If I hadn’t followed you secretly, would I have been deceived by you!?

The waiter fixed his eyes. When I saw it, it was the old man again, and he was furious: Why is it you again? Why do you always follow me?

What? Do you know how difficult my job is? It's better for you. , How dare you trick me!? The old man held the waiter's hand tightly and wouldn't let go, as if he was afraid that as soon as he let the waiter go, he would go in and relieve himself.

The waiter was anxious and yelled as he struggled to free himself: "Let go! What does my large and small bowel movements have to do with your work?"

The old man said angrily:? Why doesn't it matter? I'm a toilet guide. I get 10 cents for introducing someone to a small toilet, and 20 cents for introducing someone to a large toilet. How dare you cheat me now? I rely on this to save some private money. Do you think it's easy for me? ?

High quality collection of funny and humorous jokes

Mom said my IQ is only 76. I don't know how high my IQ is. All I know is that I am a very lethal person, and many people have been hurt by me. Some of them have lost hope in life, and some have even committed suicide. So I have always suspected that I have potential superpowers, and for some reason, this superpower is especially effective for my teacher.

I still remember the first teacher who died because of me. I was in the first grade of elementary school at that time, and the teacher took us to the wild for nature practice classes. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green and the willow branches branching, the teacher couldn't help but think of a question, so he asked: "Students, do you know how to identify the direction of the wind? I know!" A little girl in the same class answered while picking up a leaf from the ground to Throw it in the air? Pick up a piece of something and throw it in the air. You will know where it floats. ?Well, good. ?The teacher praised, ?Would any other students be willing to demonstrate to everyone again to see what kind of wind is blowing on me now? ?I volunteered and walked out, picked up half a brick from the ground and threw it into the air. I reported to the teacher that the wind was blowing up and down now!?

I can’t remember what the teacher’s expression looked like at that time. I only remember that he struggled desperately for a few times and then died of anger. Later, doctors at the hospital said that he died due to a sudden strong stimulation that caused his blood to go backwards and become a demon. In this way, I killed a people's teacher.

The first grade teacher taught us about poultry animals. Teacher: There is an animal with two legs. Every morning when the sun comes out, it wakes you up and doesn’t wake you up until you wake up. Which animal is it?

I answered: “Mom!” The teacher laughed so hard that he almost died!

After returning home from the midterm exam, my mother asked me how my exam went. My son said, I didn’t fill out one question. My mother asked me what the question was. My son said there was one question. When asked what is the result of multiplying 3 by 7, I filled in 1 5 without any hesitation. My mother sprayed the water she just drank into my father's face. Hey... I'm so great!

One day in math, the teacher asked 1 1=?, and I said I don't know. The teacher asked me to go back and ask. I asked my mother. She was cooking and told me to get out. I asked my dad. He watched the game again and shouted, "It's so cool." I asked my sister, she was singing, singing BABY. I asked my brother, who was on the phone and said, "I'll wait for you outside."

The next day, the teacher asked 1 1=? I said: Get out of here, the teacher slapped me, I screamed, the teacher called me a loser, and I called me despicable. As the old saying goes; get lost. I said; I'll wait for you outside. Our math teacher had high blood pressure on the spot and fainted...

When I was in Chinese class in elementary school, all the Chinese teachers in the school went to listen to Teacher Ni's class. Teacher Ni wrote the word "be" on the blackboard and asked me: "Do you recognize this word?" I answered "No". Teacher Ni then started to inspire me: "Do you have a bed at home?" I answered: "Yes". ,?What kind of mat is there on the bed?,?Where is it on the mat?

I answered:?My mother?, Teacher Ni thought to herself, this is right, my mother is covered with a quilt, so she went on to enlighten:? What about your mother and my father? Teacher Ni never expected that I would say this and make a fool of myself in front of so many teachers. He asked in a hurry, "Where is the quilt?" I replied: "The quilt is on the ground." Teacher Ni was so angry that I was sick. I went to the hospital!

Later, the school changed a teacher and asked us to make sentences. I completed the homework calmly and the teacher was very impressed with me. The sentence I wrote was:

Sad---- The big ditch in front of our house is very sad.

If----canned food is not as nutritious as fruit juice.

Naive--it's really hot today, a good day for swimming.

Ten points----My sister only got ten points in her math test, which is really embarrassing.

Calm down——When I do things, I always start with the easy ones.

Ginseng----The teacher said that everyone must try their best when participating in the team relay tomorrow.

Quilt——Xiaoyu’s sanitary napkin was stolen.

Lunchbox——Xiao Ming regards defecation as the first thing he does when he gets up every morning.

The teacher touched my head and said sternly: I came home from school and there was no one around, so I was ready to complete the homework assigned by the substitute teacher. I went to the toilet and started to smear the walls with feces. , I painted the entire bathroom ten times before I stopped when I was satisfied with my work. My family came back and scolded me. The next day, my mother went to the principal to sue the substitute teacher for misleading her children. Later, the substitute teacher was fired. Sigh... I mentally said to myself: "I am very creative. Being ugly is not my original intention. God, please don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and bring out the beauty of the world." !!!!!!!?

One morning in class, I was chewing gum and putting my feet on the aisle. At this time, the teacher said to me: "Please put your Spit out the things in your mouth and then put your feet in? I was very annoyed! In the days that followed, several teachers suffered misfortunes one after another. Fortunately, no one died, and no big leaks were made. Come. But my fame spread like wildfire, and I became a celebrity in the city.

However, celebrities also have the pain of celebrities, and I deeply understand this. When I was in junior high school, the physics teacher asked me in the physics class: How do you change the orbit? Me: According to the Diamond Sutra, if people do bad things in the sun and die, they will become ghosts! It turned out that the teacher was talking about satellites How to change course!

I was woken up by the teacher while I was sleeping in history class. The teacher asked me: Who did Princess Wencheng marry? Xiao Wang whispered to me: Songtsen Gampo. ?I didn’t hear clearly, so I opened my mouth and answered: ?Song Dynasty cadres. ? Later, history did not improve.

One day I came back from the barber shop pretending to be cool. As soon as I opened the door, all the girls exclaimed: "The cool guy is here!" I scratched my head in embarrassment: "Where! Where! I just got a cool haircut." That’s all. ?The principal happened to walk by and said seriously: ?You have to hand it over to the school even if you pick up trousers!?

We are so stupid! Fortunately, it was nothing. I walked to the dormitory and walked downstairs from the girls dormitory. As I was walking by, I saw a friend who boasted loudly, "Look, I got a cool haircut." Immediately on the second floor, a girl stuck her head out and said, my pants, are you picking my pants?!!!!!

During the exam the next day, the biology teacher brought one covered with cloth. bird. Then he exposed the bird's legs and asked the students to guess what kind of bird it was. I really didn’t know, so I handed in a blank paper. The teacher was very angry when he saw it and asked: "Why did you hand in the blank paper? What's your name?" When I heard this, I rolled up my trouser legs angrily, exposing my legs and said: "Now it's your turn to guess who I am." Right? The biology teacher fell down immediately. ?

My fame has brought me a lot of trouble. All middle schools in the city refused to admit me out of concern for the safety of their teachers. I had no choice but to go to the countryside with endless longing for a key middle school. Although the conditions in the middle school in the countryside were a bit tough, without the pressure of public opinion, I was still living at ease. However, gold always shines, and the silence unique to rural middle schools did not suppress my outburst. By chance, I came out of nowhere, suddenly emerged, and quickly occupied the rural market. '

One day, I was late, and the teacher asked: Why are you late today? I said: I took the uncle next door's boar to breed in the morning, so I was late.

Before the teacher finished listening, his eyes widened and he said, "Should the uncle next door do this?" I said puzzledly, "This must be done by a boar, and the uncle next door is not a beast, either?"

It was an intellectual competition. Our class and another class still had no winner after the final competition. So the host announced the final decision: each class drew lots to send one representative. The two representatives then guess the coin.

The person who guessed correctly asks a question to the person who guessed wrong. If the person who guessed wrong answers correctly, the person who guessed wrong wins. On the contrary, the class of the one who guesses correctly wins. The sky is moving, the earth is moving, I can't even hide from my errand. I was actually drawn as the representative and successfully guessed the wrong coin. Enter the question and answer phase. The teacher and classmates suddenly became nervous, and everyone looked at me with eager eyes. Especially the head teacher, Mr. Li, looked heavy and said nothing. I also felt some pressure, but not because of this, but because of my opponent - Wang Xiaofo. Wang Xiaofo was the most powerful "famous teacher killer" in our school at that time, and he also had several murder cases under his hands. It is said that the previous principal met his end in its hands. But I still have some confidence, because after all, I am also a person who once shocked me. The questions began.

Wang Xiaofo put his hands in his trouser pockets and said slowly: My mother boiled a few eggs and put them in my pocket today. Do you know how many? There was an uproar around them. I don't know why everyone is making noise, but I know that this question arouses great interest in me. Eggs! I barely heard what question he asked. I only heard the word "egg" clearly. You must know that after several years of hard life in the countryside, there was almost nothing to eat. Two eggs would be a really delicious meal. I seemed to see the shiny egg white and tender yellow yolk? ?If I get the answer right, will you give me a piece to eat? I have long forgotten what quiz competitions and class honors. All I'm interested in are eggs, eggs!? If you get the answer right, I'll give you both eggs. ?Coax!? There was another uproar. I saw a look of astonishment on the face of the other classmate, while my classmates cheered and hugged each other to celebrate the victory.

Teacher Li also cast a delighted look at me. I didn’t know they were happy. What, but everyone was smiling at me, and I smiled at them sheepishly, and then replied: "Is it five?"

The students' smiles froze in an instant, and gradually, It disappeared without a trace like the ebb tide. But the other classmate suddenly started shouting and laughing. Things in this world are changing so fast. In the blink of an eye, everyone is crying and laughing, and everyone is crying and laughing. I don’t know what to do. I haven't had time to think carefully about what happened. The venue suddenly became chaotic. I saw one person lying on his back, blood spurting out from his mouth like a pillar, and then he slowly fell down.

?Teacher Li!?Teacher Li!? It’s our head teacher! I also rushed over. The teacher's face was pale, his eyes were closed, and he was unconscious. ?It was he who killed Teacher Li!?

?It was him! It was him!? Swish! Swish! Swish Swish Swish Swish!!!

A bunch of angry eyes Shooting at me like a sharp arrow. My eyes went blank, and a voice echoed in my ears: Duolong! Close the door! Release the dogs! All idlers should retreat!?

Later it was said that Teacher Li did not die, but was seriously ill. After Hao was discharged from the hospital, he saw through the world of mortals, became a monk in Mount Wutai, and stopped teaching.