Wrong Narrative Prose in Qian Zhongshu's Works

Above, taking the first and seventh chapters of Qian Zhongshu's Fortress Besieged as an example, I picked out some of them and corrected them. This time, taking the second chapter of Fortress Besieged as an example, we will continue to point out the defects and correct them.

First, it is said that "girlfriend" is the scientific name of "lover", which is more solemn, just like the rose is biologically called "woody compound leaf plant of Rosaceae", or the legal term for divorce is "divorce by agreement".

Press: Look up the scientific name of Modern Chinese Dictionary, which refers to the scientific proper name or official name of a person's name. Compared with "lover", "girlfriend" is obviously more formal, not the other way around. It can be seen that Qian Zhongshu was confused when writing, and the relationship between the two was reversed, which made a big joke. So, this sentence should be changed to-

It is said that "lover" is the scientific name of "girlfriend", which is more solemn. ...

After sailing in Hong Kong, he and Miss Su ate fruits bought in Hong Kong on the deck.

Publisher: This sentence should be changed to-(article reading network:)

After the ship left port, he and Miss Su ...

Third, the school auditorium is full of students, with more than 200 men and women. Accompanied by President Lu, Fang Hung-chien stepped onto the platform. He only feels that many eyes are numb and itchy, and it is not convenient to walk. When I sat down on the stage, the wet fog in front of me dissipated. I saw that all the teachers in the first row were sitting like our school. The record desk next to the podium was a female student, and the freshly ironed wave board was like paint. All the people in the auditorium are whispering and admiring themselves curiously. He silently shared his cheeks and said, "Don't burn the food! Don't blush! "

Press: The author here takes Fang Hung-chien as his viewpoint, which is what he sees, hears, feels and thinks. This used to be good. Of course, there are also shortcomings, that is, Qian Zhongshu is not good at scene description, so the atmosphere in the audience is not enough. However, due to the problem of sentence arrangement, "I just feel that many eyes are numb, my whole body itches, and my feet are inconvenient to walk." This sentence is flawed and awkward to read. It should be changed to-

Under the gaze of many eyes, he only felt numb and itchy all over, and his feet were inconvenient to walk.

President Lu is already making an introductory speech. Hung-chien reached into his coat pocket and felt for his speech. He just felt in a cold sweat. I feel bad! Shit! How could you lose something important? When I come out at home, I put it in my coat bag. I forgot everything except the first few words.

Press: Just remove the quotation marks of psychological activities and turn them into indirect speech. But it's better to add hints. Therefore, it is suggested to read-

Think: Oh, no! Shit! How could you lose something important? ……

5. When the applause stopped, Fang Hung-chien forced a smile and said, "President Lu, gentlemen and classmates, although you applaud with good intentions, it is actually the most unreasonable. Because applause means that I am satisfied with my speech, and now you applaud with satisfaction before I speak. Why should I say more? You should listen to the speech first, and then clap your hands at will to make me face the stage. Now applause is the first. My speech can't bear such warm applause, but I feel a fear of receiving money and paying it. "

Reporter: Someone here was seriously injured. I should change "I can't stand such warm applause" to "I can't stand such warm applause".

6. Okay, okay. Talking is better than nothing: "You can find the influence of western culture on the history of China in any history textbook, so I don't need to go into details. As you all know ... "

Reporter: "Yes, yes! Talking is better than nothing ",this is Fang Hung-chien's psychological activity;" And "The influence of western culture in the history of China", you can find it in any history textbook, and I don't need to go into details. Everyone knows ... ",that was his hasty speech. Due to punctuation errors, defects appeared. It is suggested to add the author's tip and change it to-

I found it! I found it! Talk is better than nothing! After a short meal, he dared to say, "Western culture is ..."

Seven, "... Haitong for hundreds of years, there are only two western things in the whole China society. One is poison, and the other is syphilis, both of which are western civilizations collected in the Ming Dynasty. "Most of the audience laughed, and several people opened their mouths in horror; Several teachers frowned, and the recorded girl blushed and stopped writing, as if after listening to Hung-chien's last sentence, the virgin lost her virginity in public; President Lu coughed behind Hung-chien's back as a warning.

In addition to changing "alert cough" into "alert cough" (because the boundary between "de", "di" and "de" in Chinese tends to be blurred in recent years, the word can be corrected), there is also a punctuation mark: "Several teachers frown, so the girl who recorded it ..." The comma here should be changed to a semicolon. The reason is that "the girl on the record" is of course a teacher, but she is not among the frowning teachers, so her separate description should be juxtaposed with the previous clause.

This is the basis of China's novel master's easy revision. Qian Zhongshu, the author of Fortress Besieged, was very proud all his life. But no matter how proud he is, he is no more proud than the author of A Dream in the Yanyuan (also known as A Dream of Red Mansions). In front of this leisurely master, Qian Zhongshu, an outstanding writer in China, had to admire him thoroughly and obediently.

8. Those who have a daughter to marry him will never forget his speech; I guess he is out of town. If he marries him for his daughter, he will go to the Moon Temple in West Lake to support the elderly and get a visa. It's hard to guarantee that it won't be the fourth sign: "Sri Lankans are sick!" " Such a young man can't be a son-in-law One by one, they asked Fang for their daughter's photos and invitations on the pretext that the times were not peaceful and the wedding date was postponed.

It is better to change the preposition "Xiang" in the last sentence into "Cong".

Why is this better? The following is the difference in usage between the prepositions "Xiang" and "Cong". Master Yo-Yo looked up the relevant dictionary, so I won't talk about its reasons for the time being.

Linguistic experts are welcome to discuss this!

I believe this discussion will be of great help to China writers!

Nine, Fang Hung-chien lived in his home for a week, and he felt that his four years abroad were like water splashing on a lotus leaf, leaving no trace of his hometown.

Press: This sentence is simply nonsense! It should be changed to-

Fang Hung-chien lived in his home for a week, and felt that after four years abroad, his memory of his hometown was like water splashed on a lotus leaf, leaving no trace.

Is this what Qian Zhongshu wants to express? Because his narrative is vague, Master Youyou can't be sure, so he made the above correction. )

Zhou Jing sent a telegram to tell Hung-chien to hurry to Shanghai, otherwise the traffic would be interrupted and he would have to stay at home. Mr. Fang also felt that in this situation, his son should go out and look for opportunities as soon as possible, and let Hung-chien go.

Press: The two "Hung-chien" in this sentence should be changed to "He", which is better.

Maybe some readers will ask: "Hung-chien" = "He". Why do you care so much and have to correct me? The master replied slowly:

Human beings invented pronouns out of the need to speak simply; Otherwise it's boring. It's boring. Writers should take this as a principle when writing. In the previous sentence, "Mr. Fang feels the same ...", since he described his father's feelings from his point of view, the word "son" appeared below, followed by "Hung-chien", which was extremely unnatural and unnecessary. Qian Zhongshu didn't realize this, which shows that his mastery of Chinese is not as exquisite as that of Master You.

Previously, the leisurely master once said in the article "China's modern novel masterpiece score":

If the leisurely Dream of the Yanyuan is set to 100, then Lu Xun's The True Story of Ah Q can get 90 points; Shen Congwen's "Border Town" can get 90 points; Qian Zhongshu's Fortress Besieged can get 90 points; Zhang Ailing's "The Golden Lock" and "Love in a Fallen City" can get 85 points, which is the reason. Of course, it is not just here, because language is an important factor to measure the value of a literary work, but it is by no means the whole thing.

(Attachment: Xia Zhiqing is partial to Zhang Ailing and thinks that the artistic achievement of her works is higher than that of Lu Xun. This topic is very complicated, so it is another matter. )

1 1. Shanghai fellow businessman, who always praised Mr. Fang's name, gave him a large sum of money, so the portal can be supported again.

Reporter: Strictly speaking, there is nothing wrong with this sentence, but from a subtle point of view, the sense of language is not satisfactory. "Shanghai fellow businessman" is the subject, and "Shanghai fellow businessman" and "hometown" are its modifiers and are used as attributes. So where does this "de" have a sense of language? This is a problem. It is suggested to read-

Another businessman who lives in Shanghai is called Mr Fang. ...

12. Fang Hung-chien, seeing that his family is big and small, still lives in Zhoujia, and visits his parents every other day or two. Every time I go home, I always listen to their terrible and ridiculous escape experiences; It seems that the art of their narration and description has improved every time, but Hung-chien's concern and sympathy have declined every time.

Reporter: Strictly speaking, there is nothing wrong with this sentence, but it can be improved after careful study. The asymmetry between "primary progress" and "primary reduction" suggests that the latter be changed to "primary progress".

Thirteen, Mrs. Zhou said, life can't be trusted. Mr. Zhang invited him for a light meal, so it's no harm to get to know this lady. Before the war, Hung-chien was a scholar. I remember that comprador who worked in American foreign associations didn't want to associate with such worldly things, but on second thought, he never used bourgeois money after going abroad. It doesn't hurt to go once anyway. Whether you get married depends on whether you like this girl or not. Others reluctantly agreed to go to dinner.

At the end of this sentence, the language sense of "promise to eat together" is slightly lacking. If you add a word "bian", the sentence becomes "an appointment to have dinner together", which is concise and harmonious in sound and rhyme.

Maybe some readers will ask, "I promise to eat" and "I promise to eat". What's the difference between them? This is difficult to answer, except that I have a good sense of language. Let's make two inappropriate analogies:

(1) Zeng Guofan was defeated. In the memorial to the imperial court, it was clearly written that "repeated wars have repeatedly failed"; Later, it was changed to "repeated defeats and repeated wars", giving people a different feeling.

(2) Peng wrote to Lao Mao at the Lushan meeting, summing up the experience and lessons of the people's commune after its establishment. At first, he wrote "gain and loss"; Unexpectedly, when the secretary copied the call for papers, he took the initiative and changed it to "throwing things." As a result, Yan Long was furious and criticized him for going online.

This shows that the language wording is very subtle. The addition of the word "I promised to go to dinner" is also subtle. Because, when the reader reads this word "bian", he/she is bound to pause, and without this word, there is no need to do so.

14. Fang Hung-chien went to the bank office this afternoon, because Mr. Zhang asked him to come early to talk. Passing a foreign fur shop on the street, I saw an otter velvet suit jacket, which is cheap for Chinese New Year and only sold in 400 yuan.

Press: The second sentence has a bad sense of language, so it is suggested to correct it as follows-

Passing a foreign fur shop on the road, I saw an otter velvet suit jacket, which is cheap for Chinese New Year and only sold in 400 yuan.

(You added two commas and changed "saw" to "he saw one", which made me feel much smoother and read better. )

summary

The second chapter of Fortress Besieged is not long, and there are still more than ten flawed sentences, which shows that there are many places worth correcting in the book.

Recently, I reread Zhang Ailing's The Golden Lock and Eighteen Springs, and found that there are few defects, which are hard to find, and there is almost nothing to correct. It shows that her language is elegant. In addition to the leisurely Dream in the Yanyuan Garden and the works of Lu Xun and Shen Congwen, Zhang Ailing's works are worth learning from young writers in China, and are hereby solemnly recommended!