No longer worry about the approval of others, this is "the courage to be hated".

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Text?| Li’s Kitten

There is an episode of "Longing for Life":

Peng Yan Chang said: "The older I get, the more I know, and the more complex the world becomes."

Huang Lei said: "The older I get, the more I experience, and the simpler my life becomes."

Do you often feel bored by the cumbersome life? Are you always tired of complicated interpersonal relationships? Has it been a long time since you had a calm dialogue with your soul? Do you feel that your life is getting further and further away from happiness? Do you think the meaning of life is becoming increasingly obscure and difficult to see?

Life gives us various constraints. On the surface, these constraints are related to time, money, and interpersonal relationships, but in fact, these constraints are spiritual. When we are freed from these constraints, we will find that we have always been free. What really holds us back is ourselves.

The book "The Courage to Be Disliked" inherits the tradition of Plato and Socrates and is a dialogue. The book uses the story of a troubled young man who had a "dialogue" with a philosopher. The two began to think and debate back and forth. After night after night, the young man began to think about why "all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships" and why "The so-called freedom means being hated by others." The problem is not what the world is like, but what you are like. People can change at will and be happy. The problem is not ability but courage.

This story about a young man who became enlightened after learning about Adler’s thoughts takes us step by step into Adler’s psychology and Adler’s thoughts.

"The Psychology of Being Disliked" has two authors. Ichiro Kishimi is a philosopher. Since 1989, he has devoted himself to the study of professional philosophy and Adlerian psychology. His main areas of activity are writing and giving lectures on Adlerian psychology and ancient philosophy. He also provides psychological counseling for many young people in psychiatric hospitals. He is also a certified consultant of the Japanese Adlerian Psychological Society.

Fumiken Koga is a freelance writer. When I was nearly 30 years old, I encountered Adlerian psychology and was shocked by its ideas that subverted common sense. After that, he visited Ichiro Kishimi in Kyoto for several years and asked him about the essence of Adlerian psychology. In this book, he uses the classical technique of Greek philosophy "Dialogue" to present the content.

Just like the name of this book, "The Courage to Be Hated," taking on this kind of freedom and responsibility requires fearless courage. This kind of courage is the key word of Adlerian psychology and the ultimate antidote to our life's problems.

The psychological trauma theory of Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, believes that past injuries to the soul are the culprits that cause current misfortune. Many psychologists also believe that people are caused by past experiences, especially childhood experiences. The products of these experiences become subconscious and determine our lives.

Adler denied the theory of psychological trauma. He believed: "Any experience itself is not the cause of success or failure. We are not suffering because of the stimulation (so-called psychological trauma) in our own experiences. In fact, We will discover factors that suit our purpose from experience. It is not the past experience that determines us, but the meaning we give to the experience. ”

If we blindly focus on the causes of the past, we try to explain it solely by reason. Things will fall into "determinism". Eventually we will come to the conclusion that our present and even our future are all determined by the past and cannot be changed at all.

People who are based on the theory of causes, such as general life counselors or psychiatrists, will only point out that "the reason why you are suffering is because of the past", and then simply comfort "so it is not your fault." The so-called psychological trauma theory is a typical example of cause theory.

Adlerian psychology considers not the "causes" of the past, but the "purpose" of the present. "No matter what happened in your previous life, it has no impact on how you live your life in the future." What determines your life is yourself living in "this moment".

For example, a young man’s friend has been hiding in his room for many years. He really hopes to go outside and have a job like a normal person. The young man thinks that his friend may be traumatized because of a bad relationship with his parents, being bullied at school or at work, or because he is too pampered and other reasons that prevent him from going outside.

Adlerian psychology considers not the "causes" of the past, but the "purpose" of the present. He believes that the young friend is not unable to go out because he is uneasy. On the contrary, he creates uneasiness because he does not want to go outside.

Parents will be very worried if they stay locked up in their own room. In this way, parents' attention can be concentrated in one body, and parents can also take careful care of them. At the same time, if you step out of your home, you will become the "majority" that no one pays attention to, become a very ordinary member of the vast sea of ??people, and even become a mediocre person inferior to others. And no one will take themselves seriously. These are the common psychology of reclusive people.

There was also a girl who was afraid of meeting people and blushed whenever she was in front of people. She said she had a phobia of blushing and never dared to confess her feelings to the boy she liked. She was in great pain and came to Adler for consultation. Adler told her that her blushing problem was her own choice because she needed the blushing symptom.

What is the thing that she fears the most and wants to escape from? Of course it is being rejected by the boy you like, which is the blow and self-denial that may come from falling out of love. Because the characteristics of lovelorn in adolescence are very obvious in this aspect.

As long as blushing phobia exists, she can use the idea of ??"the reason why I can't date him is because of blushing phobia" to escape from herself, so that she doesn't have to muster the courage to do so. Or you can convince yourself even if you are rejected, and in the end you can live in a fantasy with the idea that "if my blushing phobia is cured, I can...".

Relying on the phobia of blushing allows you to accept dissatisfaction with yourself or society and an unhappy life. Her fear of blushing became an escape from reality rather than a cause.

Think about many times in life, we clearly know what we should do and what is the most important thing to us, but we are still reluctant to move, unable to make a breakthrough in our hearts, unable to take that step, and anxious. In fact, the external reasons may not be due to external reasons. We need to calm down and think about the purpose of maintaining the status quo in order to solve this problem.

If we continue to rely on the theory of causes, we will never make progress. If we think that the past determines everything and the past cannot be changed, then we living today will be helpless about life.

We cannot go back in time in a time machine, nor can we turn back the clock. If you become a believer in the theory of causes, you will never be able to achieve happiness under the shackles of the past.

Adler said: "What determines us is not the "experience itself" but the "meaning given to the experience." It does not mean that encountering a major disaster or being abused in childhood has no impact on personality. Influence. On the contrary, the influence will be great. But the key is that the experience itself will not determine what we give to the past experience. This directly determines our life, not by others. What you choose is how you choose to live.

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So if the lifestyle is not given innately, but the result of one’s own choices, then you can make a new choice yourself.

No matter when, where, or what kind of situation a person is in You can change everything in your environment. The reason why you can't change is because you have made up your mind not to change.

Although it is inconvenient and unfree, you still feel that your current lifestyle is better. Maybe it’s because I think it’s easier to stay like this without making any changes.

If you keep “the person you are now”, then you can speculate based on experience on how to deal with the situation in front of you and what the outcome will be. A state of familiarity. Even if you encounter a situation, you can find a way to deal with it.

If you choose a new way of life, you don’t know what problems your new self will encounter, and you don’t know what to do. Deal with the present. The future is unpredictable, life will be full of uneasiness, and there may be a more painful and unhappy life waiting for you. In other words, even if people are dissatisfied, they think it is easier and more feasible to maintain the status quo. Peace of mind.

Many people want to change but are afraid of change. It takes a lot of "courage" to change their lifestyle. Faced with the "uneasiness" caused by change and the "dissatisfaction" caused by change. I chose the latter.

Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage. The reason why you are unlucky is not the past or the environment, nor is it due to lack of ability. You just lack "courage", so to speak. "The courage to obtain happiness."

Adler believes that all people's troubles come from interpersonal relationships. Why bother? Because you always want to win the approval of others.

The way all people live is extremely unfree and impossible. If you want to exercise freedom, you have to pay the price, and in relationships, the price of freedom is being disliked by others. p>

Don’t care about other people’s evaluations, don’t be afraid of being disliked by others, and don’t pursue being recognized by others. If you don’t pay the above prices, you will not be able to implement your own way of life, that is, you will not be able to gain freedom.

Sometimes, because you want to meet other people's expectations or don't want to hurt others, you may have your own opinions but are unable to communicate them, and ultimately have to give up what you really want to do.

If you blindly seek approval from others. If you care about other people's evaluations, you will eventually live in other people's lives. If you live for other people's approval, you will be driven everywhere, you will not be free, and you will feel very uncomfortable.

I care more about how I live than what others think of me. That is, "not wanting to be hated by others" may be my issue, but "whether they hate me" is other people's issue. Even if someone doesn't like me, I can't interfere.

Don’t you think worldly success means social recognition? The views put forward by Teacher Wanweigang are worth learning from, and we need recognition from society. But you can think of it this way: you can treat recognition as a by-product, and others will naturally recognize you if you do well - but you should not pursue recognition directly, and you should not be led by recognition.

The courage to achieve happiness also includes the "courage to be hated." Once you have this courage, your relationships will suddenly become easier.

Basically, all conflicts in interpersonal relationships are caused by interference in other people's issues or interference in one's own issues by others. As long as you can separate subjects, interpersonal relationships will change dramatically.

To identify whose problem it is, you only need to consider "Who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice?"

For example, if there is a person who does not love Children who study don't listen to classes, don't do homework, and even forget their textbooks at school.

What would the average parent do? They tried their best to attend remedial classes and hire tutors, but some even got beaten and scolded if they refused to listen.

But whether a child studies or plays with friends is originally a "child's issue", not a parent's issue. Therefore, parents who order their children to study are interfering in other people's subjects. If this is the case, conflicts will certainly be inevitable.

Parents in the world always say things like "thinking about you", but sometimes parents' behavior is obviously to satisfy their own purposes-face, vanity or desire for dominance. It's not "for you" but "for me." It is precisely because they are aware of this kind of deception that children will resist or even retaliate against their parents. We hear that many teenagers harm themselves and do all kinds of outrageous things. In fact, the basic purpose is to take revenge on their parents.

As for the issue of separation, should we just watch the children and ignore them? Laissez-faire is an attitude of not knowing and not wanting to know what the child is doing. Adlerian psychology advocates protecting the child on the basis of understanding what he is doing.

As far as learning is concerned, tell the child that this is his own subject, and his parents will be ready to help him when he wants to learn. In this way, children who notice changes in their parents will have to think about it. How to deal with this topic in the future, he may seek help, or he may find a solution on his own. Don't point fingers at your children when they haven't asked you for help.

If your child just doesn’t want to learn... you just have to accept it. The only one who can really change is yourself. Forcing him is not only useless, but also harmful.

The most important thing is whether the child wants to sincerely discuss with his parents when he is in trouble or whether he can establish that kind of trusting relationship from usual times.

Others do not live to meet your expectations, even your own children do not live to meet the expectations of their parents. Precisely because we are closely related family members, it is even more necessary to consciously separate topics.

Including the issue of trust, we must also separate the topics. Trust others, that's your job. But how to deal with your trust is the other party's issue. If you do not distinguish between boundaries and impose your own wishes on others, it will become crude "interference."

You can also think of it this way. Interfering or even taking on other people's problems will make your life heavy and painful. So don’t interfere in other people’s issues and don’t let others interfere in your own issues.

An analogy the author Ichiro Kishimi likes to use is that you can take a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to drink water. Just like after receiving psychological counseling, what kind of determination the counselee makes and whether to change his lifestyle are all matters of the counselee himself. The counselor can do his best to assist, but cannot interfere.

Separation of subjects is an inevitable requirement of a free society. There must be a sense of boundaries between people, everyone is responsible for themselves, and interpersonal relationships will suddenly become free.

The more modern society becomes, the easier it is to accept the separation of subjects. We see that young people living in big cities now don’t like to listen to the nagging of relatives when they go home during the Chinese New Year. The elders are used to interfering in other people's lives and asking questions when they meet...but the young people are used to the separation of subjects.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend, especially after getting married, you have discovered many shortcomings and always want to try to change the other person. But the more you talk, the more annoyed the other person becomes, and even dislikes your nagging. Not only does the other person not change, but he also becomes angry. I have changed, it is only "I" that has changed. As a result, I don't know what the other party will do, and I can't control it. This is also a separation of topics.

Therefore, even if it is an intimate relationship, it is best to have certain boundaries. If the distance is too close and close to each other, you will not be able to have a direct conversation with the other party.

But the distance cannot be too far. Just like the example of the child who is unwilling to learn mentioned above, if you just reprimand the child blindly, your heart will become alienated. If this is the case, the child will not even discuss it with the parents, and the parents will not be able to provide appropriate assistance.

It is important to maintain a moderate distance within reach but without stepping into the other person's territory. Everyone abides by their own duties and lives their own life, and there will be less entanglements and worries between people.

Adler said that subject separation is the starting point of interpersonal relationships, but where is the "end" of interpersonal relationships? How can we achieve happiness?

The happiness proposed by Adler comes from the advanced state of interpersonal relationships called "sense of empathy".

None of us are the center of the world. We must take the initiative to face interpersonal issues with our own feet. Instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", we must think about "what can I give" What is this person?” This is about participation and integration into the *** community.

So this sense of belonging cannot be obtained just by being there, it must be obtained by actively referring to the *** community.

How to actively participate? It means facing "life issues" head-on, not avoiding interpersonal issues such as work, making friends, and love, but facing them proactively.

Only by giving can you find your place. The sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it must be obtained by your own hands.

People can only feel their own value when they can realize "I am useful to the same body". People can only gain courage when they can feel that they are worthy.

As long as there is a justified value there, you will be happy. All in all, guided by a sense of contribution, you will be both free and happy.

So Adler proposed that happiness is when you care about society, actively participate in it as a member of the community, and find a sense of belonging. Happiness comes from a sense of contribution.

When it comes to the sense of contribution, we must know that you do not belong to just one *** community! Some people have a strong sense of belonging to their workplace. As a result, once they are laid off or retire, they feel very uncomfortable, as if they have been abandoned by the company as a whole.

In fact, this is just being separated from the small community of the company. Everyone still belongs to other communities. You belong to the family, you belong to society, you belong to the country, you belong to all mankind. No matter what, everything about us belongs to the earth as a single entity.

For example, you have a very bad relationship with your teacher at school. The teacher scolds you all day long, and your classmates also laugh at you under the guidance of the teacher. You are bullied in the same community of school and do not do well in your homework Or simply cannot adapt to the school system - this is tantamount to being rejected by a homosexual that one particularly cares about, which feels very bad. So Adler's suggestion is that when you encounter difficulties in a homo, you should think about the larger homo.

If you think school is everything, you will not have any sense of belonging. Then they will escape to smaller social groups, such as the family, and will hide inside and refuse to go out. Sometimes they will even fall into bad situations such as domestic cold violence, hoping to gain some sense of belonging by doing so. .

If you understand the bigness of the world, you will understand the suffering you have suffered in learning. This conflict in this small group is just a "storm in a cup." Of course, that doesn’t mean you should avoid the problem, but first you have to think that other places are not rejecting you.

When we encounter difficulties in interpersonal relationships or cannot see an exit, the first thing we should consider is "listening to the voice of the greater *** community." There is no need to stick to the little *** in front of you. There must be more other "me and you", more other "everyone", and more great homologous bodies.

?The premise of Adler's "***sympathy" is that we must establish horizontal relationships with others, that is, everyone is equal. Take it a step further and see others as partners, not competitors.

In fact, the vast majority of people have no competitive relationship with you, and no one is watching you to compete with you all day long. The relationship of equal cooperation in modern stranger society is actually the simplest.

Separation of subjects solves the problem of freedom, and ***sympathy solves the problem of happiness.

How to establish a sense of empathy is divided into three steps:

The first step is called "self-acceptance". Self-acceptance means that if you can't do it, honestly accept this "you can't do it", and then try your best to work in the direction of what you can do without lying to yourself.

To put it more clearly, you can't Self-deception. For example, if you get a score of 60 on this exam, if you tell yourself that it is just because of bad luck, and my actual level is much higher than this, that is self-deception. The so-called self-acceptance is to accept that your level is indeed not enough, and then. Keep working hard next time. Focus on what you can change, accept what you can't change.

Accept the things that cannot be replaced, accept the reality of "this me", and then make changes about the things that can be changed. "Courage", this is self-acceptance.

The second step is "trust in others". If we dare not trust others, we will end up with nothing. No one can build a deep relationship.

If the relationship is shallow, the pain when it breaks will be small, but the joy that the relationship will produce in life can only be taken further through "trust in others." After deepening the courage of relationships, the joy of interpersonal relationships will increase, and the joy of life will also increase.

The third step is called "other contribution". Happiness comes from the sense of contribution to the community. . Influence and contribution to others as partners are other contributions.

But making a contribution does not mean self-sacrifice. In Adler's view, self-sacrifice is over-adaptation to society. It is not necessary. Contribution by others is not about abandoning "I" to serve others. It is a means to realize the value of "I".

Self-acceptance and trust in others. The three steps of contribution of others are actually a set of progressive logic. It is precisely because of accepting the true self-that is, "self-acceptance"-that one can achieve "trust in others" without fear of betrayal; precisely because of giving to others. Only by unconditionally trusting others and being able to regard others as one's partners can "others contribute"; at the same time, precisely because of contributions to others, one can realize that "I am useful to him" and then accept the true self and achieve " Self-acceptance".

People who lack harmony in life will only judge the "world" by focusing on the person who hates them. Smooth interpersonal relationships are neither due to stuttering nor social phobia or anything else. Really The problem is that we are unable to achieve self-acceptance, trust in others and contributions from others, but focus on one insignificant aspect and attempt to evaluate the entire world based on it.

Mr. Yang Jiang said: "We used to do this. Looking forward to recognition from the outside world, only to realize in the end that the world belongs to oneself and has nothing to do with others. ”

When I first read this book, it felt like sophistry. In the end, the author actually discovered a way to use energy that maximizes efficiency. Between “reality” and “my reaction” There is a buffer zone called "my choice". I choose to have the courage to accept and embrace, and I choose to have the courage to change.

When something happens, don't just complain. Try to change your perspective and ask yourself, why did this happen to me? What does this want to teach me? Then you will find that everything around you has changed.

"The courage to be hated." 》It’s not about attracting the negative energy of being disliked, but if this is the most beautiful brilliance of my life, then, even if there is a possibility of being disliked, I will use my own hands and feet to go there. . Because you have the courage to be hated, you have the possibility of true happiness.