Tell a few jokes

1, the school suddenly caught love, and the dean called us to the auditorium and told us the reason for the governance: "I patrolled the other night and caught a couple in the garden. Do you know what you are doing? " Some of the students below said they were flirting, while others said they were kissing. The dean said, "No, I'll tell you! In the middle of the night, your senior is holding two apples, a pair of red candles and a stick of incense in a small pavilion, worshipping heaven and earth! Scared me to death! "

2. In the evening, my 3-and-a-half-year-old son lies between my wife and me, ready to go to bed. The son said, "Mom hugged me to sleep!" " "I teased him:" Mom hugs you, where's Dad? " The son immediately turned around and said seriously, "Fuck you! "

3. I remember that after the college entrance examination that year, I knew that I didn't do well in the exam, so I told my father truthfully that my exam results were not ideal and so on. The father said helplessly, "If you don't, just repeat it." At this time, the grandfather sitting on the side said angrily: "If you don't take the exam, you won't take the exam. What poison should I take? " ! "

4. A gentleman sang rock and roll at the top of his lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to change greatly …" A gentleman who was reading a book suddenly looked up and asked in surprise: "Isn't the toilet empty?"

5. One day, Xiaoming's father took Xiaoming to dinner. When he arrived at the restaurant, Xiaoming's father said to the waiter: fried chicken, braised fish, stewed mushroom soup, pork elbow, spiced meatballs … none of the above, just two steamed buns. Waiter and Xiaoming: Your sister. 6." 1 10? Somebody please. Something is wrong! ""Hello, what's your emergency? " "Both girls want to associate with me and fight!" "That ... this ... this ..." "Come on! Ugly is going to win! ! "

7. In Chinese class, the teacher asked, "Quantifiers can't be omitted at will sometimes. Which student can give an example? " Xiao Qiang immediately replied, "For example,' He gave me a gun'. If the quantifier' zhi' is omitted, my fate will be different! "

8. An old farmer is hoeing in the field. A crow flew over and took a shit and landed on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Cao, you mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Cao! You shit and wear underpants! "

9. When I was a child, I was probably in the third grade. Teacher's homework: P45, paragraph 2, copy it five times. The homework handed in by a classmate the next day is like this: P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph P45 second paragraph …

10, two poems written by Tomb-Sweeping Day: 1. Ghosts abound in Tomb-Sweeping Day, and pedestrians on the road are scared to death. Why do wild ghosts run? Because there is no money to buy a grave. 2. Tears streamed down her face during the Qingming Festival, and the dead in the grave cried for the living. The house price is more expensive than the grave price, so it always consumes the spirit of the living.

1 1. A vicious wolf came out for food and heard a woman lecturing her child, saying, If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! As a result, the wolf waited all night and said, shit! The old lady broke her word!

12. Health tips: After eating a full meal, don't smoke, take a bath, get angry, loosen your belt under temptation, brush your teeth, go to the toilet or drink alcohol. Do you know Bajie?

13, the man asked his friend, "I heard you talked about someone." The friend replied, "Yes, it was two thirds successful." The man wondered, "What do you mean?" The friend explained: "The matchmaker agreed, I agreed, and the woman disagreed!" " "

14. When British students talk with foreigners, they always like to look at the navel of others. A classmate reminded me: "You should look into other people's eyes. How can I always look at my navel! " The classmate explained: "I have seen many foreign movies and always think that there will be subtitles in that place."

15, a goddess sent a state: "The three most important words for boys are never that Gao Shuai is rich, but that he is self-motivated." Then, she deleted all the male friends who turned to this state. ...

16. In the cell, two prisoners are chatting. One of them asked the other, "How did you get caught?" "Because of a cold." "What's the matter?" "It's very simple. I sneezed when I was stealing, and the security guard woke up. "

17, son: "Dad, there is a poor old uncle outside. He has been shouting outside, so dad, can you give me two dollars? " I wanted to give it to him. "Dad:" Good boy, you will pity the old man when you are young. Commendable. Here are two dollars for you. "Dad:" Oh, by the way, what's the name of that old uncle? "Son:" Ice cream, one from 2 yuan! "Come on!"

18, the happiest thing every day is to watch my wife hit her face with lotion in the morning. It's so cool. While listening, I said to myself, "I told you to let me wash my socks, let me pick up the children, let me not drink, let me not play games, fight, fight, fight for me!" " "Add QQ334422 super handsome boy.

19, 20 years ago, dad held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and dad cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

20. When the child has a first birthday, parents put all kinds of items around the child to see which one the child will catch. As a result, the child smashed everything. Mother said worriedly, "Oh, it's all ruined. Can't you see what the child will do in the future? " The father pondered for a moment, and suddenly his body shook, saying, "Shit, this turtle son must be a city manager in the future!" " "