I would rather live than die.

Different people have different views on life and death. For me, everyone can laugh at me as a coward in life. I often say to myself, "Oh, CoCo Lee, it's no big deal. Life is worse than death. No matter what difficulties and disappointments I encounter, I would rather live than be suicidal.

My strong will to survive stems from several past events I have experienced. These things give me a new understanding of life and death, and make me feel that life is more important than anything else.

Event 1:

My father is a smoker. He always smokes and drinks. I think his bad habit may be related to his experience: he lost his wife at the age of 35 and refused to continue his marriage for our brother and sister. Because he is afraid that his stepmother will abuse the children.

I heard from my grandmother that some time after my mother died, many people came to propose to my father, mostly married women with children. When my father saw this gesture, he said to my grandmother, "Mom, keep the change!" " ! They all carry their children on their backs, and I'm afraid his brother and sister will fall to the ground! "My father lost his wife at a young age, and only he knows this pain best. So it is not surprising that he often drinks and smokes all the time. In addition, my father held a custody position in a small factory in the village, which gave me an excuse to drink and smoke.

I remember when I was a child, my father was drunk almost every day. The moment my father was lying in bed talking nonsense was the saddest and saddest moment for me. I hate my father's alcohol and the strong smell of tobacco on his fingers.

Later, when I grew up, I gradually understood the hardships and difficulties of my father's life, and I no longer worried about my father's drinking and smoking. I patiently advised my father to smoke less and drink less and pay attention to his health in the future.

But once the bad habits of many years are formed, it is difficult to correct them. At this time, my father would casually smile and say a few words: "Although Lin Zexu destroyed opium in Humen, what can I do?" I only have this hobby in my life. How can we lose it? Otherwise, it's too boring to live? "

Years of bad habits eventually led to irreparable consequences. My father got laryngeal cancer at the age of 7 1. Before we died, our brother and sister tried their best to treat in the hospital, but there was nothing they could do. How eager my father is to survive at this time! He changed his previous frugal habit and began to pay attention to healthy diet: boiled milk he didn't like and boiled fruit he didn't like. He even asked us to prescribe tonic for him to keep fit and get well as soon as possible.

I tell this story here, not because I violated my most respected father, but because of a heartfelt sigh: people are afraid of death. Talking about death and dying are sometimes really two different things, which may be a person's instinct to survive.

Event 2:

I'm going to have minimally invasive heart surgery tomorrow. I am hiding in the study tonight to write a suicide note. In case the operation fails, I will explain the distribution of my inheritance.

You may think it's funny, but this little thing is not that scary, is it? No, I don't, but I have no idea or confidence about tomorrow's operation, so I can only prepare for the worst.

The next morning, my husband and I were going to drive to the hospital. Before leaving, I quietly said to my son, "Don't be sad that mom failed in surgery and can't come back." Mom left you a letter in the book "10,000 Why". You can take it out and have a look ... My son quickly put his hand over my mouth before I finished, saying, "Bah, mom, what are you talking about?" Your operation will be successful today. I don't need to read any letters you left. Don't worry! "

My husband drove me to the opposite side of the hospital gate and found a vacant lot to park my car. My foot slipped when I got off the bus. I looked down, what bad luck, I stepped on a piece of shit. I was very unhappy and thought, "Today is going to be bad, and going out is not smooth!" " "

My husband calmly said to me: "You go to the grass on the roadside and rub it, and it will be clean." Hearing this, I walked into the green belt at the entrance of the hospital and rubbed my feet repeatedly in the grass. Fortunately, it really worked. The grass in the early morning and late autumn is covered with crystal dew, and my feet are much cleaner after a few wipes. So, I went to another piece of turf and rubbed it, hoping that the soles would be cleaner. Just rubbed it five or six times and jumped up, damn it! There is a huge dead mouse lying at my feet! Bad luck. Today, something bad happened. It seems that today's surgery is going to be bad, I think.

On the operating table, I have a feeling of being slaughtered. Life and death are decided by the doctor. But on the operating table, I deeply realized the professional ethics of doctors to save lives: two doctors simultaneously punctured and implanted surgical instruments in the root of my left shoulder and right leg. Throughout the process, I can feel the difficulty of the doctor giving me internal input equipment and the anxiety when I can't find the lesion. At this time, I am also full of strong desire to survive on the operating table: actively cooperate with the doctor's operation process, and do not allow myself to breathe unscrupulously. Because the doctor told me that a little negligence will affect the effect of the operation, and it is easy to produce sequelae of chest pain. Before the god of life, I became very perverse, completely lost my previous willfulness, and completely obeyed the doctor's arrangement, just like an obedient pupil.

After the operation, I lay upright in the hospital bed for another four hours, just because the doctor told me, "If you move casually, there may be massive bleeding at the surgical site, then you will be in big trouble. Don't move."

The desire for life finally overcame the exhaustion of my body, and I lived again, completely getting rid of the trouble of palpitation.

When I got home, I took out my will from 10 thousand whys, shredded it gently and quietly threw it into the trash can. Because I firmly believe that my operation will be successful, my son didn't read my so-called "will" at all, and his heart was filled with emotion.

It's been more than two years, and now when I think about it, I will secretly be glad of my luck at that time and feel that this is a rebirth opportunity given to me by God.

I sometimes say to my son, "Each of us should cherish our own life. No matter how hard it is, you can't give up life easily. It's good to be alive! Mom should live happily now, no matter how difficult she will encounter in the future. A mother is afraid of death and will never commit suicide. Because, without experiencing death, one can't realize the meaning of living ... "

People may laugh at me for being out of tune, right, but anyway, from now on, I'd rather live a miserable life than take my own life. Unless God doesn't give me a chance to live, there is nothing I can do.