I played a joke on myself.

Current status, deep depression. Headache, insomnia, happiness and sadness, even I think I may die at any time. I hate myself like this, just like a dying fish, struggling desperately in a fishing net.

I am tired, from the bottom of my heart. I thought vigorous love could bring me a happy life. However, I was wrong. This marriage, like the devil, pushed me to the abyss step by step.

I thought that the love I got by selling my relatives and friends would be Qi Mei, but I didn't expect it to be like this, just not as people who used to be poor together knew. I can't forget overhearing him say "I'm not going to marry her" to my mother-in-law the day before our engagement. This sentence, how ironic, like a knife, deeply penetrated into my heart.

But I was naive. I thought we had love. It turned out that I was the only one who exchanged pity for everyone's sympathy. Everyone thinks I'm a little girl, and I don't even want to give him my home. How devoted and pitiful I was, I told him to treat me well.

But he didn't. He left me alone in his house and turned to the Internet cafe. I look forward to his return every day, hoping that he can accompany me. But no, he still went his own way and never considered me at all. I even asked my friends to send me socks and things like that.

Maybe at that time, I should leave him instead of sticking to him like a dog skin plaster. Now that I think about it, it was really stupid. Although we talked for two years, the two-year long-distance love only produced beauty and did not show the real him.

Now, we have been together for five years and our children are five years old. He hasn't given me a wedding, a real recognition. Because poverty and indifference are two different things. Five years ruined my fantasy about him. Even with children, I still live a single mother's life, as if the child is my own and has nothing to do with him.

We seldom contact each other, and he is never around when I need him. Especially in the first year after giving birth, postpartum depression made me miserable. But he flew away with the luggage. At that time, I felt that I had nothing, no money, no job, and what to raise my children with. Every time I ask him for money, I am humble. Be careful when buying diapers, even summer clothes are bought for more than ten yuan. I remember that the most expensive dress I wore that summer was bought by my sister. My life that year was really worse than that of pigs and dogs.

Later, I found a part-time job, and my salary was a few hundred dollars. I couldn't afford to raise children at all. So, I borrowed all kinds of online loans and credit cards and owed a lot of debts, which have not been paid back yet. Because there is no money, because it costs too much.

Now I am deeply depressed. I don't know how long I can last, but I'm really tired. I want a divorce. I told myself that you shouldn't drag him down. He doesn't love you, so why bother others? But I'm really divorced and I don't even have a place to live.

Originally, my parents preferred sons to daughters, and I didn't have deep feelings with them. I was brought up by my grandparents. Later, I lived with them. Every day, either my mother's nagging and abuse, or my father helps me with my homework, because I don't answer any questions and get slapped. Or you can warm your brother's milk to the pigs. I will never forget my brother's laughter and my mother's contemptuous eyes when my father said I was as stupid as a pig. I can't forget ordering milk at school and secretly giving my brother milk money. I just watch others drink it. I can't forget that my mother said to my father: she is like this. If she can't go to school, don't let her go to school. Let's train her son well.

This family environment always makes me feel like an outsider, and the three of them are the real family, a happy family. So I felt inferior and insecure since I was a child, so when I met him, I felt that he could give me a sense of security and give me the happiness I wanted. But in fact, I was wrong. He made my life worse.

Life will continue. Maybe one day, I may get divorced and live alone with my children. But, girl, you really have to be careful when you get married, or it will be too late to regret it. Like me, I played a joke on myself.