Urgent! ! ! urgent! ! ! Give me some funny jokes, not pornographic, that you can tell in public

1. A priest was playing golf, and a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, missed!" He hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD. , Missed again!" The nun said, "As a priest, God will punish you for swearing." As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, God’s voice came from the sky: “TMD, I missed the target too!”

2. Believer: “Almighty God, how long is ten thousand years to you? ”

God: “It takes me a blink of an eye.”

Believer: “What about 1 billion yuan?”

God: “It’s just me.” Just a hair."

Believer: "Oh, merciful God, please give me a hair."

God: "No problem, wait. I’ll give it to you in a blink of an eye.”

3. The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: South Korea needs 50. Year. The Korean coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. God said again: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. The Chinese coach quickly asked: Where are we? God cried loudly: I can’t see him anymore.

4. There was a man who had a son in middle age, and he doted on him very much. He worked hard to raise his son to adulthood, and worked hard to support his son through college. Hungry and frugal, he bought a house for his son, married a wife, and became old himself. However, the son was unfilial and drove him out of the house on a stormy night. The old man came to a dilapidated temple to take shelter from the rain. The old man was very sad and looked up to the sky and sighed: God, why are you so unfair to me? After a flash of lightning, an older voice said: "This is retribution." At this time, the old man saw an older man coming in and out of the corner of the ruined temple. The old man was shocked: "Are you God?" The older man said: "Asshole! You kicked me out more than 20 years ago. I am your father, and you don't recognize me anymore?"

5. In the barber shop, when the priest finished cutting his hair and handed over the money, the barber said: "I won't charge you any money, I will treat it as serving God." The next morning, the barber saw the shop There was a thank you letter and several Bibles in front of the door.

A few days later, a police officer wanted to pay for a haircut. The barber said: "I won't charge you any money. I will treat it as serving our community."

The next morning, the barber saw another thank you letter and some "Community Service Manual" in front of the shop.

A few days later, a government official came to get a haircut. When he paid for it, the barber said to him: "I won't charge you any money. I will treat him as serving the government." The next day In the morning, the barber saw a row of government officials standing in front of the door

6. One day, Clinton's wife Chirac was taken to see God. She found that there were many watches hanging in God's living room, and these watches Some walk fast, some walk slowly. So she asked the servant of God: "Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don't go at the same speed?"

The servant of God said: "These watches represent human life , Everyone in the world has a similar watch. If he has many affairs, his watch will run faster, and if he has no affairs, his watch will run slower."

After hearing this, Chirac said. He looked around and said, "Why don't you see my husband Clinton's watch?" God's servant said, "Your husband's watch was taken to the office by God and used as an electric fan!

7. A pair The old couple, whose sons were born in the same year and on the same day, have lived together for 35 years. Today, they held a banquet to celebrate their 60th birthday. During the banquet, God came and praised the old couple as a true "loving couple." , and promised to give each of them a wish.

The old lady said excitedly: "We are very poor. I just want to see the world and go on a global tour."

God waved his hand, and with a bang, a dozen plane tickets came from It fell into the old lady's hand from the air. It was time for the old man to make a wish. He thought for a while and said, "I want to marry a woman 30 years younger than me."

God touched his hand again, and bang! ...

The old man suddenly became 90 years old

8. God squeezed a person out of mud, and human beings have been born since then;

The first thing that existed was White people---because God put the clay figures on the fire and roasted them lightly;

Secondly, there were black people---because they were worried that the fire would not heat up enough and they would become bigger;

Later I learned With the best heat, we have the yellow race, so we are God's most successful masterpiece.

9. Little Peter proudly said to his friends: "My uncle is a priest, and everyone calls him a respected priest."

Little Paul said: "My uncle He is a bishop, and anyone who talks to him calls him "Your Excellency."

Little Lakos was unconvinced: "What's so big about this?"

All. Everyone who saw him shouted: "Oh! My God!"