How to effectively deal with criticism and ridicule from others

[Topic]: How to effectively deal with criticism and ridicule from others?

[Fragment Source]: Burns' New Emotional Therapy

R: read the original text

Other people's criticism of you may be right or wrong. If the criticism is wrong, you need not worry at all. Think about what I said, even for a minute! Many patients came to me in tears, angry and anxious because their relatives criticized them. In fact, these criticisms are inaccurate and thoughtless, and there is no need to be so sad. If you make an unfair mistake when criticizing you, why are you upset? Why are you sad? Do you think everyone else is perfect? Besides, if the criticism is accurate, you have no reason to feel broken. You are not perfect. Just admit your mistakes and try to correct them. Does it sound simple (in fact)? However, it may take some thinking to turn this emotional perception into a real rational emotion.

Now, I want to teach you a language skill. Although they are simple, they may need a lot of practice. If someone attacks you, what should you say? If you want to improve your sense of control and confidence, how should you handle this difficult situation?

Step 1: Empathy

If someone criticizes you or attacks you, he or she may want to help you or hurt you. So, what your critics say may be right or wrong, or somewhere between right and wrong. However, it is unwise to dwell on right and wrong from the beginning. You must ask this person a series of specific questions to understand his (or her) real intentions. Don't jump to conclusions when asking questions, and don't rush to explain. On the contrary, you should keep asking questions, the more detailed the better, and try to look at the problem from the perspective of your critics. If this person only attacks you with vague and insulting labels, you should ask him or her to be more specific and ask the other person to point out what he or she hates about you. To take this step, you need to spend some energy to get rid of the unreasonable entanglement of critics, but this can transform the communication of "attack and defense" into a cooperative relationship of mutual respect.

? Step 2: Eliminate the hostility of critics.

If someone points a gun at you, you have three choices: first, stand up and point a gun at each other, and usually end up mutually assured destruction; Second, you can run or dodge bullets, which will generally make you feel humiliated and lose your self-esteem; Or the third way, you can stay put and use skills to eliminate the hostility of the other side. So far, I think the third method is the most satisfactory. As long as you can calm each other's anger, you are the winner; And under normal circumstances, the other side will think that they have won. How to do this? It's simple. No matter what the critic said was right or wrong, he tried to recognize him at first. If what the other person says is completely nonsense, you can agree with the critic in principle; Or you can find some real ingredients in the criticism and then recognize it; Or you can admit that his (or her) anger is understandable from the other person's point of view.

? ? Step 3: Feedback and negotiation

When criticized, just put yourself in the other's shoes and listen carefully, then try to identify with each other and eliminate their hostility. You need to express your position and feelings tactfully and firmly, and also explore whether there are cognitive differences between the two sides.

Central idea &; key word

The first paragraph: No matter whether others criticize you right or wrong, there is no need to get angry. Because there are no perfect people in the world, whether they are themselves or others. If TA is wrong, there is no need to care; If TA is right, we should also accept our own shortcomings and deficiencies. It sounds simple, but it is not easy to do, and we need to practice it deliberately.

(Key words in this paragraph: Imperfect)

Paragraph 2: When others attack you, using the following language skills can improve your sense of control and self-confidence.

Step 1: Empathy

Paragraph 3: If TA criticizes or attacks you, don't care whether what TA said is right or wrong, and don't jump to conclusions or defend yourself easily. You can put yourself in the other's shoes first, and by constantly asking specific questions in detail, you can understand the real intention of TA and what he hates about you. You need to spend some energy to get rid of critics' attacks and labels' unreasonable entanglement, and turn the "offensive and defensive" communication into a cooperative relationship of mutual respect.

(Key words in this paragraph: true intention, mutual respect)

? Step 2: Eliminate the hostility of critics.

Paragraph 4: When someone attacks you, there are three choices: fighting (probably mutually assured destruction), escaping (feeling humiliated and losing self-esteem), keeping calm and using skills to eliminate the hostility of the other party. Obviously, the third option is better. Note: No matter what the other person says is right or wrong, it is the key to find a way to recognize and understand the other person and calm his anger. Try to find out which part of the other person you agree with, such as some of his principles, opinions or behaviors, and admit that TA's anger is understandable from the other person's point of view.

(Key words in this paragraph: recognition, understanding and calming anger)

Step 3: Feedback and negotiation

Paragraph 5: After the first two steps, after eliminating the hostility of the other party, you can feedback your position and feelings to the other party, and discuss any cognitive differences between the two sides at the same time, and gradually reach an agreement.

(Keywords: feedback, position, feelings)

The central idea of this clip is

This clip tells us that in the face of others' criticism and ridicule, we can eliminate each other's hostility and maintain a respectful relationship through the trilogy of turning enemies into friends (empathy listening, identification, feedback and negotiation), and finally reach an agreement through consultation.

The key words in this video are eliminating hostility, sympathetic listening, identification, feedback and negotiation.

My brain tonic

What is empathy:

1. Change the taste; Transfer emotions: ~ Don't fall in love.

2. Transfer one's attitude or emotion to another person, or transfer one's subjective emotion to an objective object.

Baidu Encyclopedia Interpretation:

The word empathy comes from psychoanalysis and is a term of psychoanalysis. Visitor's empathy refers to a strong emotion that visitors have for analysts in the process of psychoanalysis with hypnotherapy and free association as the main body. This is a process in which visitors project their past feelings about some important people in their lives onto analysts.

What is empathy listening?

Empathy listening means that one person understands another person's true intentions and feelings and feeds back his understanding to the speaker. When listening to students, teachers should avoid giving suggestions, solutions, criticisms, accusations or questions too quickly and keep an open communication relationship with students. Empathy listening is an effective way to deal with conflicts between students and teachers. Teachers should confess to students that they have understood the contents of students' speeches and their intentions, emotions and deep meanings. When students know that their teachers have really understood their words and have not made negative comments on their speeches and feelings, they will trust their teachers more and open their hearts to them more easily. [ 1]

In 1974, C. Kelly put forward the concept of empathy listening. In 1986, sokolov and others summarized several elements of empathetic listening: (1) Pay attention to the analysis of superficial stimuli; (2) Pay close attention to verbal and non-verbal information; (3) Distinguish rational components and emotional components in speech; (4) Inferring the speaker's mood.

No matter what the critic says is right or wrong, I always try to recognize him from the beginning.

My theme identification is the starting point to effectively deal with criticism and ridicule from others, and empathy listening is the basis of identification.

I: retell the original text

This clip tells us that in the face of criticism and ridicule from others, we can eliminate each other's hostility through three steps (sympathetic listening, identification, feedback and negotiation), maintain a respectful relationship, express our views, and finally reach an agreement through consultation.

No matter whether others criticize you right or wrong, there is no need to get angry. Because there are no perfect people in the world, whether they are themselves or others. If TA is wrong, there is no need to care; If TA is right, we should also accept our own shortcomings and deficiencies. It sounds simple, but it is not easy to do, and we need to practice it deliberately.

(How) When others criticize or attack you, we can use the three-step method to improve our sense of control and self-confidence. The specific steps are as follows:

Step 1: Calm down, listen empathetically and ask questions. If TA criticizes or attacks you, don't care whether TA's words are right or wrong, and don't jump to conclusions or defend yourself easily. First of all, you should be calm (impulse is the devil), put yourself in the shoes, and listen to TA's thoughts by constantly asking specific questions, so as to understand his real intentions and what he hates about you. You need to spend some energy to get rid of critics' attacks and labels' unreasonable entanglement, and turn the "offensive and defensive" communication into a cooperative relationship of mutual respect.

Several elements should be paid attention to in empathy listening: (1) Pay attention to the analysis of surface stimuli; (2) Pay close attention to verbal and non-verbal information; (3) Distinguish rational components and emotional components in speech; (4) Inferring the speaker's mood.

Step 2: Identify and eliminate the hostility of critics. When someone attacks you, there are three choices: fight (probably mutually assured destruction), escape (feeling humiliated and losing self-esteem), identify with TA and use skills to eliminate hostility. Obviously, the third option is better. Note: No matter what the other party says is right or wrong, the first step is to find ways to recognize and understand the other party and calm the other party's anger on the basis of sympathetic listening. Try to find out which part of the other person you agree with, such as some of his principles, opinions, feelings or behaviors. It is understandable to admit TA's anger from the other person's point of view.

? Step 3: Observe opportunities, give feedback and negotiate. After the first two steps, when you judge that the hostility of the other party has been eliminated, you can feedback your position and feelings to the other party, and discuss the cognitive differences between the two sides and gradually reach an agreement.

This method is suitable for dealing with all kinds of criticisms, accusations and satires of others, no matter whether their intention is to help you or to attack or hurt you.

A 1: relevant experience

Seeing this clip, I immediately saw a large number of cases, the most serious one, and took a table with the leader two years ago, which led to the deterioration of relations. The thing is this: that day, the leader asked me to draft and issue a notice to arrange grass-roots units to declare special assessment projects for next year. I have differences with the leader. I think we must report our ideas to the factory director first, and then assign tasks downwards after docking. Because this work is new, we are completely at a loss about the director's intention at present. Not only is it possible to rework rashly, but it will also have a very bad influence. However, the leader thinks that the report to the factory director is relatively complete after the work results come out, otherwise it is likely to be criticized (the factory director is a grumpy person). Faced with my disapproval, he was very upset and insisted on assigning work, but I refused to carry it out. As a result, the leader slapped me on the table. I was so depressed that I threw the book he slapped on my desk out of the door. This is the only time I was angry with my superiors, which led to serious consequences. For a long time, my work enthusiasm was very low, and I even wanted to jump ship.

Reflection: If I am dissatisfied with the leader and start to accuse me, I can ① keep calm, empathize, listen, ask the leader more questions and explore his true feelings and worries; 2 identify with the feelings of leaders with empathy and reduce hostility; (3) In the case that both parties are emotionally stable, feedback my feelings and opinions and further negotiate. At least things won't get so serious.

A 1+: When my leader is in a bad mood after expressing different opinions, I can say this:

? Me: "Leader, why don't you want the director to look at the plan before sending it?"

? Leader: "If there is no result to report, the director will definitely approve me. Don't you know the director's temper? " ..... finish first and then report. "

? ..... (empathetic listening, asking questions)

? Me: "Mm-hmm, the factory director really curses. This is his usual style. I know exactly how you feel! It seems that you want to finish the work assigned by the director within the specified time without being scolded by the leader. Our goal is the same! " (Identify and eliminate hostility)

Observe the emotions, manners, words, etc. of leaders. If he is still in a bad mood, change the subject for the time being and talk about it later. If he calms down at this time, I will continue to communicate with him:

Me: "To be effective and complete this work as soon as possible, we must reflect the real intention of the factory director. I still think we should talk to the factory director once and connect our ideas with the factory director. " Otherwise, the director is not satisfied. With his personality, we will definitely rework, and it will make other units feel embarrassed and think that we have no professional standards? I think being scolded is more important than establishing the prestige of our department and you. What do you think, leader? "

If the leader still doesn't want to, I can continue to say, "Since you don't want to report to the director, I can show the plan to the director, so that you don't have to say it in person to avoid his criticism."

? Continue to negotiate, try not to give up your point of view easily unless absolutely necessary, and consider the other side's position to seek a mutually acceptable plan. (Feedback and negotiation)

A2: Goal planning

Goal: When the other party accuses, criticizes or taunts me, I will try to practice it twice in a week, and use the three-step method of turning an enemy into a friend to keep inner peace, find the real reason, resolve the other party's dissatisfaction and reach the ultimate goal of consensus.

Action: (one week)

Read the following words once every morning: "No one in the world is perfect, neither demanding themselves nor others, so I don't need to be angry. I also have a magic weapon to turn hostility into friendship (empathetic listening, identification and feedback negotiation), which can help me subtly resolve the hostility of the other party, as long as I can identify with him first! "

(2) Every night, I review whether this kind of incident happened that day and record my application of three-step method. How to deal with it? My feelings? Write it on my copy.

③ Supervision: Send the results to a small group for everyone to supervise me. If there is no resumption task within a week, I will issue a red envelope. If I insist on resuming trading for a week, and nothing similar happens, it means that I am very popular. Give myself three praises!

?