I dare not slack off because I can’t swallow the reassurance you gave me.

An older colleague among my colleagues told me: "You have a stable job now, your husband can make money, and your basic life is satisfied. It will definitely get better and better in a few years. We have You will have it in the future, don’t worry, just take your time.”

Out of good intentions, she gave me a reassurance in my irritated and depressed life for material life, but I couldn’t swallow it. Go down.

I want to tell her that I am different from you. Your parents helped you buy your house with a down payment. You were nearly 40 years old when you became a section chief and received a salary of 10,000 yuan. Your husband is at the same level as you, but if you want to live a better life, you have to accept support from your parents. They always come to your house and try to find a way to stuff money in a corner of your room.

But neither my husband nor I have parents with such favorable conditions. I know that house prices are rising, but I am powerless. Our work has just started, and now we can’t even raise the down payment. Our parents are struggling to make ends meet and often need our subsidies and help. I cannot be satisfied with the so-called establishment. After all, I am still far away from retirement. If the policy changes in a few years, there will probably be no such thing as internal and external establishment.

I don’t dare to slack off, because I am still living the life of an office worker walking on thin ice. I still have to survive under the eyes of my boss, and I still have to work hard in the smoke-filled competition. I don't own a house, and I can't afford to have children. I need a solid material foundation to live a decent life, and I also need to master the skills to settle down and live a life instead of being forced to make a living in fear.

I dare not slack off, because I am worried that once I choose to muddle along, I may face the risk of being eliminated, the nightmare of being left behind, and becoming a beaten dog and a small and humble soul.

I have always been a down-to-earth and hard-working person, but I often regretted my pursuit of comfort when I was young, and I also secretly regretted the detours I had taken.

For a period of time, I was crazy about online shopping. It was in the early days of the rise of Xinbao and the online shopping craze was at its peak. Like those girls in their early 20s who are afraid that they will lose their beauty by the time they turn 25, I think about how to dress up brightly all day long, so that I can maintain my appearance and swagger in front of and behind others. I regard attracting men's gaze and women's envy as the most significant manifestation of my existence. I thought that I finally got rid of the low self-esteem and poverty of my original family and achieved a new self.

There were relatively few courses at that time, and I skipped the ones I had. I either went for an internship or a part-time job. The excuse I gave myself was to try out different positions to prepare myself for future employment. In fact, it is very blind and disorganized. I have applied for various types of positions, but I only see meager internship wages. I often complain about the company's squeeze on interns, and complain that the company's conditions and treatment for interns are not fair and just. Looking back now, I only did it for the sake of a good resume that I could fill in my resume. I did not seriously improve my abilities and update my skills during the internship, nor did I expand my network or make friends with my mentors. I just deceived myself into thinking that I was working hard. In fact, I was short-sighted and saw a little profit. I just wanted to make money, spend and shop, enjoy a life of eating, drinking, having fun, and living in luxury, and smugly dreamed of making a living on my own.

As a student at that time, I could earn more than 3,000 yuan a month working part-time, and I would spend more than 2/3 of the money on clothes, and what I bought were all cheap. I have always been immersed in the illusion that I am very discerning and good at choosing. I always think that I can buy the best things with the least money. And I have always felt good about myself and accepted compliments from people around me, thinking that I have great taste. Later, it wasn’t until after graduation that I discovered that street stall goods will always be street stall goods. No matter where you shop or buy, what you buy for 50 yuan will never have the quality of 500 yuan, and the ones I was so proud of were “ The theory that "if you have a good figure, you will look good no matter what you wear" is just a joke in the eyes of sensible people.

I wasted all those precious time and learning opportunities, but prematurely overdrawn my energy and desires in order to make money. In the end, I became mediocre and bored, leaving only emptiness and confusion in my heart.

This major discovery was like an enlightenment, giving me a profound enlightenment. When I saved a lot of time browsing shopping websites, I found that I was actually not as busy as I thought. I have a lot of time to read, write articles, continue to pursue my literary dream, and become a literati poet in the new era. And I can also tap into my potential and develop more interests and hobbies. After I started working, I used my spare time to learn guzheng. Now my guzheng playing level has reached amateur level 7. Although I cannot say that I have outstanding skills, I have a skill that is impressive in my life circle.

I don’t dare to slack off. When I earn my hard-earned money and then squander it as if to vent, I actually feel panic in my heart, and that panic urges me to change. I dare not be satisfied with a 9-to-5, easy job like the official wives and rich wives around me. I dare not expect the favor of fate, and I cannot expect my husband to complete the mission of creating wealth for me. , all I have to rely on is myself. The reason why I woke up from the previous period of mediocre depression was because I couldn't swallow this self-paralysis reassurance.

I can neither lie on the bed of self-hypnosis and enjoy an ordinary life, nor do I want to work hard and ignore the future like most people. I don’t like to live my life unchanged and step by step. I want to Exploring a richer and broader world, I long for unlimited possibilities when planning for the future, instead of wasting time in the repetition and triviality of daily necessities. When others pity me for being too busy and in a hurry, I don't comment. I can't say that their "this world is stable and the years are quiet" is wrong, because I can't guarantee that I am right if I grit my teeth and persevere. My background and experiences always spur me on, telling me not to slack off or to just take things as they come. This personality creates me and binds me just like genes. I can only keep pushing myself and tighten the clockwork of my brain so that I can breathe and avoid drowning in a deep sleep.

I suddenly remembered an article that was passed down by word of mouth: "I struggled for 18 years to sit down and drink coffee with you." Yes, I know how difficult it was for me to rise from a humble bottom to where I am today. When my native family could only be called common people, I could play the role of an intellectual. So I cherish everything I get, and I also cherish my feathers that have finally become plump as I grow. If you still try to persuade me to take a reassurance pill that will turn me into a vegetative state, I can't swallow it.