Request time travel + doomsday themed jokes

1. A certain man woke up and found himself in an airplane cabin

Surrounded by guards and full of military knowledge

He was obviously experienced in many battles. A peerless general

Before he even had time to ask who the guard next to him was

he saw a foreigner sitting in front turned to him and said with a smile:

" Mr. Lin, it's safe, we have arrived in Outer Mongolia."

2. Traveling back, I found that I knew astronomy and geography, and was proficient in mathematics and science. Countless plans sprang out, and I was inspired to do so. , picked up the branch and found a piece of sand to draw what he had learned in his mind. Not long after, a Roman soldier came in with a sword.

3. After traveling back in time, I felt that I had an aura of domineering power, which was inexplicable.

Opening his eyes, there was a plate of meat cakes in front of him. The aroma was fragrant. He happened to be hungry, so he opened his mouth to chew. When he was eating happily, an envoy next to him smiled and said: "Xibohou, your Majesty." Does the meat pie you gave me taste good? ”

4. You look down and see that you are wearing a crisp suit and leather shoes. Recall that you are a Harvard graduate, a senior executive in a top company, The family has a car, a house, a beautiful girl, and hundreds of thousands of dollars every minute. Looking up, I saw countless high-rise buildings, cars and pedestrians right under my feet. I felt so satisfied and laughed. Suddenly there was a gray plane... Yeah, why is there another gray plane...

5. Going back in time, I felt that I had a domineering aura in me, which was inexplicable. I was so proud of myself, When I opened my eyes, I suddenly noticed a pile of excrement on the plate in front of me. An envoy next to him smiled and said: "Sir, do you think the king's illness will be cured?"

6. A virgin who was accompanied by AV opened his eyes and found that he was wearing silk and satin, accompanied by a peerless beauty. , recalling all the things before time travel, it felt like a world away, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic in my heart, I immediately dropped the paper and wrote down the famous line of Li Yu, the empress of the Southern Tang Dynasty: When will the spring flowers and autumn moon come, how many small buildings do you know from the past? Last night, there was an east wind, and the motherland cannot bear to look back on the jade carved in the moonlight. The answer is still there, but Zhu Yan asks you how much sorrow you have, just like a river of spring water flowing eastward

A few days later, a servant came to report: "Your Majesty has a decree to give wine to the Duke of Longguo~ ~"

7. After a moment of trance, I looked again and saw that I was in the center of the glorious hall, surrounded by people. He was dressed in luxurious clothes, well-tailored, and obviously hand-sewn with the best quality. He was surrounded by a feast of entertainment, and the male and female guests all behaved in a noble manner, making them all members of the aristocracy.

If you think about it carefully, you will find that your family was originally a great noble, and they also followed the general trend and invested overseas, making huge profits. When I go to the United States, there are old senators from my clan, hundreds of thousands of fertile fields, dozens of buildings, and countless servants and thugs. In the following hundreds of years, North America's dragon spirit has not diminished, and it can take advantage of this trend to turn the world upside down.

While I was drifting off, there was a commotion outside the hall, and someone shouted: Iceberg! Iceberg ahead!!

8. Yimeng, the impoverished otaku protagonist in his previous life who had no luck with women. When I woke up, I found that I had traveled through time and became a baby, surrounded by splendor and splendor. Countless eunuchs and maidens were serving me. All the Ren and Du meridians in my body were opened, all filled with pure innate Qi. In my mind, endless images of the Art of Longevity, God of War, Nine Yins, Nine Yangs, etc. appeared in my mind. Secret book, suddenly a heroic man came up, the eunuchs around him hurriedly saluted, their voices could not be heard clearly, they could only hear the word "嫪"

9. Thousand-year-old otaku+virgin woke up and found you sitting tall in fine clothes. The chief of the banquet, with soldiers standing behind you, and Mei Ji beside you, is adding food and wine to you. You are thinking silently in your mind, having memorized countless recipes such as gunpowder, glass, cement, stirrups, etc. When you are proud, the next person who looks like a prince is pointing at a cup. The cook who came over with the food tray said to you, "Your Majesty, this sweet and sour carp dish is made by this famous chef. It should suit your taste." You were attracted by the delicious food and when you moved your index finger, suddenly the chef's hand Reached into the belly of the fish. . .

10. The otaku traveled through time and found that he was gorgeously dressed, well versed in modern times and astronomy, and knowledgeable about geography. He was full of ambitions and preparing to show off his ambitions, when he suddenly heard the farmer woman selling vegetables in front of him say: "Cai Wu Xin" Of course you can’t live if you don’t have the heart.”

11. A certain otaku woke up and found that his medical skills were the best in the world. He was so satisfied that a small army outside the door came to report: The Prime Minister has a headache. If you are interested, sir, please take a look.

12. A certain man woke up and found that he had become a woman

Pear blossoms were snuggling in the arms of an extremely beautiful man in the rain

But look That man had an unparalleled and extraordinary demeanor, and his eyes were full of love

I couldn't help but be intoxicated, thinking that even if I turned into a woman and was held by such a man, I would have no regrets

So She closed her eyes and listened to the wheels rolling by her ears,

feeling the man's generous hands stroking her hair

It was so beautiful when she saw the man leaning close to her ear He said softly:

"You have to take into account the overall situation, you have to take into account the overall situation..."

13. A certain otaku woke up and found that he was drinking and talking at a banquet, watching a group of beauties dancing. Happily, a man with a mustache asked: An Le Gong, do you think about Shu

(1) From March to May 2010, a new round of H1N1 variants broke out around the world. When the secret death toll was higher, Many times, countries only officially confirm the news through the media so as not to cause social panic beforehand. By the end of May, at least 30,000 people will die from H1N1 around the world, with the United States and Canada being the worst affected, followed by China.

(2) From March to September 2010, approximately a quarter of China will experience drought for half a year, mainly concentrated in the southwest. The most severe drought will occur in Yunnan Province in June. Drought will kill about 10,000 people in China.

(3) In May 2010, the global icebergs will melt one after another, which will lead to rising sea levels in some areas including South America and Asia. Japan and Shanghai will bear the brunt.

(4) In June 2010, Katla volcano will erupt on a large scale after Eyjafjallaj?kull. The floods caused by this will kill 30,000 people and make 100,000 people homeless. The raised volcanic ash affects Iceland and even cities along the Atlantic coast. One year later, 20,000 people will die from respiratory diseases.

(5) From September to October 2010, high temperatures continued in many regions around the world, with the highest temperatures recorded in Africa at 42.6 degrees and in Shanghai at 41.2 degrees, exceeding historical levels.

(6) At the end of 2010, a new round of financial crisis broke out around the world, and public opinion was caused by the construction of Noah's Ark. Rumor has it that the real place of construction is not in China, but in Russia. However, in addition to Shanghai, China has also secretly established shelters in various places. Among them, Lhasa will have a large number of planes coming in and out, and public opinion will turn the construction site of the Ark to Lhasa.

(7) In February 2011, the Global Twenty Summit will be held to discuss responses to the financial crisis. At least 200 super-rich people from around the world will participate. The summit will be held in San Francisco, USA. The final agreement is that on the one hand, the government will lower bank interest rates, and on the other hand, it will ensure the construction of the Promise Ark. As a result, Russia, the United States, China, and other countries will gradually occupy a dominant financial position in the future, while Canada, Japan and other countries gradually become developing countries.

(8) In March 2011, a major earthquake occurred in Los Angeles, USA, with a magnitude of 9.2, and the death toll soared to 180,000. Less than half a month later, another earthquake occurred in Tangshan, with a magnitude of 8.7. The death toll is 110,000, and experts say the world will enter a period of active crustal activity.

(9) After May 2011, large and small earthquakes and volcanic eruptions have occurred in various countries and regions. Among them, Mount Fuji in Japan will have a major volcanic eruption in August. Lava will flood half of the city of Osaka, causing at least 160,000 people died and went missing.

(10) In September 2011, geographical experts said that the Earth’s magnetic field was rapidly weakening, and solar particle bursts invaded the Earth’s magnetic field in November. During this period, many aircraft crashes and underwater submarine collisions occurred in various countries. event.

(11) In December 2011, the world's most famous alien incident will occur. The SS1 star formation arrived at Area 51 in the United States to discuss global disaster response events. The President of the United States and the Secretary of Defense attended the meeting secretly. , the United Nations later asked the United States to release the video of the negotiations.

(12) In February 2012, experts from the International Astronomical Observatory discovered that an asteroid 300 million light-years away from the Earth was invading the solar system, with a volume one-third the size of the Earth. It was predicted that between November and December Will hit the earth, experts around the world discuss response strategies.

(13) In March 2012, a super earthquake occurred in the Philippines with a magnitude record of 9.8. China, Taiwan, and Japan were affected. Together with the resulting tsunami, it caused 500,000 deaths and 1 million deaths. Thousands of people are homeless.

(14) In April 2012, the United Nations officially announced that the world had entered a period of disaster. In May, geographical experts discovered that the earth’s magnetic field had completely exchanged poles, and that time and space intertwined in many regions. Some people from the future appeared and told modern people A catastrophe occurred on the earth in the early morning of December 22, 2012. He himself was a survivor at that time and came from 2025.

(15) In June 2012, it was discovered that the Bermuda Triangle and crop circles were the result of the time and space shift of the earth’s local zero magnetic field. The crop circles were the work of aliens, including massacres. The cow incident is also the result of aliens using it to study human genes.

(16) In July 2012, the United Nations announced that Noah's Ark was successfully built. Russia has three and China has two. Each can accommodate 1 million people and can withstand tsunamis, earthquakes, and volcanic lava. At the end of July, Area 51 in the United States used alien power to build three space superships, each of which can accommodate 600,000 people. It is said that by then humans will be able to fly to any planet in the solar system to survive.

(17) In August 2012, the United Nations officially announced that the end of the world would come within the next five months, and began to select specific personnel to board Noah's Ark and super spacecraft, including heads of state and the country's best experts in various fields. Talents and deep blue blood personnel will be included in the selection, and tickets will be sold publicly. Noah's Ark tickets are 2 billion euros, and super spaceship tickets are 3 billion euros.

(18) In September 2012, astronomers predicted that the asteroid would hit the earth three months later. It was predicted that it would hit the Atlantic Ocean, and the tsunami it would cause would affect half of the earth. No one is immune.

(19) At the end of September 2012, a 10.5-magnitude earthquake occurred in Chicago, USA, killing 1 million people in the United States. The earthquake spread to Canada and other countries. 300,000 people died in Canada and 170,000 people died in Mexico. The Caribbean tsunami caused numerous casualties in neighboring countries such as Cuba and Alaska.

(20) In October 2012, solar storms raged again, causing power grid paralysis and power outages in large areas of Asia, South America and other regions. Since then, half of the countries on the earth have entered the dark age. Experts predict that the next strongest solar storm will hit the earth at the end of December, when the global power grid will be completely paralyzed. From October to December, the number of people who will die due to solar radiation will soar to 100 million.

(21) In November 2012, the world population was 3.7 billion. The population has been experiencing negative growth since August 2010. In the past three years, the population has decreased by 3 billion.

(22) In early December 2012, tickets for the Ark and the super spaceship were sold out. The estimated number of people boarding the ship from various countries was: 1 million from China, 950,000 from Russia, 1.5 million from the United States, and 200,000 from Japan. The estimated number of people boarding the super spaceship The number of people boarding the ship was 800,000 from the United States, 500,000 from China, 200,000 from Russia, and relatively few from other countries. This will ensure that humans and species can continue to reproduce after the end of the world. Boarding time is from December 15th to December 20th.

(23) On December 5th, December 12th, and December 13th, super earthquakes occurred in the United States, China, and Japan one after another. The earthquakes affected neighboring countries, and many cities were in ruins. Almost all the countries affected by the main earthquake Paralysis, the entire earth is on the verge of destruction. Super volcanoes occurred in Mexico and Iceland from December 7 to 20 respectively, and many cities were submerged in lava.

(24) As of December 20, five Arks are on standby, and three spacecraft have already flown to Mars. At 17:11 pm on December 21st, U.S. time, the strongest solar storm broke out. The sweeping solar wind sprayed solar lava towards the earth. In an instant, Africa, South America, Asia, Europe and other places were a sea of ????fire. The disaster caused 15 people who were not on board the ship. 100 million people died. At 11:36 pm, US time, an asteroid hit the earth. The impact site was in the eastern part of the Atlantic Ocean. The resulting tsunami spread to half of the earth. The disaster once again killed 1.8 billion people who did not board the ship.

(25) From December 21st to the early morning of December 22nd, mankind has been struggling in a sea of ??fire, lava and tsunamis. The sky has become dark and gray, with fire flashing everywhere in the sky, the atmosphere has been damaged, and the air The composition changes and will be replaced by carbon dioxide and hydrogen. The remaining humans who have not boarded the ship will all suffocate to death.

(26) At 04:00 in the morning on December 22, a large number of alien spacecraft suddenly intervened. There were large and small alien spacecraft everywhere in the sky, shining with colorful light, which was said to come from the Milky Way Galaxy. A formation of hundreds of planets. Their purpose of coming is just to clean up the mess. They took out all the humans in the Ark. However, after ensuring that humans continue to reproduce, the earth will enter the era of alien rule. From December 22, humans will begin a new era, but Dominated by alien life and entering a civilization that has nothing to do with the past, the sun will no longer be able to illuminate the earth. Light and energy will be supplied by the alien universe, which can transform the light sources and energy of other galaxies for the earth to use. In the next 30 years, people on earth will slowly die, and eventually, the earth will become the territory of aliens from the Milky Way.