What is the funniest joke in the world? Give play to everyone's ability to tell jokes

My jokes are the most classic in previous years.

Major religions

After hearing about new york, the Bishop is likely to be dragged into a preset trap by the media, so be extra careful. at the airport

As soon as we met, a reporter asked, "Do you want to go to a nightclub?" Bishop want to seize this problem, just smiled and asked:

"Is there a nightclub in new york?" The next morning, the headline of the meeting news published in the newspaper was: "Bishop!" "

The first question after getting off the plane:' Is there a nightclub in new york?' "

kidnap

A gangster hijacked the plane with a pack of explosives. The plane ran out of fuel during the flight and had to go to crash landing.

The captain said to the hijacker, "Throw the explosives out of the plane quickly, there will be violent vibration and explosion when landing."

The hijacker shouted, "Cut the crap! I haven't heard that canned sardines will explode. "

Let's get started.

NASA is interviewing talents who will be sent to Venus. Only one person can go and may never return to earth.

The first applicant is an engineer. He was asked how much he hoped to get paid. "One million," he replied, "I want to donate money to my alma mater."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question, and his request was 2 million. "I want to leave one million for my family and one million as a medical research fund."

When the third applicant was asked how much money he wanted (English teacher), he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "3 million."

"Why so much more than others?" The interviewer asked. The teacher replied, "If you give me 3 million yuan, I will give you/kloc-0.0 million yuan, and you keep/kloc-0.0 million yuan, we can send engineers to Venus."

Drunkard chat

Two Irish people are sitting in a bar drinking.

One of them asked the other, "Where are you from?"

The other replied, "I am here now, Dublin, but I was born in Cork." "

"Are you kidding? I was born in cork county,

Now in Dublin ... let's have another drink!

Where were you born in cork county? "

The other replied, "I was born in my mother's house.

There is a small river in front of the door, flowing from the south of Sac village. "

"God bless," the first man shouted. "Can you believe it? I was born in my mother's house,

Not far from Sack village. For our intimacy, come, let's have another drink.

So which school are you going to? "

"I go to the Notre Dame Passion School in town," replied another.

At this time, the first person was too excited to help himself. He shouted, "My God,

It's incredible. I also went to that school. What a small world.

Boss, give us each another drink. "

At this moment, the phone in the bar rang, and the boss answered the phone: "Crane." ....

Oh, there's nothing new tonight, except that the O 'Hara twins drank too much again. "

Guess coins

Locke said to his friend, "I really don't know what the hospital is like." After I was admitted to the hospital, a doctor said I was.

Appendicitis, the other said I had gallstones. ""What was the result? "the friend asked." They argued endlessly,

Meet each other Guess the coin verdict finally cut my tonsils. "

-

It's hard to get

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability to put me in prison for only half a year,

Then you will get an extra $65,438+0,000 yuan. "As a result, the defendant finally got his wish.

While collecting money, the teacher said, "This is really a chore. The judges had hoped to be acquitted. "

tip

A young man asked the waiter in the hotel, "How much did you tip at most?" "100 USD."

The young master immediately took out $200 and handed it to the waiter: "Next time someone asks you who gives the most tips,

Don't forget to mention my name. By the way, who gave you 100 dollars? "You too, sir. "

speed

An American is traveling in France. One day, a taxi passed the Arc de Triomphe, and the American asked the driver:

"What is this?" The driver proudly said, "This is the Arc de Triomphe. It took us 40 years to build it. "

Americans disdain to say, "This kind of thing in America only takes 10 years!" Through eliezer Palace,

The American asked the driver, "What is this?" The driver proudly said, "This is the Elysee Palace. We used it. "

It took 20 years to build. "Americans said contemptuously," this kind of thing in the United States as long as five years! "

Passing the Eiffel Tower, the American asked the driver, "What is this?" The driver said, "I don't know this.

/kloc-There was nothing here when we passed here 0/0 minutes ago. "

Postpartum death

A gambler took 1000 francs from home to gamble. A few hours later, he came back. His wife quickly asked, "That big ticket?"

Do you have children? "

"Yes, yes," said the gambler sadly, taking out two ten-franc notes from his pocket. "Unfortunately, they

Our mother passed away. "

have a conversation

Time:

65438+ 10 0996.

Location: In the waters of Newfoundland, Canada.

Event: US Navy talks with Canadians.

American: To avoid collision, please change your course to north latitude 15 degrees.

Canadian (gentle tone): I suggest you change your course to south latitude 15 degrees to avoid collision.

American (strong tone): This is the captain of an American warship talking. I repeat, change your course.

Canadian: I repeat, change your course.

American (angry): This is the Missouri, and we are powerful warships of the US Navy. I command you.

Now change your route!

Canadian (firmly): This is a lighthouse. We can't change course! Please answer ... Do you hear me? Hey hey,

Hey, hey, ... (dialogue disappears).

out of luck

Miss Jenny was on the night shift when she saw a man coming towards her with open hands. "Rogue!" Miss Jenny

Scold, a kick to the man's abdomen. With a bang, the man shouted, "Oh, my God! third

A piece of glass still can't be taken home! "

-

cry

An elephant died in the zoo, and a keeper was crying. The tourist said,

He must like this elephant very much on weekdays, so he can't bear to die.

An insider said, "No, he is responsible for digging graves for elephants."

-

God bless (you)

The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse can only understand the language of the church: thank God."

It ran and shouted "Praise God" before it stopped. "The farmer who bought the horse was dubious. He tried to let out a" feeling "cry.

Thank God, "the horse ran faster and faster at once. Unexpectedly, he ran to the edge of the cliff and frightened the farmers.

Dave remembered the password "Praise God" to stop it. Sure enough, the horse stopped and the surviving farmer grew.

A deep sigh: "Thank God ..."

slow

Once upon a time, a farmer broke his leg and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked him how he broke his leg. He said:

"Twenty-five years ago, I worked as a long-term worker in a rich man's house. One night, the only daughter of the rich man

Come to me and ask me,' What can I do for you?' I replied, "No." She said

Ask again:' Do you really don't need me?' I said,' I really don't need it. Then she left. "

The doctor asked, "So, what does this have to do with your broken leg?" The farmer said, "When was it yesterday?"

I was repairing the roof on the roof when I suddenly understood what she meant. "

-

Soviet jokes

In the Kremlin, Brezhnev picked up the phone and called the Egyptian presidential palace: "I am Brezhnev, I am."

I want to speak to President Sadat's widow! "

"Widow? President Sadat has been alive? " A surprised voice came from the other end of the phone.

Old Bob put the phone down and shouted at the KGB leader beside him, "Bastard! Why put the original action time

Delayed? "

Soviet jokes

That was when Gorbachev became general secretary. It's too much to go out for personal reasons one day.

The driver drove too slowly and urged him several times. But because of the heavy traffic, it still can't satisfy him.

Finally Gorbachev grabbed the steering wheel, pushed the driver to the back and drove himself.

He rampaged all the way, causing chaos. Someone called to report to the traffic director. The director was angry,

Questioning the traffic police who changed their positions.

Director: "Did you see the perpetrator?"

Policeman: "Yes."

Secretary: "Why don't you arrest him?"

Policeman: "I dare not?"

Secretary: "Why?"

Policeman: "He is a big official."

Secretary: "How big is it?"

Policeman: "I don't know. Gorbachev is his driver anyway."

pastor

A young priest asked the old priest, "How can we attract the attention of parishioners?"

The old priest replied, "You can say,' The happiest time in my life was spent in a woman's arms.' "

The young priest looked at the old priest in surprise.

The old priest proudly said, "Then you say,' She is my mother.' "

The young priest thought it was a good move. In a week, he said to people, "The happiest time in my life is.

Spend it in a woman's arms. "Everyone looked at him in surprise. He was so proud that he forgot the lyrics.

Then he said, "... but ... I can't remember who she is. "

A healthy donkey

Aragon rode his beloved donkey to the city, and his good friend drove by.

Ask him to sit in the car, and the donkey will follow the car, and the car will drive to 30 km/h.

The donkey followed closely, and soon the speed reached 60 kilometers per hour.

The friend asked anxiously, "I'm afraid your donkey is going to die." Its tongue is sticking out. "

"which direction does it extend?"

"To the left."

"Keep the direction, it's time to overtake."

plot sth unlawful

"Because more and more women advocate new simple clothes, such as miniskirts and overalls.

Put on shorts, "a wife is watching a news in the newspaper with relish," so the street.

According to statistics, traffic accidents have been reduced by half. "

At this time, the husband watching TV next to him suddenly inserted:

"Then why don't you try to put an end to traffic accidents completely?"

Children's parents

During his visit to Britain, Clinton had dinner with Margaret Thatcher, Jeffrey Howe and others. In order to enliven the atmosphere, Mrs. Thatcher

Ask Jeffrey Howe: "Your parents have a child, who is neither your brother nor your sister. He or she is. "

Who is it? "Hao smiled and replied," It's me, Hao. " Clinton thought it was very interesting. When he returned to the White House, he asked Chris

Topher asked, "Your parents have a child, neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it? " Christopher

Can't answer. Clinton smiled smugly: "Yes, that's it."

threaten

The postman was very unhappy because he had to row a boat to send a birthday card to the lighthouse keeper.

"If you mumble again," said the tower keeper, "I will subscribe to the daily newspaper".

~~~~~~

Traffic broadcast

The latest news: "A pig was found in the driveway of 1!"

An hour later: "There are no pigs on the 1 road."

order

It is said that the command transmission of the US military in 19 10 was like this:

Battalion commander to officer on duty: At about 8 o'clock tomorrow night, Halley's Comet will probably be seen around here.

Comets can only be seen once every 76 years. Order all the soldiers to assemble in the playground in field clothes, and I will explain to them.

Explain this rare phenomenon. If it rains, meet in the auditorium, and I will show them a movie about comets.

The officer on duty told the company commander that according to the order of the battalion commander, Comet Halley will appear over the playground at 8 o'clock tomorrow night. if

If it rains, it is rare for soldiers to March to the auditorium in field uniforms.

Company commander to platoon leader: According to the battalion commander's order, the extraordinary Halley's Comet will be in the auditorium at 8 o'clock tomorrow night.

It rained on the playground, and the battalion commander gave an order again, which only appeared once in 76 years.

The platoon leader said to the squad leader: At 8 o'clock tomorrow, the battalion commander will appear in the auditorium with Halley's comet, which was only in 76 years.

Yes If it rains, the battalion commander will order the comet to put on the field suit and go to the playground.

The monitor said to the soldiers: When it rains at 8 o'clock tomorrow night, the famous 76-year-old General Harley will be accompanied by the battalion commander.

He wore a field suit and drove his comet car across the playground to the auditorium.

Order error

At a diplomat's dinner, a French diplomat who had just arrived in the United States was a little embarrassed because everyone wanted to.

Stand up and say a few words, but his English is really poor. First of all, a distinguished guest said, "Let's drink to the women in the Old Hemisphere.

A glass of wine. "Later, someone proposed a toast to women in the western hemisphere. When it was the French diplomat's turn to speak, he stood up and said

Ladies and gentlemen, let's drink to the two hemispheres of women.

Trying to save a little, but losing a lot.

When the conductor cut the ticket, he found that a Scottish adult used a child ticket, and Sue

Glen insisted, so the ticket inspector picked up the passenger's suitcase and threw it out of the car.

At this moment, the train is crossing the bridge. "You are crazy!" Cried the Scotsman. "You?

There is something wrong with my ticket, and I drowned my brother again! "

The stewardess handed the priest a glass of wine on the plane.

"How high is it from the ground now?" Asked the priest.

"20 thousand feet"

I think I'd better not drink ... because it's too close to our headquarters

Scared the reporter to death

One year during the "Cultural Revolution", an old reporter, a man, just returned to the newspaper office from the cadre school. The new leader ordered him to interview.

Boluo county at that time was a typical example of "applying what you have learned". He tried his best to continue on his way,

It's easy to find this role.

"Where are you from?"

"We come from all corners of the country and come together for a common revolutionary goal."

Pepe, the pacesetter, replied that the reporter didn't get to the point, so he had to ask again, "How is your life now?"

"Worry about the world first, and enjoy the world later."

The reporter was dumbfounded and unwilling. He asked, "How many brothers are there in your family?"

"People who suffer all over the world are my class brothers."

The reporter fled. "

golf

An old but still energetic golfer went to the guide and asked if there was a golf course in heaven. The wizard said he would check it out and give him an answer the next day.

The next day, the old man came again. The wizard said, "I got good news and bad news." The old man said, "Tell me the good news first." "There are wide golf courses in heaven," said the wizard. "This stadium is covered with green lawn and equipped with the best equipment."

Try asking, "Now tell me the bad news." The wizard said, "It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning!" " "

The power of the toilet

1in the summer of 944, Britain was attacked by air, and a hotel-style apartment was hit by a shell, and the smoke cleared away. Grandpa was found missing. Hearing the laughter from the ruins, the rescue team dug up his grandpa who was giggling unscathed from the broken bricks and tiles in the toilet and asked him why. The old man replied, "As soon as I pulled the toilet, the house fell down."

Good question

Someone asked the doctor, "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?"

"First, stop drinking." "I never drink."

"Second, abstain from color." "I don't like women at all."

"Third, eat less meat." "I am a vegetarian!"

"Then why did you live so long?"

Medical/medical records

The new dean of the madhouse walked up to a patient and asked him why he was in the madhouse. The patient asked, "doctor, it's like this." I married a widow with an adult daughter, and my father married her daughter. So my wife became her father-in-law's mother-in-law and her daughter became my stepdaughter and stepmother. My stepmother gave birth to a son, who became the grandson of my brother and my wife. I also have a son who became his grandfather's brother-in-law and his uncle's uncle. On the other hand, when a father mentions his grandson, he says he is a brother-in-law, and his son is called his sister and grandmother. Now I think I am my mother's father, my grandson's brother, my wife is his son-in-law's daughter-in-law and his grandson's sister. Now I don't know if I am my grandfather, my brother's father or my son's nephew, because my son is my father's brother-in-law. Dean, that's why I'm here. I think it is quieter here than at home. "

Nothing new.

A busy man with money is going to travel abroad for six weeks. Before he left, he ordered

His servant, don't bother him with any news from home. When he came back from his trip,

He was full of energy and very happy. His servant met him at the station. "Oh, Henry,"

He asked, "Is everything all right at home?"

"Yes, sir," replied the servant.

"There is only one small thing. Not long ago, your dog died."

"Unfortunately, how did you die?"

"It ate the burnt beef and then died."

"Where did it eat the burnt beef?"

"Your barn caught fire, and all the cattle and horses were burned to death."

"How can the barn catch fire?"

"A fire broke out in your house, which led to the barn."

"What happened to my family?"

"They lit a lot of candles in the house, and one candle burned the screen window.

Screen windows set fire to windows, barns and horses.

The dog ate dead beef, so it died. "

"Why do you light so many candles in a house with gas and electric lights?"

"Sir, they lit candles around the coffin."

"Coffin, who died?"

"Your mother-in-law, sir."

"How did she die?"

"I don't know, the neighbor said, that's because your wife ran away with the driver.

The old lady was furious-but beyond that, there was really no news! "

Excessive diligence

A rich man gave a concert in his villa, and all his friends and acquaintances were here. woman

The host asked the famous tenor to sing a lyric song. "I'd love to," Song Dao said.

The singer said, "But it's too late. I'm afraid your neighbors will say that we have affected their retirement. "

Rest. ""that's better! " The hostess cried excitedly, "They deserve it. last night

In fact, their dog howled under my window and wouldn't let us sleep ... "

study

On a crowded bus in Moscow, a standing person patted another person.

The man's shoulder, and then whispered, "Are you a KGB member?" "No."

"Is anyone in your family a KGB member?" "no"

"Where are your neighbors?" "None."

"What about your acquaintances or friends?" "No one I know is a KGB member."

"Then, please don't step on my foot, ok?" The first person said.

Mental hospital

The new nurse in the mental hospital, this lady is new here, seeing patients around the hospital.

An ancient well whirled around and said, "13, 13, ..." The little nurse was quite surprised.

I can't figure out what this "13" means, and the same is true for continuous observation for several days. She always wants to stand up and ask

After all, I have been afraid of the patient's attack.

One day, the little nurse finally lost her curiosity and walked slowly to the patient.

The probe looked into the well. Suddenly the patient stopped the nurse's leg, picked her up and threw her out.

I went into the well, and then I ran to the well and said, "14, 14, ..."

Tell a secret

Woman A: "She told me that you told her the secret that I told you you wouldn't tell her."

Woman B: "Oh, I specifically asked her not to tell you that I told her."

Woman A: "God, don't tell her what she told me. I told you."

false alarm

Mrs. Chris took her two sons to the bank to withdraw money. As soon as they entered the bank, the two sons started fighting.

Let's go Mrs. Chris was very angry and shouted, "stand facing the wall and don't talk!"

"When she turned around, she found that everyone in the bank had their backs to the wall and didn't dare to make any noise.

Father and God

Little Peter proudly said to his friend, "My uncle is a priest and everyone calls him."

Dear father. "Little Paul said," My uncle is a bishop, and everyone who talks to him calls him your Excellency.

"Little Raemakers didn't believe it." What's the big deal? My uncle's weight 150g.

Kim, when everyone saw him, they all shouted, Oh dear! Oh, my God!

What is missing?

The architect built a mausoleum for the rich businessman. The rich businessman asked the architect who had been busy for a year, "Maybe."

What is missing? "The architect said," now we need you. "

same

A customer picked out a pigskin coat and said, "I like this fur coat, but is it afraid of water?"

The salesman explained, "Of course not! Have you ever seen a pig with an umbrella? "

change

The messenger who was very dissatisfied with the customer said, "Why doesn't your crab have claws?" manufacture

The visitor proudly said, "This shows that the crab is alive, which is the result of its struggle in the kitchen just now."

Customer: "well, please replace me with a winner who just fought."

After arriving at the robber

Mr. Wang and one of his stingy friends are shopping in the shop. Suddenly, there were two.

Robbers broke into houses and robbed. When the robber began to search the customers' pockets one by one, A suddenly felt that he

His friend poked him gently and whispered, "Take this." "Don't give me a pistol, I can.

Don't want to be a hero. ""Take it. Here's the twenty-five dollars I owe you. "

Special interest notebook

The ornithologist walked into the patent registry. "I have successfully mated homing pigeons with woodpeckers."

He explained. "The hybrid birds produced can not only deliver letters, but also knock on the door!"

As widely advertised.

A dairy merchant posted this advertisement: "If you spend 1200 months every day.

Drink a glass of milk and you will live to be 100 years old! "

Never eat people.

The acrobatic troupe on the streets of London performed a program: "The Hungry Man in the Box."

The reporter interviewed the hunger strike man and asked, "Why do you want to play this program?" that person

Answer: "this is also to make a living!" "

In a dilemma.

A farmer was feeding pigs when someone asked him, "What do you feed pigs with?" Farmers' association

Answer: "Use leftovers and unwanted vegetable skins." The man said, "I'm a public health inspector."

Inspector, it is illegal for you to feed malnourished animals to the public. You will be punished.

100 yuan! A few days later, another well-dressed man came and asked the farmer, "What a fat pig!" "

Ah, what do you feed them? "The farmer said," shark's fin, chicken liver, seafood.

Class. Hearing this, the man said, "I am an inspector of the International Food Association. There are three in the world.

A person is starving. I can't stand you feeding pigs such good food. You will be fined 100 yuan.

! "A few days later, the third person came, and like the first two people, leaned against the pigsty and asked.

"What do you feed the pigs?" "Sir," the farmer said this time, "now, I send it every day.

Give them a dollar and buy whatever they like! "

Sell goods directly to consumers without intermediate links.

A vacuum cleaner direct seller came to the first place in a new sales series.

In front of a family. He knocked at the door and a housewife opened it. Before her.

Before he could say the first sentence, the direct seller rushed in and scattered the debris all over the floor.

It's all over the carpet. He said, "Ma 'am, if this vacuum cleaner can't get dirty things,

It was all sucked up, so I picked it up and ate it. "she said," you

Do you want some ketchup? We just moved here, and there is no electricity yet. "

Have another drink.

A customer is having lunch in the restaurant. He ordered a steak. When he was about to finish eating, he suddenly found out.

There is a fly in the steak. He angrily called the waiter and asked what was going on. The waiter took his time.

Binbin said rationally, "Sir, you won the prize in this restaurant again."

Elephant sandwich

The customs officer stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you haven't?"

"Of course."

"What about the elephant with a piece of bread in your ear behind you?"

"Sir, what I put in the sandwich is entirely my own business!"

answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain the flies in my soup?"

The waiter bent down to look at it carefully and replied, "it's swimming, sir." It's swimming. "

Begging and complaining

A kind-hearted man often gives money to beggars near his home. One day, the beggar said to him, "Sir,

I want to ask you a question. Two years ago, you gave me ten dollars at a time, but last year it was reduced to five dollars, and now.

In, there was only one piece left. What is the reason? The man replied, "I was a bachelor two years ago." Let's go

I got married in 2008 and have a new child at home this year. For the sake of my family, I must save my own expenses. "

Hearing this, the beggar said angrily, "How can you support your family with my money?"

Then go to see a doctor

Bill knows that it costs three yuan to see a doctor for the first time and one yuan for the second time.

So he went into the clinic and said to the doctor, "I'm here again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time."

interview

The manager wants to find a secretary. He asked the candidates to be tested by psychologists, and finally only three people were left.

"What's two plus two?" The psychiatrist asked the last question.

"4。" The first lady replied.

"22。" The second lady replied.

"It may be four or 22." The third lady replied.

After they walked out of the office, the psychologist said, "Mr. Manager, judging from the answer, the first person is very simple, the first one."

Two people are much more complicated, and the third person is very sophisticated. I wonder which one you are satisfied with? "

"Smart Chief"

A chief has a hobby of listening to stories. One day, he entertained his guests. At his repeated request, a foreign guest

I told a very interesting story:

The guest met a very pretentious person in the city. The guest said to him, "Please guess in my pocket."

What did you put in? If you guess right, I will give you half of these eggs; If you can guess the eggs.

Count them and I'll give you all ten eggs. "

The man thought for a long time and said, "friend, although I am not stupid, I can't know everything." I can't guess. "

The guest said, "Guess again, this thing is white outside and yellow inside."

"I guessed it!" The man said loudly, "It must be a pile of white radishes with a potato hidden in the middle."

Hearing this, the guests all laughed, and the chief laughed even more. Finally he asked:

"That's a fool. Dear friend, now please tell us what's in your pocket? "

hit the jackpot

French soldiers stationed in the African desert received a reward order from their superiors: if they caught an Arab guerrilla, they would get 120 gold.

Michelle and Yuri began to search for prey in the desert. After several days of hard work, they fell asleep exhausted.

When Michelle woke up, she found that they were surrounded by 100 Arab guerrillas with guns. He quickly woke Yuri and said:

"Get up, we are rich!"

Talk more.

The police met the1000th passing car in a newly opened tunnel and presented it to the driver on behalf of the municipal authorities.

Yuan's lucky bonus and a medal. He asked, by the way:

"What are you going to do with this money?"

"First of all, I want to get a driver's license," the driver replied.

His wife quickly explained, "officer, my husband always talks nonsense after drinking."

His deaf mother added, "Look, I knew you couldn't steal a car!" " "

complain

The police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and announced the order to the prisoner with a raincoat.

The man said in surprise, "it's raining so hard that you have to go to the execution ground!" ? "The police officer said," What do you have to hug? "

Complain, I have to come back in the rain! "

The French like to laugh at the short history of the United States, saying: Americans recall the history of their families,

I always think of my grandfather's generation, but I can't. The American replied: when the French think

When I ask this question, I often feel confused about who his father is.

A customer shouted angrily to a busy hotel waiter, "What's going on? Isn't it?

See that one leg of this chicken is shorter than the other? "

"What's the matter?" The waiter replied, "Do you want to eat it or dance with it?"