In a bad mood! ! Everybody tell me some jokes.

1. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! ! !

Late one night, when a young woman passed by a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

There is a madhouse. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered. Ask the nurse to draw a door on the wall. I saw all the patients crashing into the wall crazily. The dean was disappointed. Suddenly he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and ran to ask him, "don't you want to go out with them?" The patient replied, "these idiots, I have the key here!" " "

5. In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "Where is my novel?" "Yes, there are just too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

6. Some people are good at using laptops. I heard my friend say that the mouse is better than the trackball, so I borrowed one from my friend and tried it at home. Because it was meaningless, he electrocuted his friend. A mouse is more difficult to use than a trackball. It took a long time to move a little, and the buttons were behind, which was very inconvenient. ...

7. A warship is sailing at sea. One night, a sailor suddenly noticed a little light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain, "Tell the captain that there is a ship coming towards us not far away. If we don't change our course, we will hit it! " 」

Hearing this, the captain immediately shouted "Whoo! This is the captain, please move your ship and channel to the east immediately 10 degrees! The other party replied: "Hoo hoo! Please move west 10 degrees! Captain: I am a warship. Don't you dare ask me to move! " The other party immediately said, "Take the exam! I am a lighthouse. Why don't you fight if you can? 」

8. Spiders and bees are engaged. The spider felt very dissatisfied and asked her mother, "Why should I marry a bee?" "The spider's mother said," Bees are a little noisy, but at least they are stewardesses. The bee was also very dissatisfied, so she asked her mother, "why should I marry a spider?" "Mother bee said," Spiders are ugly, but people are at least engaged in the Internet. "

Spiders and bees were very happy at first after they got married. The bee said: Oh, great, I can eat meat. The spider said, ah, yes, I can taste honey. Later, we always quarreled, and the bee said, if you don't go out all day, you will know how to get rid of your broken orchid!

Spider said: Go out for a walk all day, and all the cosmetics are gone!

Finally made up, but: bees always complain: you are too closed, always stay in your own network, can you get online and communicate with spiders outside? Spider sighed: well, you don't know, the company has restricted it and really can't access the external network.

9. American soldiers received a reward order from Bush: if an Iraqi soldier is caught, he will get100000 dollars! So Michelle and Yuri began to search near Baghdad. After several days of hard work, they were exhausted and fell asleep on the ground. When Michelle woke up, she found that they were surrounded by more than 500 armed Saddam Hussein and his guards. He quickly woke Yuri up and shouted, "Get up, we are rich!" " "

10. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her work as a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

1 1. An international student in the United States wants to take an international driver's license. Because I was so nervous during the exam, I saw the marking on the ground turn left. He asked uneasily, Turn left? The invigilator replied: Yes. So he turned right at once. I'm sorry he can only come next time.

12. If someone studies English hard, he will achieve something. One day, I accidentally bumped into a foreigner in the street and said, I'm sorry. Foreigners should say, I'm sorry, too After listening, someone said, I'm sorry, three people. The foreigner was puzzled and asked, What are you sorry for? Some people have no choice but to say, I'm sorry.