Collect jokes~~~win prizes! ! !

1: There was an ugly girl who could not get married, and she hoped to be abducted, and one day her dream finally came true

She was kidnapped after her dream came true. The kidnappers thought she was ugly and sent her back to her place of origin. The woman was determined not to get out of the car. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet and said, "Let's go." . I don’t want the car anymore! ! !

2 The spider loved the ant deeply, but was rejected when he expressed his love. The spider yelled: Why? Why all this? Ant timidly said: My mother said that those who stay online all day long are not good people!

3 I will build your happiness; I will make up for your confusion; I will satisfy your greed; I will make concessions to your willfulness; I am the only one who loves you, so who can give in? I am a professional pig farmer. (To be continued)

4 If you want to treat me to dinner, if you don’t meet my request, I will write your mobile phone number on the wall with two words in front: Applying for a certificate

5 Yesterday I had a dream, and the Lord said that one of my wishes could come true. I took out the globe and said, I want world peace! The Lord said it was too difficult! I took out your photo and said, make this person beautiful! The Lord was sweating profusely and said: Bring the globe and let me take a look again!

6Do you want to get rich? Do you want to be lucky? Do you want to be an official? Do you want to become famous overnight? Do you want to stay young forever? Do you want people all over the world to be crazy about you? ———————— Stop thinking nonsense, wash your feet and go to sleep!

7 It’s a rainy day, so wet, and your mood is so wet... Every night, you just stare blankly out of the cold window, watching dreamily. I walked over and said softly to you. You said: "Wangcai, go in, the person who delivers the bones won't come today."

8 This may be the last time I send you a text message. I'm hesitant to tell you that I have recently I’m going to the United States and all the procedures have been completed, but there’s nothing I can do about it, really! Bush said he couldn't deal with Saddam without me.

9 One day, I went to the zoo to see orangutans, and I vomited; another day, you went to the zoo to see orangutans, and the orangutans vomited! They are the same people, so why is the gap so big? (To be continued)

10. Monkey-hunting revelation: I lost a small hairy monkey. Characteristics: dirty and dirty, face full of runny nose, carrying a mobile phone, and reading short messages. Love the monkey after reading the text message, please reply to the owner quickly! The owner misses you so much!

11. I heard that you were abducted and trafficked, which really scared me. Although you are a child, you are harmless to society. A man is so bold that he dares to sell you. I'm really worried for him. It would be strange if he sells you!

12. I told my mother: I like you! After getting along with you for such a long time, I feel that I can't live without you. I want you to come to my house and accompany me every day! But my mother disagreed. She said: puppies are not allowed in the house!

13. I changed my job and now work in a bank, the one not far from you. Come to me when you have time. Go to the bank and shout my name, and I will know. That’s right! I changed my name because it was too vulgar. I called him Qiangjie first.

14. Yesterday, I saw on the Internet that the model of mobile phone you used emits extremely high radiation. I was shocked. Just when I was about to inform you, I saw that it does not work for people with IQs less than 50. I feel relieved about this. Don’t worry, just keep using it

15. Top-secret document of the 16th National Congress: In order to improve the quality of our population, the country has decided to eliminate a group of mentally retarded and ugly children with the appearance of Sun Guo. Hurry up. Pack your things and leave quietly! Don't thank me! be safe! (End)

Do you still remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students: "The first row counts!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly: "Count!" So, you turned around reluctantly and hugged the tree!

Latest news: The main transmission route of SARS is currency in circulation. For the health of you and your family, sort out all the cash in your home and seal it in plastic bags. I will collect it at your door for a small fee.

On the journey of our friendship, sometimes you can’t see me by your side. It’s not that I forgot you, let alone let you walk alone. It’s that I choose to walk behind you, when you don’t If I fall down, I'll run up... and step on it!

Shall we go on a date on Saturday? Please agree to my sincere request! Because I really want to walk on the beach with you and listen to the sound of the sea. I will take you to climb the highest stone on the beach and then... kick you down!

Yesterday, I dreamed of you. Really, the sky was so clear and quiet, the sun was so bright, and the sea was so vast. You were standing on the blue seaside, and I poked you with a stick. Hey, this little tortoise has a pretty hard shell.

My love is empty and my feelings are empty, and I am wandering in the street; my life is empty and my money is empty, and I am single and working hard; my work is empty and my career is empty, and I am going crazy thinking about it; my mobile phone is empty and I have no money to recharge, and life is not easy under pressure; in short All four elements are empty.

The moment I made up my mind and turned away, you cried helplessly behind me. The heart-rending pain made me instantly understand how much I love you. I turned around and hugged you: This pig is not for sale.

I saw you that day, in the supermarket! You quietly reached out to the barcode scanner and saw the screen display: Pig's trotters 8 yuan. You thought the machine was broken, but you turned your face over and looked at it. The screen showed pork head meat for 5 yuan!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly----Pig ! ! ! !

Are you lonely? If so, then go downstairs and buy a rope and a stick, tie the rope to the stick, and go to the top of the building to wave the stick when the wind blows. What will others ask you for? ? Just say: I have a convulsion. . .

Life is so tiring! Standing and thinking about falling asleep, I have to queue up to get on the bus, I suffer from unrequited love, eating has no flavor, drinking easily makes me drunk, I am very tired at work, I don’t know how to rob, I have to pay taxes to earn money, ugh————! Even sending a text message to Xiaozhu is charged!

It’s just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal. It’s just a dream, but it’s so real. You lower your head and say nothing, but I can’t calm down. I finally can’t help but say to you: Next time you fart, say it first!

One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

Dear user: Your phone bill is less than 0.1 yuan. Please hand over the phone bill within the next few days: sell your son, daughter, rice, sell iron, sell some blood, sell land, house, wife. cooperate! China Telecom

Valentine's Day Promotional Gift: Dear male customers, if you buy a set of Homecoming brand moisturizing underwear for your lover during Valentine's Day, you will get a free set of regular returns for your wife. Home brand colorful cotton underwear, and only the colorful cotton underwear and the full selling price are reflected on the credit card. Home Underwear Shop

I wrote your name in the sky and was taken away by the clouds. I wrote your name all over the mountain and was carried away by the wind.

I wrote your name all over the street, kao, I was taken away by the police

In Chinese class, the teacher asked a sleeping classmate to answer a question. The classmate was confused and couldn't say anything... the teacher said : "Can you do it? Why don't you squeak too!" The student said: "squeak"

Dear user, because most of your text messages are sent to the opposite sex, it has caused great harm to society. Bad influence, we have suspended your text message function. Please bring your own bench tomorrow and go to the nearest police station to learn about work style!

I dreamed about God yesterday and said that he could grant me a wish. I took out the globe. He said he wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult. Let's change it. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to become beautiful. He thought for a moment and said, take the globe and let me take a look.

You go! Find someone worthy of your love and love... I don’t know you and your feelings well enough. I know that some things cannot be forced and some distances cannot be crossed. Just like yesterday, I really can’t believe that you left with someone just for a bone

I can no longer think about what you want; I no longer have the style to dress; I can no longer have a relationship with anyone; I am no longer popular wherever I go; I can no longer keep up with Lenin when I think about problems; my heart stops even when I am fine. Pneumonia is no longer typical!

Monkey hunting notice: I lost a miscellaneous hairy monkey. Characteristics: dirty, snotty, face full of runny nose, has a mobile phone on me, and can read text messages. .Love monkey has read the text message, please reply to the master quickly! The master misses you so much now

6 met 9 and said: Just take two steps, why do you do handstands? 0 met 8 and said: If you are fat, You are fat, why should you wear a belt? 7 met 2 and said: Okay, don’t kneel down. I won’t marry you even if I kneel down again. 2 met 5 and said: I haven’t seen breast augmentation in a few days!

One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and approached him and said: I am Hong Tao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds!

Not every flower can represent love, but roses can; not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplars can; not every pig can read short messages, but you Did it. congratulations!

You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining; you are the moon in my dream, but it is covered by clouds; you are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it is a pity that it has bloomed; you are the sky Chang'e came to the world, but unfortunately she landed face first...

What's going on? I called your cell phone just now. After the ringtone, the cell phone prompted a voice saying: The other party is running naked, please wait and call again. I can't believe it! When I called again, it said: Sorry, the user you dialed has left the service area, please wait and call again.

In my eyes, you always look so carefree, you always eat with relish, and you always sleep soundly. . . I really envy you. Sometimes I think about it, being a pig is pretty good.

1 I’m giving you the heaviest poop gift since I’ve had poop. You will definitely eat a pound, and you will need more. If you feel that the poop volume is not enough, please help yourself!

2 Tips for self-testing vital capacity: After farting, lower your head and inhale sharply, and then observe whether the people around you smell any peculiar smell. If so, you need to strengthen your training according to this method; if not, it proves that you are a superman!

3 A man went shopping and needed to pee in a corner. When the old lady saw him, he said, "You will be fined 5 yuan for urinating in public." This person said: Who said that if I take out my urine and take a look at it, it won’t work?

4 A new overseas travel route - a seven-day tour of Afghanistan has been launched: live in a cave, learn bomb making and escape skills, and lucky ones will have the opportunity to take photos with Bin Laden

5 Love The payment is in arrears, the love has been shut down, and the fate is not in the service area. It is painful to think about it, and sad to think about it. When will the payment be made and the phone will be turned on again? Hengpi: Dreams come true

6 During the Water Splashing Festival, a person suddenly yelled: Who the hell is throwing water at me? People advise: Sprinkling you with water is a blessing to you. Scolder: Don't do this, who idiot poured boiling water on me

7 Instructions for jumping from a building: Go to the seventh floor happily, gasp to the sixth floor, struggle to the fifth floor, become disabled to the fourth floor, and be hospitalized to the third floor. Go to the second floor to see the scary things, and go to the first floor to watch the fun.

On the day of 8, you used a knife to chop a pig wildly. The pig fled into a dead end, and the pig knelt down and begged you for mercy: "We are born from the same root, so why rush to fry each other!"

< p>9 Warning: Due to overload use, your phone has undergone violent internal changes and is about to explode. Please throw your phone away in an empty place immediately after reading this prompt...

10 Please call 110 for free If you call, you will win a 15-day value-for-money tour with meals and accommodation, and a special car pick-up and drop-off will be arranged. The top ten will get a photo taken at the detention center and a fist and foot massage for thousands of people.

11 The four ideals of men: money is falling from the sky, and all the beautiful men in the world are dying. The beauty was so brainbroken that she cried and shouted for me to soak her.

12 Read this message, you owe me a hug; delete this message, you owe me a kiss; save this message, you owe me a date; if you reply, you owe me everything; if you don’t reply, you It’s mine

13 Congratulations on winning the grand prize. Please go to the People’s Bank of China with your saber, shotgun, and cannon at 10 o’clock tonight to claim it with your face covered.

14 Man Twenty is semi-finished product, thirty is finished product, forty is fine product, fifty is top grade, sixty is top grade, seventy is waste product, and eighty is souvenir.

15 When a horse is flirty, it jumps and jumps, when a donkey is flirty, it brays, when a man is flirty, it is cocked, when a woman is flirty, she wants to have sex, and the most flirtatious one is looking at the phone and laughing constantly.

16 A nun went to the hospital for a B-ultrasound, and a careless nurse gave her the test sheet of a pregnant woman. After reading it, the nun sighed and said: "These days, even carrots are unreliable."

17 A man is not bad, but a bit perverted; a man who is not coquettish is a idiot. If a man is not attentive, he definitely has nerves; if a man is not a gangster, his development is abnormal.

18 When everyone wakes up, I am drunk alone. The most precious thing is to have a clear understanding. I will never regret meeting true love, and I will only be with you in this life (the secret is in the fifth word of each sentence)

19 Urgent reminder: Look at your left side, and then look at your right side. Please be careful of a psychopath who has just slipped out. His characteristic is: looking around with his mobile phone.

The four major wishes of a 20-year-old girl: rich people come to the karaoke bar, countless tips, there is no AIDS in the world, and men ejaculate in two strokes.

The 21-year-old girl bought a banana, put it in her back pocket after getting on the bus, and reached back to grab it from time to time. After a while, a young man patted her on the shoulder: Miss, please let go, I'm getting off the car.

22 I wish you happiness every day, 365 days a year, happiness every moment for 8,760 hours, and wonderful moments every 5,256,000 minutes. , 31536000 seconds of happiness every second.

23 No matter it is sunny, cloudy or rainy, the day I can see you is a sunny day; whether it is yesterday, today or tomorrow, the day I can be with you is a beautiful day.

24 A woman blushes five times in her life: the first time; the first time with her husband; the first time with someone other than her husband; the first time she receives money; the first time she pays.

25 If there are only 10 minutes left in the world, I will recall the ups and downs we have gone through with you; if there are only 3 minutes left in the world, I will kiss you affectionately; if there are only 1 left in the world Minutes, I will say I love you 60 times.

26 I live like this every day: playing ball with Jordan, boxing with Tyson, playing chess with Weiping, chatting about scandals with Clinton, blowing up buildings with Bin Laden, and giving pig hair Sending text messages

27 If your mobile phone is not waterproof, be careful not to laugh so much that your saliva drools on the phone when reading text messages, otherwise it will break!

28 Guessing: Swan There are no birds flying around the lake, and there is no good way for a couple to walk together. The two trees are connected by the heart of the forest. If you have no intention, you will fly away first (type four words)... Answer: I miss you very much

29 Warning: Hello! Because your mobile phone has an ugly appearance and outdated style, which has seriously affected the city's appearance, we decided to send a signal to destroy the phone.

30.10% persistence + 10% missing + 10% jealousy + 10% suspicion + 10% sweetness + 10% distressed + 10% happiness + 10% jealousy + 10% blushing + 10% coquettishness = 100% love

31 Urgent Notice: Polygamy will be restored from now on. Men who are still monogamous after two weeks will be sentenced to fixed-term imprisonment of not less than six months and not more than three years, and fined heavily.

32 The lineup for a certain Japanese competition: the male contestants include Kamito Masao and One Night Five, and the female contestants include Umekawa Kuko and Mijun Tokuko. The referee is South Korean social and economic giant Park Sung-sung

33 During the Spring Festival, the train was very crowded, and a certain person took advantage of the stop to stick his butt out of the window to defecate. The inspector under the car noticed and shouted: The fat man holding a cigar, put his head back

34 The thief found that the safe was full of jelly, and he ate it all in a rage.

The newspaper published the headline news the next day: Yesterday the sperm bank was stolen and the sperm was ransacked...

35 Read the following words, and you will get a job with a monthly salary of 2,000,000. The test questions are as follows: 簟璁醭歙艽 绱癀穑魍恃偬偬彘媪钚鲁粁琰.

36 There is a kind of tacit understanding called heart-to-heart connection, a kind of feeling called wonderful, there is a kind of happiness called having you by your side, and there is a kind of longing called living like a year

37 Urgent reminder: Tomorrow at 9 am Maybe, there will be a tornado in the southeast of the city. It is expected that mobile phones, banknotes, gold coins and other money and objects will fall at that time. Please be prepared to make a fortune

38 A thunderous sound in the middle of the night woke Bush up and shouted: "Quick, Turn on the light!" The bodyguard lit the candle knowingly. Bush looked at the heavy rain outside the window, heaved a sigh of relief and said: "Afghanistan."

39 The best person to marry is Xiao Zhao, the best friend is Linghu Chong, the best man is Qiao Feng, and the best person to go out is Qiao Feng. Wei Xiaobao.

40 The steamed bun and the noodles had a fight, and the steamed bun was made to cry, so he went home and asked Hanamaki Baozi to take revenge. As a result, the instant noodles opened the door, and the steamed bun said: "You have burned your head, I recognize you too!"

41Someone said you were a stupid donkey. I criticized him seriously: That’s outrageous! You can't just tell someone what they look like

42 Hello, yesterday when I turned on my mobile phone and read text messages, I was shocked because I was wearing clothes and the clothes reacted with static electricity. I passed out all night; when you are watching, you must take off your clothes first to avoid being shocked!

43 A certain father and goddaughter: When someone assaults someone, they say no, but when they are violated, they say stop. One day, his daughter was assaulted from both sides at the same time, and she shouted: "Don't stop!"

44 I wish you smooth sailing, two dragons soaring, three goats opening up, peace in all seasons, five blessings, six six, great success, seven stars shining in all directions, wealth coming from all directions, ninety-nine, concentricity, perfection, everything going well, thousands of things auspicious, all the best

45 Donor: The color of the underwear you are wearing today is ominous and unlucky, so I hope you will take it off immediately and throw it into the toilet to keep yourself safe. Good, good, good.

46 Bull: I was scared when I saw the inspection team coming. They all like to eat bullwhips. Cow: I'm scared too. I heard that after they ate the bullwhip, they started bragging B

47 A man was buried under the sand enjoying a sand bath. Three beauties came here to change into swimming suits. Suddenly I heard a beautiful woman scream: Come and look, there are wild ones too

The 48-year-old beauty walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. After choosing for a long time, she finally said to the boss: I want the red one over there. . The boss was silent for a while and said: That is a fire extinguisher

49 Literary young woman wrote an article and asked the professor for advice. Professor: There are two prominent points in the first half of this article, which is relatively plump; the middle is mediocre; and the lower half is more frizzy, and it requires a lot of work!

50 tests you: What should you do if all the pigs in the world die overnight? (Name a song)......"At least I still have you"!

51 You are very creative, and living is your courage. It's not your intention to be ugly, it's just that God lost his temper. You have to live bravely. Without you, who can bring out the beauty of this world?

52 There is no one who is completely suitable for you, and there is no perfect relationship. Whether we are compatible or not, whether we are perfect or not, both parties need to make sacrifices and create for each other.

53 Looking back at the past life five hundred times, in exchange for passing by in this life. If it is really you, I would like to meet you thousands of times and be able to tell you: "I really want to see you well."

Dear user 54, your mobile phone number has won the first prize in our city’s online prize-winning event. The prize is 10,000 yuan. Please go to any bank with a pistol to collect it. Password: Do not move

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55 Tang Monk is assigning work under the Flame Mountain: "Wukong went to borrow a banana fan, and Wu Jing went to find water - Bajie, how come you still have time to read text messages?!"

56 Secret: Wrap your mobile phone in rice dumpling leaves and boil it in a pot for 30 minutes. The battery standby time of your mobile phone will be doubled, the signal will be enhanced, and you can smell the aroma of the rice dumplings when you make a call.

57 wishes you: Pepsi! Everything is Fanta! Wow haha ??every day! Happy Pepsi every month! Lego every year! Feeling like Sprite! Always eye-catching!

58 Congratulations, the text message you just received will be recorded in the history of world communications, because it is the first text message paid by the recipient, and the price is 10,000 yuan!

59 There was once a sincere love in front of me, but I did not cherish it. I regretted it only when I lost it. The most painful thing in the world is this.

60 I have known you for so long, and you have always cared about me. I really don’t know how to repay you. I will definitely pull grass for you to eat in my next life!

61 A woman urinated outside the car window and peed on someone’s head. Pedestrians shouted "Scarface, you can't run away"! Women are busy putting on pants. The passerby shouted again, "I'll recognize you even if you put on a mask."

62 You are so handsome and cool that it is beyond comparison. You hold a pot lid on your head and carry cabbage in your hands. You always think that you are the invincible of the East, but in fact you are the second generation fool!

< p>63 The first line: the male hero, single-handedly braves the bottomless pit; the second line: the female hero, double-sided attack captures the one-eyed dragon alive. Hengpiao: Respond to all requests

64 You have lacked calcium since childhood and lacked love when you grew up. You are wearing a sack, a pot lid on your head, shorts, a belt, shirtless, and a tie. Who has such a glorious image? Dare to love!

In the 65 university cafeteria, a boy wanted to jump in line and said to a beautiful girl: Classmate, can I jump in front of you? Girl: I’ve already had one fucked in front of me, so you can fuck me in the back!

66 If you love me, you kiss me. If you don’t love me, I will kiss you, okay~~~

67 If God can give me a If I have another chance, I will say three words to that girl: I love you. If I had to add a time limit to this love, I hope it would be... ten thousand years!

Special advice for 68: Pinhole cameras are becoming more and more popular at present. In order to ensure that your private parts are not peeped by prying eyes, please keep your clothes on when taking a shower and do not take off your underwear when urinating or defecating. Remember, remember!

69 You are so handsome and cool that it is beyond comparison. You hold the pot lid on your head and carry cabbage in your hands. You always think that you are the Invincible of the East, but in fact you are the second generation fool!

< p>70 full disc: You have recently been in close contact with a beautiful woman, and you frequently use text messages on your mobile phone to flirt with her. If you send another text message, hundreds of millions of Chinese hunks will become your enemy!