Life classic funny quotations

1: I remember the unified physical examination when I graduated from junior high school, and one of them was color blindness. It's buddy's turn. He stared at the photo in a daze. The doctor next to him said, just count, and hurry. Buddy: I see. Wait a minute. Five seconds later, the doctor was anxious: you mean count! Dude: What's the hurry? I just counted 26 yellow ones, 37 red ones, 14 green ones. ......

2: Jing M. Guo, Dian, Luo Luo and this group of people have dinner together. After eating, she wants AA, Lolo said, no, no, I'll pay the bill. And paid all the money. Q: Why is this? A: Because it is natural and graceful.

A reporter interviewed an old lady in the street. Reporter: Talk about the influence of windy weather on your life. Old lady: I'll go. That will affect the boss. Let's go shopping with my dad today. Emma, where's my dad? ! . . .

4. The English teacher lied. Who says get up can't be used in the present continuous tense? My process lasted more than two hours ~

5. A man called the doctor: Doctor, my wife has always had a stomachache recently, like appendicitis.

6. Doctor: I remember that your wife had a cecectomy two years ago. I've never seen a man with two caecum.

7: How many people know that skipping meals is the rule!

8. Riding a bicycle at a high speed, one person travels at the same speed. Seeing that it was about to hit, I shouted: I left you right! ! ! Then I really turned left, then he really turned right, and then he hit it! !

Yesterday, my girlfriend told me excitedly that she would dare to watch horror movies alone in the future because she had an idea. When playing the scariest story, mute it, and then use the most dazzling national style as the background music.

10: Haven't you heard that a man can have two wives?

1 1: In the fourth grade, the teacher assigned an original composition about spring. I was lazy to copy an article that I thought was good, Zhu Ziqing's Spring. The teacher approved a good one!

12: I heard that when I go to Starbucks, I will ask you what your last name is, so my good classmate replied, "My last name is Da." "Big miss, your coffee is ready.

13: A bottle of expired toner was found at home. I searched online: Toner expired, how to waste it? Jump out of the best answer: to my husband.

14: Try to wear shoes with shoelaces during holidays, so that you can bend over and pretend to tie your shoelaces when you meet someone you don't want to meet.

15: school sports meeting, I am the terminal recorder. The men's 10000-meter long-distance race started, and when it was near the finish line, the second runner shouted, that handsome guy in front! As a result, the original first place became the second place.

16: It is said that a Chinese listening test is like this: sweaters are discounted, each 10 yuan, everything 10 yuan, all ten yuan! Q: What is 10 yuan? A, chess pieces; B, everything; C, all; D. sweaters

17: Some people say that English words that need to be memorized can be changed into qq passwords, which makes it easier to remember the results. When you wake up, you can't log on to QQ.

18: following the introduction of free medical treatment for 95-year-olds in a certain place, another city announced that 100-year-olds can climb Mount Tai for free, 1 10-year-olds can relax the two-child policy, 120-year-olds can be allocated free housing, and 130-year-olds can be cancelled. I hope you children's shoes take care of yourself, and the good days ahead are waiting for us ~

19: It is said that a woman was robbed in the middle of the night and the robbers took out all her valuables! The girl followed, and the robber stared at the beautiful woman carefully with something for a while and took off all his clothes! The beauty thought that she could not escape after all, so she followed. It is honest for a man to watch her take it off carefully. He didn't hide anything, so he turned and left. . .

Complete works of life anecdotes

1. I always thought I was a talent, but I was wrong. I didn't. I am a genius.

2. Sometimes all absurd things look normal, and all normal things look ridiculous.

3. My heart is full of love. Treat all the beautiful women in the world as lovers.

4. Life and death are broad, and the child becomes a child; Hold your hand and grow old with your son.

5. Doctors look good, so we see doctors; If cigarettes are not obedient, we will smoke.

I want to change my life, but life has changed me.

7. Arrogant people can be saved, but people with inferiority can't. I think I can save it!

8. Don't be discouraged when you fail, but we must be proud when you succeed; People can be dirty, but not obscene; You can be shameless, but you can't be ignorant

9. Many people don't need to meet again, because they are just passing by. Forgetting is the best memory we give each other.

10. On a dark night, there was a woman wearing a trench coat.

1 1. Nobody wants to be caged. The question is, do you really dare to give you a boundless sky?

12. Sit still and think about yourself. Gossip is not personal.

13. Be a healthy person, a kind person and a happy person!

14. There are two kinds of silence: understanding, forgiveness and tolerance; Cowardice, echo, no opinion. Unfortunately, people often only see the second point.

15. Great men don't die nobly for their own ideals, but live humbly for their own ideals.

16. Can eggs from all over the world unite to break stones? ! So be realistic.

17. Some people say that time is passing, but it is not. Time is still, and we are passing by.

18. Jiangshan Wan Li, the wind crepes the sky; Throughout the history, great waves washed out heroes with talented people.

19. Be broad-minded in life and don't be demanding in everything.

20. Those who know me make me worry, and those who don't know me make me want.

2 1. I hope I don't feel guilty about life every time I recall it!

22. Some people say that failure is success, but my success is either dystocia or infertility.

23. I'm not a fucking god! I can't be like you love me!

24. Love makes people forget time, and time makes people forget love.

25. Sunrise in the East China Sea and setting in the West Mountain is also a day of sadness and joy; People are comfortable when they are not entangled in things.

26. Do whatever you want when you are young, and do whatever you want when you grow up.

27. Even if I were a toad, I would never take my mother toad!

28. If you are poor, you will be good and help the world.

29. The grievances that can be said are not grievances; A lover who can be taken away is not a lover.

30. The beauty of this world lies not in himself, but in people's satisfaction with him!

3 1. Happiness lies not in longing for it, but in being calm and not afraid of losing it.

32. There are trees in the mountains and branches in the trees; I don't know if you are happy.

33. The wind and cloud in the world come out of our generation and disappear when they enter the rivers and lakes. When you are talking and laughing, you can't live a drunken life!

34. Time, it's really meat buns hitting dogs.

Life classic funny sentences

1: It's not that the ending of the story is not good enough, but that we are too demanding of the story! It is not difficult to be single, but it is difficult to deal with those who try their best to make you end being single.

3: Fall down, get up and cry again ~ ~ ~

4: Give me some sunshine and I will rot.

The difference between a lie and an oath is that the listener takes it seriously and the speaker takes it seriously.

6: Even believe that there is a lie hidden in the middle.

7: Tigers don't send cats. You think I'm dying!

8: There is no other half 100, only two people have 50 points!

9. Men fool women and call it flirting; Women fool men, called seduction; Men and women fool each other, which is called love.

10: Nothing that can be solved with money is a problem, but I am poor.

1 1: Come back, I can't fool you alone!

12: My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

13: Don't wait until everyone says you're ugly before you realize that you're really ugly.

14: Go to the pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I thought about it and said: 8 yuan! 12 can't eat! The difference between people and pigs is that pigs have always been pigs, but people are sometimes not people!

15: there is no rehearsal in life, and it is broadcast live every day; Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.

16: When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

17: Life is the mouth of Song Like Zude, and you never know who will be unlucky next.

18: Scholars pretend to be dead for their confidants, while women have plastic surgery for those who please themselves.

19: The people who are willing to stay and argue with you are the ones who really love you!

20: Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

2 1: I can tolerate fake bodies, fake faces, fake breasts and fake hips! ! ! But I just don't tolerate money. Yes! ! ! !

22: I have a little thought, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

23: Flowers often do not belong to people who appreciate flowers, but to cow dung. Shake, shake, shake to Naihe Bridge.

24: Eat a little properly to lose weight.

25: A literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy!

26: How far is forever? Get out, boy!

Sometimes, it's not that the other person doesn't care about you, but that you take the other person too seriously.

It turns out that as long as people are separated, people who are familiar with each other will gradually alienate.

29: In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted: Teacher!

30: Real good friends are not together with endless topics, but together, even if they don't talk, they won't feel embarrassed.

3 1: personals: The requirements are as follows: A is alive and B is female.

32: The government thinks about how to collect taxes reasonably, the boss thinks about how to avoid taxes reasonably, and I think about how to sleep reasonably!

33: Planting grass does not make people lie down. Why don't you plant cactus?

Funny quotations from classical philosophy-funny quotations

When will there be a bright moon? Ask your roommate about the wine. I wonder if the handsome guy next door has a girlfriend?

Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, someone praised my left nostril as an idol.

Mom's suggestion: Daughter, you should eat a little properly to lose weight!

Spring is a period of high incidence of colds and feelings. Some people accidentally caught a cold, and some people accidentally fell in love. I belong to the former.

I am also an infatuated seed. It rained and drowned.

Money is not everything, sometimes it is needed.

I allow you to come into my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in my world.

God, did you let summer and winter live together? ! This kind of weather!

When the bird is big, there are all kinds of Woods!

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Summer is not good. When I was poor, I didn't even have to drink the northwest wind. ...

Do whatever you want!

Don't call me if you have nothing to do, and don't call me if you have anything to do.

Do you think I'll watch you die? I close my eyes.

Angels can fly because they look down on themselves. ...

I want to puppy love, but it's too late. ...

Please don't speak English in front of me in the future, ok?

I hope that one day I can double-click my wallet with my mouse, then select a hundred-dollar bill, press "CTRLC" and keep "CTRLV" all the time.

I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just because one day you pass me, I will fall for you, even if I don't smash you, I will live in vain.

Please raise your hand if you love me, and stand on your head if you don't love me.

Never hang yourself from a tree. You can try it several times in the surrounding trees.

Don't set the bank card password as your girlfriend's birthday, or you will always change it.

The happiest thing: sleep until you wake up naturally. Count the money and count the cramps in your hands. The saddest thing: sleep until your hand cramps, and count the money until you wake up naturally.

Money can buy a house, but not a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain.

Everyone wants to be different from others, and everyone is the same as a result.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. When we are old, the mirror is flat.

A scholar dies as a confidant, and a woman is a lover of herself.

If being rich is also a mistake, I'd rather repeat it.

People are afraid of famous pigs and strong, men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

The effect of contraception: if you don't succeed, you will become a' person'.

Asking how sad you can be is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

Sleep is an art-no one can stop me from pursuing art.

If marriage is the grave of love, then I expect someone to bury me.

I am not a casual person. I'm not a person when I get up casually

To be a man, you must be a man who wanders between cow A and cow C.

You can go as far as you want.

Lie down where you fell.

Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it.

Lovers form families.

Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face …

A tree will die if it is not skinned; People are shameless and invincible in the world.

I will have a son named "handsome" in the future, so everyone will say "handsome dad" when they see me.

Work, take a step back, fall in love, take a step back, and people are empty.

The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and get their wages.

Money is not the problem, the problem is no money!

I was drunk and nobody obeyed, so I held the wall.

I am like a fly lying on the glass, with a bright future, but I can't find a way out.

You know what, big brother? Second brother's meat is now more expensive than master's.

If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smarter, then you should eat at least a pair of whales. ...

Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible.

Youth is like toilet paper. It looks a lot, but it's not enough.

Friends around you, get famous quickly, so that my memoirs can sell well.

A female classmate is darker and her boyfriend is whiter. One day, the poison queen in the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this, you will have zebras."

I always treat handsome guys and money like dirt, and they always treat me like this.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

God said, let there be light, and I said I opposed it, so the world was dark.

My name is God, my nickname is Jesus, my English name is God, and my dharma name is Tathagata …

The farmer's three punches hurt a little.

In fact, I have always been very popular: I was loved by everyone when I was a child, and now I am loved by a bitch.

Not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

Rats are looking for cats all over the street with knives.

As long as you work hard, shit is serious.

Who runs fastest? It's Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because speaking of the devil.

Only when there is a long queue at the railway station can we truly realize that we are "descendants of the dragon".

When spring comes, a flock of geese fly north, forming a B-shape for a while and a T-shape for a while.

Tigers don't show off. You think I'm HELLOKITTY!

Donkey, yes, read it backwards and follow it.

The highest state of self-help: help the wall in, help the wall out.

No money, no power, no matter how good it is for you, can you come with me?

Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

Go to Google and Baidu to see.

Women must be kind to themselves. Once you are exhausted, other women will spend your money, live in your room, sleep with your husband and beat your baby!

Grandpa comes from his grandson. ...

You can go as far as you want!

No one has blown cowhide so fresh and refined for a long time!

Boss, is money really that important to you? You talked for more than three hours and didn't leave a penny behind?

When I woke up, it was dark.

If I become a personnel manager, the first thing I will do is to promote myself to the boss.

I am losing weight except eating every day. You say I have no perseverance?

I won't tell you if I kill you.

Any problem that money can solve is not a problem.

After studying for more than ten years, I think it's better to mix kindergartens!

Even believe in advertisements. Are you stupid in your studies?

How to lose weight if you don't have enough food?

The early bird catches the worm, and the early worm is eaten by the bird.

God, my clothes have lost weight again!

Water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

Buying a computer without broadband is like becoming a monk without eating.

There is an old legend-people who can see beautiful women on XX campus will live forever.

Healthy and relaxed; Living is easy; Life is not easy.

My name in my girlfriend's mobile phone is "He". After breaking up, I became "it".

I am different from you because I am human.

I only drink pure water when drinking water and pure milk when drinking milk, so I am very simple.

God gave us youth and acne.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

Boys are poor, or don't know how to struggle, girls are rich, or they are coaxed away by a piece of cake.

Fate is responsible for shuffling cards, but it is ourselves who play cards!

Love is a kind of helplessness, being loved is a gesture, waiting for love is an expectation, and not loving is an ability.

The beauty of a woman lies in her unrepentant stupidity, and the beauty of a man lies in being a ghost every day.