Handwritten jokes

Prepare 100 yuan. Fold in half and then fold in half, put it on the ground and step on it n times. Pick it up and see if the people above have nosebleeds. If it is, it is true. If not, it's fake.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: "rabbit, shrimp, pig tail!" No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! 」

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Sausages and pickles, please!"! 」

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" 」

Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

Part I: It's windy and rainy. I am waiting for your call back. Bottom line: live for you, die for you, and wait for you all your life. Horizontal batch: sent to the wrong person.

The kangaroo and monkey in the forest game were praised by the lion king for jumping high, and the bear was criticized and said unconvinced: I will jump over this bridge tomorrow! Lion King: Look at you. You are still on the bridge (you are still watching! )

I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I've been worried. I'll text you right away. If you are still alive, please reply to me!

Jianghu knows that you are skilled in martial arts, but you can't be proud. If you do this, you will no longer be a person, but a swordsman! Chivalrous swordsman! Chivalrous swordsman!

Look at you, American head, French waist, Indian nose, Hong Kong foot, people are not people, ghosts are not ghosts, only one head and two legs, look at you, smiling and reading text messages!

Under the red sun and blue sky, farmers rushed into the cinema excitedly to watch the third-grade films, and their angry shouts shook the world. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said, "People who read short messages are not stars, and we won't pay if we are killed."

Do your fingers itch? That means I miss your caress; Does your lips itch? That means I miss your kiss; Are you itchy ... that means you are dirty, so take a shower!

You are as hardworking as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a puppy, as smart as a kitten, as simple and honest as an old cow and as fierce as a tiger. No wonder people call you an animal!

Since ancient times, who has no shit and who doesn't use paper to shit? If you don't use toilet paper, are you using your fingers?

Whether it is a gust of wind or not, it is so eternal; This is a dream, but it is so real; You bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. Finally, I can't help but say to you, "let me know before farting!" "

Without the wind, the clouds will not move; Fish can't swim without water; If there is no sun, the moon will have no light; If it weren't for you, stupid people wouldn't exist.

I can't eat in the morning because I miss you, I can't eat at noon because I miss you more, I can't eat at night because I miss you crazily, and I can't sleep at night because I'm hungry.

I heard that your mobile phone has no short message function, so I sent this short message as an experiment. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not my SMS, please reply to me: I have it, it is yours!

When my cell phone rings, it means I miss you. Second, I miss you so much! Three times, I miss you very much! Four tones, I miss you very much; Five tones-demo, it's time to answer the phone!

I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just because one day you pass me, I will fall for you, and it is in vain not to smash you.

Beggars beg along the street with monkeys. He told them to laugh, cry, bow and read short messages.

You took part in a ball game the other day and only scored a volley ball. Before the goalkeeper could react, the goal was scored! We all applaud and cheer for you. You get up and pat your ass and say, damn, the ground is too slippery!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly-pig!

The aquarium celebrated the birthday of the old dragon king. During the dinner, Prime Minister Turtle took something out of his arms, looked at it and put it back. The dragon king quickly asked, what happened to Prime Minister Gui? Shrimp, soldier and crab will quickly answer: the old bastard has received the text message again.

My friend thought a lot last night, so did I. Only you are the coolest. I looked for you in my dream. Looking back, you were really thrown in the depths of someone else's donkey shed and tied up. How cruel! Cruel! Calm down after reading the information!

Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to find you. Can you pick me up at the station? However, I'm afraid it's hard for people to recognize it. You let your head explode, with a stick in your right hand and a porcelain bowl in your left. The joint signal is: Come on!

I dreamed about you. You made a dress out of white clouds, borrowed the wings of a bird, put the broom behind your ass, and flew to me like a sword. Tell me affectionately: Do you know? That's what birdman looks like.

I thought there was something better, but I found again and again that the best was around, just like you. I didn't think so at first, but as time went on, I realized that you were the best … bully!

I am determined to do three major things for the people of the whole country: 1 build an elevator for Mount Everest, tile the Great Wall, and put the plane into reverse gear; Do three little things: 1 put gloves on flies, 2 put a mask on mosquitoes, and 3 feed you some pig feed.

When I arrived in xishuangbanna tourism, Yunnan, I was besieged by a group of wild boar. Tourists took out food and money, and the wild boar was unmoved. You took out your only ID card, and the pigs knelt down and cried: Boss, we found you!

You are a 10 playboy, who often plays with 9 and 8 and has billions of money. You've been abandoned for seven years, and you've been looking for prey. You need to ask more questions, but you are still half-hearted. You are definitely not a good person.

You are very creative, living is your courage, ugliness is not your original intention, without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!

After seeing the Three Kingdoms, the tiger went to catch wild boar. He saw that there were no pigs in the pigsty, so he touched his beard and said, Empty city plan! I turned around and saw a dead pig on the animal trap. I was shocked: danger! Suddenly seeing you again, I was overjoyed: yo-ho, there is a honey trap!

The toad chased the swan, and the swan said disdainfully, if I were like this, I would have died long ago! Toad refused: Is the pig still alive? Hearing this, the pig felt wronged: I provoked whoever I recruited, I was just reading the text message!

There is a yearning, a love, a beauty, an agreement, and a greeting, hello pig!

I don't want to be alone I want it, too. I walk in the street and have a look. Handsome men and beautiful women hold hands, but I hold hands with my left hand. Now I just want to go out with you, but I'm afraid my friend will say, don't always walk the dog.

In a military exercise, a shell deviated far away. I was sent to check and found that the shell exploded in the farmland. You stood there in rags, with dark eyes and tearful eyes. You said to me: Is it worth stealing a cabbage with a shell?

I miss the days we walked together. Spring is beautiful, birds are singing and flowers are fragrant. Everyone in the village praises you for your beauty and cuteness. The villagers also praised me for being smart and capable, and I came out to release pigs at such a young age.

When you are lonely, watermelon may be your best vent. You can cut, chop, chop, and shout loudly: I kill melons, I kill melons, I kill melons!

1 The new diva sang rock and roll at the top of her lungs in the dormitory: "I want to change, I want to make a big change ..." The bookworm who was reading a book suddenly looked up and was surprised.

Q: "Isn't the toilet empty?"

The male bathhouse and the female bathhouse in the school walk through the same door, so students of the opposite sex often meet them, which is quite embarrassing. One day, the bookworm walked to the door and happened to meet a junior.

When he came out, the bookworm couldn't dodge to say hello and said, "Are there many people inside?"

Once, I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar brought one.

A bowl came up to my friend's back and touched him gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with me, thinking that the waiter had brought the meal, so I didn't.

I turned and took the rice bowl from the beggar and put it in front of me. We were all stunned at that time, and the beggar wanted to cry more (kill him)

I didn't expect this, and there were people grabbing jobs) ~ ~ ~

When I was in college, one of my buddies met a beautiful woman on campus. It was love at first sight, and every day he was very emotional. When I went out to eat with him at noon one day, it was

The beauty happened to pass by, and my buddy immediately pulled me back and saw the beauty enter a noodle restaurant, and we also sat in it. I suggest

My buddy: "Senior three, hurry up ~" So he got up the courage, stepped forward, blushed and asked: "What's your name, classmate?" Nami

The woman looked at my buddy blankly: "My name is beef noodles." Dude was stupid, and I was laughing!

Tong Tong asked his mother, "Why do you call Mr. Jiang an ancestor?" Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."

Tong Tong said: "Will those dead grandmothers be called' fresh milk'?"

A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 am and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class!" " "Then two people immediately put on.

Clothes. I was playing pc at that time.

One night after eating my favorite bitter gourd, I said, "XXX (my mother's name), make me a bitter gourd, you go."

Death ... "It was probably loud. My mother, who slept in another cupboard, heard it. The next morning, she asked me angrily.

After ... ... crazy K even a meal ... can be said to be hanging. ......

A classmate went horseback riding during the day, was still excited at night, and then fell asleep. We play cards. After a while, the man said, drive! Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! ! ! ! !

A classmate likes to smoke while defecating. He just came out of the toilet and said to us loudly, "Ah, it's so cool to smoke and shit."

giddiness

Before 10, the first sentence when I returned to the dormitory was always "Did someone call me?" ...

1 1 Once, my roommate and I bickered in the dormitory. He said he couldn't beat me and called me "you are my grandfather's son!" " The whole dormitory 1 second is silent and then laughs wildly!

12 ate bad food once when I was a child, and wrote a sick note to the teacher the next day: "Teacher, I ate bad food yesterday and my stomach was upset.

Here, get up in the morning, vomit and diarrhea. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.

13 Once I had dinner with my cousin at home, I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissues. Cousin shouted: "hurry up, hurry up, get the toilet paper, get the toilet."

14 things at the same table fell to the ground, so I bent down to pick up my partner and stepped on it with my foot. Unexpectedly, I became angry as soon as I stepped on his hand: "Dare to step on my foot? ! "

15 in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ class violence

Cold ~ ~ ~

16 A foreign teacher once showed Mandarin in a big classroom. I wanted to give him a face and praise his standard of Mandarin, but it turned out to be you.

The standard words are really ordinary and cold, and everyone laughs at me.

17 and MM are in front of the stall selling soybean milk fritters. I shouted, "Boss, I want a bean paste." MM smiled.

18 Even the high school Chinese teacher said in class: You are the result of a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . Full of laughter!

19 When I was in the third grade of primary school, a classmate invited us to dinner on my birthday. When I got home, I said to my mother, "Mom, my classmate invited me on our wedding night today.

Eat! "

There were many people in the restaurant, and I shouted: Boss, a pepper without seasoning. . . . The waiter also repeated loudly: 1 1 table, did you add one?

Pepper with seasoning! ! ! . . .

2 1 I: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."

On the 23rd, I went shopping! Suddenly I saw a crow croaking in the sky! So a word popped out of her mouth: "Oh, this green!" "

Frogs fly very low! I feel dizzy

I always make such mistakes ... because I talk too much.

When I was in junior high school, I read a text that XX was wandering in the corridor, while I read that XX was debauched in the corridor ... The teacher blushed.

In high school, I went out to play with my classmates. There is a China Everbright Bank near the school, which just opened, so there is still a red cloth on the sign ... but the cloth is hung.

I blocked Chinese characters ... I read "China Everbright Bank" ... My classmates laughed me crazy and I couldn't hold my head for years!

A person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold saying: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine. ..

26 once I listened to the radio, what was the shopping guide hotline? Someone called in and the host asked him, "What's your name?" "

He replied, "Don't take your name! ~~~~~"

Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

28 to a quick-acting grandmother: A few days ago, you were sitting on the bus, and the driver of 252 suddenly braked, and your center of gravity was unstable. You rushed out and asked the driver:

What can I do for you?

Students: Although the instructor is really busy, please don't say to me when you see me in the toilet, "Instructor, you have to come by yourself when you are so busy."

Go to the bathroom! "

It was very hot for 30 days, but the school was out of power. From day to night 10, our girls' dormitory is quiet at night, and everyone enjoys the cool on the balcony, boys.

The dormitory is very lively. After a commotion, the boys seem to have reached a certain consensus, only to hear organized shouts from the opposite corridor: "Hoo, coming!" "

Electricity! We need electricity! "About 10 minutes later, the school actually called, and there was a cheer from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.

It was not until the light-off time of 1 1 in the evening that the boys began to shout neatly, "delay, delay, we will delay!" "

The school, which has always been harsh, unexpectedly agreed to the unreasonable demands of this group of people and extended the call time for the first time.

Just as we were about to have a rest, something happened that I will never forget. Maybe the boys are too excited because their two boys are usually away.

Possible requirements were actually realized by the school, so there was a more organized and magnificent voice from the opposite boys' dormitory, .............:

"Women ... women ... we want women! ! ! "

3 1 tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

33 classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant, cool, and shook his hair: "Boss, no onion rice noodles!" " After that, add:

"More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

34. Once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

35. In high school, everyone has a name tag. . Before an inspection, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bras and check.

Pull. . The audience was silent. . .

36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

37. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

38. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down."

Sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea! "

39. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. On one occasion, a mm got on the bus without a seat.

Hello, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I am a

Laugh till you get off ~!

40. In college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not.

Not stupid!

4 1, a buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, when the meal arrived, two people entered a house.

Arriving at the beef noodle restaurant, the girl shouted to the master: Hey, pull two bowls ~ ~ Lamian Noodles's master said: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

42. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well.

Yes (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

43 once the leader of the Education Bureau inspected the exercises between classes. After that, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in desperation, they forgot the words and held back.

After a long time, I shouted: "Retreat!"

44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside.

Go up and ask, "Wife ..."

45. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG just

Please, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore, shouting, Teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, he

I have to (touch) silence ~ ~! ! !

46. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call him uncle, but he said wrong, "Dad,

Come and sit down! "~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

47. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

48. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Say that finish, I yelled with all my strength.

"I won't marry (lend) you." At that time, the students immediately quieted down.

49. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week. ......

I spit on your face!

5 1 I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout:

"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "

Then a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."

A customer ran into the tailor's shop angrily.

Pointing to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him, he said, "I stood on the street corner yawning and two people put letters in my mouth!" " "

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ...

I am still a primary school student, and I am particularly envious of my classmates who are assigned by the teacher to read the composition. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. End of opportunity

I'm here.

So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!

Pupils stand up: "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother. ......

This time I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance takes turns. It's her turn to announce: audience friends, please listen next.

Du Zi (Du Zi) plays flute. ......

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year, and she was very happy with my mother.

Say: hey! Mom, this is so rude ... Mom and I both laughed.

57. A neighbor named Auntie goes to work by bike every day. Early in the morning, I met her at the door. I smiled and said politely, Aunt,

Big class ... bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

One day, my classmate anonymous felt sorry for himself and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, is my chest hair good-looking? He was taken aback and said, Oh, I am.

I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.

When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the general meeting of the whole school: we should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army in climbing snow-capped mountains and crossing grasslands. From then on.

Deprived of political speech for life!

When I was 60 years old, my father told me that there was a paragraph about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she saved the whole country.

When the villagers were alive, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: Alley, are you crazy? ! But in the era of * * *, poor.

Rural children read aloud: little madman, do you smell good?

6 1 In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. This girl has always been famous for her lively reading. She was also holding a textbook that day.

Read aloud:

..... He clung to the sentry in the snowstorm, clutching a steel gun in his hand ...

What we hear is that .....

..... He stood guard in the snowstorm, holding a pen tightly in his hand. ......

..... There was silence in the class, the teacher fell down with laughter, and then the classmates fell down. ....

Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't)

Yes, I can only find a chance to give him a bite when he is distracted. He kept running, and I kept calling him to come and have a bite of the apple.

Chasing ducks again! I kept repeating this sentence, and finally I shouted it out: Have a bite of duck ... and then put on the brakes skillfully.

I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging on it, which was one of mine.

When a female classmate was reading aloud, she was also very loud and said excitedly: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class.

I was shocked.

There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. At the same time, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully:

So where do the old ladies live?

The most classic thing is that I once watched Tao tell an anecdote about his first time as a host. He never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What impressed me most was that.

He said that once when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately, friends, have you seen the Yellow River? You know this is our mother.

Kiss the river ~ ~

After deeply introducing the Yellow River, he said, let's listen to the song of the Yangtze River.

Once I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

68. Going home at the weekend, I became addicted to cigarettes after dinner and planned to go for a walk under the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I said, "Go for a walk.

Smoke! "。 As a result, my father found a pack of white generals from me and gave me a good K.

In computer class, a classmate shouted when there was something wrong with his machine. "Boss, change the plane!"

Once I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, and finally it was my turn. I can't wait to say, "Give me two rollers!" " ".I didn't expect the waiter to treat me badly.

Speak aloud; "Two rollers, four dollars!" .

7 1 I met a long-awaited girl who came out of the bathhouse and wanted to make friends with her. She held back for a long time and said, "Go take a shower, there are many men in it."

Not much? "。

A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who will make trouble in the village today?" Don't clean the blackboard! " .

The teacher asked me to do my homework. If I can't do it, I'll copy from others. Then I go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " " .

On the day of driving test, a gentleman was particularly nervous. The examiner embarrassed him and asked him to park his car where there was a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This Curtis is very nervous.

He said, "Call the fire hydrant. There are examiners on the roadside. No parking!" " .

When KFC just produced the best popcorn, an old lady ran to the waiter and said, "Give me the best diced chicken." Laugh to death ~ ~ ~ ~

In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher, help me turn on the cheater."

In order to commemorate him in the future, we always shout at the teacher at the physical education class: "Master! He cheated while driving! "

Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

Eat 78 a day. . .

"Rice, why hasn't my lady come yet? Hurry up. "

79. Just now, when I was reading this post, I was eating a cream cake. The gg next to him suddenly said, can you eat peas like this without growing cream? . . Sudden cold

In the internet cafe, I wanted to get off the plane and check out, so I shouted, "Boss, stop the plane!" " "