Joke Xiaohua

A group of great scientists played hide-and-seek in heaven after their death. It's Einstein's turn to arrest people. He counted to 100 and opened his eyes. He saw everyone hiding, but Newton was still standing there.

Einstein walked over and said, "Newton, I got you."

Newton: "No, you didn't catch Newton."

Einstein: "You are not Newton. Who are you? "

Newton: "What do you see under my feet?"

Einstein looked down and saw Newton standing on a square floor tile one meter long and one meter wide, puzzled.

Newton: "This is a square meter under my feet, and I stand on it and it is Newton/square meter, so you don't catch Newton, you catch * * *."

……

……

……

……

* * * = Pascal

When a boy had sex with a girl, the girl received an offer from Duke University. At the boarding gate of the airport, the girl anxiously looked at the figure of the lady here. But when the familiar body really appeared in front of her, the girl did not dare to look at the attachment in each other's eyes.

"If you want me to stay, I will give up studying abroad." The girl secretly made up her mind. I saw that the boy took out a beautifully packaged gift box with a mechanical watch that stopped the needle. The boy gently put the watch on the girl's wrist, wound it up, loosened it, and the stopped watch hand began to circle again.

"Yes, everyone will have a new beginning. Why stick to this moment?" The girl thought about it, shook her hand and walked quickly into the boarding passage. There was no hesitation in her heart, only a glimpse of the sobbing back touched a chord slightly.

Sixty years later, the girl's temples were stained with snow. She was packing at her home in Boston and preparing to move. The American wife outside is coaxing her grandchildren into the car. Suddenly, the mechanical watch at the bottom of the box suddenly appeared in front of her, and the memory suddenly returned to the airport 60 years ago. "Girl" sighed for a while, wiped the surface, wound the watch, let go, and the stopped hands began to circle again. ...

My wife shouted many times outside and didn't hear the response from the "girl". On entering the room, she was holding an old-fashioned tearful eye.

-What does that mean? . . . What the boy wants to express is that the watch is gone. . .

It's freezing! ! !

A man was out on a business trip and suddenly came home. He heard a man snoring at the door.

The man walked away silently and sent a text message to his wife: "Divorce!" ! ! "

Then throw away the mobile phone card and leave. ...

They met again in a city three years later.

The wife asked: Why did you leave without saying goodbye?

The man told the story.

The wife turned around,

Simply put: that's Rising's little lion.

My English teacher always likes to ask questions in class. Whenever someone is asked to answer a question, he always asks: Can you? Means you can.

One day we learned the word born, the meaning of fertility, and then she gave an example: a sow can give birth to ten piglets at a time, and then let a boy translate. After the boy stood up, the teacher did not forget to ask: will you? The boy replied: I won't.

After ten seconds of silence, the whole class laughed.

One night, when I was on duty, someone reported to the police that a drunk was making trouble in front of his shop, so we took him back to the police station and "restrained him until he woke up." When the man arrived at the police station, he was still unconscious and hit his head with his mobile phone. The leader was afraid of an accident, so he put away his mobile phone and put it in the duty room for me to keep.

This is a magical cottage machine. I have a rough look, there are 9 speakers! ! ! This is a terrible thing. Someone has been calling this mobile phone, and the ringtone is "Wolf falls in love with sheep". God, the phone keeps ringing. The ringtone of the mobile phone is at least 100 decibel, so big that even the general sound is covered up. I answered, and the caller is also a drunk and can't communicate. I want to turn off my phone, and I need a password! ! ! I want to wait until his battery is dead. He's been ringing for more than two hours and hasn't used up a grid of electricity! ! !

I thought, well, I pulled the battery out. What a clever mistake! I made the worst decision of my life! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! As soon as the battery is unplugged, this mobile phone actually has an alarm. Yes, it's a siren, louder than the alarm of our police car. Where did you say the battery was missing? It's been ringing for more than ten minutes, so I can't help it. I can only put the battery back, turn it on, and continue to sing Wolf in Love with Sheep.

At 2 o'clock in the morning, the man finally woke up and could communicate normally. I returned his mobile phone to him in tears and told him to leave the police station and let me live.

One day in the street. Walk.

A girl knelt on the ground and cried. Cry until everyone is watching and ask her what's wrong. . .

She said: lost. . . . .

A young man is wearing a white T-shirt. The key point is that there are three bars (Adidas) on the left and right sleeves and a big tick (Nike) on the back. I feel dizzy and my chest is kappa. . . .

One night at around 10, I was on my way home by bike.

Inactive lane

There is a man driving a battery car around.

I think maybe I'm drunk, so I'd better keep my distance.

I was just thinking, suddenly the car in front of me fell down, and so did the people.

I rode past him to see what had happened.

He said to himself, Mara is next door, asleep! ~

At about 9 o'clock in the midsummer night, I was driving across a road. I was surprised to see anonymous sitting on a motorcycle by the side of the road with a intoxicated face, so I kept stirring it up. There was a faint gasp "Oh ... Uh ...". Look carefully, Kao, make love in this street. After a scan, everyone in the car and on the road looks like thunder, which is summarized as follows:

Daughters-> (▽)? -& gt； ! (@ [] @)!

Man-> (▽)? -& gt； (ˉ▽~ ~ ~)-& gt； ( 》▽》)

Minor-> _?

The elderly-> (--) ╯

Someone went to eat noodles and shouted, Boss, have one or two beef noodles.

Pause for two seconds, then continue to shout: more beef, more noodles, and more vegetable leaves.

The boss is unhappy: you eat 2 Liang.

The man's voice is still very loud: there is too much silver to eat.

A man in his thirties.

A man and a woman are fighting, both in their thirties. Women are typical bitches. As she said, the woman couldn't beat the man, so she reached into her pants and took out the WSJ with blood and stuffed it into the man's mouth.

Last time, I had to take a bus with BF. The row in front of us is the junction of one seat and two positions, that is to say, from the front row, there is a position for two people, but there is a position that protrudes outward (I don't like to do this kind of seat, the front is empty ~ unsafe, and it is easy for the whole person to throw it out when braking suddenly) ~ Most buses in Shanghai have this kind of seat. Sitting in a prominent position in front of us is a GG, which looks ok. When the bus arrived at the station, a fat MM came over. At that time, the bus was relatively empty, and there were quite a lot of vacancies. MM went straight to the handsome guy in front of us. At this time, my BF whispered to me: Look, that woman is going to be abnormal. . Before he could finish, the bus started, and MM stumbled all the way to the handsome guy ~ ~ As a result, it was conceivable that the fat MM fell in the handsome guy's arms ~ ~ I could only bite my lip with BF ~ ~ before laughing ~ ~

My roommate lost a lot of blood on a special day. She didn't know, so she gave it away after class. In the second class, a boy sat in that seat. After class, there was blood on the back of his pants. We witnessed him leave in silence. ....

One day last summer at about 5 pm, at the busiest intersection of the busiest commercial pedestrian street in our city, a garbage collector put all the plastic bottles in a trash can in the middle of the road into her bag, then pulled out the trash can and began to poop in the bucket. There are countless passers-by around ... all black lines ...

Two days ago, I witnessed a dog's blood story on the busiest commercial pedestrian street in our city. The process is as follows:

A man and a woman are pandering from a distance. They are both wearing the uniforms of the Italian football team. The woman has a good figure and the man is tall and handsome.

The woman flew into a rage and the man struggled to stay. He just wouldn't let go of her arm.

The woman flew into a rage and shook her arms, and the man was thrown in front of the woman.

The man hugged the woman, and the woman began to struggle, kicking and hitting, and brutally stepping on the man's foot.

The man refused to let go, and the woman struggled to break free and began to run wildly.

The man grabbed the woman and pulled her to the street next to the blue board of a construction site enclosure. On the way, the woman struggled to break free.

The man threw the woman on the blue board, put her hand on the fence and began to kiss.

The woman kicked and kicked at the same time as she broke free, but the man clung to it.

The woman slapped her in the face, and the man not only didn't get angry, but also hugged her tightly.

The woman struggled a few times and finally calmed down. ...........

Everyone stared at their backs hugging each other in the sunset, with black lines on their faces.

The worst thing is that the men and women didn't say a word during the whole process, even the usual onomatopoeia words "en", "ah" and swearing words didn't appear, as if it were a fierce silent film.

A temple.

Monk: Donate some money, just 3500.

Me: I don't have that much money. Maybe next time.

Monk: Never mind. We can swipe our cards here.

Me: Sorry, I don't have my card either.

Monk: Never mind. We can also mortgage here, and the monthly interest rate is only 3%.

Me: Sorry, I have nothing to mortgage.

Monk: Please fill out this organ donation form.

Monkeys used to be big and dishonest. They often rob passers-by of their property. After being robbed several times, a vegetable farmer still can't swallow this tone. "Always find a way to cure them!" After observation, he found that monkeys like to imitate human movements, and they are still very unyielding.

Great, finally there is a way. When ready, the vegetable farmer put two radishes-a green radish and a carrot-in his crotch and went up the hill. Finally, I waited for these monkeys halfway up the mountain. The vegetable farmers are not in a hurry, and the spectators and monkeys are watching. As long as they see what they want, they will do it at once. At this time, vegetable farmers are not in a hurry, and they don't pay attention to the baskets that usually contain vegetables. They just take out the guy in pants and play with him in their hands. The monkey didn't know what the vegetable farmer was doing at first, but he couldn't help learning soon and took out his own guy to play. After a while, the vegetable farmer's guy and the monkey's guy grew up. While the monkeys were not paying attention, the vegetable farmers changed their homes into carrots, and they were still playing and rubbing them hard from time to time. After a while, the monkeys noticed that the vegetable farmers' things were "red"! Monkeys are unwilling, rub, rub and rub! After the last hour, it was all red. When the vegetable farmers saw that the temperature was almost the same, they threw away the carrots and replaced them with green radishes while the monkeys were not paying attention! Still playing there, just rubbing harder. The monkey finally became popular, but when he saw the food of the vegetable farmer, he became "green"! Can't lose! The monkeys are working hard again, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing. .......................................................................................................................................................

As soon as the vegetable farmers saw it, it was time! I saw the vegetable farmer break off the green radish in his hand! It broke in an instant. Now the monkey is in a hurry, and everyone breaks off the guy in his hand! ........... is broken!

From then on, the monkey collapsed and became smaller and smaller. ..........

Last week, on the sidewalk of Tianhe South Road in front of Guangzhou Book Center. A man panicked, rushed out of the snack bar and ran to the road.

Behind her, a woman chased after her, holding a hundred-dollar bill in her left hand and a kitchen knife in her right hand, shouting in Mandarin, "Give me back my virginity! Give me back my virginity! " , a look of heartbreak.

(at that time, I thought, is it that man played a rogue and didn't give enough money to be hunted down? )

Probably seeing a woman chasing after her with a knife, the man had to stop and say to her, "OK, I'll pay you back."

(I don't understand it. Isn't it just robbing people of their virginity and stealing their money? Oh, my God, this is immoral! Catch him and kill him completely. )

I saw that the woman gave the man a hundred-dollar bill, and the man gave the woman dozens of dollars.

The more I watch it, the more confused I am. How can I take away a person's chastity and make money? Look at the man's face again. If he can be a "second husband", the old sow can climb trees. )

People can't understand the ending of Sanqu.

(I woke up today and remembered this moment. I suddenly realized that the man had paid counterfeit money and was chased by the snack bar owner and said, "Give me back the real money!" " " )

The funeral procession downstairs is playing "Often Go Home" ... I don't know what my family thinks. ...