Who can make a few cold jokes? Don't be old, the newer the better. If it is a question and answer, thank you.

1, let's joke about who is most likely to be president if China is directly elected. The final conclusion is that horses. He just needs to pop up a window to vote for Ma and send 10Q coins. ...

2. I googled "Why isn't Sunday called Monday?" As a result, Google told me: "Baidu knows!"

Outside the window, it is snowing heavily. Suddenly, a quick phone ring! The stationmaster was surprised and answered the phone. IDC's urgent voice came from the opposite side of the microphone. Hurry up, there is an independent server on your website. "

The man was away on business and suddenly went home early. He heard the man snoring at the door. The man walked away silently and sent a text message to his wife: divorce! Three years after the divorce, his ex-wife said to him: It's Rising's little lion!

5. A little centipede is in a bad mood. His father asked, What's the matter with you? The little centipede said, I said I was afraid you couldn't stand it. Dad: Go ahead, I can stand it. The little centipede shook his 100-odd leg and said, I want to buy converse shoes on June 1.

6. Once I went to eat in jiaozi, my boss said that I had five dollars, six dollars, 10 dollars, and asked me which one I wanted. I blurted out: How much is six dollars? The boss was cold ... at that time, his face was red ... actually, I want to ask how much is six yuan?

7. If I meet you again, I will drag you to the bedroom, lock the door, push you down on the bed crazily, cover your head with a quilt, open my arm and fold my sleeve to tell you: Look, my watch is luminous!

8. Cobra and elephant date. After greeting, he said, "Come on, come on, take such a big pig. Welcome. "

9. I want to be a bitter gourd in my next life, so that everyone who eats me can taste my suffering.

10, that day, he ran out to buy cigarettes, suddenly found his shoelaces loose, bent down to tie them, and the clerk threw out a pack of cigarettes and said to zz, "Hey, money is still stuffed in his shoes these days!" ..............

1 1, while cooking, a crab pushed out of the pot and said to you, "I'm hot!" "Answer: If you want to be red, you can bear it. ......

12, I saw a netizen's brief and powerful self-introduction-gender male, love female.

13 you know, once I was stopped by a police car when I was driving 90 miles. pol.ice came over and said, young man, I've been waiting for you, so I have to say I'm sorry. I have tried my best to come here.

14, a man and a woman get married, and both of them have a sense of self-protection of property. Before getting married, the man wrote in the prenuptial agreement: All transformers are mine. . .

15, "In the subway this morning, I was almost squeezed into a photo ..." "The terrible photo is taking a photo with a disgusting man!"

16, kindergarten aunt: please read: a and aunt! (26 English letters)

Children in the class: A!

Aunt: B.

At this moment, a little girl immediately stood up and said, "Aunt, you can't say B, but mom says B is a dirty word."

Aunt quickly explained: "You **B is swearing, and aunt's B is for foreigners."

17- How did you ride yesterday?

-Not too bad. The problem is that my horse is popular.

-How nice of you?

18, Lao Wang sat in the restaurant for a long time and saw other guests eating with relish. But he still didn't have a waiter to greet him, so he got up and asked the boss, "Excuse me, am I sitting in the audience?"

-Yes.

19, the repairman was called to the doctor's house to repair the TV set, and found that his TV set was worn out after ten years of use.

The doctor said, "write a prescription."

The repairman watched TV silently for a while, and then replied, "I think I can only write the autopsy report." Ah. When I rode to the fence, it let me pass first!

20. A young man will be drafted into the army, and an ophthalmologist in a military hospital will check his eyesight. The young man will admit that he is nearsighted when he is examined. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right. It is myopia. " The young man was very happy to hear this sentence. "Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No ... I wrote that I could take part in hand-to-hand combat."

2 1, teddy boy is fat because of his gluttony. Every time you get on and off the elevator, as long as others see him, you must wait for the next one. Once he couldn't help complaining loudly: "Why did you hurt me like this? What's wrong with taking the elevator with me? Just come up slowly and go down faster. "

22. One day, five-year-old Xiaohui looked at her aunt's face and said, "Aunt, your face looks like a peach!" " Aunt happily hugged her relatives around and asked, "What's it like?" The little niece naively replied, "There are fine hairs on it.

23. A man suffered from heart disease. The doctor advised him to quit smoking, and said that if he could not quit at once, he could smoke one every day after meals.

A month later, he went to see a doctor again. The doctor found that he had stomach trouble again after examination. He was puzzled and asked, "What is this?"

-"Maybe it's because I eat too many times a day and eat irregularly in order to follow your suggestion of smoking a cigarette after dinner ..."

24. When someone goes to the zoo to see orangutans, they salute the orangutans first, and the orangutans imitate them. When someone bows to an orangutan, the orangutan will imitate. Someone was overjoyed and scratched his eyelids at the gorilla. Unexpectedly, the gorilla did not imitate him, but slapped him. Someone asked the keeper angrily, and the keeper told him that in orangutan language, scraping the eyelids means calling the other person a fool, so the orangutan wanted to hit him. It dawned on sb. The next day, someone went to visit the zoo. He saluted and bowed to the orangutan, and the orangutan also saluted, so he took out a big stick and hit himself on the head and gave it to the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate this time, but scratched his eyelids!

25. Someone has insomnia and asks the doctor for help. ...

The doctor asked, haven't you tried counting sheep?

The patient replied: Of course, when I counted to 5648, it was just dawn. ...

26. The father asked Xiao Tingguang, a three-year-old boy, "Who do you love most, Mom and Dad? 』

"Both of them love! 』

Dad thought, good boy, no one dares to offend. Let me ask in another way.

"Now my father is going to Disneyland and my mother is shopping in Paris. Where are you going? 』

I want to go to Paris! 』

"Why? 』

"Because there is more beautiful! 』

"So now my father is going to Paris and my mother is going to Disney? 』

"Of course I want to go to Disney! 』

"Why? 』

"Because I have just been to Paris! 』

27. One day, Mr. Zhang and Mrs. Zhang had another cold war. But no one talks to each other first ... the next day. Mr. Zhang had a meeting early in the morning ... so ... Mr. Zhang took a note to Mrs. Zhang ... which read. Wake me up at 7 tomorrow morning.

The next morning. When Mr. Zhang got up … it was already eight o'clock … he was anxious and angry … but he found a note on the side … which said … damn it. It's 7: 30, don't get up too fast. ...

28. Xiaoming: Do you know? My father said that people were changed by monkeys.

Dumb: Nonsense ... I don't believe it! !

Xiaoming: It's true. My father would never lie to me! !

Dumb: Oh? That's good! Go back and ask your father which zoo he used to live in.

Xiao Ming: ........