Do you have clear self-boundaries?

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As individuals, our skin creates separation and boundaries between us and other people’s bodies. But in life, we can often see that people’s self knows no boundaries.

We may be very clear that your body is yours and my body is mine. But when dealing with things, we often can't tell clearly what is mine and what is yours, what is me and what is you. In other words, the boundaries of self are blurred.

In fact, everyone must have this spiritual boundary. Let us clearly distinguish who I am and what the boundaries are between me and others. Why is it needed? Why is it important? More on that later. Let me first explain what blurred boundaries are.

Sometimes, instead of directly explaining what something is, it is better to look at how it behaves. I have summarized three manifestations of blurred boundaries, or the absence of boundaries.

1. Intrusion

The most common manifestation of no boundaries is the inability to distinguish what is your business, what is my business, and what is our business.

The phenomenon of so many forced marriages in China is the best example. Parents cannot distinguish between their own business, their children's business, and their children's business. It's obviously a child's marriage, but parents want to interfere. Parents will think that I am doing this for your own good! If you don't get married, your life will not be easy. However, only the children themselves know whether it is better to be single or married. If the marriage is unfortunate, the consequences can only be borne by the children themselves. So, this is the child's own business.

At this point, you probably understand that whoever bears the consequences of the matter belongs to him, and others should not interfere too much. Moreover, whoever bears the consequences has the right to choose and decide on matters.

If we are strangers, it is easy for us to tell them apart. That is your business, not mine. But the closer the relationship, the easier it is for us to have unclear boundaries. It seems like your business is my business! Therefore, the more intimate a relationship is, the more we need to be wary of our desire to intrude and interfere.

Making your own decisions and handling your own affairs is the ultimate expression of a person as an independent being. When we get involved in other people's affairs and try to judge and make choices for others, we are not really doing good for others, but preventing others from being themselves.

Papi Jiang has a video about the nagging of seven aunts and eight aunts who come home during the Chinese New Year, trying to interfere or comment on your life. Great image! Yes, having said that, I would also like to say that for other people's affairs, others bear the consequences, and it is best not to judge others. This is also the most basic quality of a person with self-boundary.

I still remember some things from my childhood. When I was young, my mother often told us about the rights and wrongs of the seven aunts and eight aunts. I am very tired of this and feel that it is a matter for their previous generation and should be solved by themselves and has nothing to do with our next generation. But my sister is very soft-hearted and always feels sorry for my mother and takes those things seriously. So I can see the psychological conflict that my sister bears because of these things. Because of this, I often blame my mother in my heart.

Therefore, if you understand your position clearly, stick to your duties, and don’t do anything that crosses the line, you will avoid many troubles and conflicts.

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2. Adhesion and binding of personalities

Many people cannot distinguish the boundaries of responsibilities, and their personalities are stuck together. People with clear boundaries will know that I take full responsibility for myself and limited responsibility for others. Others have full responsibility to themselves and limited responsibility to me. People with unclear boundaries come in the opposite direction.

When many parents quarrel, they will tell their children, if it were not for you, we would have divorced long ago. As if it was the children's responsibility for the couple to stay in a bad marriage.

According to psychology, the family of origin shapes a child’s personality.

Therefore, I have seen many people who understand a little bit of psychology and have some insights, but they are unable to get out of their resentment towards their parents. I've been through this phase too.

I also saw this sentence on the Weibo of psychologist Yang Fengchi - If you cannot reconcile with your parents, you cannot reconcile with yourself. This statement has troubled me for a long time. Is this true? But this view is still quite common, especially among those who engage in body, mind and soul.

But later I discovered that this was really nonsense, and I didn’t know if I had misunderstood it. It is completely possible for an adult to know that he is fully responsible for himself, rather than his parents being responsible for him.

Only when a person believes that his parents played a decisive role in him, and this influence is irreversible, will there be so many psychological conflicts. A person with clear boundaries will know that although parents have responsibilities towards themselves, their responsibilities are limited.

**Only with such psychological separation and isolation from parents can a person truly grow up and become independent.

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Once I participated in an event and discussed my criteria for choosing a mate. A boy said that his criteria is that girls must honor their parents. I thought to myself that he was either too naive or had never been in love. If he really likes a girl, I don't believe that he will judge her by whether she is filial or not! Even now that he is an adult, he is still attached to his parents, and even his own marriage will depend on his parents. This psychological state of being tied to his parents is very fragile, because he has no self and no stable core. When he really likes a girl, this imaginary standard can easily be broken.

Parents are just the ones who bring us into this world, and we are destined to walk through this life alone. Anyone is, maybe just running with us for a certain period.

When many women get married, they feel that their husbands should be responsible for them. But who can take responsibility for others? The wife should be responsible for herself, the husband can only be responsible for himself, and the husband and wife should be responsible for their relationship.

There are also people who dare not be themselves because there is a surveillance camera in their hearts, and behind the camera are the eyes of their parents, friends, and people around them. They never understand clearly that only they can be responsible for themselves, and they bear full responsibility. Other people who have nothing to do with this incident will not bear any responsibility for him, and he will not bear any responsibility for these people.

The article published the day before yesterday "Is the love that is coming, love?" ", someone commented that the love that is coming is not love. The person who truly loves you will understand everything about you. I thought badly in my heart: Then just wait! A person is not responsible for his own happiness, but fantasizes about a person appearing to save you and take over your fantasy. No matter what the need is, then just wait! Of course, I knew he would have such thoughts, and there must be a reason behind it. But he was not my visitor, and he didn't give me money. I didn't understand his responsibility.

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3. Control

Many people have heard their parents say to you: "I am doing this for your own good!"

On the surface, these words are so beautiful, so why don’t they sound right to you? Because behind this sentence is control, which means, you have to listen to me.

We Chinese people like to live for others, especially between parents and children. A parent's most powerful weapon is to create guilt and control their children. Many parents often express how much sacrifice they have made, and then ask their children to listen to them.

However, the problem is that having children is their own choice. They should bear the consequences of this choice themselves, instead of using this matter as a weapon to control and bind their children.

People who are controlled and bound will continue to control others and take it for granted.

When I was a freshman, I changed to the school’s free campus short number. A girl actually quarreled with me and said, "Change your number yourself. Have you ever thought that it costs us money to call?" She was so angry, as if I had stolen her money.

It sounded like a joke, and I didn't know how she said it.

People without boundaries simply don’t understand that others have other people’s freedom and will, and they have their own freedom and will. Trying to control others and make them act according to our intentions is so disrespectful to others and disrespectful to ourselves.

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Clearly distinguish what is my business and what is other people’s business; what is my responsibility and what is the responsibility of others; what is my will , what is the will of others. This is the boundary awareness that every independent person should have. Also, know how to draw these boundaries, do not cross them, be yourself and do your duty.

I think the answer to why we need to have clear self-boundaries is very clear above. Only a person with clear self-boundaries can have a stable self-core to be himself; only a person with clear self-boundaries can obtain high-quality relationships in the most energy-saving way; only a person with clear self-boundaries can Know how to respect others and respect yourself.