Bedtime jokes to tell your girlfriend

Jokes to tell your girlfriend before going to bed

In fact, a girl is always like a little girl in her heart. When you are getting ready to go to bed, you can tell your girlfriend some fairy tales to coax her to sleep. , is a very good choice! Below are the jokes I carefully compiled to tell my girlfriend before going to bed. You are welcome to share them.

Jokes to tell your girlfriend before going to bed 1

1. My cousin is still single in his thirties. One time I asked him, "Cousin, there are so many beauties in your company, why are you here now?" You haven’t found a girlfriend yet?”

My cousin said coldly: “Rabbits don’t eat grass from their nests!”

I said: “You are already this old. And 'rabbits don't eat grass beside their nests'!"

My cousin said in frustration: "The beauty is the rabbit, I am the grass!"

2. She met her on a rainy night He was heartbroken and drunk, and fell in love with him without hesitation. She cooked, washed, and took care of household chores for him, but he always just looked at her from the sidelines. Finally one day, he said to her: Don't come again, I love men. With a look of shock on her face, she threw him down on the bed and said: Damn! If you didn’t tell me earlier, I would almost be crazy pretending to be a woman!

3. The professor is often seen by the river. Two turtles, huddled motionless. One day I couldn't help but curiously asked a farmer: What are these two turtles doing? Farmer: They are PKing. Professor: I haven’t moved yet. What’s the point? Farmer: I’m comparing who can live longer. Professor: But the one with the oracle bone inscription on its shell is already dead. At this time, the other one suddenly poked his head out and cursed: MD, he died without saying a word

4. An honest man picked up girls at night, went home early in the morning, had breakfast with his wife, and said to his wife: I took the train last night.

The wife said: Ah, really.

Continue eating.

After a while, the man said to his wife: I took the train last night.

The wife said: I understand.

The man couldn’t bear it and said to his wife: I took the train last night.

The wife replied impatiently: I have said it twice.

The husband roared: Idiot, you don’t understand this, I cheated!

5. One time I was playing badminton with a few friends, and there was a beautiful woman playing doubles with a buddy. , the atmosphere was very pleasant, with some ambiguity.

When the game was over, MM said to the buddy: Give me your mobile phone.

The guy was stunned and said: I only have this mobile phone, and I still need to use it.

6. When I was in college, several classmates secretly watched a movie. During the movie, the female classmate next to me suddenly grabbed my roommate’s hand and said: It’s so scary.

The roommate looked at her and warned her: You are so timid, don’t be afraid, the movies are all fake.

7. "Dear, I am at the international airport now, preparing to attend an academic seminar - I have already boarded the plane, oh - my lady, please pay attention - --Dear, I'm sorry, the stewardess accidentally spilled tea on me just now----"

"Really, that stewardess was so kind to you, even when you were on the plane Even though I called you on my cell phone, I didn’t try to dissuade you. Go to hell! Dudududu”

8. I was queuing up to get hot water at school. There was a weak girl in front of me. When it finally came her turn, the lid of her thermos couldn’t be opened. He turned around and smiled tenderly at the boy behind him, "I can't open the lid anymore."

The man said calmly: "Then stand aside and twist it first, and let me hit you first." . .

9. After returning from studying in the library, on a small road, a beautiful woman accidentally slipped while walking in front of me. Then she looked at me with pitiful eyes, thinking that I would help her. . .

I looked at her for a long time and finally said: "Fuck, you scared me." From then on, I became a 24K pure loser.

10. I introduced someone to my friend. When we met for the first time, he farted during the meal. In order to make the girl have a good impression of him, I quickly said sorry, sorry, As a result, Na Si burst into laughter and said, "Do you think you did it? I did it!!"

Well, you deserve to be a loser for the rest of your life. Jokes to tell your girlfriend before going to bed 2

1. At the wedding ceremony, the master of ceremonies "interviewed" the father-in-law standing aside: "Are you still satisfied with your daughter-in-law?" The father-in-law smiled happily, nodded repeatedly and said: "Satisfied, 100% satisfied." The master of ceremonies then asked: "So, do you want your daughter-in-law to give you a grandson or a daughter?" The father-in-law said without thinking, "Both are fine, both are fine."

2. The man raised two hens at home. One lays large eggs, and the other lays small eggs. Large eggs sell for 1.5 yuan in the market, and small eggs cost 1 yuan. The man scolded the hen that lays little eggs for this. The hen retorted: "I'm not that slutty. I have to support myself so much just for 50 cents!"

3. I have been married to my wife for three years and have been using TT for contraception. Now that my career is stable, I want to have a child. , but my wife said wait a minute... I secretly pierced all the TTs with small holes, but my wife didn't know. Not long after, she turned out to be pregnant. I deliberately pretended not to know and asked my wife what was going on. Something unexpected happened? My wife confessed to me in tears~~~ 4. Once, a very bad eunuch stopped Ji Xiaolan and asked him to tell a joke. Ji Xiaolan said: "Once upon a time, there was a person once upon a time." Then after a long silence, the eunuch asked impatiently: "Where is it down there?" Ji Xiaolan replied: "There is no more down there!"

5. I met a girl at the train station who looked very sincere and melancholy. She claimed to be a student at a certain university. Her wallet was stolen and she was hungry and cold. She asked me to do some charity and took out her student ID card to show me. Looking at her sincere eyes, I really wanted to pay for it, but suddenly I had an idea and asked her: "What is the derivative of the fourth power of a?" She was stunned for a moment and murmured. When I saw something was wrong, I changed to a less difficult one: "What is sin30 degrees?" She actually ran away.

6. During the wedding ceremony, my wife and I stood on the stage. The MC asked: Please ask the groom to express his love to the bride in three languages. The first one: I love you. The second one: I Love you! I can’t think of the third one. After being stunned for five seconds, the brothers below started to boo. I was anxious: Yoxi, Yoxi, is this flower girl's land working in Gedi Missimixi? The whole audience burst into laughter, and the emcee collapsed?

7. The boss has a male secretary and a female secretary secretary. Male secretaries do almost all the work, while female secretaries have nothing to do. After a long time, the male secretary complained to the boss: "Why should I do all the work?" The boss explained: "You have different division of labor." The male secretary was puzzled: "What's the difference?" The boss said: "You are an office worker. Supplies." The male secretary asked: "What about her?" The boss said impatiently: "Bedding." 8. Two musicians were chatting. One said: "My first performance was very successful. The flowers I received were enough for my wife to open a flower shop." Another said: "The audience liked me very much when I performed for the first time and gave me a flower shop." "I don't believe they will give you a house." "It's really a reward."

9. The first couplet of the political teacher: one above and one below. ***Create a harmonious realm; Right: Every entry and exit creates a new generation. Hengpi: Life lies in movement!

The history teacher got married for the second time. The first couplet: the night attack on Pearl Harbor shocked the beauty; the right: two atomic bombs and the surrender of Japan and Germany, and the horizontal criticism: World War II.

Mathematics teacher is newly married, first line: Solving squares with open brackets is just to find the root; right: go through the origin and the curve directly to the end point.

Horizontal comment: 0 is greater than 1

10. Someone asked the director of the Bureau of Statistics: Some people say that none of the people in your Bureau of Statistics can read. Is that true? The director held out 3 fingers and said: I gave him 5 words, "It's a load of nonsense" 11. Male: Can we meet? Female: No! I am a good girl and I don't want to meet with netizens. It’s a principle! Male: I really want to see you, please? Female: If you treat me as a friend, you have to respect me. Male: Is that okay? Female: Okay? But I don’t have a camera~ Male: I I'll lend it to you and pick it up at the school gate at noon. Female: Oh, it's too troublesome. What time is it? Male: See you there at 12 o'clock. Female: Okay, thank you. You're so kind!

12. An old man’s dog died. The old man packed the dead dog and checked it to be taken back to his hometown for burial. However, people at the airport didn’t know it was dead when he checked it in. When he got off the plane, he found out that it was dead. , I was so scared. I thought the dog was dead, so I sent someone to buy an identical one at the nearby dog ??market. Later, when I opened my luggage, I found that the dog was alive.

13. Today at the parent-teacher meeting... a classmate was deeply touched and burst out with literary talent. He sighed: The farthest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death, but your future mother-in-law standing in front of you. But you can only call me aunt.

14. Recalling the three obediences and four virtues of women in ancient times, the so-called "three obediences" refer to: obeying the father before marrying, obeying the husband when married, and obeying the son after the death of the husband. It refers to: character, appearance, speech, and family management. But modern women also have three obediences and four things. The so-called three obediences are: never gentle, never considerate, and never unreasonable; the four things are that they cannot talk, hit, or scold. Don’t mess with me.

15. The kindergarten class is rehearsing the Children’s Day program, and parents are required to participate. When entering the venue, the primary 1 class shouts: Primary 1, win first place; Primary 2 class. Shouted: Xiaoer, Xiaoer, unique; Xiaosan, Xiaosan, dad likes it!

16. At night, on the last bus, a woman in white was sitting in the last row. The driver looked in the rearview mirror and saw that she was not there. Shocked! I stopped suddenly and looked back. I looked at the rearview mirror again. The woman was not there. I stopped suddenly and looked back at the rearview mirror. She was there again. I stopped suddenly and looked at the rearview mirror again. The woman was not there again! He came up with messy hair and face covered with blood and said in a low voice, "Sir, I have a grudge against you? As soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly; as soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly. ”

17. The man was injured, and his girlfriend took him to the hospital. In the car, her girlfriend used paper towels to help him stop the bleeding, but the paper towels were not enough after a while. The girlfriend mustered up the courage to take out a sanitary napkin from her bag and massage it The bleeding stopped immediately at the man's wound. At this time, the man's lips began to turn purple and his face turned livid. When he arrived at the hospital, while the man was getting stitches, the woman asked about his condition. The doctor took the sanitary napkin and said: This thing sucks blood too much. ! If I change another piece, I guess this brother will die

18. A: Look, the boss’s female secretary has been dressed like a fairy these past two days! B: Don’t worry! ! She is like that mosquito coil that is about to wake up! The farmer went to the businessman, and the businessman asked him to catch the mouse and feed him with warm water. The farmer replied: "Once." "The businessman said: "Please read the instructions, 6 boxes are for one course of treatment.

20. After having a fight with my wife, I came to the room alone, closed the door, and lay on the bed with my eyes closed in depression. At some point, my son, who was in kindergarten, stood in front of the bed and asked in a sympathetic tone: "It's very depressing, isn't it?" I opened my eyes, looked at my son, and sighed. My son patted me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, that's what women are like! I've been putting up with her for a long time."

21. The White Snake deliberately tricked Xu Xian into taking her umbrella from the rain, wishing Yingtai a happy birthday. The fashion show goes crazy and makes fun of Brother Liang, the Seven Fairies block Dong Yong's way, the Cowherd takes away the Weaver Girl's clothes while she is taking a bath? These stories tell us: at the beginning of a great love, one of them must play a rogue first.

If you don't have love, maybe you don't know how to be a hooligan?

22. A candidate applying for medical school saw a question on the examination paper: Please name the four benefits of breastfeeding. The candidate quickly wrote three answers: no need to heat, easy to carry, more hygienic, and then he held it back... After thinking about it, he suddenly realized, picked up a pen and wrote: The container is pleasing to the eye! Brother, Nima is so talented!

23. I want to lead 3,000 urban management, 1,500 non-mainstream, 500 Chinese officials, General Li Gang, Zeng, Chun, and Feng to protect the law, and personally conquer the Filipinos! First send Chinese officials into the Philippines to improve the country's economy. Then let Brother Zeng destroy their hearing with the sound of sheep, Sister Feng appeared and made them vomit to consume their physical strength, and then let 1500 non-mainstream people blind their eyes, and then Brother Chun appeared and made them hallucinate! Immediately, Li Gang led 3,000 urban management personnel to massacre the city. Haha

　24. A funeral car drove out from the funeral parlor. At this time, a child ran out and chased the funeral car, crying and shouting: "Dad, Dad! Don't go!" Everyone felt sympathy for the child and were about to comfort her, but suddenly the funeral car stopped? The driver stuck his head out of the car window: What's the noise? Dad will take you to play before getting off work. 3

1. Yesterday, I asked a stock trading friend: The stock market has plummeted recently. How is my sleep? He said: I sleep like a baby. I said: You are indeed a master! You can even sleep here! He was silent for a while and said: He often wakes up in the middle of the night and cries for a while before going back to sleep.

2. One day, I was chatting with some brothers. When it came to my private money, we all complained that it would be found no matter what. At this time, an uncle stood up and said: My private money is in the bank. Everyone asked again: Where to put the passbook? Uncle: Burn it and replace it when you need it.

3. A beautiful woman passed by a fortune teller and stopped to count her chances of getting married. Beauty: I want to ask when can I meet my significant other. Fortune teller: Do you want it to be accurate or inaccurate? Beauty: Of course it is accurate. Fortune teller: Go back and take off your makeup before coming back.

4. I was playing the erhu at home and heard someone knocking on the door. I thought it might be loud, so when I opened the door, it was a young man. I felt guilty and wanted to apologize, but the young man said: Brother, I have moved a new apartment upstairs and it hasn’t been renovated yet. I want to listen to the renovation of your home and come and visit.

5. A young mother entered the hospital holding her daughter. The daughter said innocently: Mom, what are we doing here? Mom: Give me an injection. Daughter: Why do you need an injection? Did the injection do something wrong? Doesn’t the injection hurt? Five minutes later, my daughter started roaring: This is an injection hitting me, this is an injection hitting me!

6. A girl A colleague, who weighs 140 pounds, dances square dance with the aunts every night. Yesterday, he took me to watch it and asked me how my dancing was after it was over. I said: "I think you look like a little swan when you dance... a brand drum washing machine."

7. Children are best not to play funny jokes before going to bed. . Hitting the head can easily damage the brain, spanking the butt can easily damage the nerves, hitting the face can easily hurt self-esteem, and hitting the hands and feet can easily hurt yourself. So try not to fight if you can. If you must spank your child, but don’t want to worry about these previous problems, there is only one trick: spank other people’s children!

8. The final exam is coming soon, and the teacher will help the students with key reminders in class. The teacher said: "This question is very important. Draw the stars in front." Xiaohong said: "Teacher, can you use a check mark? It's so difficult to draw an orangutan." ;